Trying my best

October 6, 2015 Jeff & I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary at the hospital by welcoming our son into the world.

It has been a wild 17 weeks to say the least. I had forgotten how much sleep deprivation hurts. You get to the point where you are so tired that you're nauseous but still you trudge along because you have no choice.

I fought a hard battle with postpartum depression & anxiety after I had Katie. I wanted to believe I could avoid that this time, but I was wrong.

Currently, I'm in the midst of postpartum depression, my anxiety has been flaring up & I hate it. 

This time I knew the signs & symptoms though, I knew how bad it could get if I tried to pretend I'm not feeling this way and also, this time I refuse go down without a fight.

There are many days when I just want to shut the world out. I don't want to talk on the phone or text anyone, but I tell myself at least texting is quiet.. There are days when my anxiety kicks me so hard that I'm short fused & snippy with Katie for just being a 5 yr old, but when I realize I'm wrong I apologize to her & we snuggle. There are days when the thought of leaving the house makes me uneasy, so I try to get dressed & go.

Having two kids has been a huge adjustment, especially since they both want to be on me a lot of the time. I miss personal space. I miss the quiet. I miss feeling like I've got a grip on thing.

I'll beat this depression again, I have confidence that will happen. Right now though - I'm just trying my best.

Catch me.

This carousel spins round 'n round
My head spins too

The horses go up & down
Like the ebb & flow of my emotions

Hanging on tightly to the reins
For fear of falling

If I fall...
I just can't

Hanging on tighter still
Refusing to fall

How long does this carousel spin
Because I'm done with this fear

I loosen my grip
Knowing if I fall, he's there to catch me.

And that makes all the difference.

Doubt. Fear. A bun in the oven.

A lot has changed in the two months since I last blogged.

My sister-in-law has caused extreme amounts of havoc in the lives of my family members. I truly believe she needs psychiatric help but she'd say that I'm the crazy one. I've removed myself from the situation. I'm done dealing with her & him too. It hurts too much & it's too much stress. Not my zoo, not my animals. I have bigger fish to fry.

We found out a week & a half ago that we're having a baby.

Uh...yeah.

I was done having babies. One & done. That was my motto. I have the most amazing child, I never expected to have any children so I was overjoyed at being a mom to only her.

Then, Boom! Pregnant.

I knew almost immediately. I told Jeff that I was pregnant before it was even humanly possible. Chemistry hadn't taken over yet, how did I know? I still don't understand it but I knew & had to wait two weeks for a test to tell me what I already knew for sure.

We told everyone the day we found out, which was probably crazy but I spent so much time being afraid when I was pregnant with Katie & I want to try to relax this time.

I'm scared to death though. I didn't think I'd be so scared since I know how to raise a child to at least 4.5 but I'm almost more afraid.

How do moms with multiple children do it? I'm so afraid to fail Katie while being Mama to a newborn, especially since Katie holds my whole heart right now. She alone is my entire world, nothing & no one matter more. I don't know how I'm going to be able to share myself with another child & let Katie still be Katie.

Anxiety & doubt have been following me around like classroom bullies. I'm too old. I don't have the patience for two kids. What if my postpartum depression comes back? How am I going to cope with sleep deprivation & having another child who needs me? How am I going to provide two children with everything they deserve? I'm going to end up screwing this up. What if this baby doesn't sleep just like Katie didn't. I am SO worried about so many things.

Postpartum is on my mind a lot. Few things in my life have been scarier than that period of time. It changed me forever, some ways that have yet to be 'repaired' & although I'm hyper aware, I was last time too. I didn't know what I was feeling to be postpartum depression. I hope if it comes back I'll be better prepared to tackle it with a vengeance.

Last time, I told myself & everyone around me that I'd make sure to tell someone if I felt depressed. It took hysterical crying & hyperventilating on my living room floor while contemplating downing a bottle of dilaudid to get me to see that I needed help.

The fact that I wasn't afraid of dying but couldn't take the pills because Katie would be alone crying for too long before her father came home made me see that I needed help. That still scares me. I was so close to doing something very stupid & so very unlike me because of a chemical imbalance caused by childbirth.

Now, I'm going to have another child....

The Right People.

