Catch me.

This carousel spins round 'n round
My head spins too

The horses go up & down
Like the ebb & flow of my emotions

Hanging on tightly to the reins
For fear of falling

If I fall...
I just can't

Hanging on tighter still
Refusing to fall

How long does this carousel spin
Because I'm done with this fear

I loosen my grip
Knowing if I fall, he's there to catch me.

And that makes all the difference.

Doubt. Fear. A bun in the oven.

A lot has changed in the two months since I last blogged.

My sister-in-law has caused extreme amounts of havoc in the lives of my family members. I truly believe she needs psychiatric help but she'd say that I'm the crazy one. I've removed myself from the situation. I'm done dealing with her & him too. It hurts too much & it's too much stress. Not my zoo, not my animals. I have bigger fish to fry.

We found out a week & a half ago that we're having a baby.

Uh...yeah.

I was done having babies. One & done. That was my motto. I have the most amazing child, I never expected to have any children so I was overjoyed at being a mom to only her.

Then, Boom! Pregnant.

I knew almost immediately. I told Jeff that I was pregnant before it was even humanly possible. Chemistry hadn't taken over yet, how did I know? I still don't understand it but I knew & had to wait two weeks for a test to tell me what I already knew for sure.

We told everyone the day we found out, which was probably crazy but I spent so much time being afraid when I was pregnant with Katie & I want to try to relax this time.

I'm scared to death though. I didn't think I'd be so scared since I know how to raise a child to at least 4.5 but I'm almost more afraid.

How do moms with multiple children do it? I'm so afraid to fail Katie while being Mama to a newborn, especially since Katie holds my whole heart right now. She alone is my entire world, nothing & no one matter more. I don't know how I'm going to be able to share myself with another child & let Katie still be Katie.

Anxiety & doubt have been following me around like classroom bullies. I'm too old. I don't have the patience for two kids. What if my postpartum depression comes back? How am I going to cope with sleep deprivation & having another child who needs me? How am I going to provide two children with everything they deserve? I'm going to end up screwing this up. What if this baby doesn't sleep just like Katie didn't. I am SO worried about so many things.

Postpartum is on my mind a lot. Few things in my life have been scarier than that period of time. It changed me forever, some ways that have yet to be 'repaired' & although I'm hyper aware, I was last time too. I didn't know what I was feeling to be postpartum depression. I hope if it comes back I'll be better prepared to tackle it with a vengeance.

Last time, I told myself & everyone around me that I'd make sure to tell someone if I felt depressed. It took hysterical crying & hyperventilating on my living room floor while contemplating downing a bottle of dilaudid to get me to see that I needed help.

The fact that I wasn't afraid of dying but couldn't take the pills because Katie would be alone crying for too long before her father came home made me see that I needed help. That still scares me. I was so close to doing something very stupid & so very unlike me because of a chemical imbalance caused by childbirth.

Now, I'm going to have another child....

My cankles, my business.

The women in my family are generally average height or on the shorter side, I'm not. They have average size feet, I do not. They all, no matter how big or small the body, have skinny or average legs, I absolutely do not.

My legs are the only thing on my body that I'm absolutely ashamed of & I can't seem to do anything to fix the problem. I've always had 'big' legs or so I was told. Once around 15 or 16, overheard a cousin ask my mother where I got my big legs since they all had skinny legs. I have never forgotten it. I didn't like wearing shorts or skirts in high school because I thought I had fat legs.  Then I gained weight, so much weight packed onto my body & my legs just expanded to the point of no return, I guess. I began retaining fluid in my legs, I've said it before but I had so much fluid in my legs that if I cut myself while shaving, clear liquid came out instead of blood - it would leak for hours, soaking the cuff of my sock.

