I refuse to fix it this time

My heart & head have been hurting for a while - when someone you love isn't who you thought they were, it can take a while to reconcile the truth from the illusion. That's what I've been trying to do.

When someone you love doesn't care enough about you or others you love to be truthful, respectful & sensible. You have to eventually stop allowing that person into your space.

It's so hard to do, you can't shut off love, especially when it's family. My anger & disappointment don't cancel out my love or my wishing things could be different but for my self respect, I have to walk away.

Problems that aren't mine for years have taken over my life when this person needed me. Countless hours on the telephone, in person & online listening to the horror stories of how this person was being treated so poorly but wanted their partner to take them back. I consoled, I bitched, I gave my unfiltered opinions, I defended this person, but for what?  I'm so very angry.

I don't know when I've ever before been so deeply hurt. I don't know how to deal with the pain I feel or how to deal with the absence of this person in my life. I'm so incredibly pained by the lack of concern for others being shown by this person. People who have loved & supported them have just been shut out while this person makes possible life altering decisions for someone who would toss them away like a piece of useless trash.

I just can't reconcile the whole thing & it's taking over my spare quiet moments when I have time to think. It's making me spontaneously cry when I least expect it. It's making me angry.

I just know that I deserve better from this person. So very much better & I won't accept less ever again. I'm not a doormat, I'm not someone to use when needed & then ignore when 'life is good', I'm not here just for this person, I expect them to be here for me when needed too. That hasn't happened in a very, very long time.

So, as much love as I feel, the hurt & anger are taking over & I'm not sure how repairable that is. I'm done letting anyone, even family treat me like I'm only important when they need me.

I guess what I'm saying is that I refuse to fix it this time.

Bitch, Please

My tolerance for bullshit has maxed out, as has my tolerance for bullies, jackasses, douchecanoes & nasty ass psycho cunts who need a punch in the face.

I am a hippie. I promote non-violence, I believe words can be more powerful than anything else but damn, some people just really need a punch in the face.

I can't rid myself completely of the bully, I've done all I can to rid myself of her but it's not something that is 100% possible.

Can you imagine that someone called the police on me? ME?! I've been stewing on this for a week & a half, I wasn't going to say anything to anyone, but I just want to explode. My bully called the police on me & said that I've been harassing her via text messages & Facebook, she said that I trespassed on her property when I was actually there helping someone else.

I don't know her cell phone number & she's blocked from my Facebook, someone please explain to me how I'm supposed to harass someone that I have no means of contacting? I surely do not know. She, however, has used someone else's cell phone to attack me. She has used her own Facebook & sent Jeff a message warning me to never step foot on her property again. I'm not saying I'm innocent in all of this because I did say some very ugly things when I was being attacked but this is beyond excessive.

I will also fully claim responsibility for sending the first Facebook message when I felt someone I love very much was being attacked in many ways. We had it out on Facebook in January, she & I, then I blocked her. JANUARY. I have not contacted her since then but I am harassing her. Bitch, please.

On Friday, August 15th I answered the door to a police officer who said " I'm here about X & some texts messages you've sent her" - the first words out of my mouth to the Constable were 'I fucking knew it'. You see, the night before she had read a text message that I sent to the person in the middle that said I would call the police on her if she harassed me again, I scared her. She wasn't so tough when being threatened with real action, because she knows she's in the wrong. She knows. So she wanted to draw first blood & called the police so she wouldn't look like the crazy bitch that she really is. She wanted to look like a victim, because that's her bag. She is a victim in every scenario in her life while she points fingers at everyone else for being 'so mean to her & her family'. Perhaps, just perhaps, if you try being nice to people & treat them with respect regardless of how much money they have, you will get respect in return. Just a concept. I dunno. Seems to work for most people but what do I know, I'm just a 'fat bitch' 'nut job' who is 'mentally imbalanced' & who can't hold a job because I'd have 'a mental breakdown'. Yes, she's that kind of mean.

