Once an atheist, always an atheist? Maybe not...

For many years now I've identified myself as an Atheist because I don't believe in the bible, Jesus or religion. It was something that was hard to admit to myself & then even harder to admit to family. My parents were heartbroken, as if I failed them or they failed me, when it wasn't about any of that at all - I just couldn't pretend anymore.

I've never been one of those atheist who would tell someone they are wrong for believing in any of it but just that I don't believe in it. I've always been one to think, if it brings you peace & doesn't harm or hinder anyone else, believe in monkeys for all I care; whereas I know so many people automatically assume all atheist hate people who believe & think they're idiots for it.  I can't say that I understand how people can believe in a book written according to disciples thousands of years ago when a game of telephone with 15 people can't get a message across a room correctly or that I can understand people who say they do things that are hateful in the name of God but I by no means assume every Christian to be the same.

I don't really know when I stopped believing in Jesus, maybe I always had doubts but my young mind wouldn't go there because we went to church as kids, Sunday school, I was confirmed, the whole nine yards & I felt like I had to believe in it all. I think I wanted to really believe in it all but eventually my lack of faith in the unseen & my lack of feeling connected lead me to my current truths about religion.

I've been thinking about god lately though & my beliefs; I think I'm more Agnostic than Atheist because although I do not for one second believe in Jesus, I truly do believe there is something bigger than all of us.

There is a force in this world, some just call it the Universe, directing the ebbs & flows of our lives, the energy we put in & give out, it comes back to us. I believe in that with everything I am & all that I have. I believe if you work hard enough & believe in something with enough positive energy, good things will come to you. I believe we control our destiny with the way we think & the energy we put out into the world. If we hold on to negative feelings & energy they will fester in unimaginable ways. That's partly why I'm so glad that I'm not one to hold grudges, they're bad for your health & mental well-being but also because you can't have a positive life & be a negative person.

Being pregnant with our second child is what made me start to question my beliefs again. How could I think there isn't something bigger than us when I was told by so many Doctors that I'd have a hard time getting pregnant & I'm going to have a second child? I have to believe that this is part of a bigger plan, that this baby, much like it's big sister, came to us because I felt like it was something I wanted. Neither of our children were planned but they both happened around times when I spent an inordinate amount of free time looking at baby clothes, baby names & seeing myself holding newborns. I can understand how kooky that all sounds but it's my truth. I knew that this baby was going to happen because of the way it's sister happened. There was no real reason for me to be able to get pregnant the first time & plenty of mothers struggle the second time, but my body did what I didn't think it could do, twice. If that's not something bigger than all of us, I don't know what is but I'm not comfortable calling that something god or Jesus.

I don't know what I'll tell Katie when she starts encountering people who believe in god openly because she knows nothing about god or religion at this point in her life. I'm okay with that because I want her to grow to learn things that interest her & feel right for her, I don't want religious guilt to hang over her if she doesn't believe what she's being taught. I want her to question things & know that whatever she chooses to believe in whether it be Jesus, Allah, Buddha or nothing at all, I'm okay with it & her decisions as long as she's a good person. I don't believe morals need to be attached to religion, because there are so many religious people who are very immoral & hypocritical. I want her to know that right & wrong are all that matter in life, the spiritual being she believes in doesn't change right & wrong. I want her to believe in love, kindness & acceptance.

I really feel like allowing myself to feel a connection to the Universe & accepting that I do believe in something bigger than all of us gives me a peace of mind that I've been missing. So, peace & love once again reign supreme in my life. Thank you, Universe for all you have given me.

One year bucket list.

Lately, I'm realizing that my body is much more capable than I originally thought.  With that in mind I've made a bucket list of things that I want to do in the next year. September 16, 2014 I will have done the next ten things.

1. Run a 5k
2. Get my license
3. Successfully return to work
4. Lose 70lbs.
5. Eat in a restaurant with my family
6. Go swimming after 10 yrs
7. Ride a bike after 20 yrs
8. Workout in a real gym
9. Go out dancing
10. Be confident & happy

I can feel a shift bubbling under the surface for me.

I can see myself getting better. My anxiety won't run my life forever. I'm going to get the help I need & I will get better.

