Three years...

Three years have passed since my life finally found some real meaning. Three years since I stopped being my own main priority. Three years of laughter & tears. Three years of extremely messed up sleep. Three years of unconditional, overwhelming love.

June 17, 2010 at 7:35pm, she came into the world. She has been the center of ours every since. 

I can't begin to express the ways she has changed my life. She is my mini-me - in looks but also because she's a chatterbox, stubborn, caring, short-tempered & has wacky memory. It is shocking to me that another human being can be so similar to me but she is most definitely her own person, too.

In the last year she has changed astronomically. She is so bright & inquisitive. She loves to sing songs & tell stories. She's often Dr. Katie, sometimes she's a cashier & we have to shop at her store.

She has grown 5 inches & gained 4lbs. My baby is now a little girl.

She is fiercely full of determination - ' I do it all by myself'. She is funny as heck & makes me laugh on a daily basis. She is polite (super proud of this), kind & thoughtful.

I love being her Mama & cannot believe that I've been loving her for three years.
It's so hard to believe that the 8lb 14.9oz bundle they put in my very numb from epidural arms is now the same girl that I can barely carry on my hip. 

Where has the time gone? All I can say for certain that some of it has been used for sticky kisses, squeezy hugs,puzzles, tickles, singing, dancing, tubby times, bedtime routines, playing together & all of it has been used for being in love.

Happy Birthday, Katie Lou. You are our sunshine.

34

Tomorrow, I turn 34. For me, this is every bit as important as 35. I'm in my mid-thirties tomorrow (an hour & a half from now). I'm not sure how I feel about that.

33 was quite the ride. I guess I'm ready to let it go. Bring on 34! A new year for me. This could be the age I figure my shit out. I'm getting my driver's license at 34. I'm determined to make it happen! I'm starting back to work at 34. That's oddly scary after being off for a year but it's going to be great! I'm going to continue to get healthier at 34. I'm going to get over my ridiculous fear of what other people think about me because of how I look. Yeah, at 34, I'm going to make that one a major goal.

It's weird that being home has made me so much more aware of how I look. When I was in Moncton, no one saw me. I was just a face in the crowd of unfamiliarity. It didn't matter what I looked like, no one noticed anyhow. I don't mean that in a self-pitying way, just that in a city where you know very few people, you become rather anonymous. I don't have that cloak of invisibility in Miramichi.

I remember this summer, I ran into an old school mate at the grocery store - it was very hot, I was on meds that made me sweat- I spent the entire time chatting with her trying to keep the sweat from sliding down my face. I was so embarrassed & felt terrible about myself. I kept thinking that she must be amazed by how fat I've gotten. It bugged me that I was so fat & just blah. I know I can be better. I am better now & continuing on that journey...

I saw Oprah say something to the extent of 'being upset over aging is dishonouring those who didn't get to'.  I've been thinking about that for 2 wks now...I am trying to apply it...

This is my year. I am healthy. I am loved. I am capable. I am grateful.

Katie Lou turns 2

Sitting quietly in my daughter's room as she starts to drift off into nap land, I watch her precious little face. This little girl, this ball of energy, this mile a minute talker is almost 2.

Two years ago, I was one day from my due date & wondered if my Katie would ever arrive.  Now, I can't believe everything we've been through together.

I am truly amazed by her. Amazed. she has just begun singing, and boy, does she ever love it.  Just random sounds & sometimes a twinkle or star gets thrown in.

She loves to run. Her arms & legs flapping about, as if they are not even aware of how quickly she is moving. 

She loves rocks, trains, & butterflies. Her 'friends' are Elmo, Mickey mouse, pooh bear & Tinkerbell. 

She loves playing outside. Going to Grammy & Poppy's house. Snuggles, her two fingers to suck on & her bunny. 

She is the reason I want to be better. She's the reason I decided to live life fully as myself, unafraid of what others think. I don't want her to grow up afraid of the world, the way I am. I want her to truly believe that she can do or be anything, because I truly believe in that.

I had no idea the ride I was in for 2 years ago. I waited 5 days longer than I expected to have to wait for this little beauty. Seeing as she arrived on her own schedule, I  shouldn't be so surprised that she's so determined.

I have a feeling that the last two years have been good building blocks for our future. We butt heads, figuratively & literally, we hug, we cry, we get angry, we say sorry,we do it all together.

On June 17th, I'll not only be celebrating Katie's 2nd birthday, but also the day I started my journey to being a better person.

Katherine Louise Grattan, sweet Katie Lou, I love you & I'm so incredibly proud to be your Mama.