Hurting heart.

My head is all over the place these days. I'm 28.5 weeks pregnant, my aunt's cancer is progressing & my brother hasn't really spoken to me since April, when we spoke for a few days but it had been 2 months of not speaking prior to that.

My heart hurts. A lot.

I don't know how to reconcile losing my aunt, the day is coming, it could still be many weeks away but it has never felt so imminent & real.

I love her so much & I don't want her to suffer, but I'm angry that we are going to be without her in our lives.

I want my brother to be here for me now, I want to go through this together. He is the only other person who loves our Aunt like I do. I want to have him hug me while letting me cry & snot all over his shirt. I need him but he isn't a part of my life now. He made that choice, I didn't. He has shut me out. I don't know what I've done to make him think I deserve this but it hurts & I'm so incredibly tired of it hurting.

I feel like protecting my sanity & telling him how I feel about the decisions he's made have caused him to shut me out. If that's how it has to be then I can't do anything about that. I can't change how I feel & I refuse to let anyone else's life decisions affect my life that much ever again. I did that for too many years.

Anyone who knows me well, knows how much love I have for my brother & have always had. We were as close as two siblings could be, that makes this wedge between us so much harder for me to handle.

I just keep thinking how does he not care enough about me to call or text me. How can he be ok with us not being in contact with each other? How is it even possible? I've made a few attempts by texting him but he hasn't replied. I don't understand it at all. I can't understand it because I'd never shut him out, no matter what.

My heart hurts so much but I can't fix any of this.

He's a Daddy!!

There are times in your life when you experience pure joy for someone else. Today is one of those days for me. Today, my big brother, Scott became a Daddy. The happiness I feel for him is not able to be properly summed up in words. I feel deep down joy for him. I'm so grateful to the Universe, God, whomever brought this baby boy to him & his wife. Thank you.

For those of you unaware, the Coles notes version of my relationship with my brother is that he is 10.5yrs older than me, he was very much my protector growing up, we've very much become each other's protectors, he is my friend & I love him so damn much. So, today I am over-the-moon with happiness!

Truthfully, I didn't think I'd ever see this day. As he is well aware, my brother is not a spring chicken full of youth but he is full of love. I am eager to watch him experience all those silly happy firsts that come with having a baby. I can't wait for phone calls to tell me what the baby has learned now. I can't wait to watch Scott learn all the little quirks that only his son has. The challenges, the laughs, the happiness & the love that come from caring for a child are all so worth experiencing & I love that he will get to really experience them now, as a father not just as an older brother watching his naive younger sister grow up.

I cannot wait to lay my eyes on the little man. I cannot wait to hold him & tell him how much his Aunt Paula loves him. I will also tell him at some point that in about 15 yrs if he's been out having too much fun & afraid to call his Mom & Dad, to give his Uncle Jeff & I a call...lol..I know his Dad can be a hard ass...he is still my big brother after all...

Baby Boy, you have just joined the world but you are so very loved. Your Mommy & Daddy have been waiting for you, and so have the rest of us. Can't wait to meet you!