Right at this moment, I'm 110lbs lighter than I was when my legs did that. I expected to lose weight & get my legs back to 'normal' or at least my normal. I thought I'd have ankles again...crazy me! Still no sign of ankles but I'm the cankle queen. I spent every summer from 2004-2012 wearing jeans all summer long because I couldn't bear the thought of people judging me - 'look at that fat girl with the fat legs', 'check out the cankles on her'- the judgment I assumed would be thrown my way. I couldn't do it, I couldn't risk it. I lived in fear of what people thought of me. Last summer was the first time I wore capris most of the summer, it was hard to do but I did it. I still worry about what people will think though, the judgment that I still assume is being thrown at me. Why do I even care? It's because a cousin once asked my mother where I got my big legs - obviously strangers are judging me if a family member took notice.

This summer I want to take Katie swimming. She at almost four years old, has NEVER been swimming & I feel like I'm seriously failing her because of it. I just don't know how I'm going to put my body in a bathing suit, even! I know I can wear shorts but even that is a huge step for a woman who two summers ago wore jeans most of the summer. In one moment I'll think, 'no big deal, just do it, who cares what anyone thinks', then reality kicks in & I start to realize that I care what people think. I need to stop doing that. No one else's opinion of me really matters, I know that on a cerebral level but emotion takes over & I get self conscious.

I have to get over this. I just have to, it's holding me back & there isn't anything I can do about it. I've lost weight, my legs only get a bit smaller when the weight comes off. My legs are just that, legs, they aren't my worth as a human. It's time I stop letting them define me, so that's what I'm going to do right now. My legs no longer define me. These are my legs, you may see them at a local beach this summer, I apologize if the whiteness of them blinds you, it's been a while since they've seen sunshine.

Dementors, bridges & dreaming out loud

Depression sneaks up when you are focusing on other things. It sucks the happy out of you like the Dementors in Harry Potter. This creepy dark faceless thing that just gets you.

I'm trying so hard to run from it but my legs are tired. I scared myself again this week with uncomfortable thoughts that were just that, thoughts. I know myself well enough to know I want to live a long life & I know when I'm really down that I'll get through it.

I've seen a psychiatrist & psychologist, I see them both again this week. I'm going to get mentally healthy so that my mind is ready for the healthy body I'm already working on.

I walked four miles on Thursday. I walked across the Morrissey bridge. The closed to vehicles & pedestrians Morrissey bridge. It was terrifying at best, my heart raced with every step & with every unintenional glance down at the rushing water. I walked so much farther that day that I knew I could. Every time I push myself & succeed l am amazed. I realize it is time for more.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about what it is I want to do. What's my passion? Do I even have a passion anymore? I don't dream anymore. I don't have any dreams with the exception of a happy life for Katie. It has me thinking, what do I love?

Well, I love food. I love the idea of dairy-free food, gluten-free, vegan. I don't know exactly but it feels as if at some point in my life I will be making a living from food. I really have no idea if it's feasible or if I'm just dreaming out loud, but it feels great to dream.

The Dementors won't get to suck all the happy...I'm fighting. I'm dreaming. I'm getting healthy..slow & steady...

Bummer

Sometimes, I feel like the words are stuck inside of me trying to get out but I can't figure out how to lay them in the right order. I feel like a bricklayer, I know the usual pattern to get the job done, but sometimes I can't do it. Sometimes, I have too many thoughts to be able to lay them out coherently.  I'm trying rather unsuccessfully to do that now.

Panic has set in - 3 days until I start work. This means only 3 more days of mid-day snuggles & sticky kisses. Only 3 more days of hearing her giddy laughter over something silly Mickey did.

The whole thing is bittersweet.

I thrive on routine. I function best when I know what to expect, although I love to be challenged. Right now, I have no idea what to expect. It's freaking me out.

Why am I already expecting the worst? I expect it to be awful. I guess because I know the job & it is awful. I know some people who still work there that I think are mean just for the sake of being mean, and I don't really want to deal with them again.


Everything is changing & I'm just plain scared. I'm sad, too. I know that change can be a very good thing. Change can be a fantastic thing, I just don't know how this change possibly can be anything but awful with only one exception.


