A Year Without Her

A year.  October 3, 2015.

How can it be a year already? How has it been over a year since I've hugged her or told her I love her?

I miss her laugh. I miss her voice. I miss her tight hugs & kisses on my cheek.

I wonder some days if it'll ever get easier or if I'll be able to think about her without my heart breaking.

I've had my hands full this past year so I haven't had time to dwell in my sadness & grief but there are times when it stops me in my tracks. I hope some day that goes away & I just remember happier days with her.

I wish that when I think of her that I could see her as she was before cancer, before tubes & oxygen but that's what is in the fore front of my mind & I hate that. I want to remember her happy & healthy, full of spunkiness, love & laughter. That's who she really was.

I know she's with me when I need her, I've felt her with me. I hope every day that my boy has some of her qualities - that somehow there's truth to someone has to leave this world to make room for new life. That maybe just maybe the new life inherits some of the goodness from the person who left.  It sounds crazy, I know, but it gives me something to hold on to. I need that right now.

I look forward to the day when an unexpected picture of her or mention of her name doesn't put a lump in my throat.  For now though, I let the tears flow when they need to because she was too important not to just let myself feel that emptiness when it hits me.

I, also, look forward to the day when I have some closure.  It all happened so quickly at the end, I was too pregnant to anyone to think it was safe for me to be there. Then I had a baby & couldn't be at the funeral, that still just hurts my heart.  It makes it hard to feel real. I had no formal goodbye. Hopefully one day I can reconcile that with myself.

A month of missing you

A month... 30ish days.

I've thought about her a lot & also, not at all. Those are my two gears for grieving while being a mom to a newborn.

I allow my grief to consume me for a very short spurt, then I shut it off. It's the only way I know how to deal with it. I don't have the time to be as sad as I really want to allow myself to be. I don't have time for grief - I have a 4 week old son & a 5.5 yr old spitfire little girl to look after.

Sometimes she comes into my thoughts & I can't imagine that this is anything more than a bad dream. It doesn't feel real to me. I have no closure.

No one knows how hard it was for me to be in the hospital with my brand new baby while my family was saying their final goodbyes to her. I wanted to be there to say goodbye, to tell her I love her, to tell anyone who was there how special she was.

It just doesn't feel real to me because I was so removed from everything while experiencing such joy from Jamie's birth. It was the hardest most bittersweet week, I wanted so badly to be in two places at once.

How can it be a month already? It feels like it was just yesterday that I opened my door, saw Scott there...and knew.  Wasn't it just yesterday?

I think about her laugh a lot. I don't ever want to forget it. It was one of a kind, like her.

I look forward to the day when it hurts a bit less but until then, I'll use my two gears. Time to turn it off for now but I love you, Aunt Donna.

Catch me.

This carousel spins round 'n round
My head spins too

The horses go up & down
Like the ebb & flow of my emotions

Hanging on tightly to the reins
For fear of falling

If I fall...
I just can't

Hanging on tighter still
Refusing to fall

How long does this carousel spin
Because I'm done with this fear

I loosen my grip
Knowing if I fall, he's there to catch me.

And that makes all the difference.

Wrecking ball to the soul.

Sometimes in life you have to learn to roll with the punches, even when the punches feel like a wrecking ball to your soul.

My Dad's sister has terminal cancer. We've all known since October when she was told she only had three months, thankfully she's already been with us twice as long as expected but the cancer has spread.

Although, I'm not her child she has always made me feel like I could be. She has always made me feel more than just loved, she has made me feel wanted, appreciated & seen.

I'm having an extremely hard time dealing with the inevitable. I don't know how to let her go & I just plainly don't want to.

Jeff & I went to visit her tonight, it was long overdue. We talked for a long time about so many different things - some happy, some sad, some real truths that I was unaware of.

Since finding out that she is terminal, I've learned more about her than I had ever imagined. I'm grateful for the chance to have these moments with her but I always imagined her being old & telling me these things, not now before she's even 70.

Knowing someone you love like a second mother is dying is hard to process. I can't begin to imagine the pain my cousins feel knowing that this rotten disease is going to take their mom from them.

She's my Dad's baby sister, she's my Mom's best friend, she is like a sister to all of my mother's sisters & she's the world to my Uncle. She is loved beyond measure.

I don't know how to deal with the aching I feel daily in my heart knowing that not only I but so many people I love are going to lose her & the heartache is going to be unbearable. It honestly already is & she's still with us.

Tonight, when we visited I asked her how she's dealing with it all & then I cried while telling her how very much I love her. She kept telling me how much she loves me & I assured her that I've always known without a doubt how much love she has for me. That's partly why this is so hard. She is epitome of love. That's irreplaceable.

