Treading water

Imagine you're speeding along the highway, you think you see an animal run out in front of you; you slam on the breaks, your heart is racing, you can't catch your breath & your passengers don't understand why you stopped so abruptly. You look up, there is no animal, no one else sees or saw an animal. It was all in your head. That is how anxiety feels for me.

The last few weeks have been hard anxiety wise. It feels like it's getting  progressively worse again but it also feels like I'm more aware of what's happening. What's happening is that agoraphobia is a very real, very persistent part of my life. There are so many days I want to stay in the house & I'm so glad I don't actually have to leave for anything. Now, though, I'm beginning to have a hard time again leaving the house even when I want to. I've been without that feeling for so long, it's disappointing to have it come back without warning.

Panic disorder & anxiety can really trick your brain into thinking you're weak. That you have all these unknown things to be afraid of. Your conscious mind can fight all it wants, you can say out loud that you're fine & there's nothing to be afraid of, but anxiety doesn't care about those things.

Sometimes, for me, it can just be too many people & too much noise in a room. Sometimes, it can be that I'm trying to get the kids out the door & there are too many little things to do. Sometimes, it hits me & I have no idea why but it can flatten me.

People all too often assume that a panic attack is a person breathing into a paper bag. While that may be true for some, it isn't true for everyone all of the time. I've had a few severe attacks that caused me to be unable to breathe but that's the least of my problems when I have an attack. When anxiety shakes me up I may be weepy, I may experience rage, I may feel my heart race, I may get a cold flash followed by a hot flash which instantly covers my body in sweat, my hands may tremble, my stomach will most definitely twist & turn - so many things happening at once.

I hate it all & I wish I knew how to stop it. It feels like I should have a grip on this by now. I'm tired of revisiting this issue. I'm tired of depression, too. I'm tired of my brain not doing what it should.

It doesn't matter to me that I know more people on antidepressants & antianxiety medication than not. It matters to me that I can't fix me.  I want to feel strong & capable, I had that for what felt like a fleeting second but it's gone now. I feel like most days I'm just staying afloat. You can't see my tired legs treading water, you just see that my head is still above the water because anything else means anxiety wins, I won't allow that to happen. I will fight hard even when I don't want to. I feel like I'm failing more than winning these days but I know I'm fighting. That's all I can do - tread water with everything I have & keep my head above water. 

It's like Dory says 'Just keep swimming'.

Trying my best

October 6, 2015 Jeff & I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary at the hospital by welcoming our son into the world.

It has been a wild 17 weeks to say the least. I had forgotten how much sleep deprivation hurts. You get to the point where you are so tired that you're nauseous but still you trudge along because you have no choice.

I fought a hard battle with postpartum depression & anxiety after I had Katie. I wanted to believe I could avoid that this time, but I was wrong.

Currently, I'm in the midst of postpartum depression, my anxiety has been flaring up & I hate it. 

This time I knew the signs & symptoms though, I knew how bad it could get if I tried to pretend I'm not feeling this way and also, this time I refuse go down without a fight.

There are many days when I just want to shut the world out. I don't want to talk on the phone or text anyone, but I tell myself at least texting is quiet.. There are days when my anxiety kicks me so hard that I'm short fused & snippy with Katie for just being a 5 yr old, but when I realize I'm wrong I apologize to her & we snuggle. There are days when the thought of leaving the house makes me uneasy, so I try to get dressed & go.

Having two kids has been a huge adjustment, especially since they both want to be on me a lot of the time. I miss personal space. I miss the quiet. I miss feeling like I've got a grip on thing.

I'll beat this depression again, I have confidence that will happen. Right now though - I'm just trying my best.

Catch me.

This carousel spins round 'n round
My head spins too

The horses go up & down
Like the ebb & flow of my emotions

Hanging on tightly to the reins
For fear of falling

If I fall...
I just can't

Hanging on tighter still
Refusing to fall

How long does this carousel spin
Because I'm done with this fear

I loosen my grip
Knowing if I fall, he's there to catch me.

And that makes all the difference.