I just saw this on Facebook & it summed up perfectly how I've been feeling the last few weeks. I miss my Right People, I don't have many of them around anymore. Why are Montreal & Calgary so far away?

On a regular basis I am with other mothers - they're a great bunch of women who outside of our children I have nothing in common with. I'm not like the other playgroup moms, I know that, I feel it, it hangs over me like a surprisingly heavy curtain. It's my reminder that although we get along when we are together for the sake of our children, I'm not ever going to be one of them. None of these women would ever do anything to make me feel out of place & I don't want it to ever seem like they have but I'm a realist, I'm not naive to my surroundings.

I guess part of being the very liberal, tattooed, Atheist, hippie mom who says fuck a lot is accepting that you aren't always going to easily find your 'Right People'. Some days that is a much easier pill to swallow than others.

I don't know how to find people who are like me, I mean, honestly I don't think a lot of people are actually like me, I'm a bit of a one off. People who love me just get me, they not only know but expect me to be passionate, loud, quirky, goofy, stubborn, potty-mouthed, loving, compassionate combined with a slew of other equally wonderful & potentially loathsome characteristics.

I miss the comfort of just laying my honest truth on someone & knowing they aren't going to judge me no matter what I say. I miss laughing so hard (over the simplest thing) that my face hurts, my stomach is cramped & we've both snort laughed. I miss being out & about with a friend who I can give that sideways 'did you see/hear/smell that' look to & then see how long we can hold in the laughter when we get on the same page. Truthfully, I miss being the presence of a friend who can tell me that I'm being an unreasonable asshole & know that it's coming from a place of love.

You may learn in school that Canada is 9.9 million sq. kms or simply that it's the second largest in the world but you can't understand the greatness of that until your Right People are spread out along those kilometers. 

Believe me when I say, Canada is a huge country & I miss my Right People. 

Angry

It's days like today that I truly wished that I believed in god...I wish I had someone to pray to to take away these feelings. I wish I found some solace in something..it's just non-stop noise.

I'm angry all the time. It's exhausting being angry & I don't know how to fix it. I'm tired of being a bitch to Katie & Jeff. I'm tired of hating myself because of the outbursts & internal rage. Why the fuck am I so angry?

I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, I want to thrash, throw & punch things. I want to cry & just let it all out but I don't think I'd ever be able to stop.

I have tried focusing on the things I have to be grateful for but that isn't working. I'm trying to be positive but most days there is just so much anger under the surface that the positivity is nothing but a farce & monumental waste of time.

I wonder sometimes if I just wish I believed in god so I would have someone else to be angry with; someone to blame for my being this way. I can't possibly be responsible for this, I can't possibly have brought this on with my energy & thoughts or have I? I'm not sure anymore.

Most days I just want to give up, runaway from life & stop caring. I'm not sure how to do this again; depression, I don't know how to deal with it all. I, honestly, have never felt so alone. My mom told me that she has felt this way & went to work because she had no choice, she did what she had to for us to live...I don't have that fight in me, I guess. Jeff listens to me but, really, what is he going to do? My best friend has a full plate of her own. Also, let's be honest, who wants to listen to a depressed chick all the time? I feel alone.

Every single day home with Katie, every single day, I wonder what the hell I'm doing. She deserves so much more than I can give her; more patience, more love, more attention, more fun, just more & I will never be that person. I'm broken & she deserves more. She deserves the world, instead she gets a crazy mother who has a very short fuse...lucky kid.

Everyone has battles, many greater than mine, I get that, I know that my life could be much worse but chemical imbalance doesn't listen to logic...bummer...

Dementors, bridges & dreaming out loud

Depression sneaks up when you are focusing on other things. It sucks the happy out of you like the Dementors in Harry Potter. This creepy dark faceless thing that just gets you.

I'm trying so hard to run from it but my legs are tired. I scared myself again this week with uncomfortable thoughts that were just that, thoughts. I know myself well enough to know I want to live a long life & I know when I'm really down that I'll get through it.

I've seen a psychiatrist & psychologist, I see them both again this week. I'm going to get mentally healthy so that my mind is ready for the healthy body I'm already working on.

