Two weeks ago I stepped outside my comfort zone - way outside. I sent Facebook inbox messages to two moms that I know a bit, inviting each of them over with their daughters for a play date with Katie & I. One mom replied that she'd love to, the other mom (who was online a lot that day & I know saw the message) didn't even bother to reply.
I set up & had a wonderful play date with the mother who did reply but for two weeks the mother who didn't reply has been on my mind. A constant barrage of unanswered & often irrational questions & thoughts. Why didn't she reply? What about me doesn't she like? Am I always going to cost Katie friends? I'm definitely going to be the reason she doesn't have friends. Why can't I just be like everyone else? Poor Katie, why does she have to have such a weird mother? I wish I was just normal.
I, honestly, expect to be the reason she doesn't have certain friends in her lifetime.
I am not your average person, most definitely not your average Miramichier & I know that. I tend to think outside the box more than most people. I try hard not to judge people on their outer shell, because all too often it really is just a shell & once you crack it, there's so much beauty. I believe passionately in equality & justice. I get fired up over injustice & judgment. I'm a hippie, I know people have their ideas about what a hippie is, but in my soul, that's just who I am. I wear bright clothes, I talk too loudly, I swear too much, I don't believe in god but I believe it's your right to if you so choose, I think all love is equal, babies need love not parents of both genders, I am pro-choice & that doesn't mean I'm pro-abortion, Climate change is happening, SCIENCE MATTERS, marijuana shouldn't be illegal & Americans need better gun control.
There are people in my life that I have plenty of reasons to hate but there is no single person that I actually hate. Not one. I believe to hate is to actually wish ill for another person or to be happy if something unfortunate were to happen to them, I don't have anyone in my life like that. I can't hold hate in my heart. That's not saying that there aren't people I dislike a lot, people I never want to be around EVER but I don't hate them.
For two weeks, these have been the thoughts in my head, I've been reviewing what I believe, am I too vocal about it, should I tone down who I am, maybe I should talk less about being atheist or maybe anyone who doesn't like me for who I am can kiss my ass?? Yeah, we're going to go with the latter. That was the grand conclusion of my two weeks of soul searching.
I like who I am, I like the person I'm becoming, I like the lessons I'm teaching my daughter & the person she's becoming as a result. So what if I don't believe in god - I believe in right & wrong, I'm pro-choice - you don't have to choose to have an abortion, I'm 100% for gay rights - chances are someone you love is gay & you just don't know it, legalizing marijuana - people are going to buy & smoke it either way but only one is good for the economy. I like making up silly songs about everything I do, I like dancing randomly in public & not caring at all, I like not being so wrapped up in what other people think because their opinions of me do not matter.
Hindsight has shown me that the mom who didn't reply did me a huge favour, I went from feeling really terrible about myself for not being accepted by her to realizing that it's okay because I truly like who I am & the values I have.
She's still on my Facebook & may very well see this after I share it but I don't care either way. Hopefully she'll realize that basic etiquette can go a long way.
Showing posts with label sahm. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sahm. Show all posts
Monday, June 2, 2014
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
My cankles, my business.
The women in my family are generally average height or on the shorter side, I'm not. They have average size feet, I do not. They all, no matter how big or small the body, have skinny or average legs, I absolutely do not.
My legs are the only thing on my body that I'm absolutely ashamed of & I can't seem to do anything to fix the problem. I've always had 'big' legs or so I was told. Once around 15 or 16, overheard a cousin ask my mother where I got my big legs since they all had skinny legs. I have never forgotten it. I didn't like wearing shorts or skirts in high school because I thought I had fat legs. Then I gained weight, so much weight packed onto my body & my legs just expanded to the point of no return, I guess. I began retaining fluid in my legs, I've said it before but I had so much fluid in my legs that if I cut myself while shaving, clear liquid came out instead of blood - it would leak for hours, soaking the cuff of my sock.
Right at this moment, I'm 110lbs lighter than I was when my legs did that. I expected to lose weight & get my legs back to 'normal' or at least my normal. I thought I'd have ankles again...crazy me! Still no sign of ankles but I'm the cankle queen. I spent every summer from 2004-2012 wearing jeans all summer long because I couldn't bear the thought of people judging me - 'look at that fat girl with the fat legs', 'check out the cankles on her'- the judgment I assumed would be thrown my way. I couldn't do it, I couldn't risk it. I lived in fear of what people thought of me. Last summer was the first time I wore capris most of the summer, it was hard to do but I did it. I still worry about what people will think though, the judgment that I still assume is being thrown at me. Why do I even care? It's because a cousin once asked my mother where I got my big legs - obviously strangers are judging me if a family member took notice.
This summer I want to take Katie swimming. She at almost four years old, has NEVER been swimming & I feel like I'm seriously failing her because of it. I just don't know how I'm going to put my body in a bathing suit, even! I know I can wear shorts but even that is a huge step for a woman who two summers ago wore jeans most of the summer. In one moment I'll think, 'no big deal, just do it, who cares what anyone thinks', then reality kicks in & I start to realize that I care what people think. I need to stop doing that. No one else's opinion of me really matters, I know that on a cerebral level but emotion takes over & I get self conscious.
I have to get over this. I just have to, it's holding me back & there isn't anything I can do about it. I've lost weight, my legs only get a bit smaller when the weight comes off. My legs are just that, legs, they aren't my worth as a human. It's time I stop letting them define me, so that's what I'm going to do right now. My legs no longer define me. These are my legs, you may see them at a local beach this summer, I apologize if the whiteness of them blinds you, it's been a while since they've seen sunshine.
