3 months ago my life was different than it is now. I was in a dark place that kept getting darker. I felt hopeless with my job. I felt like my boss was bullying me, like I had no control over my situation, like it would never get better. I felt trapped. I used to wake up feeling incredibly sick, I would take bathroom breaks at work to lock myself in a stall & cry. I was ready to ask my doctor to give me stronger anti-depressants. Then, I took control by forcing myself to focus on the possibilities & using every ounce of positive energy I had in me for making things better.
I applied for jobs, knowing that I would absolutely find the right job for me. The job that is going to help my family have less stress. Then randomly out of the blue, I got an email. An email, from a company I had actually applied with months earlier.Within 4 days of said email, I had a new job that started 4 days after I was hired.
I am so incredibly grateful for this change. I needed it more than I even realized.
That being said, in the last 2 months, I've been experiencing panic attacks. I've had them in the past but they were never this bad. I know without a doubt that I can & will get through this. Right now, however, it still sucks. My Dr gave me anti-anxiety meds to take up to twice a day, I did that once & I was high as a kite. I couldn't function, so now I'm only taking them when needed. That seems to work for me, so I'll continue taking them that way. Hopefully, before too long, I won't need them anymore.
My new schedule at work has been trying, but it also has a silver lining. I work 4-12, Thurs-Mon. I rarely get to see Jeff, which is so hard, but we're managing. Katie & I get 2 full days off together on my days off now, as well as most of the day on Saturday & Sunday. Three days a week, I only get to see her for an hour in the morning. Those are the days that I dread. She's changing so much that I don't want to miss any time with her, but Mama needs to work.
Despite all the crap, I know that it gets better & it is going to get better soon. I feel it. For now, I'm focusing on the things I can change, making the best of the moments that are mine & just putting my head down so I can plow through the tough days.
It gets better, Paula. It gets better.