Also, I ran this week. For the first time since being forced in school, I ran voluntarily, of my own accord. It still blows my mind. Who the heck do I think I am making this body run? Hot damn it hurts but feels absolutely exhilarating! I will readily admit that when I was at my fattest, I would refer to runners as 'crazy bastard runners'. I thought it was insane to want to run...ugh! Why would you even want to? Now, I want to! I want the chance to prove to Katie that you can never give up on yourself. Even when things look & feel grim, you can do anything!

We watched 'The Little Engine that could' yesterday & it's such a simple message. If you think you can, you will - if you think you can't, you won't. Well, I really feel like I can do this. That surprises me.

One year. Let's go! I think I can...

Crashing wave

I woke up this morning a bit grumpy, as I honestly do most mornings. I don't wake up on my accord ever anymore. Katie had a rough sleep night, she was making noise at 5, then was in our room at 6. My real sleep is over then but instead of getting out of bed, she watches a show on my tablet sitting on a pillow on the floor until it's time to get up.

I shook off my grumpies though & stepped on the scale to such a great surprise, I'm down 50lbs. I was down 52lbs a few weeks ago but I also hadn't eaten more than a few bites in 4 days, I lost 12lbs in those 4 days. I knew the weight was going to come back and 9lbs of it did. It's gone now though & I have been eating, so I'm really proud of myself.

I was riding this wave but it has crashed, I have crashed. I feel like my surf board has tossed me off, I'm in the water with all these creatures picking & nipping at me. I just can't shake them.

It has been over four weeks since I've had any income at all. Four long, arduous weeks of stress filled days & trying to send out my affirmations to the Universe. I don't know if I can be stressed & have positive thinking still work. I'm not sure how that all goes, but I do know that I've been trying. Goodness knows, I've been trying.

I think I'm all tried out...I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now & it's overwhelming.  I'm all out of give a fucks...I've been giving a fuck & nothing is getting better.

I feel like the Universe is testing me... I got a job...YAY! oh wait, it's minimum wage..meh, but ok! No start date...meh, but ok, I'm sure it'll be soon!!...oh wait, April 8th.....seriously, Universe?? SERIOUSLY!!!

I'm fed up & frustrated. The stress other people are telling me about in their lives is piling up on me too. I try to be a good mother, wife, daughter, sister & friend...I try...but I feel like I'm failing in most aspects right now. I want to lock myself in a room away from the reality of life. It's hard & I'm underwhelmed by the future...having faith in anything is hard...having faith in myself & my abilities is the hardest....I dont feel like I can handle things right now....I just can't take anymore bad news & it feels like there is some on the cusp of our lives now. Nothing that directly affects me physically, but family members. I worry for them & it's wearing me out.

I guess today has turned into an anxiety filled day of weakness & mine are blinding me from seeing anything else.

Avoidance

As a fat person, I often don't really look at myself. I mean, really, straight into my own eyes, look at myself. The kind of looking at myself that would make me see my faults & have to acknowledge them. Yeah, that. I don't do it. Do you? I wonder if I'm alone in this or if it's just human nature. Stop looking at what you don't want to see. Avoidance! Let it reign supreme! It does in my world most of the time or it did...

Jeff & I have been on this lifestyle change journey for about 4.5 months, the people we've become already is surprising to me so I cannot imagine what's ahead for us. Since the end of September we've lost a combined total of more than 100lbs. That is insane! I wish I could say it's 50/50ish, but it's 60/40ish. I'm not ashamed of that though, how could I be! I've lost 42lbs so far, Jeff has lost 61lbs. I look healthier but holy cow, he looks like a different person.

We were looking at our wedding pictures yesterday with Katie since she loves to look at them. Neither of us could even remember looking remotely like that. When we started losing weight 4.5 months ago, we were already both a lot smaller than we were 6 years ago. Jeff had to be 100lbs heavier then than he his now, without a doubt, I know I was at least 80lbs heavier but we didn't see it. Avoidance.

It makes me sad when I think about how much of my life I've wasted being fat. No, morbidly obese. Let's call a spade a spade. I don't know why I didn't love myself enough to care. I can remember all too well, not being able to find shirts long enough to really cover my belly the way it should be covered. I remember having to squeeze into the largest size pants at Penningtons & they were tight. I can remember looking at myself in the mirror & wondering who that girl was looking back at me.  The moon face partially from a year of prednisone, partially from non-stop McDonald's & Burger King. Deep fried whatever at 2am after we got home from work. I didn't wear make-up anymore because I didn't see the point, I couldn't look nice no matter what. I was the queen of the ratty ponytail, oversized Pooh hoodie & jeans. I just didn't care about myself at all. I was avoiding the work I knew it would take.