My legs are the only thing on my body that I'm absolutely ashamed of & I can't seem to do anything to fix the problem. I've always had 'big' legs or so I was told. Once around 15 or 16, overheard a cousin ask my mother where I got my big legs since they all had skinny legs. I have never forgotten it. I didn't like wearing shorts or skirts in high school because I thought I had fat legs. Then I gained weight, so much weight packed onto my body & my legs just expanded to the point of no return, I guess. I began retaining fluid in my legs, I've said it before but I had so much fluid in my legs that if I cut myself while shaving, clear liquid came out instead of blood - it would leak for hours, soaking the cuff of my sock.
Right at this moment, I'm 110lbs lighter than I was when my legs did that. I expected to lose weight & get my legs back to 'normal' or at least my normal. I thought I'd have ankles again...crazy me! Still no sign of ankles but I'm the cankle queen. I spent every summer from 2004-2012 wearing jeans all summer long because I couldn't bear the thought of people judging me - 'look at that fat girl with the fat legs', 'check out the cankles on her'- the judgment I assumed would be thrown my way. I couldn't do it, I couldn't risk it. I lived in fear of what people thought of me. Last summer was the first time I wore capris most of the summer, it was hard to do but I did it. I still worry about what people will think though, the judgment that I still assume is being thrown at me. Why do I even care? It's because a cousin once asked my mother where I got my big legs - obviously strangers are judging me if a family member took notice.
This summer I want to take Katie swimming. She at almost four years old, has NEVER been swimming & I feel like I'm seriously failing her because of it. I just don't know how I'm going to put my body in a bathing suit, even! I know I can wear shorts but even that is a huge step for a woman who two summers ago wore jeans most of the summer. In one moment I'll think, 'no big deal, just do it, who cares what anyone thinks', then reality kicks in & I start to realize that I care what people think. I need to stop doing that. No one else's opinion of me really matters, I know that on a cerebral level but emotion takes over & I get self conscious.
I have to get over this. I just have to, it's holding me back & there isn't anything I can do about it. I've lost weight, my legs only get a bit smaller when the weight comes off. My legs are just that, legs, they aren't my worth as a human. It's time I stop letting them define me, so that's what I'm going to do right now. My legs no longer define me. These are my legs, you may see them at a local beach this summer, I apologize if the whiteness of them blinds you, it's been a while since they've seen sunshine.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Tuesday Thoughts
It's amazing how you can think you've got a handle on something only to realize you are completely oblivious. I have absolutely no control over my weight right now. Instead of losing or maintaining, I'm gaining!! I just want to eat everything!! It's emotional eating, I know that, but that doesn't make it any easier to control.
I've been going to speak with a therapist for 4-5 months & it has been eye opening. I've told her things about myself that I've told no one else, things I don't even like to think about & she doesn't judge me. I'm discovering things about myself that I had absolutely no idea existed within me. The different things that my anxiety is a disguise for. It's amazing how a person's mind can play tricks.
I'm having a really hard time lately with feeling like my life is stagnant. I am a full-time Mom who feels like that's all she is. I don't feel like I have anything for me in life. I'm lonely. Very lonely. I am not the type of person who easily makes friends. Self-doubt stops me.
I have one person I'd actually be able to make plans with in the city & in a month she's moving. So, I need to figure out how to stop being so afraid of letting people in because I'm too social to be this antisocial.
I turned 35 yesterday. My life is not even slightly what I had imagined it would be at this age. I am having a harder time with it than I imagined I would. I'm a lot closer to 40 now. In five years anything can happen. 30-35 were proof of that. 30-35 were some of the best & but definitely held the worst days of my life. In the next five years, I hope to get control of my life & begin to really live again. Life has to get better because I won't allow it to get worse again & right now, stagnant isn't working either.
It's up to me to fix this, I just don't know how to trust people. There are things that I'm very open about but that's only one side of me. I don't know how to let new people really in. I miss having friends....
Friday, April 5, 2013
Bummer
Sometimes, I feel like the words are stuck inside of me trying to get
out but I can't figure out how to lay them in the right order. I feel
like a bricklayer, I know the usual pattern to get the job done, but
sometimes I can't do it. Sometimes, I have too many thoughts to be able
to lay them out coherently. I'm trying rather unsuccessfully to do that
now.
Panic has set in - 3 days until I start work. This means only 3 more days of mid-day snuggles & sticky kisses. Only 3 more days of hearing her giddy laughter over something silly Mickey did.
The whole thing is bittersweet.
I thrive on routine. I function best when I know what to expect, although I love to be challenged. Right now, I have no idea what to expect. It's freaking me out.
Why am I already expecting the worst? I expect it to be awful. I guess because I know the job & it is awful. I know some people who still work there that I think are mean just for the sake of being mean, and I don't really want to deal with them again.
Everything is changing & I'm just plain scared. I'm sad, too. I know that change can be a very good thing. Change can be a fantastic thing, I just don't know how this change possibly can be anything but awful with only one exception.
Katie started daycare this week. She's loves it & that makes me so happy! I'm not meant to be a SAHM, I realized that as the year & a bit that I've been home with her went on. She needs to have fun & be wild like the 2yr old she is. I'm kinda boring & cranky. She asks the kids at daycare to play with her now, instead of me & it's great! She has kids to play with now!! That makes it worthwhile.
I hate that this job is so very much everything I hate about jobs. It is minimum wage, it's a call center, it's a job I've had before & hated, it's a cess pool of negativity & I'm afraid to get sucked under. Although, I'm doing a pretty good job being super negative on my own right now..