Freedom in a dye bottle

You may not have noticed but my hair is wild. I am currently sporting a pinkish red faux hawk. My father loves to tease me & call me Big Boy from the fast food chain, my mother is seemingly traumatized & I have a feeling my brother still thinks I'm a closet lesbian.

What's the deal with the crazy hair is what some may ask; Please, let me tell you.

My hair is a symbol of freedom for me. It's liberation from my biggest fear - social anxiety.

My social anxiety is largely based on the fact that I expect people to always be talking about me behind my back. I expect them all to be whispering about what a hateful bitch I am, how fat I am, how weird I am, how I don't think the same things they do, I don't believe in the same things most people do, I'm a weirdo. I just expect people to talk about me & never in a good way.

Naturally a pink faux hawk would be the best way to give people something to talk about if they so choose to.

The greatest thing I've discovered is that I'm really okay with it even if they are talking poorly about me. It isn't a reflection on who I am as a person, it's a reflection of who they are.

I'm tired of always worrying & being afraid. I'm tired of living in fear of judgment from other people. I'm tired of not living life because I may not be what other people expect or want me to be.

Letting go of fear is going to be my theme for 2015, I'm just starting a bit early. This ridiculous hair that even I think is a bit silly makes me smile. It's fun, it isn't hurting anyone else, it doesn't make me a bad person, it doesn't make me any less intelligent, capable or loving, it is just hair. I do not now, nor do I ever plan to again care what people think of my hair.  There so many bigger fish to fry in my life.


Besides...Katie likes it that she has a fun mom...

Endless Ocean

Swallowing me whole
Like a tidal wave
Overwhelming, unpredictable
Fighting as hard as I can
Some days my hands feel tied
An unfair fight
Floating life raft in the middle of the ocean.
Isolated & Hopeless
Screaming for help
No one to hear my cries
So here I float in an endless ocean
Hoping one day to wash ashore

Tuesday Thoughts

It's amazing how you can think you've got a handle on something only to realize you are completely oblivious. I have absolutely no control over my weight right now. Instead of losing or maintaining, I'm gaining!!  I just want to eat everything!! It's emotional eating, I know that, but that doesn't make it any easier to control.

I've been going to speak with a therapist for 4-5 months & it has been eye opening. I've told her things about myself that I've told no one else, things I don't even like to think about & she doesn't judge me. I'm discovering things about myself that I had absolutely no idea existed within me. The different things that my anxiety is a disguise for. It's amazing how a person's mind can play tricks.

I'm having a really hard time lately with feeling like my life is stagnant. I am a full-time Mom who feels like that's all she is. I don't feel like I have anything for me in life. I'm lonely. Very lonely. I am not the type of person who easily makes friends. Self-doubt stops me.

I have one person I'd actually be able to make plans with in the city & in a month she's moving. So, I need to figure out how to stop being so afraid of letting people in because I'm too social to be this antisocial.

I turned 35 yesterday. My life is not even slightly what I had imagined it would be at this age. I am having a harder time with it than I imagined I would. I'm a lot closer to 40 now. In five years anything can happen. 30-35 were proof of that. 30-35 were some of the best & but definitely held the worst days of my life. In the next five years, I hope to get control of my life & begin to really live again. Life has to get better because I won't allow it to get worse again & right now, stagnant isn't working either. 

It's up to me to fix this, I just don't know how to trust people. There are things that I'm very open about but that's only one side of me. I don't know how to let new people really in. I miss having friends....

Angry

It's days like today that I truly wished that I believed in god...I wish I had someone to pray to to take away these feelings. I wish I found some solace in something..it's just non-stop noise.

I'm angry all the time. It's exhausting being angry & I don't know how to fix it. I'm tired of being a bitch to Katie & Jeff. I'm tired of hating myself because of the outbursts & internal rage. Why the fuck am I so angry?

I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, I want to thrash, throw & punch things. I want to cry & just let it all out but I don't think I'd ever be able to stop.

I have tried focusing on the things I have to be grateful for but that isn't working. I'm trying to be positive but most days there is just so much anger under the surface that the positivity is nothing but a farce & monumental waste of time.

I wonder sometimes if I just wish I believed in god so I would have someone else to be angry with; someone to blame for my being this way. I can't possibly be responsible for this, I can't possibly have brought this on with my energy & thoughts or have I? I'm not sure anymore.