I walked four miles on Thursday. I walked across the Morrissey bridge. The closed to vehicles & pedestrians Morrissey bridge. It was terrifying at best, my heart raced with every step & with every unintenional glance down at the rushing water. I walked so much farther that day that I knew I could. Every time I push myself & succeed l am amazed. I realize it is time for more.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about what it is I want to do. What's my passion? Do I even have a passion anymore? I don't dream anymore. I don't have any dreams with the exception of a happy life for Katie. It has me thinking, what do I love?

Well, I love food. I love the idea of dairy-free food, gluten-free, vegan. I don't know exactly but it feels as if at some point in my life I will be making a living from food. I really have no idea if it's feasible or if I'm just dreaming out loud, but it feels great to dream.

The Dementors won't get to suck all the happy...I'm fighting. I'm dreaming. I'm getting healthy..slow & steady...

I quit...again

I quit.

I'm tired of quitting but I didn't see any other option.

Monday, I didn't fall down the stairs accidentally. I did fall down the stairs but it wasn't an accident. I felt nothing but sheer panic at the idea of going to work. It was a split second decision and I made the wrong one. In that moment, I figured I'd hurt myself enough to not have to work or to no longer be a bother to Jeff & my family. Win/win... Ugh...so irrational..

This morning I got up feeling mildly anxious, it quickly progressed though. I knew I couldn't fight it. I had to tell the truth about Monday. I started with Jeff.

I called my boss & was trying to figure out a way to tell him about my anxiety & have him understand that I'm not just being an asshole. I don't think he bought it so...

I can only get into a psychiatrist on the 18th of September.  That feels like it's forever away but it's a date at least. I'll talk to my NP on Wednesday about needing meds.

People try to be helpful - push through it, just do it, shake it off, think positive thoughts. I wish that was the solution. I try to think positive thoughts but the negative ones are so much louder.

I feel broken. I feel very alone. Jeff tries so hard but he doesn't understand. I feel so much guilt over the life he has because of me. He didn't ask to be married to someone with mental illness. It's very hard on him, too.  He's always in my corner though, even when he doesn't have the words to fix it for me.

So, back I go to the drawing board & long days home with the Dood. Another guilt trip, she loves daycare more than being home with me. Ugh....

Well shit!

I start work in about 3 weeks. I am freaking the Feck out!

Does it matter that it's a call center? I don't know. It's not the job I want, I mean, I REALLY don't want it but I will go & do my best.  I can't half-ass it. There's no point in that & I'm too old for shenanigans.

I need to find daycare still. I'm stalling. I stalled when I put her in daycare before & we ended up stuck. I just get so panicky at the idea of looking for full-time care for her. I don't like it at all. My girl & I, apart for 5 days a week. It goes against all my sensibilities. She is such an essential part of me. Tears are streaming down my face just from writing that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm eager for co-workers. Adult conversation! I need to brush up on un-poop related topics!

Depression dances around me...I am very aware of how I feel, though. I am not willing to sink again. I just wish I could get this over with so I know what I'm dealing with. What kind of people, schedule, energy....so many unknowns.

I'm nervous. Like a kid on their first day of school. What if the other kids don't like me? What if the the kids from my past make it uncomfortable to be there again.

So much self-doubt. It's foolish, I know I can do the job. I have before. I just doubt my ability to return to work.

When I really left the work force, I was a mess. How do I know that I won't fall apart again? I have to put so much trust in my own strength & ability. I'm scared of failing.

What if I can't do it? My family will worry about me....and I just realized that I'm living in the future....well shit....

Ok...deep breathes, some sleep *fingers crossed* & get on daycare tomorrow.

Old 'friend'

I'm scared of you old 'friend'
I've felt you lurking in the shadows
Waiting to catch me off guard

Today, my guard was down
I didn't know it though
Life can surprise you, old 'friend'

I feel you wrapping your arms around me
It makes me uneasy & unsettled
You are unwanted & unexpected

The tears flow like the Nile
Fast & free
Nature letting them do what they must

I'm scared of you old 'friend'
Please leave me be

I've worked too hard to set you free
I've worked too hard to let you win
But I don't know if I can do it again

I don't know how to to fight it off
This overwhelming feeling that I can't do it
I don't know how to do it again

The future so uncertain
The unknown, my biggest fear

Go away, old 'friend', go away....