Katie started daycare this week. She's loves it & that makes me so happy! I'm not meant to be a SAHM, I realized that as the year & a bit that I've been home with her went on. She needs to have fun & be wild like the 2yr old she is. I'm kinda boring & cranky. She asks the kids at daycare to play with her now, instead of me & it's great! She has kids to play with now!!  That makes it worthwhile.


I hate that this job is so very much everything I hate about jobs. It is minimum wage, it's a call center, it's a job I've had before & hated, it's a cess pool of negativity & I'm afraid to get sucked under. Although, I'm doing a pretty good job being super negative on my own right now..


I'd just like to crawl in a hole & stay there until a good job appears, money is flowing a bit more & all this anxiousness & irritability inside me is gone. Seems highly unlikely to happen, though....bummer.

Well shit!

I start work in about 3 weeks. I am freaking the Feck out!

Does it matter that it's a call center? I don't know. It's not the job I want, I mean, I REALLY don't want it but I will go & do my best.  I can't half-ass it. There's no point in that & I'm too old for shenanigans.

I need to find daycare still. I'm stalling. I stalled when I put her in daycare before & we ended up stuck. I just get so panicky at the idea of looking for full-time care for her. I don't like it at all. My girl & I, apart for 5 days a week. It goes against all my sensibilities. She is such an essential part of me. Tears are streaming down my face just from writing that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm eager for co-workers. Adult conversation! I need to brush up on un-poop related topics!

Depression dances around me...I am very aware of how I feel, though. I am not willing to sink again. I just wish I could get this over with so I know what I'm dealing with. What kind of people, schedule, energy....so many unknowns.

I'm nervous. Like a kid on their first day of school. What if the other kids don't like me? What if the the kids from my past make it uncomfortable to be there again.

So much self-doubt. It's foolish, I know I can do the job. I have before. I just doubt my ability to return to work.

When I really left the work force, I was a mess. How do I know that I won't fall apart again? I have to put so much trust in my own strength & ability. I'm scared of failing.

What if I can't do it? My family will worry about me....and I just realized that I'm living in the future....well shit....

Ok...deep breathes, some sleep *fingers crossed* & get on daycare tomorrow.

Crashing wave

I woke up this morning a bit grumpy, as I honestly do most mornings. I don't wake up on my accord ever anymore. Katie had a rough sleep night, she was making noise at 5, then was in our room at 6. My real sleep is over then but instead of getting out of bed, she watches a show on my tablet sitting on a pillow on the floor until it's time to get up.

I shook off my grumpies though & stepped on the scale to such a great surprise, I'm down 50lbs. I was down 52lbs a few weeks ago but I also hadn't eaten more than a few bites in 4 days, I lost 12lbs in those 4 days. I knew the weight was going to come back and 9lbs of it did. It's gone now though & I have been eating, so I'm really proud of myself.

I was riding this wave but it has crashed, I have crashed. I feel like my surf board has tossed me off, I'm in the water with all these creatures picking & nipping at me. I just can't shake them.

It has been over four weeks since I've had any income at all. Four long, arduous weeks of stress filled days & trying to send out my affirmations to the Universe. I don't know if I can be stressed & have positive thinking still work. I'm not sure how that all goes, but I do know that I've been trying. Goodness knows, I've been trying.

I think I'm all tried out...I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now & it's overwhelming.  I'm all out of give a fucks...I've been giving a fuck & nothing is getting better.

I feel like the Universe is testing me... I got a job...YAY! oh wait, it's minimum wage..meh, but ok! No start date...meh, but ok, I'm sure it'll be soon!!...oh wait, April 8th.....seriously, Universe?? SERIOUSLY!!!

I'm fed up & frustrated. The stress other people are telling me about in their lives is piling up on me too. I try to be a good mother, wife, daughter, sister & friend...I try...but I feel like I'm failing in most aspects right now. I want to lock myself in a room away from the reality of life. It's hard & I'm underwhelmed by the future...having faith in anything is hard...having faith in myself & my abilities is the hardest....I dont feel like I can handle things right now....I just can't take anymore bad news & it feels like there is some on the cusp of our lives now. Nothing that directly affects me physically, but family members. I worry for them & it's wearing me out.

