More than a few times in the last few weeks I have felt like I was going crazy, but didn't talk about it. I felt like I was a terrible mother just going through the motions of looking after Katie's needs but that I wasn't soaking up the moments. I was filling in the time but I wasn't present at all. I didn't feel in all honesty like I was doing that great of a job with her. Here she is, this BEAUTIFUL & AMAZING child , but the grey cloud dominated my thoughts. It was a dark place. Darker than anyone knew I was in, which I'm angry at myself for because I promised everyone I'd talk to them if this happened.
The thoughts that go through the mind of a woman suffering postpartum depression are surprising & scary, also, when they are your own thoughts they are embarrassing & shameful. You don't want to talk to anyone for fear of people thinking you are a horrible human being, a terrible, unfit mother who doesn't deserve such a precious gem of a child. I don't plan on talking about the thoughts that I have had, but they scared me & often I had to remind myself how strong I am & that I will get through the moment. Reminding myself of that giggling girl was often the only thing that got me through them. I am so grateful for her.
Yesterday I had the lowest day I have had yet. The little grey cloud was huge. I spent 3/4 of the day crying. I thought many times that Katie might be off better without me, without this crazy woman as her mother. I thought she'd be better off without me around to screw up her precious life. I thought Jeff would be better off without me around to screw up his life, like everyone & everything would be better without me. Then reality hit me, I looked at this little bundle of mine, this rosy cheeked, bright eyed treasure, this gift I never thought I'd have & realized that I was wrong. She needs me, she loves me, Jeff loves me & needs me. I also realized that I am a good Mom. I love Katie with all that I am & all that I have. She is my world & for the rest of my life she will know that.
I'm happy to say today the grey cloud has lifted...blue skies are all I see...I'm not expecting blue skies everyday, but I also don't ever expect total cloud cover either.
I'm back....and I have to say it feels good because I really missed me.
Hugs. Honest and heart felt. I am so glad today is bright. I hope it just gets brighter form here on.
ReplyDelete<3 SH Steph
Hugs Paula. I've so been there. I remember on my worst days, I'd literally talk myself through every little thing. Out loud. Thought I was going crazy and the only way to get through was tell myself what I needed to do, step by step. It did help even though I know I sounded like a crazy person! I spent so many days bawling right along with the baby, and definitely had those thoughts that I was a mess and was going to screw up this perfect little person.
ReplyDeleteI have to admit that 20 months later, I still have my days. I still wonder during my worst moments if having a mom who has depression is wrecking my daughter's childhood. But I know deep down that isn't true, that I am a great mom and seeing her mom show emotion won't screw her up.
It's a long journey for sure, and there will be lots of ups and downs, but definitely the most important thing to remember is what you said, you are loved and needed, no matter how screwed up you feel. You're always of way more value present than not. And all those "perfect moms" that are out there, are way more screwed up than you'd know from looking at them!
Your honesty is so refreshing. Big hugs momma, we understand and are cheering you on.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs Paula. I definitely commend you for sharing your true feelings regarding PPD and how you've been dealing with those emotions. Keep hanging in there. You're an extremely strong person.
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