Tuesday Thoughts

It's amazing how you can think you've got a handle on something only to realize you are completely oblivious. I have absolutely no control over my weight right now. Instead of losing or maintaining, I'm gaining!!  I just want to eat everything!! It's emotional eating, I know that, but that doesn't make it any easier to control.

I've been going to speak with a therapist for 4-5 months & it has been eye opening. I've told her things about myself that I've told no one else, things I don't even like to think about & she doesn't judge me. I'm discovering things about myself that I had absolutely no idea existed within me. The different things that my anxiety is a disguise for. It's amazing how a person's mind can play tricks.

I'm having a really hard time lately with feeling like my life is stagnant. I am a full-time Mom who feels like that's all she is. I don't feel like I have anything for me in life. I'm lonely. Very lonely. I am not the type of person who easily makes friends. Self-doubt stops me.

I have one person I'd actually be able to make plans with in the city & in a month she's moving. So, I need to figure out how to stop being so afraid of letting people in because I'm too social to be this antisocial.

I turned 35 yesterday. My life is not even slightly what I had imagined it would be at this age. I am having a harder time with it than I imagined I would. I'm a lot closer to 40 now. In five years anything can happen. 30-35 were proof of that. 30-35 were some of the best & but definitely held the worst days of my life. In the next five years, I hope to get control of my life & begin to really live again. Life has to get better because I won't allow it to get worse again & right now, stagnant isn't working either. 

It's up to me to fix this, I just don't know how to trust people. There are things that I'm very open about but that's only one side of me. I don't know how to let new people really in. I miss having friends....