The fear of food

I nag, bitch & whine a lot..so I accept a part of the responsibility for my not feeling well. Negative energy dwelling within me is partly to blame, but I don't know how to get out.

I am so very tired. It has been about 3 months since I've felt well. I am worn out.

When we finally figured out lactose intolerance was an issue, I was bummed out but was happy for a diagnosis. Now, I just have no idea what's wrong.

My NP has sent off a req for me to have blood work done for a milk allergy. She has also referred me to a general surgeon to have scopes done. Everything moves so slowly at our hospital & I just want to feel better now! 

I'm really irritable & pretty damn miserable to be around most of the time. I'm tired of being a bitch!

I, now, am deathly afraid of all things dairy.  To be honest, I'm afraid of most food. I'd sooner not eat than risk feeling the way I did last weekend & the one before that.

Food has become the enemy. I can't figure out what I'm supposed to eat. I really don't think there is any magic menu plan that is going to work all the time. I have IBS, it's very nature is to be predictably unpredictable, so I expect there to be bad days/weeks. I just want to be able to function.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. If I eat, I'm sick, if I don't eat, somehow, I'm sick. I am way too familiar with both washrooms in our house. I'm tired of living in the bathroom. I'm tired of saying to Katie umpteen times a day 'Mommy's going to the bathroom, come see me if you need anything'. I'm tired of Katie feeling like she needs to make me feel better. It breaks my heart.

I'm really glad though that through this all, I haven't slipped back into my depression, because all the usual triggers are there. Exhaustion, stress, not being able to control what's going on with my innards, but I'm pretty convinced that depression doesn't get to come back without a fight.

I want to be able to feel better through positivity. I want to be able to at least have a good mental attitude about all of this but I'm so deep in the negativity that I really don't feel like it's going to get better or easier. That bothers me...I try to not focus on the negative as being the absolute only option but here I am, doing just that...I wish I could figure out how to change that

2012

2012.

What a year. Wow.

I can say with all certainty that one year ago, I had absolutely no idea how different my life could be. I had no idea that I was about to have the absolute hardest,literally mind-fucking year. I also had no idea how strong I could be. I didn't realize how lucky I was. I didn't see the real value in living close to my family. So much has changed. I have changed.

I started 2012 very broken. Major depression & agoraphobia with anxiety were taking over. There was no happy. I hated my job. I worked 4-12, I saw Katie only in the morning before she went to daycare most days. I felt like I was smothering. Then we got the most amazing news.

He got the job. The job I prayed to the Universe for. The job I knew was his & I knew I needed to go home. I needed my family. They saved me. We all did it together.

It wasn't easy. I had a long haul until I felt human again. I have never felt so much love from my Mom as I have in the 8 months since being home. It wasn't that she wasn't always giving it, I was finally ready to accept it. I got it...I understand her in a way I never have. 
I've been fighting anxiety hard for just over a year, I'm a lot better now than this time last year. I'm so thankful for that. I'm not sure I'll ever be without it, but I'm getting better at coping with it.

Katie has been the most amazing reason to be happy. She has come alive since we moved home. Having her Grammy & Poppy nearby...there is nothing better. She is so full of love, so full of curiosity. She's my mile-a-minute talker, who is quite often very well understood. Loves to sing & dance. She's stubborn as a mule though, she gets that from her father.

Life has been very abstract & much like tiedye. All over the place, sort of ugly to look at but kind of appealing too.

2012. I'm ok with you. Thanks for the lessons.

Stay-at-Home-Mom, I guess?

I love being a mom. This is an indisputable fact, anyone who knows me or simply sees me with Katie would know this, however being a stay-at-home Mom(SAHM) has been a challenge. I have without a doubt very often taken for granted the ability to stay home with our sweet girl.

I have had many days in the last month & a bit where I crave being among co-workers, laughing & talking about something other than Mickey Mouse, peanut butter sandwiches & poop. I long to be in the company of adults, having adult conversation but being at home, with 3 feet of attitude & a side of goofiness, isn't so darn bad.

When I was nearing the end of my maternity leave, I spent nights crying about the return to work. How could I possibly let anyone else look after my sweet child. How could I give up those hugs & kisses. I was almost inconsolable over the idea of going back to my job I loathed, to work 4 weeks & really only bring home pay for 2 because of the cost of daycare. I hated it all. I was so depressed.