Her words used to cut like a knife, now they're like gun powder. She just gives me more reason to dislike her & pity her for having that much negativity in her soul. I can't imagine how hard it must be to go through life so angry; to always think people are out to get you even when they really aren't at all, it must be exhausting.  I'm so glad I'm not her, so very very glad. I wouldn't want to be angry at people all the time, to go out of my way to cause others stress, it just seems so time consuming & foolish to me. You can silently hate someone...it's okay...most people do & I wish she'd learn this technique.

I should hate her. I want so very badly to hate her. I don't hate her, however. I do dislike her as much as I can but I can't hate her. I think she needs help. She's mentally unstable & needs help, I fully believe that. She's the absolute most paranoid person I've ever met. She literally thinks people are out to get her, that people talk about her when they aren't, she thinks everything is about her. She has rage issues, I mean, I can really lose my cool, but I have never seen anything like her in my life. I, once, stopped her from falling in a fire while she was drunk & raging, she looked at me & said 'don't touch me you fat bitch'. She is the meanest of mean but I still don't hate her. I want her to get help & maybe just one EXTREMELY deserved punch in the face.

The 100% honest truth about all of this, however, is that this more than being angry or vengeful about it, this situation makes me very sad & I truly hope somehow (even though I can't imagine any way here or on any alternate universe that it could happen) things work out positively.

One thing that I know for sure is that I will no longer tolerate any further harassment from her. I have the Constable's number & I'll gladly call him. 

She'll never have friends with a weird mom like me.

Two weeks ago I stepped outside my comfort zone - way outside. I sent Facebook inbox messages to two moms that I know a bit, inviting each of them over with their daughters for a play date with Katie & I. One mom replied that she'd love to, the other mom (who was online a lot that day & I know saw the message) didn't even bother to reply.

I set up & had a wonderful play date with the mother who did reply but for two weeks the mother who didn't reply has been on my mind. A constant barrage of unanswered & often irrational questions & thoughts. Why didn't she reply? What about me doesn't she like? Am I always going to cost Katie friends? I'm definitely going to be the reason she doesn't have friends. Why can't I just be like everyone else? Poor Katie, why does she have to have such a weird mother? I wish I was just normal.

I, honestly, expect to be the reason she doesn't have certain friends in her lifetime.

I am not your average person, most definitely not your average Miramichier & I know that. I tend to think outside the box more than most people. I try hard not to judge people on their outer shell, because all too often it really is just a shell & once you crack it, there's so much beauty. I believe passionately in equality & justice. I get fired up over injustice & judgment. I'm a hippie, I know people have their ideas about what a hippie is, but in my soul, that's just who I am. I wear bright clothes, I talk too loudly, I swear too much, I don't believe in god but I believe it's your right to if you so choose, I think all love is equal, babies need love not parents of both genders, I am pro-choice & that doesn't mean I'm pro-abortion, Climate change is happening, SCIENCE MATTERS, marijuana shouldn't be illegal & Americans need better gun control.

There are people in my life that I have plenty of reasons to hate but there is no single person that I actually hate. Not one. I believe to hate is to actually wish ill for another person or to be happy if something unfortunate were to happen to them, I don't have anyone in my life like that. I can't hold hate in my heart. That's not saying that there aren't people I dislike a lot, people I never want to be around EVER but I don't hate them.

For two weeks, these have been the thoughts in my head, I've been reviewing what I believe, am I too vocal about it, should I tone down who I am, maybe I should talk less about being atheist or maybe anyone who doesn't like me for who I am can kiss my ass?? Yeah, we're going to go with the latter. That was the grand conclusion of my two weeks of soul searching.

I like who I am, I like the person I'm becoming, I like the lessons I'm teaching my daughter & the person she's becoming as a result. So what if I don't believe in god - I believe in right & wrong, I'm pro-choice - you don't have to choose to have an abortion, I'm 100%  for gay rights - chances are someone you love is gay & you just don't know it, legalizing marijuana - people are going to buy & smoke it either way but only one is good for the economy. I like making up silly songs about everything I do, I like dancing randomly in public & not caring at all, I like not being so wrapped up in what other people think because their opinions of me do not matter.

Hindsight has shown me that the mom who didn't reply did me a huge favour, I went from feeling really terrible about myself for not being accepted by her to realizing that it's okay because I truly like who I am & the values I have.