I can't ever go back to being that person. It's not fair to do that to anyone in my life but most importantly it's horrible to do it to myself. I refuse to be a poor role model for Katie when it comes to nutrition. I may not end up being a health nut but I can guarantee you that my child will know how to prepare a healthy meal & that treats are just that.

I really feel so much better about myself these days. I look myself in the eyes from time to time when I'm feeling brave. I've never felt brave before...

This was what we looked like on October 6, 2006...never again

Pity Party for One

Today, despite all logic, I'm having a pity party for one.

This is going to be a whiny, self-indulgent blog entry; consider yourself warned.

I am so tired of being sick.  I've been positive thinking my ass off & it's not working. I'm pissed off at the Univserse right now. Really effing pissed off!

I got through depression for fuck sake, I wanted to kill myself at one point & I got through it, I have been fighting anxiety with everything I have and will continue to do so....Give me a break!!!! I can't leave the house because my IBS is so bad.  I've had to cancel Doctor's appointments because my IBS is too bad to go & wait.  I'm really tired of it.

I can deal with a lot of things, I have dealt with a lot of things, but this...it just doesn't make any sense. I have been eating better in the last two months than I probably have in the last 10 years, and now I'm sick?! It doesn't make sense!!!

I'm angry and I am going crazy in the house.  I'm snappy, cranky & I imagine pretty unpleasant to live with lately.  I am just fed up!

I'm tired of feeling so lethargic. My house is a mess & I have no energy to clean it. It takes everything I have just to feed & look after Katie most days lately.  I just want to feel good again, so I can start exercising like I had planned on doing a few weeks ago but haven't felt well since. GAH!

Ok...I'm done whining now....back to positive thinking & all that hippie dippy bullshit I preach....

I'm not that girl

Today, I was showing Katie my baby pictures, at the back of the album were these 4 pictures.  Prom 1996. It wasn't my prom, but that of my very platonic friend.  If you look closely, you'll notice something in all 4 photos, I have my arms covering my stomach.  Also, if you look closely, you'll notice I wasn't that big. I was about 175lbs, 5'8, a bit chubby at best.  I felt immediately saddened for that girl.  I remember being that girl. So very vividly.  She was so insecure. She felt so out of place & really thought no boy would ever love her.

As a teenager, I really didn't feel like I was ever good enough.  I didn't have any sense of style, I hung out in the band room (I love all my band friends, but we all know we weren't the 'cool' kids), I was flunking math, science and anything else that didn't interest me & I was fat.  Soooo incredibly fat!!! Except, I wasn't.

I wasn't fat.  I wasn't stupid.  I wasn't uncool.  The thing is, it has taken me until now to realize that.

I am at the beginning of what I believe to be the biggest change of my life.  Less than 2 weeks ago, Jeff & I started living a healthier life. We've been watching what we eat, he has been walking a lot, I go sometimes, and it feels really great.  Neither of us feel like we're giving up much.  It feels good to care about myself & my Katherine enough to do this. I fully believe I'm getting mentally stronger because of it, as well.

For someone who believes so strongly in the power of positive thought, I have been sucking in & blowing out a lot of negative energy the last little while. I guess I have been realizing lately that because I'm not by nature, a super happy-go-lucky person, I need to be more aware of the energy I put out. I want great things, so I have to put out great energy! Bottom line.

I wish the girl in those pictures knew then what I know now about life.  I know everyone says it, but when you have the first real moment where you realize what you've been through in your life & how proud you should be sometimes just for being here, breathing, living & loving.  My god....I wish I had of known then what I know now.

I think I would've taken the right things much more seriously. I would not have been such a self-conscious follower, because really, look at me; I have blue hair, I am not a follower. I thought I needed approval from people then that now, I wouldn't be upset if they never spoke to me again because I am stronger than I ever knew I could be.

I spent a lot of years feeling weak & unimportant.  I really thought that every person I ever encountered would think of me as a hateful bitch. Now, I cannot even fathom how many years of my life I spent believing that. I didn't think anyone would like me. Even when I had friends, mostly through work, I never really let anyone in, because I didn't believe they would ever really like me if they knew me. I'm a hateful bitch. Except, I'm not.