I guess today has turned into an anxiety filled day of weakness & mine are blinding me from seeing anything else.

The fear of food

I nag, bitch & whine a lot..so I accept a part of the responsibility for my not feeling well. Negative energy dwelling within me is partly to blame, but I don't know how to get out.

I am so very tired. It has been about 3 months since I've felt well. I am worn out.

When we finally figured out lactose intolerance was an issue, I was bummed out but was happy for a diagnosis. Now, I just have no idea what's wrong.

My NP has sent off a req for me to have blood work done for a milk allergy. She has also referred me to a general surgeon to have scopes done. Everything moves so slowly at our hospital & I just want to feel better now! 

I'm really irritable & pretty damn miserable to be around most of the time. I'm tired of being a bitch!

I, now, am deathly afraid of all things dairy.  To be honest, I'm afraid of most food. I'd sooner not eat than risk feeling the way I did last weekend & the one before that.

Food has become the enemy. I can't figure out what I'm supposed to eat. I really don't think there is any magic menu plan that is going to work all the time. I have IBS, it's very nature is to be predictably unpredictable, so I expect there to be bad days/weeks. I just want to be able to function.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. If I eat, I'm sick, if I don't eat, somehow, I'm sick. I am way too familiar with both washrooms in our house. I'm tired of living in the bathroom. I'm tired of saying to Katie umpteen times a day 'Mommy's going to the bathroom, come see me if you need anything'. I'm tired of Katie feeling like she needs to make me feel better. It breaks my heart.

I'm really glad though that through this all, I haven't slipped back into my depression, because all the usual triggers are there. Exhaustion, stress, not being able to control what's going on with my innards, but I'm pretty convinced that depression doesn't get to come back without a fight.

I want to be able to feel better through positivity. I want to be able to at least have a good mental attitude about all of this but I'm so deep in the negativity that I really don't feel like it's going to get better or easier. That bothers me...I try to not focus on the negative as being the absolute only option but here I am, doing just that...I wish I could figure out how to change that

The unknown..

I'm overwhelmed.
For at least three weeks my IBS has been out of control. Worse than I can ever remember. It was bad enough for me to go to the Doctor, who technically is a LPN, but she is better than any certified Doctor I've ever seen.
Two weeks ago she suggested I try probiotics & gave me a prescription to take at bedtime, ordered bloodwork & the oh-so-pleasant stool samples. Awesome. Except I'm still sick.
My bloodwork was only scheduled for next Thursday. This is asinine, in my opinion, I'm sick now. So back to my LPN I went today. She gave me 2 new RX's to take with the current one & sent me to the hospital as a walk-in to get everything done. 6 viles of blood & a paper bag full of sample collecting 'goodies' later, and I'm home.
I know IBS isn't cancer, I know it isn't life threatening, but something it is, is life altering.
A lot of people don't even know what IBS is, but to those who it affects, either personally or as a loved one, they know that this is a rotten, terrible, often embarrassing & painful 'syndrome' to have.
I'm focusing on the positive though, I have a medical professional who is really working with me to get me better & I'm so grateful for that.
I'm also overwhelmed because my father was diagnosed last week with prostate cancer.  Early stages for the most part & I really don't think for even 2 seconds that this is it for him. It's just that hearing the words 'your father has prostate cancer', to know that my Daddy, the man who means more to me than almost anyone...has cancer...it pisses me off.
I guess I'm sad too, I'm sad that my Dad has to go through all of this. I'm sad that my Mom will stress & worry herself sick over this. I'm sad that in a time when a new life is soon coming into our family, we have to deal with this.
I just want to scream Fuck you, cancer! Fuck. you. Leave my Daddy alone!
I wish it was that easy to make it go away, but at least they caught it fairly early & my Dad will get better.
The unknown is what scares me, I don't know what to expect. Both with my IBS & with my Dad's treatment. I'm not a fan of the unknown. Just like when I was growing up, I wasn't late for curfew, I didn't know what would happen if I was, but I wasn't about to find out...the damn unknown.
I love how writing this all down & releasing it from my head makes me feel a little less crazy.  Also, writing it down has allowed me to find some positives. I am going to get my IBS under control, my Dad will soon be cancer free & our family will be able to be happy together & celebrate my brother's son who will join us in a little over a month.
It will get better. I just know it.

