Growing up

I don't know if this happens to everyone or not, but I'm realizing that I've finally grown up. That's an ironic statement for a 30 year old to make, but it's so true.

The last two weeks of my life have been unlike any before them. It's like something finally clicked in my head that said, it's time to grow up little girl & change your life for the better. I feel like I can win the race now, I'm starting out at the back of the pack, but I know that eventually I will win.

I AM going to lose more weight, it's no longer if I lose 20lbs, it's now when. I am going to win this battle if it kills me, because frankly, not winning it is going to kill me too. What do I have to lose?? I can only gain from this. I'm tired of being the fat girl in the room, I'm tired of paying more for clothes, I'm tired of feeling like everyone is looking at me with scrutiny, I'm just plain tired. Carrying all this weight around is hard on your body and I feel it, but I will beat this.

I also feel like a light has turned on about work. I am the first to admit that in the past I was a crappy, don't give a damn employee in regards to attendance. If I was tired, or felt a little icky, I'd call in sick. I didn't give a damn. Not now. I will go to work and chances are I feel fine within an hour or two of being there, because I get so wrapped up in work or chatting with the girls that I forget that I felt terrible to begin with.

I'm also now spending more time focusing on my marriage, and making it a good, happy marriage and not just sitting back and expecting it to happen because we're Jeff & Paula. You can lose track of each other quickly if you don't pay attention, you can also lose track of yourself, but that's no longer an option for us. I am so in love with a wonderful man who accepts me as I am, every fault, every asset, every stumble, every uprising, he is there holding my hand & my heart. I am so fortunate to have him in my corner.

I spend a lot more energy focusing on the positive. Although, some days it's incredibly hard and I falter, I realize I'm only human and we all have days where negativity sneaks in when we least expect it. I do the best I can, and when I realize that I'm being negative, I try to snap out of it.

Being thankful for what I do have has become an essential part of my 'growing up'. I have more than what I need to survive. I have plenty of luxuries that many would love to have, and I thank the Universe for them. I thank the Universe on a daily basis for things, whether it simply be the ability to walk with the ease that I once lacked or my cell phone. I thank the Universe because these things found their way to me.

I'm happier than I can remember being in a very long time. I feel like the Paula that I was, is beginning to coincide with the Paula that I've become, and I think that maybe...just maybe...I like her a lot.