I'd just like to crawl in a hole & stay there until a good job appears, money is flowing a bit more & all this anxiousness & irritability inside me is gone. Seems highly unlikely to happen, though....bummer.
Panic has set in - 3 days until I start work. This means only 3 more days of mid-day snuggles & sticky kisses. Only 3 more days of hearing her giddy laughter over something silly Mickey did.
The whole thing is bittersweet.
I thrive on routine. I function best when I know what to expect, although I love to be challenged. Right now, I have no idea what to expect. It's freaking me out.
Why am I already expecting the worst? I expect it to be awful. I guess because I know the job & it is awful. I know some people who still work there that I think are mean just for the sake of being mean, and I don't really want to deal with them again.
Everything is changing & I'm just plain scared. I'm sad, too. I know that change can be a very good thing. Change can be a fantastic thing, I just don't know how this change possibly can be anything but awful with only one exception.
Katie started daycare this week. She's loves it & that makes me so happy! I'm not meant to be a SAHM, I realized that as the year & a bit that I've been home with her went on. She needs to have fun & be wild like the 2yr old she is. I'm kinda boring & cranky. She asks the kids at daycare to play with her now, instead of me & it's great! She has kids to play with now!! That makes it worthwhile.
I hate that this job is so very much everything I hate about jobs. It is minimum wage, it's a call center, it's a job I've had before & hated, it's a cess pool of negativity & I'm afraid to get sucked under. Although, I'm doing a pretty good job being super negative on my own right now..
I'd just like to crawl in a hole & stay there until a good job appears, money is flowing a bit more & all this anxiousness & irritability inside me is gone. Seems highly unlikely to happen, though....bummer.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Well shit!
I start work in about 3 weeks. I am freaking the Feck out!
Does it matter that it's a call center? I don't know. It's not the job I want, I mean, I REALLY don't want it but I will go & do my best. I can't half-ass it. There's no point in that & I'm too old for shenanigans.
I need to find daycare still. I'm stalling. I stalled when I put her in daycare before & we ended up stuck. I just get so panicky at the idea of looking for full-time care for her. I don't like it at all. My girl & I, apart for 5 days a week. It goes against all my sensibilities. She is such an essential part of me. Tears are streaming down my face just from writing that.
Don't get me wrong, I'm eager for co-workers. Adult conversation! I need to brush up on un-poop related topics!
Depression dances around me...I am very aware of how I feel, though. I am not willing to sink again. I just wish I could get this over with so I know what I'm dealing with. What kind of people, schedule, energy....so many unknowns.
I'm nervous. Like a kid on their first day of school. What if the other kids don't like me? What if the the kids from my past make it uncomfortable to be there again.
So much self-doubt. It's foolish, I know I can do the job. I have before. I just doubt my ability to return to work.
When I really left the work force, I was a mess. How do I know that I won't fall apart again? I have to put so much trust in my own strength & ability. I'm scared of failing.
What if I can't do it? My family will worry about me....and I just realized that I'm living in the future....well shit....
Ok...deep breathes, some sleep *fingers crossed* & get on daycare tomorrow.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
New Experiences
It's been over a week that I've been very seriously looking for a job & so far...nothing...I've had a lead or two, sent off my resume to a few places, but I haven't heard back from anyone yet. I feel sad today. I just feel sad. Looking for work does that to me...it makes me feel less than...I don't know why I take it so personally, but I do.
I've been doing a fairly good job of staying positive but today I'm all off kilter. I feel antsy & out of sorts today, the way a teenager does before writing a final exam, thinking I'm doing my best but still so unsure. The outcome yet to be determined. I hate it. My mind is going a million miles a minute & it's paralyzing. What if...what if...what if...Anxiety Girl!!! Able to jump to the worst possible conclusion in a single bound!!!! DUN DUN DUNNNNN!!!!!
I've been thinking that I need to learn how to meditate. My mind would probably benefit from it a lot. I'm very hyper, y'know in case you hadn't noticed., and I'd like to relax my mind. I'm easily stressed out, I'm high strung, & loud....I'd like to find some peace in my own head. I'm not exactly sure where to begin though.
I know I need exercise too, but I'm finding it absolutely impossible to convince myself to exercise. I'm in a bit of a catch 22 - I haven't been doing it because I rarely feel well, but I rarely feel well because I don't do it. I'm not sure what it's going to take to get me started but I need to get there. I want to get there...I'm excited about getting healthy, I just wish all of my body would agree.
Something I'm only just realizing is that I'm not only needing to get back to work, I want to get back to work. I'm excited to make new friendships, to meet new people, to learn new things! I am SO excited to learn new things!! My mind is eager for more than ABC's, Twinkle Twinkle & 'Hola, soy Dora'! I'm abundantly grateful for the time I've had home & ideally I'd like to find a way for it to continue part-time but I'm just so eager to have some new experiences.
I'm opening myself up to you, Universe. I've made it clear what I want, I have faith that things will work out the way they should.
I've been doing a fairly good job of staying positive but today I'm all off kilter. I feel antsy & out of sorts today, the way a teenager does before writing a final exam, thinking I'm doing my best but still so unsure. The outcome yet to be determined. I hate it. My mind is going a million miles a minute & it's paralyzing. What if...what if...what if...Anxiety Girl!!! Able to jump to the worst possible conclusion in a single bound!!!! DUN DUN DUNNNNN!!!!!