Most days I just want to give up, runaway from life & stop caring. I'm not sure how to do this again; depression, I don't know how to deal with it all. I, honestly, have never felt so alone. My mom told me that she has felt this way & went to work because she had no choice, she did what she had to for us to live...I don't have that fight in me, I guess. Jeff listens to me but, really, what is he going to do? My best friend has a full plate of her own. Also, let's be honest, who wants to listen to a depressed chick all the time? I feel alone.

Every single day home with Katie, every single day, I wonder what the hell I'm doing. She deserves so much more than I can give her; more patience, more love, more attention, more fun, just more & I will never be that person. I'm broken & she deserves more. She deserves the world, instead she gets a crazy mother who has a very short fuse...lucky kid.

Everyone has battles, many greater than mine, I get that, I know that my life could be much worse but chemical imbalance doesn't listen to logic...bummer...

One year bucket list.

Lately, I'm realizing that my body is much more capable than I originally thought.  With that in mind I've made a bucket list of things that I want to do in the next year. September 16, 2014 I will have done the next ten things.

1. Run a 5k
2. Get my license
3. Successfully return to work
4. Lose 70lbs.
5. Eat in a restaurant with my family
6. Go swimming after 10 yrs
7. Ride a bike after 20 yrs
8. Workout in a real gym
9. Go out dancing
10. Be confident & happy

I can feel a shift bubbling under the surface for me.

I can see myself getting better. My anxiety won't run my life forever. I'm going to get the help I need & I will get better.

Also, I ran this week. For the first time since being forced in school, I ran voluntarily, of my own accord. It still blows my mind. Who the heck do I think I am making this body run? Hot damn it hurts but feels absolutely exhilarating! I will readily admit that when I was at my fattest, I would refer to runners as 'crazy bastard runners'. I thought it was insane to want to run...ugh! Why would you even want to? Now, I want to! I want the chance to prove to Katie that you can never give up on yourself. Even when things look & feel grim, you can do anything!

We watched 'The Little Engine that could' yesterday & it's such a simple message. If you think you can, you will - if you think you can't, you won't. Well, I really feel like I can do this. That surprises me.

One year. Let's go! I think I can...

Optimistic & Grateful

I am constantly amazed by the good at the core of people.

Last week I opened up about my major struggles with anxiety & instead of being shunned, I've been embraced. I appreciate the care & concern so much more than words can say.

To know that I'm not alone. I'm not the only person that I know who has felt completely crazy. Really, truly crazy not crazy of the sleep deprived & a bit delirious type - more crazy of the bat shit variety.  I know of other people like me now, that helps.

Today I took the first step in healing my life. This is an illness. I need to heal, I don't need to fix it. I'm not broken, I'm ill.

I'm going to get better. I feel cautiously optimistic & very grateful.

I quit...again

I quit.

I'm tired of quitting but I didn't see any other option.

Monday, I didn't fall down the stairs accidentally. I did fall down the stairs but it wasn't an accident. I felt nothing but sheer panic at the idea of going to work. It was a split second decision and I made the wrong one. In that moment, I figured I'd hurt myself enough to not have to work or to no longer be a bother to Jeff & my family. Win/win... Ugh...so irrational..

This morning I got up feeling mildly anxious, it quickly progressed though. I knew I couldn't fight it. I had to tell the truth about Monday. I started with Jeff.

I called my boss & was trying to figure out a way to tell him about my anxiety & have him understand that I'm not just being an asshole. I don't think he bought it so...

I can only get into a psychiatrist on the 18th of September.  That feels like it's forever away but it's a date at least. I'll talk to my NP on Wednesday about needing meds.

People try to be helpful - push through it, just do it, shake it off, think positive thoughts. I wish that was the solution. I try to think positive thoughts but the negative ones are so much louder.

I feel broken. I feel very alone. Jeff tries so hard but he doesn't understand. I feel so much guilt over the life he has because of me. He didn't ask to be married to someone with mental illness. It's very hard on him, too.  He's always in my corner though, even when he doesn't have the words to fix it for me.