I'm not any of the things that my really vicious internal dialogue has been telling me for as long as I can even remember. It's funny the things you remember from your childhood; at the forefront of my brain is one time when I was at a friend's place & her older brother made fun of me by saying I had 'gummy lips'.  I remember thinking it was such a horrible thing, it stuck with me, until recently when I've realized that women pay money for lips like these! Mine were free!  Buh-Bye silly voice in my head!

I'm beginning to feel this fire inside me, I feel strong & confident. The old voices telling me how fat my legs are, how embarrassed I should be for showing them in public, the ones telling me how much people won't like me at first sight because I have foolish hair or because I'm a hateful bitch, they're going away.

I'm not that girl anymore, I'm twice as old now as I was then. I'm glad that even though it has taken way too long, the sadness & fears that she held are becoming less and less mine. It feels good to love yourself.  Who knew?

Revelations

This week has brought upon me, many realizations & revelations.  The greatest of these is how at peace my soul is now.  My heart is happy.  I feel at ease.  I feel so loved. I'm home.

I'm 33 years old.  I'm a Stay-at-home Mom, right now, to incredible, amazing, funny, sweet, inquisitive, spunky, almost 2, Katie Lou.  I'm wife to such an incredible man. Katie & I are so lucky to have Jeff. He loves us like a real man should. He's proud of his family & we're proud of him.  I have parents who really would give us the shirts off their backs if we even suggested that we needed them.  They love the 3 of us so fiercely that I can't even begin to explain to them how thankful we are.  I appreciate my parents so much more after being home this last month, than I ever have in all my 33 years.  

I have a brother who is my best friend.  He really is.  There are 10.5 years between Scott & I, yet, we're equal in our relationship.  We went from protective big brother, to being protective of each other. I love that we both know that if one of us needs the other, there is no time of day that we aren't there for one another. We also call each other on our shit. If I'm being an idiot, he tells me, if he's being stupid, I tell him.  It has to be that way to be in an adult sibling relationship. No matter what though, after being angry or upset with each other, we always, always know that we love each other.  He's my best friend.

I also just realized this week, how much I love & need my Mom.  I don't have the words to tell her when I talk to her.  So, I know she will read this at some point. Mom, I love you.  I love our time together. I love watching you with Katie. I love you. I love you. I love you.  PS...I'm sorry I'm so bitchy sometimes, it's a work in progress for me too....

I feel inner strength in Miramichi that I have been lacking for quite some time.  I feel like I can fight my anxiety here.  I feel anxious most times I go out still, but the difference here is that I still go out. I didn't do that in Moncton, but here, at home, I feel like I have more support. I mean, I got my permit. I still haven't driven, but just having the piece of plastic in my wallet is a huge leap for me.

I feel more confident now that we've returned to Miramichi as well.  I do my hair, put on make-up, try to accessorize so that I can look good when I'm out. With that said, I have a new if you don't like me, don't look at me, attitude! I've decided that my tree trunk legs & flabby arms are mine to accept & love.  I need to embrace my body as it is, and realize that I'm really okay as I am.  I plan to wear capris, tank tops, skirts & I'm even planning on getting brave & buying a bathing suit.  I'm going to make the conscious decision to not care what other people think about me.

I'm going to be outside this summer.  I'm going to be active, sweaty & happy.  I'm going to run around with our Katie. I'm going to dig in the dirt with her. I'm going to enjoy our time together.

I'm happy to feel so happy.  I'm happy to be able to realize the wonderful opportunities that are being given to us.  I'm just so grateful. 

Gratitude

Gratitude.

One word sums up much of what I've been feeling lately.

I whined & complained when life was serving us plenty of things that made each day so difficult that getting up in the morning became a chore.  So, now that I have so much happiness & goodness in my life, I want to shout from the rooftops how grateful I am.

Just thinking about how lucky we are brings tears to my eyes.  Happy tears.  They flow so much more now than the tears of frustration & sadness.

I have 2 amazing parents.  I have loved them always but now appreciate them so much more than I ever have in my life.  They are such incredible grandparents to sweet Katie Lou. She loves her Grammy & Poppy SO much! It fills up my happy meter when I see them do stuff with her. To see the pure, genuine happiness she brings them is a gift to me.  To hear the honest, uncontrolled laughter that she brings out of them. Grateful.