I've been thinking that I need to learn how to meditate. My mind would probably benefit from it a lot. I'm very hyper, y'know in case you hadn't noticed., and I'd like to relax my mind. I'm easily stressed out, I'm high strung, & loud....I'd like to find some peace in my own head. I'm not exactly sure where to begin though.
I know I need exercise too, but I'm finding it absolutely impossible to convince myself to exercise. I'm in a bit of a catch 22 - I haven't been doing it because I rarely feel well, but I rarely feel well because I don't do it. I'm not sure what it's going to take to get me started but I need to get there. I want to get there...I'm excited about getting healthy, I just wish all of my body would agree.
Something I'm only just realizing is that I'm not only needing to get back to work, I want to get back to work. I'm excited to make new friendships, to meet new people, to learn new things! I am SO excited to learn new things!! My mind is eager for more than ABC's, Twinkle Twinkle & 'Hola, soy Dora'! I'm abundantly grateful for the time I've had home & ideally I'd like to find a way for it to continue part-time but I'm just so eager to have some new experiences.
I'm opening myself up to you, Universe. I've made it clear what I want, I have faith that things will work out the way they should.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Five days ago it all changed
Five days ago, the Western world changed forever. Five days ago, parents collectively hugged their children a little tighter. Five days ago, innocence was lost. Five days ago, America fell apart..
The loss of the lives of those 20 beautiful children crushed the hearts of parents near & far. I can't stop thinking about those babies. The oldest of them was 7, how is that possible? How did twenty children get massacred? How did this happen in a 'civilized' society? I don't understand it all.
In the days following, people have been giving their vastly differing points of view. Some of these people have been Pastors who use the pulpit to spread hate, some are psychotic jackasses like the Westboro Baptist Church, most, however, are Moms & Dads like you & I. We've heard it's lack of gun control, lack of help for mental health, lack of this or that. The fact is, it doesn't matter what it is, what matters is that they take action on all the small factors that add up to the 14th of December happening.
I've been enraged many times in the last five days over the suggestion that it's about putting 'God' back in school. This, to me, is complete foolishness. It's insulting. It's a lack of caring for other people. It is segregation of sorts. Sure, Christians believe in Jesus & God, and that is great for them but what about the mass amount of children in schools who don't believe in Jesus OR God?? The Hindu children, the Muslim children, the Jewish children, the Buddhist children, even *gasp* the Atheist/Agnostic children!
God has no place in schools, none, whatsoever. He should be in the hearts of the children who believe in Him. If they want to pray, I believe it is their right to do so, to try & force their beliefs on another child, though, is not right. North America is made of so many cultures & religions that no one religion should be forced upon anyone. It's like saying, sorry, we are now forcing you to eat pork in school. Some religions don't believe in eating pork, but hey, who cares what they believe, we want our bacon!!!
Anyone who believes that God being in schools could have stopped this horrific event, needs to give their head a shake, really hard...then possibly check yourself into the nearest psych ward. God had no way to stop this. Humans did this. We did this ourselves, to ourselves. Western society is to blame for this. The acceptance of violence, the allowing it to continue, that is what caused this.
The guns...oh..America, what is with your love affair with guns. Why does anyone need to have the 'right' to own a semi-automatic killing machine? If you want your shotguns, fill your boots! Chances are no one is getting very far in a mass shooting with a shotgun...chances are someone attempting to shoot up a school with a shotgun is going to get jumped...chances are America is not going to let go of the death grip on guns and that terrifies me.
I've thought of those 20 babies every single day, I can't stop thinking of them. They were massacred with a Bushmaster XM-15 .223-caliber semi-automatic assault-style rifle. What the hell!?! Isn't America supposed to be a civilized society? Why does that style of gun need to be owned for protection? Who is coming for anyone that would require a weapon of that stature to protect themselves or their families?! Last time I checked there wasn't any army of hate so fierce that any person would require a semi-automatic assault-style rifle for protection at home in the Western world, anyhow.
I am really angry at the people who believe in God & think he should be in schools because it's selfish. It is just the most selfish thing I have ever heard! Why is your God better than the God anyone else believes in? What makes your God the 'right' one?? Also, does your God not teach you that he is always with you? I believe he does, because I was brought up to believe in him. You don't need him in schools.
I know that religion is a very controversial subject, so I want to VERY clear. If you believe in Jesus, God, Allah, Buddha, the Universe, or if you don't believe in anything at all, I very, very much believe it is your right to do so, but please don't preach that your beliefs are better than that of anyone else. Please don't try & convince me that if the higher power you believe in was in schools, these horrific acts wouldn't happen. I think we can pretty much guarantee that on December 14th, Adam Lanza was not thinking about what God would think, I don't think if he believed in God that it would have mattered, because what he did that day, he did with malice. I don't think being taught about God in school would have made him stop & say 'hmmm, maybe I shouldn't massacre 20 innocent children & 6 adults...yeah, that would make God mad'. You don't need God to know right from wrong.
Morals & ethics are what children need to be taught. They need to be taught the regular subjects, but they need to be taught compassion, the value of another human being, that the real world isn't what you see on tv. They need real life lessons, let their parents & their religious leaders teach them about God. School isn't supposed to make children feel secluded, putting God in school would do just that.