So, back I go to the drawing board & long days home with the Dood. Another guilt trip, she loves daycare more than being home with me. Ugh....

Last-ditch effort

You come to a point in your life when you realize you are only in control of your actions & not the action or reaction of anyone else.

I've done all I can at this point to fix a situation that breaks my heart.

I'm a forgiver, that is my nature. Chances are you will have to do me wrong many times before I write you off completely, then maybe a time or two after that. I don't forget, however. I'm not sure the person on the other end of this situation realizes that. I've forgiven a lot of wrongs. I've given a lot of myself, my time, my love, my compassion, I've been broken-hearted for this person more times than I can count.

I'm always there.

Except this time. I wasn't able to be there. I wasn't able to do what was asked of me. I had said I would when put on the spot, then backed out when I realized I couldn't do it without causing myself more stress than I could handle.

What this person probably doesn't realize & possibly doesn't care about, but depression & anxiety have been major factors in my life the last two months. I couldn't do what was asked of me because of it.

Anxiety is my arch-nemesis. It is with me during every breathe, whisper & thought. It is slowly ramping back up, but I'm fighting it this time. I feel anxious & still do a lot of things because I have to but the extras don't happen much because I'm too anxious.

I feel as if my life will forever be altered because of it but I start counseling in two weeks. There is hope.

I will never forget this period of time. I've pushed people away by being unable to be social, unable to function like a 'normal' person. I love the idea of going out with my bff for a drink, a coffee or even just a drive but how many times have I cancelled because of anxiety? More than I can count - that's how many.

Now, it has caused me to make a decision for myself that hurt someone I love a lot.

Someone who is very different from me & who sees & feels things in a different way than I do. I'm trying to process that. I'm trying to allow myself to understand how anyone could be this upset for as long as it has been. Knowing the fragility of life & how easily people can be taken from you. I just can't understand that part....but that's maybe because I forgive too easily. I'm softer. My heart feels things differently. My heart is completely broken. I'm sorry for the hurt I've caused but I'm not sorry for doing what I needed to for me. I can't be sorry for that.

I'm not looking for sympathy but just a bit of understanding....

Random banter

Life. It's hard but it is also fun, challenging, rewarding & it's going to be okay.

I haven't written in a while so here is life now...

I've found a part time job. I'm excited but absolutely terrified at the same time. Anxiety plagues me. The what ifs. I don't do well with uncertainty.

Sometimes I still feel very trapped by my anxiety. I feel trapped in my own head. It is hard to know you're psyching yourself out & have no idea how to stop it. It makes me feel broken. How did I get to be so fucked up?

I am my own worst enemy. I pretend like I'm so confident now that I've lost weight. I'm not. I still just see that girl. Unhappy with herself. Critical. Self-doubting. Unworthy. It makes me angry with myself. I've worked for this. Why can't I really be proud of myself?

I have a hard time being proud of myself. It feels like I cheated to lose weight because there were many days when I was too sick to eat & the weight fell off. Jeff worked for it. I was sick. That's the guilt I feel. It sucks...

We moved a week ago. I am happy here. I like our slowly coming together home. We are so close to everything we need. Our car has only left the driveway 4 or 5 times in a week. We've taken to walking everywhere. WHAT????  Who are we? I can't even process the fact that my lazy ass does that...on purpose...weird.

Well shit!

I start work in about 3 weeks. I am freaking the Feck out!

Does it matter that it's a call center? I don't know. It's not the job I want, I mean, I REALLY don't want it but I will go & do my best.  I can't half-ass it. There's no point in that & I'm too old for shenanigans.

I need to find daycare still. I'm stalling. I stalled when I put her in daycare before & we ended up stuck. I just get so panicky at the idea of looking for full-time care for her. I don't like it at all. My girl & I, apart for 5 days a week. It goes against all my sensibilities. She is such an essential part of me. Tears are streaming down my face just from writing that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm eager for co-workers. Adult conversation! I need to brush up on un-poop related topics!

Depression dances around me...I am very aware of how I feel, though. I am not willing to sink again. I just wish I could get this over with so I know what I'm dealing with. What kind of people, schedule, energy....so many unknowns.

