34

Tomorrow, I turn 34. For me, this is every bit as important as 35. I'm in my mid-thirties tomorrow (an hour & a half from now). I'm not sure how I feel about that.

33 was quite the ride. I guess I'm ready to let it go. Bring on 34! A new year for me. This could be the age I figure my shit out. I'm getting my driver's license at 34. I'm determined to make it happen! I'm starting back to work at 34. That's oddly scary after being off for a year but it's going to be great! I'm going to continue to get healthier at 34. I'm going to get over my ridiculous fear of what other people think about me because of how I look. Yeah, at 34, I'm going to make that one a major goal.

It's weird that being home has made me so much more aware of how I look. When I was in Moncton, no one saw me. I was just a face in the crowd of unfamiliarity. It didn't matter what I looked like, no one noticed anyhow. I don't mean that in a self-pitying way, just that in a city where you know very few people, you become rather anonymous. I don't have that cloak of invisibility in Miramichi.

I remember this summer, I ran into an old school mate at the grocery store - it was very hot, I was on meds that made me sweat- I spent the entire time chatting with her trying to keep the sweat from sliding down my face. I was so embarrassed & felt terrible about myself. I kept thinking that she must be amazed by how fat I've gotten. It bugged me that I was so fat & just blah. I know I can be better. I am better now & continuing on that journey...

I saw Oprah say something to the extent of 'being upset over aging is dishonouring those who didn't get to'.  I've been thinking about that for 2 wks now...I am trying to apply it...

This is my year. I am healthy. I am loved. I am capable. I am grateful.