As for Sandy Hook Elementary, please take the time to remember the name of just one child. They deserve that. We all know Adam Lanza's name, it will be imprinted in our minds, maybe associating him with the death of a person with a name will have more effect to get things done. I am remembering Catherine V. Hubbard, 6. I have had her name in my heart since I first saw a list of names, then when I saw a group of pictures I said, I bet she's that beautiful red head. I was just going to let that be her in my heart, until now, I googled her name (so I was sure to be giving her correct age) & I am rather unnerved that she in fact is the beautiful red head. I am shaken to the core. Beautiful, Catherine, I hope justice is served in your name & the name of every other victim of this horrific event.
I don't feel like there is anything I can do to help, since I'm a) Canadian b)just a Stay-at-home-Mom & c)know nothing about what I could do to begin to help...so instead I will sit here ranting on the internet to whoever cares to read it. I hope that justice is carried out in whatever way possible. I hope these victims will be the last we hear of who have their lives taken in such a manner. I hope....
The loss of the lives of those 20 beautiful children crushed the hearts of parents near & far. I can't stop thinking about those babies. The oldest of them was 7, how is that possible? How did twenty children get massacred? How did this happen in a 'civilized' society? I don't understand it all.
In the days following, people have been giving their vastly differing points of view. Some of these people have been Pastors who use the pulpit to spread hate, some are psychotic jackasses like the Westboro Baptist Church, most, however, are Moms & Dads like you & I. We've heard it's lack of gun control, lack of help for mental health, lack of this or that. The fact is, it doesn't matter what it is, what matters is that they take action on all the small factors that add up to the 14th of December happening.
I've been enraged many times in the last five days over the suggestion that it's about putting 'God' back in school. This, to me, is complete foolishness. It's insulting. It's a lack of caring for other people. It is segregation of sorts. Sure, Christians believe in Jesus & God, and that is great for them but what about the mass amount of children in schools who don't believe in Jesus OR God?? The Hindu children, the Muslim children, the Jewish children, the Buddhist children, even *gasp* the Atheist/Agnostic children!
God has no place in schools, none, whatsoever. He should be in the hearts of the children who believe in Him. If they want to pray, I believe it is their right to do so, to try & force their beliefs on another child, though, is not right. North America is made of so many cultures & religions that no one religion should be forced upon anyone. It's like saying, sorry, we are now forcing you to eat pork in school. Some religions don't believe in eating pork, but hey, who cares what they believe, we want our bacon!!!
Anyone who believes that God being in schools could have stopped this horrific event, needs to give their head a shake, really hard...then possibly check yourself into the nearest psych ward. God had no way to stop this. Humans did this. We did this ourselves, to ourselves. Western society is to blame for this. The acceptance of violence, the allowing it to continue, that is what caused this.
The guns...oh..America, what is with your love affair with guns. Why does anyone need to have the 'right' to own a semi-automatic killing machine? If you want your shotguns, fill your boots! Chances are no one is getting very far in a mass shooting with a shotgun...chances are someone attempting to shoot up a school with a shotgun is going to get jumped...chances are America is not going to let go of the death grip on guns and that terrifies me.
I've thought of those 20 babies every single day, I can't stop thinking of them. They were massacred with a Bushmaster XM-15 .223-caliber semi-automatic assault-style rifle. What the hell!?! Isn't America supposed to be a civilized society? Why does that style of gun need to be owned for protection? Who is coming for anyone that would require a weapon of that stature to protect themselves or their families?! Last time I checked there wasn't any army of hate so fierce that any person would require a semi-automatic assault-style rifle for protection at home in the Western world, anyhow.
I am really angry at the people who believe in God & think he should be in schools because it's selfish. It is just the most selfish thing I have ever heard! Why is your God better than the God anyone else believes in? What makes your God the 'right' one?? Also, does your God not teach you that he is always with you? I believe he does, because I was brought up to believe in him. You don't need him in schools.
I know that religion is a very controversial subject, so I want to VERY clear. If you believe in Jesus, God, Allah, Buddha, the Universe, or if you don't believe in anything at all, I very, very much believe it is your right to do so, but please don't preach that your beliefs are better than that of anyone else. Please don't try & convince me that if the higher power you believe in was in schools, these horrific acts wouldn't happen. I think we can pretty much guarantee that on December 14th, Adam Lanza was not thinking about what God would think, I don't think if he believed in God that it would have mattered, because what he did that day, he did with malice. I don't think being taught about God in school would have made him stop & say 'hmmm, maybe I shouldn't massacre 20 innocent children & 6 adults...yeah, that would make God mad'. You don't need God to know right from wrong.
Morals & ethics are what children need to be taught. They need to be taught the regular subjects, but they need to be taught compassion, the value of another human being, that the real world isn't what you see on tv. They need real life lessons, let their parents & their religious leaders teach them about God. School isn't supposed to make children feel secluded, putting God in school would do just that.
As for Sandy Hook Elementary, please take the time to remember the name of just one child. They deserve that. We all know Adam Lanza's name, it will be imprinted in our minds, maybe associating him with the death of a person with a name will have more effect to get things done. I am remembering Catherine V. Hubbard, 6. I have had her name in my heart since I first saw a list of names, then when I saw a group of pictures I said, I bet she's that beautiful red head. I was just going to let that be her in my heart, until now, I googled her name (so I was sure to be giving her correct age) & I am rather unnerved that she in fact is the beautiful red head. I am shaken to the core. Beautiful, Catherine, I hope justice is served in your name & the name of every other victim of this horrific event.
I don't feel like there is anything I can do to help, since I'm a) Canadian b)just a Stay-at-home-Mom & c)know nothing about what I could do to begin to help...so instead I will sit here ranting on the internet to whoever cares to read it. I hope that justice is carried out in whatever way possible. I hope these victims will be the last we hear of who have their lives taken in such a manner. I hope....