I'm nervous. Like a kid on their first day of school. What if the other kids don't like me? What if the the kids from my past make it uncomfortable to be there again.

So much self-doubt. It's foolish, I know I can do the job. I have before. I just doubt my ability to return to work.

When I really left the work force, I was a mess. How do I know that I won't fall apart again? I have to put so much trust in my own strength & ability. I'm scared of failing.

What if I can't do it? My family will worry about me....and I just realized that I'm living in the future....well shit....

Ok...deep breathes, some sleep *fingers crossed* & get on daycare tomorrow.

Crashing wave

I woke up this morning a bit grumpy, as I honestly do most mornings. I don't wake up on my accord ever anymore. Katie had a rough sleep night, she was making noise at 5, then was in our room at 6. My real sleep is over then but instead of getting out of bed, she watches a show on my tablet sitting on a pillow on the floor until it's time to get up.

I shook off my grumpies though & stepped on the scale to such a great surprise, I'm down 50lbs. I was down 52lbs a few weeks ago but I also hadn't eaten more than a few bites in 4 days, I lost 12lbs in those 4 days. I knew the weight was going to come back and 9lbs of it did. It's gone now though & I have been eating, so I'm really proud of myself.

I was riding this wave but it has crashed, I have crashed. I feel like my surf board has tossed me off, I'm in the water with all these creatures picking & nipping at me. I just can't shake them.

It has been over four weeks since I've had any income at all. Four long, arduous weeks of stress filled days & trying to send out my affirmations to the Universe. I don't know if I can be stressed & have positive thinking still work. I'm not sure how that all goes, but I do know that I've been trying. Goodness knows, I've been trying.

I think I'm all tried out...I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now & it's overwhelming.  I'm all out of give a fucks...I've been giving a fuck & nothing is getting better.

I feel like the Universe is testing me... I got a job...YAY! oh wait, it's minimum wage..meh, but ok! No start date...meh, but ok, I'm sure it'll be soon!!...oh wait, April 8th.....seriously, Universe?? SERIOUSLY!!!

I'm fed up & frustrated. The stress other people are telling me about in their lives is piling up on me too. I try to be a good mother, wife, daughter, sister & friend...I try...but I feel like I'm failing in most aspects right now. I want to lock myself in a room away from the reality of life. It's hard & I'm underwhelmed by the future...having faith in anything is hard...having faith in myself & my abilities is the hardest....I dont feel like I can handle things right now....I just can't take anymore bad news & it feels like there is some on the cusp of our lives now. Nothing that directly affects me physically, but family members. I worry for them & it's wearing me out.

I guess today has turned into an anxiety filled day of weakness & mine are blinding me from seeing anything else.

New Experiences

It's been over a week that I've been very seriously looking for a job & so far...nothing...I've had a lead or two, sent off my resume to a few places, but I haven't heard back from anyone yet. I feel sad today.  I just feel sad. Looking for work does that to me...it makes me feel less than...I don't know why I take it so personally, but I do.

I've been doing a fairly good job of staying positive but today I'm all off kilter. I feel antsy & out of sorts today, the way a teenager does before writing a final exam, thinking I'm doing my best but still so unsure. The outcome yet to be determined. I hate it. My mind is going a million miles a minute & it's paralyzing. What if...what if...what if...Anxiety Girl!!! Able to jump to the worst possible conclusion in a single bound!!!! DUN DUN DUNNNNN!!!!!

I've been thinking that I need to learn how to meditate. My mind would probably benefit from it a lot. I'm very hyper, y'know in case you hadn't noticed., and I'd like to relax my mind. I'm easily stressed out, I'm high strung, & loud....I'd like to find some peace in my own head. I'm not exactly sure where to begin though.

I know I need exercise too, but I'm finding it absolutely impossible to convince myself to exercise. I'm in a bit of a catch 22 - I haven't been doing it because I rarely feel well, but I rarely feel well because I don't do it. I'm not sure what it's going to take to get me started but I need to get there. I want to get there...I'm excited about getting healthy, I just wish all of my body would agree.