I'm not that girl

Today, I was showing Katie my baby pictures, at the back of the album were these 4 pictures.  Prom 1996. It wasn't my prom, but that of my very platonic friend.  If you look closely, you'll notice something in all 4 photos, I have my arms covering my stomach.  Also, if you look closely, you'll notice I wasn't that big. I was about 175lbs, 5'8, a bit chubby at best.  I felt immediately saddened for that girl.  I remember being that girl. So very vividly.  She was so insecure. She felt so out of place & really thought no boy would ever love her.

As a teenager, I really didn't feel like I was ever good enough.  I didn't have any sense of style, I hung out in the band room (I love all my band friends, but we all know we weren't the 'cool' kids), I was flunking math, science and anything else that didn't interest me & I was fat.  Soooo incredibly fat!!! Except, I wasn't.

I wasn't fat.  I wasn't stupid.  I wasn't uncool.  The thing is, it has taken me until now to realize that.

I am at the beginning of what I believe to be the biggest change of my life.  Less than 2 weeks ago, Jeff & I started living a healthier life. We've been watching what we eat, he has been walking a lot, I go sometimes, and it feels really great.  Neither of us feel like we're giving up much.  It feels good to care about myself & my Katherine enough to do this. I fully believe I'm getting mentally stronger because of it, as well.

For someone who believes so strongly in the power of positive thought, I have been sucking in & blowing out a lot of negative energy the last little while. I guess I have been realizing lately that because I'm not by nature, a super happy-go-lucky person, I need to be more aware of the energy I put out. I want great things, so I have to put out great energy! Bottom line.

I wish the girl in those pictures knew then what I know now about life.  I know everyone says it, but when you have the first real moment where you realize what you've been through in your life & how proud you should be sometimes just for being here, breathing, living & loving.  My god....I wish I had of known then what I know now.

I think I would've taken the right things much more seriously. I would not have been such a self-conscious follower, because really, look at me; I have blue hair, I am not a follower. I thought I needed approval from people then that now, I wouldn't be upset if they never spoke to me again because I am stronger than I ever knew I could be.

I spent a lot of years feeling weak & unimportant.  I really thought that every person I ever encountered would think of me as a hateful bitch. Now, I cannot even fathom how many years of my life I spent believing that. I didn't think anyone would like me. Even when I had friends, mostly through work, I never really let anyone in, because I didn't believe they would ever really like me if they knew me. I'm a hateful bitch. Except, I'm not.

I'm not any of the things that my really vicious internal dialogue has been telling me for as long as I can even remember. It's funny the things you remember from your childhood; at the forefront of my brain is one time when I was at a friend's place & her older brother made fun of me by saying I had 'gummy lips'.  I remember thinking it was such a horrible thing, it stuck with me, until recently when I've realized that women pay money for lips like these! Mine were free!  Buh-Bye silly voice in my head!

I'm beginning to feel this fire inside me, I feel strong & confident. The old voices telling me how fat my legs are, how embarrassed I should be for showing them in public, the ones telling me how much people won't like me at first sight because I have foolish hair or because I'm a hateful bitch, they're going away.

I'm not that girl anymore, I'm twice as old now as I was then. I'm glad that even though it has taken way too long, the sadness & fears that she held are becoming less and less mine. It feels good to love yourself.  Who knew?

Anxiety & Fear

Anxiety & fear are major parts of my life. I, honestly, don't remember there ever being a time in my life when I wasn't abnormally afraid of something. Anxiety has always been there as well. It's just the last year, however, that it has become a very serious issue. Fear has probably been the strongest guiding force in the course of my life.