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Stay-at-Home-Mom, I guess?
I love being a mom. This is an indisputable fact, anyone who knows me or simply sees me with Katie would know this, however being a stay-at-home Mom(SAHM) has been a challenge. I have without a doubt very often taken for granted the ability to stay home with our sweet girl.
I have had many days in the last month & a bit where I crave being among co-workers, laughing & talking about something other than Mickey Mouse, peanut butter sandwiches & poop. I long to be in the company of adults, having adult conversation but being at home, with 3 feet of attitude & a side of goofiness, isn't so darn bad.
When I was nearing the end of my maternity leave, I spent nights crying about the return to work. How could I possibly let anyone else look after my sweet child. How could I give up those hugs & kisses. I was almost inconsolable over the idea of going back to my job I loathed, to work 4 weeks & really only bring home pay for 2 because of the cost of daycare. I hated it all. I was so depressed.
Fast forward just under 2 years, I'm no longer depressed. I no longer have a job I loathe, I'm doing what I longed to do. I guess it's just not exactly what I expected. I'm not exactly what I expected. I had grandiose visions of being some Pinterest crazy mom, who actually does that stuff. I thought I would bake with Katie, do fun crafts. I don't really do any of those things. We read, sing, play & learn together. The TV is always on, it's not always watched but it is always on. I know it takes away from my candidacy for Mom-of-the-Year, but it's the truth. I can say with confidence that Dora has taught Katie things I would never have thought to teach her. Hello, counting to 5 in Spanish!?! I assure you, I had nothing to do with that! Yay, Dora!
In the last week I've been noticing all of the Mom's on my Facebook & Twitter. I think of them going to their day jobs, rushing around in the morning to get their kid(s) awake, fed, clean, out the door, possible daycare drop offs, then to work, spending the day doing what all moms do, multi-tasking, your brain never allowed to focus too long on anything without thinking about how your kid(s) are doing, then you have to make sure once again they're fed & clean, possible activities, maybe homework, and then hopefully bed. I hated that! I hate the idea of it. It makes me antsy. I want to be home with Katie as much as I can, I think it's good for her & I know it's good for me. I will though, make an effort to find a part-time job soon &send her to daycare a day or two a week. That will be great for both of us. I look forward to it.
I feel very grateful that I have been able to stay home when I physically & mentally needed it most. I believe firmly that the Universe knows what it's doing. I'll figure this career thing out eventually, until then I'm a stay-at-home-mom & proud of it!
I have had many days in the last month & a bit where I crave being among co-workers, laughing & talking about something other than Mickey Mouse, peanut butter sandwiches & poop. I long to be in the company of adults, having adult conversation but being at home, with 3 feet of attitude & a side of goofiness, isn't so darn bad.
When I was nearing the end of my maternity leave, I spent nights crying about the return to work. How could I possibly let anyone else look after my sweet child. How could I give up those hugs & kisses. I was almost inconsolable over the idea of going back to my job I loathed, to work 4 weeks & really only bring home pay for 2 because of the cost of daycare. I hated it all. I was so depressed.
Fast forward just under 2 years, I'm no longer depressed. I no longer have a job I loathe, I'm doing what I longed to do. I guess it's just not exactly what I expected. I'm not exactly what I expected. I had grandiose visions of being some Pinterest crazy mom, who actually does that stuff. I thought I would bake with Katie, do fun crafts. I don't really do any of those things. We read, sing, play & learn together. The TV is always on, it's not always watched but it is always on. I know it takes away from my candidacy for Mom-of-the-Year, but it's the truth. I can say with confidence that Dora has taught Katie things I would never have thought to teach her. Hello, counting to 5 in Spanish!?! I assure you, I had nothing to do with that! Yay, Dora!
In the last week I've been noticing all of the Mom's on my Facebook & Twitter. I think of them going to their day jobs, rushing around in the morning to get their kid(s) awake, fed, clean, out the door, possible daycare drop offs, then to work, spending the day doing what all moms do, multi-tasking, your brain never allowed to focus too long on anything without thinking about how your kid(s) are doing, then you have to make sure once again they're fed & clean, possible activities, maybe homework, and then hopefully bed. I hated that! I hate the idea of it. It makes me antsy. I want to be home with Katie as much as I can, I think it's good for her & I know it's good for me. I will though, make an effort to find a part-time job soon &send her to daycare a day or two a week. That will be great for both of us. I look forward to it.
I feel very grateful that I have been able to stay home when I physically & mentally needed it most. I believe firmly that the Universe knows what it's doing. I'll figure this career thing out eventually, until then I'm a stay-at-home-mom & proud of it!
Monday, June 11, 2012
Katie Lou turns 2
Sitting quietly in my daughter's room as she starts to drift off into nap land, I watch her precious little face. This little girl, this ball of energy, this mile a minute talker is almost 2.
Two years ago, I was one day from my due date & wondered if my Katie would ever arrive. Now, I can't believe everything we've been through together.
I am truly amazed by her. Amazed. she has just begun singing, and boy, does she ever love it. Just random sounds & sometimes a twinkle or star gets thrown in.
She loves to run. Her arms & legs flapping about, as if they are not even aware of how quickly she is moving.
She loves rocks, trains, & butterflies. Her 'friends' are Elmo, Mickey mouse, pooh bear & Tinkerbell.
She loves playing outside. Going to Grammy & Poppy's house. Snuggles, her two fingers to suck on & her bunny.