Something I'm only just realizing is that I'm not only needing to get back to work, I want to get back to work. I'm excited to make new friendships, to meet new people, to learn new things! I am SO excited to learn new things!! My mind is eager for more than ABC's, Twinkle Twinkle & 'Hola, soy Dora'! I'm abundantly grateful for the time I've had home & ideally I'd like to find a way for it to continue part-time but I'm just so eager to have some new experiences.

I'm opening myself up to you, Universe. I've made it clear what I want, I have faith that things will work out the way they should.

Old 'friend'

I'm scared of you old 'friend'
I've felt you lurking in the shadows
Waiting to catch me off guard

Today, my guard was down
I didn't know it though
Life can surprise you, old 'friend'

I feel you wrapping your arms around me
It makes me uneasy & unsettled
You are unwanted & unexpected

The tears flow like the Nile
Fast & free
Nature letting them do what they must

I'm scared of you old 'friend'
Please leave me be

I've worked too hard to set you free
I've worked too hard to let you win
But I don't know if I can do it again

I don't know how to to fight it off
This overwhelming feeling that I can't do it
I don't know how to do it again

The future so uncertain
The unknown, my biggest fear

Go away, old 'friend', go away....

2012

2012.

What a year. Wow.

I can say with all certainty that one year ago, I had absolutely no idea how different my life could be. I had no idea that I was about to have the absolute hardest,literally mind-fucking year. I also had no idea how strong I could be. I didn't realize how lucky I was. I didn't see the real value in living close to my family. So much has changed. I have changed.

I started 2012 very broken. Major depression & agoraphobia with anxiety were taking over. There was no happy. I hated my job. I worked 4-12, I saw Katie only in the morning before she went to daycare most days. I felt like I was smothering. Then we got the most amazing news.

He got the job. The job I prayed to the Universe for. The job I knew was his & I knew I needed to go home. I needed my family. They saved me. We all did it together.

It wasn't easy. I had a long haul until I felt human again. I have never felt so much love from my Mom as I have in the 8 months since being home. It wasn't that she wasn't always giving it, I was finally ready to accept it. I got it...I understand her in a way I never have. 
I've been fighting anxiety hard for just over a year, I'm a lot better now than this time last year. I'm so thankful for that. I'm not sure I'll ever be without it, but I'm getting better at coping with it.

Katie has been the most amazing reason to be happy. She has come alive since we moved home. Having her Grammy & Poppy nearby...there is nothing better. She is so full of love, so full of curiosity. She's my mile-a-minute talker, who is quite often very well understood. Loves to sing & dance. She's stubborn as a mule though, she gets that from her father.

Life has been very abstract & much like tiedye. All over the place, sort of ugly to look at but kind of appealing too.

2012. I'm ok with you. Thanks for the lessons.

Pity Party for One

Today, despite all logic, I'm having a pity party for one.

This is going to be a whiny, self-indulgent blog entry; consider yourself warned.

I am so tired of being sick.  I've been positive thinking my ass off & it's not working. I'm pissed off at the Univserse right now. Really effing pissed off!

I got through depression for fuck sake, I wanted to kill myself at one point & I got through it, I have been fighting anxiety with everything I have and will continue to do so....Give me a break!!!! I can't leave the house because my IBS is so bad.  I've had to cancel Doctor's appointments because my IBS is too bad to go & wait.  I'm really tired of it.

I can deal with a lot of things, I have dealt with a lot of things, but this...it just doesn't make any sense. I have been eating better in the last two months than I probably have in the last 10 years, and now I'm sick?! It doesn't make sense!!!

I'm angry and I am going crazy in the house.  I'm snappy, cranky & I imagine pretty unpleasant to live with lately.  I am just fed up!

I'm tired of feeling so lethargic. My house is a mess & I have no energy to clean it. It takes everything I have just to feed & look after Katie most days lately.  I just want to feel good again, so I can start exercising like I had planned on doing a few weeks ago but haven't felt well since. GAH!

Ok...I'm done whining now....back to positive thinking & all that hippie dippy bullshit I preach....

I'm not that girl

Today, I was showing Katie my baby pictures, at the back of the album were these 4 pictures.  Prom 1996. It wasn't my prom, but that of my very platonic friend.  If you look closely, you'll notice something in all 4 photos, I have my arms covering my stomach.  Also, if you look closely, you'll notice I wasn't that big. I was about 175lbs, 5'8, a bit chubby at best.  I felt immediately saddened for that girl.  I remember being that girl. So very vividly.  She was so insecure. She felt so out of place & really thought no boy would ever love her.