Fast forward just under 2 years, I'm no longer depressed. I no longer have a job I loathe, I'm doing what I longed to do. I guess it's just not exactly what I expected. I'm not exactly what I expected. I had grandiose visions of being some Pinterest crazy mom, who actually does that stuff. I thought I would bake with Katie, do fun crafts. I don't really do any of those things.  We read, sing, play & learn together. The TV is always on, it's not always watched but it is always on.  I know it takes away from my candidacy for Mom-of-the-Year, but it's the truth. I can say with confidence that Dora has taught Katie things I would never have thought to teach her.  Hello, counting to 5 in Spanish!?! I assure you, I had nothing to do with that! Yay, Dora!

In the last week I've been noticing all of the Mom's on my Facebook & Twitter. I think of them going to their day jobs, rushing around in the morning to get their kid(s) awake, fed, clean, out the door, possible daycare drop offs, then to work, spending the day doing what all moms do, multi-tasking, your brain never allowed to focus too long on anything without thinking about how your kid(s) are doing, then you have to make sure once again they're fed & clean, possible activities, maybe homework, and then hopefully bed.  I hated that! I hate the idea of it. It makes me antsy. I want to be home with Katie as much as I can, I think it's good for her & I know it's good for me.  I will though, make an effort to find a part-time job soon &send her to daycare a day or two a week. That will be great for both of us. I look forward to it.

I feel very grateful that I have been able to stay home when I physically & mentally needed it most. I believe firmly that the Universe knows what it's doing. I'll figure this career thing out eventually, until then I'm a stay-at-home-mom & proud of it!

Pity Party for One

Today, despite all logic, I'm having a pity party for one.

This is going to be a whiny, self-indulgent blog entry; consider yourself warned.

I am so tired of being sick.  I've been positive thinking my ass off & it's not working. I'm pissed off at the Univserse right now. Really effing pissed off!

I got through depression for fuck sake, I wanted to kill myself at one point & I got through it, I have been fighting anxiety with everything I have and will continue to do so....Give me a break!!!! I can't leave the house because my IBS is so bad.  I've had to cancel Doctor's appointments because my IBS is too bad to go & wait.  I'm really tired of it.

I can deal with a lot of things, I have dealt with a lot of things, but this...it just doesn't make any sense. I have been eating better in the last two months than I probably have in the last 10 years, and now I'm sick?! It doesn't make sense!!!

I'm angry and I am going crazy in the house.  I'm snappy, cranky & I imagine pretty unpleasant to live with lately.  I am just fed up!

I'm tired of feeling so lethargic. My house is a mess & I have no energy to clean it. It takes everything I have just to feed & look after Katie most days lately.  I just want to feel good again, so I can start exercising like I had planned on doing a few weeks ago but haven't felt well since. GAH!

Ok...I'm done whining now....back to positive thinking & all that hippie dippy bullshit I preach....

Anxiety & Fear

Anxiety & fear are major parts of my life. I, honestly, don't remember there ever being a time in my life when I wasn't abnormally afraid of something. Anxiety has always been there as well. It's just the last year, however, that it has become a very serious issue. Fear has probably been the strongest guiding force in the course of my life.

As I said, I have been afraid for as long as I can remember....I don't know why, but I have been.  I remember hating to walk from the bus stop to my house, when I was in elementary, because I was always afraid someone would be following me. It was, at most, a five minute walk.  I have always been afraid of the dark, being outside after dark, & being home alone, especially after dark. Sickeningly terrified.

I can remember once when I was in grade 10, my parents had gone out, ironically to the house I currently live in, to visit my cousin & her husband.  I stayed home because I wanted to talk to my boyfriend on the phone. This meant, however, that I would essentially quarantine myself into my parent's bedroom.  That was what I always did. If I had to be home alone, I stayed upstairs. The doors locked downstairs. Anyhow, I was home alone, and I heard a car pull into the driveway & loud banging on the door. I thought I was going to die from how loudly my heart was racing.  They banged again.  No one ever banged on our door like that.  I peeked out the blinds & saw that a car had backed into our driveway, and as I peeked the person banging happened to come off the stairs & notice me. The car left.  I told my boyfriend that I had to call my Dad to come home, then I called him back.  That was 17 years ago. I remember the panic & fear like it was ten minutes ago.