To be surrounded by family again, is amazing.  I had become so detached. I had forgotten how much I love my extended family.  Seeing family, having them finally meet Katie, it's amazing.  They are going to get to know our little Dood.  This is not something I expected to have for her. In my opinion, this is a huge gift for her.  I cannot imagine growing up away from my extended family.  I have so many cousins, not really knowing them is an absurd thought for me.

I also am getting my head around losing weight for real.  Every day I try to something better than the day before. I'm starting to come to terms with the reality of me being 33, morbidly obese, family history of heart problems & I have an almost 2yr old.  I have to change, for Katie, for Jeff & for myself.

It's still odd to me that a dying city where youth leave because of the lack of opportunity is, in fact, the greatest opportunity that my little family has been given.

The Universe leads you if you listen.  If you're grateful, positive & do the work, the Universe listens.  So, for all I've been given, the absolute hardest days when we couldn't afford a loaf of bread, to the most cherished gift I've been given in Katie, I'm grateful for everything.

Thank you, Universe.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Gratitude.

Home

I haven't been feeling so hot the last two weeks.  My back was really bad for a little over a week, the move was stressful, I've been taking my pills at different times every day, I'm beyond exhausted all of the time.  Tomorrow I'm going to call the day clinic to get an appointment to get a refill on my pills & hopefully get some blood work done.  I think my B12 is probably just low, but we'll see, could just be all the stress of the last month finally catching up with me.

I like being home.  It feels right.  Although, I do forget almost on a daily basis that we aren't in Moncton anymore.  It's weird. I forget that we can't just run to Champlain Place on a whim because we're bored or that Second Cup is no longer an option for yummy lattes.  Those are the things I miss the most so far.  I made very few real friends in Moncton, I made a lot of acquaintances, and met a lot of great people. Very few real friends though.  So, I'm hoping Miramichi will be a way for me to get back to being the girl with friends who loves to have fun & do stuff.  Except now, I'm also a mother & wife.  I'm fairly certain that I'm a much improved version of the Paula who left Miramichi 8 years ago.

I feel more confident in who I am.  I have learned a lot about myself in the last 8 years.  The person I let myself become, the faults I had, the mistakes I made, some bigger than others, but each a lesson.  I, also,have learned how damn strong I am.  I have learned to be a great mother.  I have learned to be a better wife. I have learned to be a better & more free me.

I am perfectly fine with the person that I am.  I know the person I can become though, and that is who I am striving to become.

I am more shocked than I care to admit to make the next statement, but I truly believe Miramichi holds our chance at a great life.

Life is good.  I'm grateful. I'm so so lucky.  Life is good.

Random happiness

I have a million and one thoughts running through my mind.  I am abundantly happy, I am terrified, I am excited,  I am sad, I am grateful. I am so very, very grateful.

I am actually writing without editing today.  I'm just writing the words that come into my head without stopping to over think it all. Except just now, I stopped to scratch my elbow, but that doesn't count.  Ok, back to me writing without thinking.

In, like, no time at all, we are moving to Miramichi.  MIRAMICHI!!! What in the name of Tallulah is going on in the Universe that actually is bringing me back to Miramichi?!  I never even thought until a year ago that it was remotely possible.  It is, however, very possible, and it is happening!

Jeff got a job at the payroll center that is bringing us home.  Home. I'm not sure why, but for many years I was defiant that Miramichi was really home anymore.  We've been in Moncton for 8 years, after about 3, I considered it home.  I knew we would start a family here, assumed we would raise said family here, but we'd visit Miramichi.   That was what we wanted.  Then for some reason it changed.

A little over a year ago, my Mom started telling me about how to apply for the payroll jobs.  As I used to often do, I gave her a 'yeah, ok, we'll do it' and of course, we wouldn't. She was on me for weeks before we applied.  I'm so grateful for her persistence.

That night, after we applied, I told Jeff that one of us was going to get on for certain & the other would stay home with Katie.  For over a year, with every email he received telling him about the next step in the process, I knew that we were moving home.  I knew it more than I have ever known anything.  I didn't waiver for a moment.  When talking to my Mom, I'd say don't worry, we'll be living home then.  I'm sure everyone was terrified of what would happen to my mental state if he hadn't gotten the job, but I wasn't worried because I KNEW he was going to get it.