As a teenager, I really didn't feel like I was ever good enough.  I didn't have any sense of style, I hung out in the band room (I love all my band friends, but we all know we weren't the 'cool' kids), I was flunking math, science and anything else that didn't interest me & I was fat.  Soooo incredibly fat!!! Except, I wasn't.

I wasn't fat.  I wasn't stupid.  I wasn't uncool.  The thing is, it has taken me until now to realize that.

I am at the beginning of what I believe to be the biggest change of my life.  Less than 2 weeks ago, Jeff & I started living a healthier life. We've been watching what we eat, he has been walking a lot, I go sometimes, and it feels really great.  Neither of us feel like we're giving up much.  It feels good to care about myself & my Katherine enough to do this. I fully believe I'm getting mentally stronger because of it, as well.

For someone who believes so strongly in the power of positive thought, I have been sucking in & blowing out a lot of negative energy the last little while. I guess I have been realizing lately that because I'm not by nature, a super happy-go-lucky person, I need to be more aware of the energy I put out. I want great things, so I have to put out great energy! Bottom line.

I wish the girl in those pictures knew then what I know now about life.  I know everyone says it, but when you have the first real moment where you realize what you've been through in your life & how proud you should be sometimes just for being here, breathing, living & loving.  My god....I wish I had of known then what I know now.

I think I would've taken the right things much more seriously. I would not have been such a self-conscious follower, because really, look at me; I have blue hair, I am not a follower. I thought I needed approval from people then that now, I wouldn't be upset if they never spoke to me again because I am stronger than I ever knew I could be.

I spent a lot of years feeling weak & unimportant.  I really thought that every person I ever encountered would think of me as a hateful bitch. Now, I cannot even fathom how many years of my life I spent believing that. I didn't think anyone would like me. Even when I had friends, mostly through work, I never really let anyone in, because I didn't believe they would ever really like me if they knew me. I'm a hateful bitch. Except, I'm not.

I'm not any of the things that my really vicious internal dialogue has been telling me for as long as I can even remember. It's funny the things you remember from your childhood; at the forefront of my brain is one time when I was at a friend's place & her older brother made fun of me by saying I had 'gummy lips'.  I remember thinking it was such a horrible thing, it stuck with me, until recently when I've realized that women pay money for lips like these! Mine were free!  Buh-Bye silly voice in my head!

I'm beginning to feel this fire inside me, I feel strong & confident. The old voices telling me how fat my legs are, how embarrassed I should be for showing them in public, the ones telling me how much people won't like me at first sight because I have foolish hair or because I'm a hateful bitch, they're going away.

I'm not that girl anymore, I'm twice as old now as I was then. I'm glad that even though it has taken way too long, the sadness & fears that she held are becoming less and less mine. It feels good to love yourself.  Who knew?

Done. Deal.

Today, I had to fight with my mind to do what I wanted to do physically. My 'little' cousin got married in Moncton, I live about an hour & a half away.  Logically, easy peasy, lemon squeezy! In my mind, holy sweet mother of god, I can't possibly do this! IMPOSSIBLE! My heart raced most of the day today. I had few calm moments internally but that doesn't matter now, because I DID IT!!!

I told my Mom, I'm feeling anxious today, she said, so am I, then we walked in together. She gives me more strength than I let on.

I sat among my family and also, a bunch of strangers & watched my cousin get married. I cried tears of happiness for him(shocking, I know). I was there. That means a lot to me.

I, also, went to the crowded, hot, sticky mall. I miss Champlain Place, but today, like so many others when we lived in Moncton, caused me to feel antsy & unsettled. I did it though...

I'm finding strength in myself that I didn't know I had.  It's surprising....it is also hard to process, because I'm realizing that I've allowed myself to become a victim of my depression & anxiety. I let them 'be' Paula.  Who are you? I'm depressed & anxious.  My realization is that I'm not depression & anxiety. I'm just not & it won't win. Done. Deal.