She's still on my Facebook & may very well see this after I share it but I don't care either way. Hopefully she'll realize that basic etiquette can go a long way.

My cankles, my business.

The women in my family are generally average height or on the shorter side, I'm not. They have average size feet, I do not. They all, no matter how big or small the body, have skinny or average legs, I absolutely do not.

My legs are the only thing on my body that I'm absolutely ashamed of & I can't seem to do anything to fix the problem. I've always had 'big' legs or so I was told. Once around 15 or 16, overheard a cousin ask my mother where I got my big legs since they all had skinny legs. I have never forgotten it. I didn't like wearing shorts or skirts in high school because I thought I had fat legs.  Then I gained weight, so much weight packed onto my body & my legs just expanded to the point of no return, I guess. I began retaining fluid in my legs, I've said it before but I had so much fluid in my legs that if I cut myself while shaving, clear liquid came out instead of blood - it would leak for hours, soaking the cuff of my sock.

Right at this moment, I'm 110lbs lighter than I was when my legs did that. I expected to lose weight & get my legs back to 'normal' or at least my normal. I thought I'd have ankles again...crazy me! Still no sign of ankles but I'm the cankle queen. I spent every summer from 2004-2012 wearing jeans all summer long because I couldn't bear the thought of people judging me - 'look at that fat girl with the fat legs', 'check out the cankles on her'- the judgment I assumed would be thrown my way. I couldn't do it, I couldn't risk it. I lived in fear of what people thought of me. Last summer was the first time I wore capris most of the summer, it was hard to do but I did it. I still worry about what people will think though, the judgment that I still assume is being thrown at me. Why do I even care? It's because a cousin once asked my mother where I got my big legs - obviously strangers are judging me if a family member took notice.

This summer I want to take Katie swimming. She at almost four years old, has NEVER been swimming & I feel like I'm seriously failing her because of it. I just don't know how I'm going to put my body in a bathing suit, even! I know I can wear shorts but even that is a huge step for a woman who two summers ago wore jeans most of the summer. In one moment I'll think, 'no big deal, just do it, who cares what anyone thinks', then reality kicks in & I start to realize that I care what people think. I need to stop doing that. No one else's opinion of me really matters, I know that on a cerebral level but emotion takes over & I get self conscious.

I have to get over this. I just have to, it's holding me back & there isn't anything I can do about it. I've lost weight, my legs only get a bit smaller when the weight comes off. My legs are just that, legs, they aren't my worth as a human. It's time I stop letting them define me, so that's what I'm going to do right now. My legs no longer define me. These are my legs, you may see them at a local beach this summer, I apologize if the whiteness of them blinds you, it's been a while since they've seen sunshine.

Stay-at-Home-Mom, I guess?

I love being a mom. This is an indisputable fact, anyone who knows me or simply sees me with Katie would know this, however being a stay-at-home Mom(SAHM) has been a challenge. I have without a doubt very often taken for granted the ability to stay home with our sweet girl.

I have had many days in the last month & a bit where I crave being among co-workers, laughing & talking about something other than Mickey Mouse, peanut butter sandwiches & poop. I long to be in the company of adults, having adult conversation but being at home, with 3 feet of attitude & a side of goofiness, isn't so darn bad.

When I was nearing the end of my maternity leave, I spent nights crying about the return to work. How could I possibly let anyone else look after my sweet child. How could I give up those hugs & kisses. I was almost inconsolable over the idea of going back to my job I loathed, to work 4 weeks & really only bring home pay for 2 because of the cost of daycare. I hated it all. I was so depressed.

Fast forward just under 2 years, I'm no longer depressed. I no longer have a job I loathe, I'm doing what I longed to do. I guess it's just not exactly what I expected. I'm not exactly what I expected. I had grandiose visions of being some Pinterest crazy mom, who actually does that stuff. I thought I would bake with Katie, do fun crafts. I don't really do any of those things.  We read, sing, play & learn together. The TV is always on, it's not always watched but it is always on.  I know it takes away from my candidacy for Mom-of-the-Year, but it's the truth. I can say with confidence that Dora has taught Katie things I would never have thought to teach her.  Hello, counting to 5 in Spanish!?! I assure you, I had nothing to do with that! Yay, Dora!