I know some people get a weird rush from being mildly frightened. Scary movies, roller coasters & whatnot. I think these people are out of their minds!  I need to have Jeff mute the TV & tell me when it's okay to look again when a commercial for a scary movie comes on. I am thirty-three & those are real, honest to goodness, frightening things for me.

When I turned 16, I was not only uninterested in driving, but adamant that I was in no rush to drive. I was afraid. I felt like I couldn't do it.  I'm clumsy, a klutz & sometimes I have the attention span of a toddler. I couldn't drive. I just knew it. So, the idea of driving became my enemy.  Despite, the offers & ribbings by family members to both let them teach me to tormenting me for not just doing it.  'Just do it! Its easy!' they'd say.  I didn't WANT to do it.  No thank you, kindly leave me alone. I felt that way until two days ago.

Two or three weeks ago, I ran out of Cymbalta. I had two choices; call the clinic, get an appointment & get a refill, or go cold turkey. I knew deep down that I didn't want to take these pills anymore.  I knew as well, that it could be risky to not take them but I would never let myself even begin to slide into the depression that I have felt at my lowest.  If need be, I will take pills for the rest of my life to avoid that state of not being, but I wanted to try.

I have had a few low days, a few panicky days, but overall, I actually feel better. I felt like I was hiding behind my medication & disorders.  It's okay if I'm sad, snappy & withdrawn, I'm depressed. It's okay if I lay around & begin to gain a startling resemblance to Jabba the Hutt, I'm depressed. I'm allowed to be afraid & never try anything new, I have anxiety AND I'm depressed!! Double Golden ticket out!

I'm tired of being afraid of the 'what ifs' of life.  I am thirty-three, which I hope is still young enough to begin to get a real life, but old enough to have learned from my past.

I have a lot of silly fears & phobias. One of them being eating in restaurants.  This ties into my ibs, I mean what would happen IF my stomach were to get sick while I was in public?? At a restaurant!! I'm fairly certain axis would collide, right? Wrong. So very wrong.

This weekend, I decided to take baby steps toward controlling my future. Small steps that will have a huge overall impact on my family.  I decided to let go of my fear of driving.  Just let it go. I have collectively spent about 3-4hrs driving in the last two days.  Yesterday, I also decided to surprise Jeff & tackle my fear of eating in restaurants.  My end destination of my driving yesterday was Boston Pizza.  It was really great incredible to let go. Today, I drove all over the place, just out & about for 2 hours.  I loved it.

I can't even really describe how proud I am of myself.  I'm not one for tooting my own horn, but when I think about the walls I broke down for myself this weekend, it brings tears to my eyes.

Baby steps....

Clarity

Sometimes, I have moments of clarity in my life.
Knowing whole heartedly for a year that we would be moving home, because I had a moment of clarity. I put it out into the Universe. I set it free. I held up my end of the bargain. I believed. The Universe seemed to know I wasn't ready to work.  So, Jeff got the job that brought us back to Miramichi.
Well, anyhow...I've been having these moments of clarity lately. I need to lose weight. I'm terrified of the idea of not losing weight. I know that, I, like most other obese people, make promises to lose weight & get better all the time. I know that I'm just a cliche at this point, but I guess what I'm doing right now is asking you all for help. I feel like now is my time to do this for myself.
I need direction. I need common sense help. I need motivation.
I have a friend who says she has to lose an average adult male, and well, very sadly, so do I.
The truth hurts, but I have faith that it can be changed!
I get by with a little help from my friends

Struggles & Pink Hair

Some days, I still struggle.  Some days, I still feel down. Some days, I feel unsettled. This week, I've been experiencing all of this.  I don't know why.  I just know that it will pass.  I just have to work hard to get myself out of it.  These feelings don't scare me anymore.  They used to shame me. I felt less than, because I have this amazing daughter, I mean really, she's a superstar, well, she's my superstar.  I have such a wonderful husband & father in my life.

Why was I falling apart? Why?