As I said, I have been afraid for as long as I can remember....I don't know why, but I have been.  I remember hating to walk from the bus stop to my house, when I was in elementary, because I was always afraid someone would be following me. It was, at most, a five minute walk.  I have always been afraid of the dark, being outside after dark, & being home alone, especially after dark. Sickeningly terrified.

I can remember once when I was in grade 10, my parents had gone out, ironically to the house I currently live in, to visit my cousin & her husband.  I stayed home because I wanted to talk to my boyfriend on the phone. This meant, however, that I would essentially quarantine myself into my parent's bedroom.  That was what I always did. If I had to be home alone, I stayed upstairs. The doors locked downstairs. Anyhow, I was home alone, and I heard a car pull into the driveway & loud banging on the door. I thought I was going to die from how loudly my heart was racing.  They banged again.  No one ever banged on our door like that.  I peeked out the blinds & saw that a car had backed into our driveway, and as I peeked the person banging happened to come off the stairs & notice me. The car left.  I told my boyfriend that I had to call my Dad to come home, then I called him back.  That was 17 years ago. I remember the panic & fear like it was ten minutes ago.

I know some people get a weird rush from being mildly frightened. Scary movies, roller coasters & whatnot. I think these people are out of their minds!  I need to have Jeff mute the TV & tell me when it's okay to look again when a commercial for a scary movie comes on. I am thirty-three & those are real, honest to goodness, frightening things for me.

When I turned 16, I was not only uninterested in driving, but adamant that I was in no rush to drive. I was afraid. I felt like I couldn't do it.  I'm clumsy, a klutz & sometimes I have the attention span of a toddler. I couldn't drive. I just knew it. So, the idea of driving became my enemy.  Despite, the offers & ribbings by family members to both let them teach me to tormenting me for not just doing it.  'Just do it! Its easy!' they'd say.  I didn't WANT to do it.  No thank you, kindly leave me alone. I felt that way until two days ago.

Two or three weeks ago, I ran out of Cymbalta. I had two choices; call the clinic, get an appointment & get a refill, or go cold turkey. I knew deep down that I didn't want to take these pills anymore.  I knew as well, that it could be risky to not take them but I would never let myself even begin to slide into the depression that I have felt at my lowest.  If need be, I will take pills for the rest of my life to avoid that state of not being, but I wanted to try.

I have had a few low days, a few panicky days, but overall, I actually feel better. I felt like I was hiding behind my medication & disorders.  It's okay if I'm sad, snappy & withdrawn, I'm depressed. It's okay if I lay around & begin to gain a startling resemblance to Jabba the Hutt, I'm depressed. I'm allowed to be afraid & never try anything new, I have anxiety AND I'm depressed!! Double Golden ticket out!

I'm tired of being afraid of the 'what ifs' of life.  I am thirty-three, which I hope is still young enough to begin to get a real life, but old enough to have learned from my past.

I have a lot of silly fears & phobias. One of them being eating in restaurants.  This ties into my ibs, I mean what would happen IF my stomach were to get sick while I was in public?? At a restaurant!! I'm fairly certain axis would collide, right? Wrong. So very wrong.

This weekend, I decided to take baby steps toward controlling my future. Small steps that will have a huge overall impact on my family.  I decided to let go of my fear of driving.  Just let it go. I have collectively spent about 3-4hrs driving in the last two days.  Yesterday, I also decided to surprise Jeff & tackle my fear of eating in restaurants.  My end destination of my driving yesterday was Boston Pizza.  It was really great incredible to let go. Today, I drove all over the place, just out & about for 2 hours.  I loved it.

I can't even really describe how proud I am of myself.  I'm not one for tooting my own horn, but when I think about the walls I broke down for myself this weekend, it brings tears to my eyes.

Baby steps....