I used 'The Secret' and the absolute amazing power of positive thought.  Jeff & I both spent time individually & unknowingly to the other on Monday focusing on feeling like we live in Miramichi.  If you feel it, if you're grateful to the Universe, if you envision it, you can make anything happen.  The Universe will present the opportunities to you, you just have to be alert enough to make them work for you.

I probably sound like a crazy person right now, but I don't even care.  I know that positive thought works, it brought 2 huge changes to our lives.  Katie & this job/move.

I can't believe this is really happening.  I mean, I knew it would, but now it's real.  I am so overwhelmed.  I miss my family so much.  I realized about 4 months ago how much I really wanted to move back to Miramichi.  I realized that I needed my family. I'm not as independent as I've pretended to be for the last 7 years. I need my family.

Now that Katie is a bit older, I want my parents to be involved in her life.  I want her to be able to go to the store with Grampy.  I want her to be able to bake cookies with Grammy.  I want those things for myself too, I miss spending time with my parents.  I miss my aunts & cousins.  I miss family.

I'm so excited! I feel like a big change like this could be exactly what we needed to shake things up.

It's time for me to stop writing & go clean something.  So little time & such an insane amount to do!! It's going to be so worth it!!

Four days.

Four days. Four days.

I'm nervous. I'm anxious. I'm worried. I'm sad.  I'm a normal amount of all of those things.  That's a first in a long time. In four days, I return to work. In four days, I test myself. In four days, life returns to 'normal'. In four days, I will realize that I'm strong & capable. 

I haven't worked since January 27th.  I will have been off exactly 40 days when I return to work.  40 amazing, life changing days.  

When I went on leave, I was so inexplicably not myself.  I listened to Violin by Amos Lee repeatedly like it was my anthem. It felt as if that song came from my soul.  I wanted to be saved. I wanted someone to rescue me from my sadness.Then, 3 people did. My Jeff, My Katie & Myself. Together, the 3 of us can do anything.  

I am so incredibly lucky. I am so incredibly grateful to the Universe for both of them. The love they give me every single day, well, it's nothing short of life saving.  

I feel as if I am so much stronger than I ever realized that I am.  I am capable. I am emotional. I am fierce. I can really do anything that I need to do. I'm feeling rather amazing the last few days.  I've turned into some messed up, domesticated crazy lady.  It's a great feeling!

So, in four days.  I'm hoping this great feeling follows me to work.  I'm hoping it reassures me that I can do anything.  I know it's going to be so hard.  I'm going to miss Katie & Jeff so much, but I know that I can get through it.  I'm stronger than I realize.  I need to keep repeating that. I don't need to be saved anymore.  I've saved myself.

fighting

I have been off work since Saturday January 28th.  That was the day I realized I was too tired to fight through it all.  Then the next day, I decided the same thing, then again on Monday.  I knew I needed time.  I feel like I have been fighting my depression with one hand tied behind my back.  Going to work, being a Mom, Wife & finding time to allow myself to decompress, they weren't meshing well together.  I totally understand that there are many many parents who are much busier than I am, but for me & for my capabilities, it was too much.

I returned to work full-time at the end of May 2011. I had only addressed my postpartum depression a month earlier with my Dr. Everything was a constant battle.  My new manager seemed to enjoy making me feel like I was always on the cusp of losing my job.  The daycare we found for Katie left us feeling uncertain about our choice. I was stressed out 24/7.  My manager was a complete bully.  One day she loved you, the next you were on the shit list. I was jerked around so much, and made feel like I wasn't dependable because of my family commitments.

October 17th, I started a new job. This was going to be the moment I could breathe & feel happy again.  I thought this job was going to be the cure-all.  I was wrong.  It really has nothing to do with the job or the company, both are amazing, but they can't fix me.

I'm currently off work until March 5th.  I've been keeping my girl home with me as much as I can.  She makes me feel better.  Her spirit & wonder make me smile. I need that as much as I can get it.

On the form my Dr. filled out for my work, he wrote the word 'Agoraphobia' & it took my breathe away.  I'm anxious & uncomfortable to go outside of my apartment.  I have a panic attack at the thought of going out. I used to get cabin fever if I was inside for 2 days in a row.  Until yesterday I had been inside for a week & was in no rush to get out. I've promised myself that I will force myself out in the next few days.

I feel really indifferent lately.  Not really sad, not really happy, not really anything.  When I look in the mirror, I don't think I look like myself. I'm this sullen woman with sad eyes.