I found out why.  Everyone has a breaking point.  Everyone.  When you get to your breaking point, you start having panic attacks.  You see non-threatening things as being threatening.  Your 'fight or flight' instincts kick in, but because there is no threat, you have a panic attack.  Finding out this information has made me realize that I can & absolutely will get better.

I'm still anxious every single day.  Every single time we leave the apartment to go to an appointment, to get groceries, or simply to my parents' house, I get anxious. It feels so silly when you write it down.  My parents house.  The house that I grew up in, I lived there until I was 24, it was my home.  Why would I ever be anxious? What a wacky disorder to have.

Despite my anxiety, I am so much happier being my true self now.  I have pink hair.  I have (sorry mom & dad) mother fucking pink hair!!!! Can you stinking believe it?! SO fun!!! I spent so much time in my life worrying about what people would think of me.  Will they like me, they probably think I'm a bitch, I need to cover up my fat body because it may offend them, I need to look the role of a mom.  All things I've thought.  All things I still struggle with.

 My internal dialogue is pretty rough some days, but I know that it's wrong.  I'm not the person I expect other people to think I am.  Also, that's pretty bold of me, to think I know what people think.  Seriously, why do I think these people two flying frigs about me? Frig, I just realized how ridiculous it all is.  I'm a fat chick, who doesn't want to spend one more summer entirely in jeans.  Like it or lump it.  Also, you may see a variety of shades in my hair over the next few months, possibly an eyebrow piercing & a new tattoo.  Just saying that I'm working on doing the things that feel like me...it's pretty dang liberating to be frank.

Home

I haven't been feeling so hot the last two weeks.  My back was really bad for a little over a week, the move was stressful, I've been taking my pills at different times every day, I'm beyond exhausted all of the time.  Tomorrow I'm going to call the day clinic to get an appointment to get a refill on my pills & hopefully get some blood work done.  I think my B12 is probably just low, but we'll see, could just be all the stress of the last month finally catching up with me.

I like being home.  It feels right.  Although, I do forget almost on a daily basis that we aren't in Moncton anymore.  It's weird. I forget that we can't just run to Champlain Place on a whim because we're bored or that Second Cup is no longer an option for yummy lattes.  Those are the things I miss the most so far.  I made very few real friends in Moncton, I made a lot of acquaintances, and met a lot of great people. Very few real friends though.  So, I'm hoping Miramichi will be a way for me to get back to being the girl with friends who loves to have fun & do stuff.  Except now, I'm also a mother & wife.  I'm fairly certain that I'm a much improved version of the Paula who left Miramichi 8 years ago.

I feel more confident in who I am.  I have learned a lot about myself in the last 8 years.  The person I let myself become, the faults I had, the mistakes I made, some bigger than others, but each a lesson.  I, also,have learned how damn strong I am.  I have learned to be a great mother.  I have learned to be a better wife. I have learned to be a better & more free me.

I am perfectly fine with the person that I am.  I know the person I can become though, and that is who I am striving to become.

I am more shocked than I care to admit to make the next statement, but I truly believe Miramichi holds our chance at a great life.

Life is good.  I'm grateful. I'm so so lucky.  Life is good.

Four days.

Four days. Four days.

I'm nervous. I'm anxious. I'm worried. I'm sad.  I'm a normal amount of all of those things.  That's a first in a long time. In four days, I return to work. In four days, I test myself. In four days, life returns to 'normal'. In four days, I will realize that I'm strong & capable. 

I haven't worked since January 27th.  I will have been off exactly 40 days when I return to work.  40 amazing, life changing days.  

When I went on leave, I was so inexplicably not myself.  I listened to Violin by Amos Lee repeatedly like it was my anthem. It felt as if that song came from my soul.  I wanted to be saved. I wanted someone to rescue me from my sadness.Then, 3 people did. My Jeff, My Katie & Myself. Together, the 3 of us can do anything.  

I am so incredibly lucky. I am so incredibly grateful to the Universe for both of them. The love they give me every single day, well, it's nothing short of life saving.  

I feel as if I am so much stronger than I ever realized that I am.  I am capable. I am emotional. I am fierce. I can really do anything that I need to do. I'm feeling rather amazing the last few days.  I've turned into some messed up, domesticated crazy lady.  It's a great feeling!