She is the reason I want to be better. She's the reason I decided to live life fully as myself, unafraid of what others think. I don't want her to grow up afraid of the world, the way I am. I want her to truly believe that she can do or be anything, because I truly believe in that.
I had no idea the ride I was in for 2 years ago. I waited 5 days longer than I expected to have to wait for this little beauty. Seeing as she arrived on her own schedule, I shouldn't be so surprised that she's so determined.
I have a feeling that the last two years have been good building blocks for our future. We butt heads, figuratively & literally, we hug, we cry, we get angry, we say sorry,we do it all together.
On June 17th, I'll not only be celebrating Katie's 2nd birthday, but also the day I started my journey to being a better person.
Katherine Louise Grattan, sweet Katie Lou, I love you & I'm so incredibly proud to be your Mama.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Home
I haven't been feeling so hot the last two weeks. My back was really bad for a little over a week, the move was stressful, I've been taking my pills at different times every day, I'm beyond exhausted all of the time. Tomorrow I'm going to call the day clinic to get an appointment to get a refill on my pills & hopefully get some blood work done. I think my B12 is probably just low, but we'll see, could just be all the stress of the last month finally catching up with me.
I like being home. It feels right. Although, I do forget almost on a daily basis that we aren't in Moncton anymore. It's weird. I forget that we can't just run to Champlain Place on a whim because we're bored or that Second Cup is no longer an option for yummy lattes. Those are the things I miss the most so far. I made very few real friends in Moncton, I made a lot of acquaintances, and met a lot of great people. Very few real friends though. So, I'm hoping Miramichi will be a way for me to get back to being the girl with friends who loves to have fun & do stuff. Except now, I'm also a mother & wife. I'm fairly certain that I'm a much improved version of the Paula who left Miramichi 8 years ago.
I feel more confident in who I am. I have learned a lot about myself in the last 8 years. The person I let myself become, the faults I had, the mistakes I made, some bigger than others, but each a lesson. I, also,have learned how damn strong I am. I have learned to be a great mother. I have learned to be a better wife. I have learned to be a better & more free me.
I am perfectly fine with the person that I am. I know the person I can become though, and that is who I am striving to become.
I am more shocked than I care to admit to make the next statement, but I truly believe Miramichi holds our chance at a great life.
Life is good. I'm grateful. I'm so so lucky. Life is good.
I like being home. It feels right. Although, I do forget almost on a daily basis that we aren't in Moncton anymore. It's weird. I forget that we can't just run to Champlain Place on a whim because we're bored or that Second Cup is no longer an option for yummy lattes. Those are the things I miss the most so far. I made very few real friends in Moncton, I made a lot of acquaintances, and met a lot of great people. Very few real friends though. So, I'm hoping Miramichi will be a way for me to get back to being the girl with friends who loves to have fun & do stuff. Except now, I'm also a mother & wife. I'm fairly certain that I'm a much improved version of the Paula who left Miramichi 8 years ago.
I feel more confident in who I am. I have learned a lot about myself in the last 8 years. The person I let myself become, the faults I had, the mistakes I made, some bigger than others, but each a lesson. I, also,have learned how damn strong I am. I have learned to be a great mother. I have learned to be a better wife. I have learned to be a better & more free me.
I am perfectly fine with the person that I am. I know the person I can become though, and that is who I am striving to become.
I am more shocked than I care to admit to make the next statement, but I truly believe Miramichi holds our chance at a great life.
Life is good. I'm grateful. I'm so so lucky. Life is good.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Random happiness
I have a million and one thoughts running through my mind. I am abundantly happy, I am terrified, I am excited, I am sad, I am grateful. I am so very, very grateful.
I am actually writing without editing today. I'm just writing the words that come into my head without stopping to over think it all. Except just now, I stopped to scratch my elbow, but that doesn't count. Ok, back to me writing without thinking.
In, like, no time at all, we are moving to Miramichi. MIRAMICHI!!! What in the name of Tallulah is going on in the Universe that actually is bringing me back to Miramichi?! I never even thought until a year ago that it was remotely possible. It is, however, very possible, and it is happening!
Jeff got a job at the payroll center that is bringing us home. Home. I'm not sure why, but for many years I was defiant that Miramichi was really home anymore. We've been in Moncton for 8 years, after about 3, I considered it home. I knew we would start a family here, assumed we would raise said family here, but we'd visit Miramichi. That was what we wanted. Then for some reason it changed.
A little over a year ago, my Mom started telling me about how to apply for the payroll jobs. As I used to often do, I gave her a 'yeah, ok, we'll do it' and of course, we wouldn't. She was on me for weeks before we applied. I'm so grateful for her persistence.
That night, after we applied, I told Jeff that one of us was going to get on for certain & the other would stay home with Katie. For over a year, with every email he received telling him about the next step in the process, I knew that we were moving home. I knew it more than I have ever known anything. I didn't waiver for a moment. When talking to my Mom, I'd say don't worry, we'll be living home then. I'm sure everyone was terrified of what would happen to my mental state if he hadn't gotten the job, but I wasn't worried because I KNEW he was going to get it.
I used 'The Secret' and the absolute amazing power of positive thought. Jeff & I both spent time individually & unknowingly to the other on Monday focusing on feeling like we live in Miramichi. If you feel it, if you're grateful to the Universe, if you envision it, you can make anything happen. The Universe will present the opportunities to you, you just have to be alert enough to make them work for you.
I probably sound like a crazy person right now, but I don't even care. I know that positive thought works, it brought 2 huge changes to our lives. Katie & this job/move.