I need to fight this.  I am so determined to win.

Positive thoughts, positive energy, I'm fighting with all that I have.

It Gets Better

3 months ago my life was different than it is now.  I was in a dark place that kept getting darker.  I felt hopeless with my job.  I felt like my boss was bullying me, like I had no control over my situation, like it would never get better.  I felt trapped.  I used to wake up feeling incredibly sick, I would take bathroom breaks at work to lock myself in a stall & cry.  I was ready to ask my doctor to give me stronger anti-depressants.  Then, I took control by forcing myself to focus on the possibilities & using every ounce of positive energy I had in me for making things better.

I applied for jobs, knowing that I would absolutely find the right job for me.  The job that is going to help my family have less stress.  Then randomly out of the blue, I got an email.  An email, from a company I had actually applied with months earlier.Within 4 days of said email, I had a new job that started 4 days after I was hired.

I am so incredibly grateful for this change.  I needed it more than I even realized.

That being said, in the last 2 months, I've been experiencing panic attacks.  I've had them in the past but they were never this bad.  I know without a doubt that I can & will get through this.  Right now, however, it still sucks.  My Dr gave me anti-anxiety meds to take up to twice a day, I did that once & I was high as a kite.  I couldn't function, so now I'm only taking them when needed.  That seems to work for me, so I'll continue taking them that way.  Hopefully, before too long, I won't need them anymore.

My new schedule at work has been trying, but it also has a silver lining.  I work 4-12, Thurs-Mon.  I rarely get to see Jeff, which is so hard, but we're managing. Katie & I get 2 full days off together on my days off now, as well as most of the day on Saturday & Sunday. Three days a week, I only get to see her for an hour in the morning.  Those are the days that I dread.  She's changing so much that I don't want to miss any time with her, but Mama needs to work.

Despite all the crap, I know that it gets better & it is going to get better soon.  I feel it.  For now, I'm focusing on the things I can change, making the best of the moments that are mine & just putting my head down so I can plow through the tough days.

It gets better, Paula.  It gets better.

Growing up

I don't know if this happens to everyone or not, but I'm realizing that I've finally grown up. That's an ironic statement for a 30 year old to make, but it's so true.

The last two weeks of my life have been unlike any before them. It's like something finally clicked in my head that said, it's time to grow up little girl & change your life for the better. I feel like I can win the race now, I'm starting out at the back of the pack, but I know that eventually I will win.

I AM going to lose more weight, it's no longer if I lose 20lbs, it's now when. I am going to win this battle if it kills me, because frankly, not winning it is going to kill me too. What do I have to lose?? I can only gain from this. I'm tired of being the fat girl in the room, I'm tired of paying more for clothes, I'm tired of feeling like everyone is looking at me with scrutiny, I'm just plain tired. Carrying all this weight around is hard on your body and I feel it, but I will beat this.

I also feel like a light has turned on about work. I am the first to admit that in the past I was a crappy, don't give a damn employee in regards to attendance. If I was tired, or felt a little icky, I'd call in sick. I didn't give a damn. Not now. I will go to work and chances are I feel fine within an hour or two of being there, because I get so wrapped up in work or chatting with the girls that I forget that I felt terrible to begin with.

I'm also now spending more time focusing on my marriage, and making it a good, happy marriage and not just sitting back and expecting it to happen because we're Jeff & Paula. You can lose track of each other quickly if you don't pay attention, you can also lose track of yourself, but that's no longer an option for us. I am so in love with a wonderful man who accepts me as I am, every fault, every asset, every stumble, every uprising, he is there holding my hand & my heart. I am so fortunate to have him in my corner.

I spend a lot more energy focusing on the positive. Although, some days it's incredibly hard and I falter, I realize I'm only human and we all have days where negativity sneaks in when we least expect it. I do the best I can, and when I realize that I'm being negative, I try to snap out of it.

Being thankful for what I do have has become an essential part of my 'growing up'. I have more than what I need to survive. I have plenty of luxuries that many would love to have, and I thank the Universe for them. I thank the Universe on a daily basis for things, whether it simply be the ability to walk with the ease that I once lacked or my cell phone. I thank the Universe because these things found their way to me.

I'm happier than I can remember being in a very long time. I feel like the Paula that I was, is beginning to coincide with the Paula that I've become, and I think that maybe...just maybe...I like her a lot.