Hurting heart.

My head is all over the place these days. I'm 28.5 weeks pregnant, my aunt's cancer is progressing & my brother hasn't really spoken to me since April, when we spoke for a few days but it had been 2 months of not speaking prior to that.

My heart hurts. A lot.

I don't know how to reconcile losing my aunt, the day is coming, it could still be many weeks away but it has never felt so imminent & real.

I love her so much & I don't want her to suffer, but I'm angry that we are going to be without her in our lives.

I want my brother to be here for me now, I want to go through this together. He is the only other person who loves our Aunt like I do. I want to have him hug me while letting me cry & snot all over his shirt. I need him but he isn't a part of my life now. He made that choice, I didn't. He has shut me out. I don't know what I've done to make him think I deserve this but it hurts & I'm so incredibly tired of it hurting.

I feel like protecting my sanity & telling him how I feel about the decisions he's made have caused him to shut me out. If that's how it has to be then I can't do anything about that. I can't change how I feel & I refuse to let anyone else's life decisions affect my life that much ever again. I did that for too many years.

Anyone who knows me well, knows how much love I have for my brother & have always had. We were as close as two siblings could be, that makes this wedge between us so much harder for me to handle.

I just keep thinking how does he not care enough about me to call or text me. How can he be ok with us not being in contact with each other? How is it even possible? I've made a few attempts by texting him but he hasn't replied. I don't understand it at all. I can't understand it because I'd never shut him out, no matter what.

My heart hurts so much but I can't fix any of this.