I can't believe this is really happening. I mean, I knew it would, but now it's real. I am so overwhelmed. I miss my family so much. I realized about 4 months ago how much I really wanted to move back to Miramichi. I realized that I needed my family. I'm not as independent as I've pretended to be for the last 7 years. I need my family.
Now that Katie is a bit older, I want my parents to be involved in her life. I want her to be able to go to the store with Grampy. I want her to be able to bake cookies with Grammy. I want those things for myself too, I miss spending time with my parents. I miss my aunts & cousins. I miss family.
I'm so excited! I feel like a big change like this could be exactly what we needed to shake things up.
It's time for me to stop writing & go clean something. So little time & such an insane amount to do!! It's going to be so worth it!!
I am actually writing without editing today. I'm just writing the words that come into my head without stopping to over think it all. Except just now, I stopped to scratch my elbow, but that doesn't count. Ok, back to me writing without thinking.
In, like, no time at all, we are moving to Miramichi. MIRAMICHI!!! What in the name of Tallulah is going on in the Universe that actually is bringing me back to Miramichi?! I never even thought until a year ago that it was remotely possible. It is, however, very possible, and it is happening!
Jeff got a job at the payroll center that is bringing us home. Home. I'm not sure why, but for many years I was defiant that Miramichi was really home anymore. We've been in Moncton for 8 years, after about 3, I considered it home. I knew we would start a family here, assumed we would raise said family here, but we'd visit Miramichi. That was what we wanted. Then for some reason it changed.
A little over a year ago, my Mom started telling me about how to apply for the payroll jobs. As I used to often do, I gave her a 'yeah, ok, we'll do it' and of course, we wouldn't. She was on me for weeks before we applied. I'm so grateful for her persistence.
That night, after we applied, I told Jeff that one of us was going to get on for certain & the other would stay home with Katie. For over a year, with every email he received telling him about the next step in the process, I knew that we were moving home. I knew it more than I have ever known anything. I didn't waiver for a moment. When talking to my Mom, I'd say don't worry, we'll be living home then. I'm sure everyone was terrified of what would happen to my mental state if he hadn't gotten the job, but I wasn't worried because I KNEW he was going to get it.
I used 'The Secret' and the absolute amazing power of positive thought. Jeff & I both spent time individually & unknowingly to the other on Monday focusing on feeling like we live in Miramichi. If you feel it, if you're grateful to the Universe, if you envision it, you can make anything happen. The Universe will present the opportunities to you, you just have to be alert enough to make them work for you.
I probably sound like a crazy person right now, but I don't even care. I know that positive thought works, it brought 2 huge changes to our lives. Katie & this job/move.
I can't believe this is really happening. I mean, I knew it would, but now it's real. I am so overwhelmed. I miss my family so much. I realized about 4 months ago how much I really wanted to move back to Miramichi. I realized that I needed my family. I'm not as independent as I've pretended to be for the last 7 years. I need my family.
Now that Katie is a bit older, I want my parents to be involved in her life. I want her to be able to go to the store with Grampy. I want her to be able to bake cookies with Grammy. I want those things for myself too, I miss spending time with my parents. I miss my aunts & cousins. I miss family.
I'm so excited! I feel like a big change like this could be exactly what we needed to shake things up.
It's time for me to stop writing & go clean something. So little time & such an insane amount to do!! It's going to be so worth it!!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Out of Control
I feel like things are out of my control. I don't want to go back to work. Plain & simple. I don't mind working Saturdays, because Katie is home with her Daddy. I do not want to pay someone else to spend their day with my child. PAY SOMEONE?! What? I understand that it's a profession, but the idea of needing to pay someone to spend their day with my wonderful girl, just seems asinine. I want to stay home & spend my days with her. I want to teach her things, and be the one she looks at with excitement when she has learned something new. I want to be the one she gives middle of the day hugs to. The one she snuggles with after her morning nap. How will I be able to go to work every single day, and deal with the ache in my heart from not being with her?
I know mothers go back to work every day. They leave their babies with competent people who care for & love their children, but I just don't know how I'm going to do it. It's swallowing me up. I feel panic set in as I even think about looking for a daycare. There's not going to be anyone good enough, that's just the bottom line. I am her Mama, she needs me & frankly, I need her.
Also, I just feel like my life is out of my control. Financially, we're just barely keeping our head above water, thanks to my amazing hubby being grossly underpaid at the job he held for 5 years, and my being on Maternity Leave since last May. It's overwhelming. I feel like some days it's swallowing me up. I get lost in the frustration & hopelessness. On my stronger days I feel like good things are just around the corner for us. I hope I'm right.
Then there's my weight. I am utterly disgusted with myself. I know that this is something within my control. I get that. I get that I am responsible for this body. I get that I have eaten my way to this. I have complete grasp of that. What I'm having a really hard time with, is the why. I don't understand why I can't get control of it. Why do I chose the chocolate bar over an apple? I know the pros & cons of both, why as an intelligent adult do I continue to make the wrong choice?
Food has been my 'friend' when I had no one else. It has been there through every up & down of my life. Every lonely depressed day I spent as a kid pretending that I wasn't picked on in school, another cookie...sure...why not? Every fight with my Mom, I wanted to eat because I just felt like I was never going to be enough anyhow. I guess I still feel that way.
I seclude myself and eat, because what if people don't like me? I talk a lot, I can be loud, I'm fat, why would anyone ever like me? I guess in my head, I'll always be the fat kid who got picked on in math class. So, for me, it's just easier to stay home & eat...I don't know how to change that.
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