In the last week I've been noticing all of the Mom's on my Facebook & Twitter. I think of them going to their day jobs, rushing around in the morning to get their kid(s) awake, fed, clean, out the door, possible daycare drop offs, then to work, spending the day doing what all moms do, multi-tasking, your brain never allowed to focus too long on anything without thinking about how your kid(s) are doing, then you have to make sure once again they're fed & clean, possible activities, maybe homework, and then hopefully bed.  I hated that! I hate the idea of it. It makes me antsy. I want to be home with Katie as much as I can, I think it's good for her & I know it's good for me.  I will though, make an effort to find a part-time job soon &send her to daycare a day or two a week. That will be great for both of us. I look forward to it.

I feel very grateful that I have been able to stay home when I physically & mentally needed it most. I believe firmly that the Universe knows what it's doing. I'll figure this career thing out eventually, until then I'm a stay-at-home-mom & proud of it!

Clarity

Sometimes, I have moments of clarity in my life.
Knowing whole heartedly for a year that we would be moving home, because I had a moment of clarity. I put it out into the Universe. I set it free. I held up my end of the bargain. I believed. The Universe seemed to know I wasn't ready to work.  So, Jeff got the job that brought us back to Miramichi.
Well, anyhow...I've been having these moments of clarity lately. I need to lose weight. I'm terrified of the idea of not losing weight. I know that, I, like most other obese people, make promises to lose weight & get better all the time. I know that I'm just a cliche at this point, but I guess what I'm doing right now is asking you all for help. I feel like now is my time to do this for myself.
I need direction. I need common sense help. I need motivation.
I have a friend who says she has to lose an average adult male, and well, very sadly, so do I.
The truth hurts, but I have faith that it can be changed!
I get by with a little help from my friends

Growing up

I don't know if this happens to everyone or not, but I'm realizing that I've finally grown up. That's an ironic statement for a 30 year old to make, but it's so true.

The last two weeks of my life have been unlike any before them. It's like something finally clicked in my head that said, it's time to grow up little girl & change your life for the better. I feel like I can win the race now, I'm starting out at the back of the pack, but I know that eventually I will win.

I AM going to lose more weight, it's no longer if I lose 20lbs, it's now when. I am going to win this battle if it kills me, because frankly, not winning it is going to kill me too. What do I have to lose?? I can only gain from this. I'm tired of being the fat girl in the room, I'm tired of paying more for clothes, I'm tired of feeling like everyone is looking at me with scrutiny, I'm just plain tired. Carrying all this weight around is hard on your body and I feel it, but I will beat this.

I also feel like a light has turned on about work. I am the first to admit that in the past I was a crappy, don't give a damn employee in regards to attendance. If I was tired, or felt a little icky, I'd call in sick. I didn't give a damn. Not now. I will go to work and chances are I feel fine within an hour or two of being there, because I get so wrapped up in work or chatting with the girls that I forget that I felt terrible to begin with.

I'm also now spending more time focusing on my marriage, and making it a good, happy marriage and not just sitting back and expecting it to happen because we're Jeff & Paula. You can lose track of each other quickly if you don't pay attention, you can also lose track of yourself, but that's no longer an option for us. I am so in love with a wonderful man who accepts me as I am, every fault, every asset, every stumble, every uprising, he is there holding my hand & my heart. I am so fortunate to have him in my corner.

I spend a lot more energy focusing on the positive. Although, some days it's incredibly hard and I falter, I realize I'm only human and we all have days where negativity sneaks in when we least expect it. I do the best I can, and when I realize that I'm being negative, I try to snap out of it.

Being thankful for what I do have has become an essential part of my 'growing up'. I have more than what I need to survive. I have plenty of luxuries that many would love to have, and I thank the Universe for them. I thank the Universe on a daily basis for things, whether it simply be the ability to walk with the ease that I once lacked or my cell phone. I thank the Universe because these things found their way to me.

I'm happier than I can remember being in a very long time. I feel like the Paula that I was, is beginning to coincide with the Paula that I've become, and I think that maybe...just maybe...I like her a lot.