Bummer

Sometimes, I feel like the words are stuck inside of me trying to get out but I can't figure out how to lay them in the right order. I feel like a bricklayer, I know the usual pattern to get the job done, but sometimes I can't do it. Sometimes, I have too many thoughts to be able to lay them out coherently.  I'm trying rather unsuccessfully to do that now.

Panic has set in - 3 days until I start work. This means only 3 more days of mid-day snuggles & sticky kisses. Only 3 more days of hearing her giddy laughter over something silly Mickey did.

The whole thing is bittersweet.

I thrive on routine. I function best when I know what to expect, although I love to be challenged. Right now, I have no idea what to expect. It's freaking me out.

Why am I already expecting the worst? I expect it to be awful. I guess because I know the job & it is awful. I know some people who still work there that I think are mean just for the sake of being mean, and I don't really want to deal with them again.


Everything is changing & I'm just plain scared. I'm sad, too. I know that change can be a very good thing. Change can be a fantastic thing, I just don't know how this change possibly can be anything but awful with only one exception.


Katie started daycare this week. She's loves it & that makes me so happy! I'm not meant to be a SAHM, I realized that as the year & a bit that I've been home with her went on. She needs to have fun & be wild like the 2yr old she is. I'm kinda boring & cranky. She asks the kids at daycare to play with her now, instead of me & it's great! She has kids to play with now!!  That makes it worthwhile.


I hate that this job is so very much everything I hate about jobs. It is minimum wage, it's a call center, it's a job I've had before & hated, it's a cess pool of negativity & I'm afraid to get sucked under. Although, I'm doing a pretty good job being super negative on my own right now..


I'd just like to crawl in a hole & stay there until a good job appears, money is flowing a bit more & all this anxiousness & irritability inside me is gone. Seems highly unlikely to happen, though....bummer.