So, in four days.  I'm hoping this great feeling follows me to work.  I'm hoping it reassures me that I can do anything.  I know it's going to be so hard.  I'm going to miss Katie & Jeff so much, but I know that I can get through it.  I'm stronger than I realize.  I need to keep repeating that. I don't need to be saved anymore.  I've saved myself.

fighting

I have been off work since Saturday January 28th.  That was the day I realized I was too tired to fight through it all.  Then the next day, I decided the same thing, then again on Monday.  I knew I needed time.  I feel like I have been fighting my depression with one hand tied behind my back.  Going to work, being a Mom, Wife & finding time to allow myself to decompress, they weren't meshing well together.  I totally understand that there are many many parents who are much busier than I am, but for me & for my capabilities, it was too much.

I returned to work full-time at the end of May 2011. I had only addressed my postpartum depression a month earlier with my Dr. Everything was a constant battle.  My new manager seemed to enjoy making me feel like I was always on the cusp of losing my job.  The daycare we found for Katie left us feeling uncertain about our choice. I was stressed out 24/7.  My manager was a complete bully.  One day she loved you, the next you were on the shit list. I was jerked around so much, and made feel like I wasn't dependable because of my family commitments.

October 17th, I started a new job. This was going to be the moment I could breathe & feel happy again.  I thought this job was going to be the cure-all.  I was wrong.  It really has nothing to do with the job or the company, both are amazing, but they can't fix me.

I'm currently off work until March 5th.  I've been keeping my girl home with me as much as I can.  She makes me feel better.  Her spirit & wonder make me smile. I need that as much as I can get it.

On the form my Dr. filled out for my work, he wrote the word 'Agoraphobia' & it took my breathe away.  I'm anxious & uncomfortable to go outside of my apartment.  I have a panic attack at the thought of going out. I used to get cabin fever if I was inside for 2 days in a row.  Until yesterday I had been inside for a week & was in no rush to get out. I've promised myself that I will force myself out in the next few days.

I feel really indifferent lately.  Not really sad, not really happy, not really anything.  When I look in the mirror, I don't think I look like myself. I'm this sullen woman with sad eyes.

I need to fight this.  I am so determined to win.

Positive thoughts, positive energy, I'm fighting with all that I have.

It Gets Better

3 months ago my life was different than it is now.  I was in a dark place that kept getting darker.  I felt hopeless with my job.  I felt like my boss was bullying me, like I had no control over my situation, like it would never get better.  I felt trapped.  I used to wake up feeling incredibly sick, I would take bathroom breaks at work to lock myself in a stall & cry.  I was ready to ask my doctor to give me stronger anti-depressants.  Then, I took control by forcing myself to focus on the possibilities & using every ounce of positive energy I had in me for making things better.

I applied for jobs, knowing that I would absolutely find the right job for me.  The job that is going to help my family have less stress.  Then randomly out of the blue, I got an email.  An email, from a company I had actually applied with months earlier.Within 4 days of said email, I had a new job that started 4 days after I was hired.

I am so incredibly grateful for this change.  I needed it more than I even realized.

That being said, in the last 2 months, I've been experiencing panic attacks.  I've had them in the past but they were never this bad.  I know without a doubt that I can & will get through this.  Right now, however, it still sucks.  My Dr gave me anti-anxiety meds to take up to twice a day, I did that once & I was high as a kite.  I couldn't function, so now I'm only taking them when needed.  That seems to work for me, so I'll continue taking them that way.  Hopefully, before too long, I won't need them anymore.

My new schedule at work has been trying, but it also has a silver lining.  I work 4-12, Thurs-Mon.  I rarely get to see Jeff, which is so hard, but we're managing. Katie & I get 2 full days off together on my days off now, as well as most of the day on Saturday & Sunday. Three days a week, I only get to see her for an hour in the morning.  Those are the days that I dread.  She's changing so much that I don't want to miss any time with her, but Mama needs to work.

Despite all the crap, I know that it gets better & it is going to get better soon.  I feel it.  For now, I'm focusing on the things I can change, making the best of the moments that are mine & just putting my head down so I can plow through the tough days.

It gets better, Paula.  It gets better.