Struggles & Pink Hair

Some days, I still struggle.  Some days, I still feel down. Some days, I feel unsettled. This week, I've been experiencing all of this.  I don't know why.  I just know that it will pass.  I just have to work hard to get myself out of it.  These feelings don't scare me anymore.  They used to shame me. I felt less than, because I have this amazing daughter, I mean really, she's a superstar, well, she's my superstar.  I have such a wonderful husband & father in my life.

Why was I falling apart? Why?

I found out why.  Everyone has a breaking point.  Everyone.  When you get to your breaking point, you start having panic attacks.  You see non-threatening things as being threatening.  Your 'fight or flight' instincts kick in, but because there is no threat, you have a panic attack.  Finding out this information has made me realize that I can & absolutely will get better.

I'm still anxious every single day.  Every single time we leave the apartment to go to an appointment, to get groceries, or simply to my parents' house, I get anxious. It feels so silly when you write it down.  My parents house.  The house that I grew up in, I lived there until I was 24, it was my home.  Why would I ever be anxious? What a wacky disorder to have.

Despite my anxiety, I am so much happier being my true self now.  I have pink hair.  I have (sorry mom & dad) mother fucking pink hair!!!! Can you stinking believe it?! SO fun!!! I spent so much time in my life worrying about what people would think of me.  Will they like me, they probably think I'm a bitch, I need to cover up my fat body because it may offend them, I need to look the role of a mom.  All things I've thought.  All things I still struggle with.

 My internal dialogue is pretty rough some days, but I know that it's wrong.  I'm not the person I expect other people to think I am.  Also, that's pretty bold of me, to think I know what people think.  Seriously, why do I think these people two flying frigs about me? Frig, I just realized how ridiculous it all is.  I'm a fat chick, who doesn't want to spend one more summer entirely in jeans.  Like it or lump it.  Also, you may see a variety of shades in my hair over the next few months, possibly an eyebrow piercing & a new tattoo.  Just saying that I'm working on doing the things that feel like me...it's pretty dang liberating to be frank.

Fear

Fear is a terrible thing. I know everyone has some sort of fear in their lives, but I'm fairly certain that I am afraid of more things than the average person. I tend to be a bit irrational when it comes to being afraid.

I am afraid first & foremost of sharks. The idea of sharks sends a bit of a shiver up my spine. I don't watch anything, including commercials with sharks. They terrify me, and this is where I get irrational, I'm also afraid of cruise ships because in part of my fear of sharks. I have this extremely hypothetical & extremely unlikely scenario in my head that if I were to ever be on a cruise ship it could sink, and maybe there wouldn't be enough life boats and I'd then be in the water surrounded by sharks. I know logically that if these things were to actually happen, then it's really just my time to go, but I figure if I avoid cruise ships altogether it lessens my chances.

I'm afraid of driving, therefore I do not drive. This is a fear that angers me. I am an intelligent, capable woman; so why am I afraid of doing something that most people do?

I'm also afraid of the dark. The blinds on my windows are closed at night, I don't go outside by myself, I'm absolutely a big baby about it all.

I don't do scary movies & don't even think about getting me to sit through a preview for one. I close my eyes, cover my ears & Jeff tells me when it's over. Yes, I know, very mature.

I'm afraid to trust most people now too, I'm afraid to let myself be vulnerable & make new friends. I've had too many people in my life let me down, more than my fair share if you ask me. So, now I have acquaintances & a very very few real friends. This is the fear that saddens me the most & has the biggest effect on me.

My mind is my biggest enemy when it comes to fear, as it is with everyone, but in the midst of being afraid I actually think, 'there's nothing to be afraid of, it's all in your head', then I continue to be afraid.

I hope I don't pass these things on to my daughter, it isn't fun to be so afraid of everything & know that you really have no reason to feel that way. If she has fear in her life I want it to be of real things, not silly hypothetical situations & things she can very easily accomplish if she slowed her mind down a bit.


"The key to change is to let go of fear" - Roseanne Cash

I hope it's not too late for actual change