I plan to visit her as often as possible, to surround her with love as much as I can. After all she has given me in life, she deserves to always know & feel how much I appreciate her & will always love her.

Family can be hard to deal with, family can hurt you worse than anyone else but if there is love, that needs to be the focus. Love your family, hug them, appreciate them, tell them how you feel. Nothing is guaranteed so forgive their shortcomings & above all else - hold on to love.

Last-ditch effort

You come to a point in your life when you realize you are only in control of your actions & not the action or reaction of anyone else.

I've done all I can at this point to fix a situation that breaks my heart.

I'm a forgiver, that is my nature. Chances are you will have to do me wrong many times before I write you off completely, then maybe a time or two after that. I don't forget, however. I'm not sure the person on the other end of this situation realizes that. I've forgiven a lot of wrongs. I've given a lot of myself, my time, my love, my compassion, I've been broken-hearted for this person more times than I can count.

I'm always there.

Except this time. I wasn't able to be there. I wasn't able to do what was asked of me. I had said I would when put on the spot, then backed out when I realized I couldn't do it without causing myself more stress than I could handle.

What this person probably doesn't realize & possibly doesn't care about, but depression & anxiety have been major factors in my life the last two months. I couldn't do what was asked of me because of it.

Anxiety is my arch-nemesis. It is with me during every breathe, whisper & thought. It is slowly ramping back up, but I'm fighting it this time. I feel anxious & still do a lot of things because I have to but the extras don't happen much because I'm too anxious.

I feel as if my life will forever be altered because of it but I start counseling in two weeks. There is hope.

I will never forget this period of time. I've pushed people away by being unable to be social, unable to function like a 'normal' person. I love the idea of going out with my bff for a drink, a coffee or even just a drive but how many times have I cancelled because of anxiety? More than I can count - that's how many.

Now, it has caused me to make a decision for myself that hurt someone I love a lot.

Someone who is very different from me & who sees & feels things in a different way than I do. I'm trying to process that. I'm trying to allow myself to understand how anyone could be this upset for as long as it has been. Knowing the fragility of life & how easily people can be taken from you. I just can't understand that part....but that's maybe because I forgive too easily. I'm softer. My heart feels things differently. My heart is completely broken. I'm sorry for the hurt I've caused but I'm not sorry for doing what I needed to for me. I can't be sorry for that.

I'm not looking for sympathy but just a bit of understanding....

My Mom

She was the first storyteller I ever knew. She was the first person to tell me I could be & do anything. She taught me how to sing songs & love books. Later, she scolded me for not applying myself, for making poor decisions when it came to some friends. She taught me the rush of a great bargain, she taught me that caring about others matters & that women can be strong.

She has had a rollercoaster of a year & a bit.

She is the unwavering proof that mothering doesn't stop when they leave the nest.

She makes me want to scream & pull my hair out. She, also, makes me want to hug & protect her.

She is my rock when everything else is crumbling. She may not say what I want to hear, but she's always honest. There's no sugar coating to make me feel better. There's truth, an ear to rant or cry to & she's always there.

She gives until she has nothing left to give. She worries. Oh my, does she worry, but she is usually bang on. Despite all my attempts to hippie dippy things up with my positive thoughts, she's usually right.

I love her for who she is, as she is. Qualities & flaws, both of which I have many.

She brought me into this world...and from what I was always told....she can take me out...

Mom, I love you.

You are stronger in my eyes than you'll ever see yourself. You are the center of our family & I'm so glad that you're my Mom.

Happy Mother's day. 

3574 days

She loved a boyish man
With Irish feist

Life changed
Blink
Blink

Neither of them
The same again

Fighting
Everything
Everyone
Every day

3574 days
Fighting
For each other

He changed
She changed too
Life ebbed & flowed

Most days it flows
A glorious gift
Smiles, giggles
Another snack, please

Strength
Love
Bountiful laughter
We've got this

Sunday ramblings

It amazes me how quickly I can go from feeling like the average 34 yr old to feeling like I'm 12 again.

Tomorrow, my father leaves for Moncton for the first of four weeks of daily radiation. I'm missing him already.  To top it off, my mother is going with him tomorrow, for the week. I miss her already, too.

The idea of both my parents being away makes me feel surprisingly insecure. I lived away from them for eight years. The exact distance that they'll be from me while they're away, yet it feels impossible to me that I'll survive a week without them.

Over the last 11 months, since moving home, they've been such a support system for me. It makes me uneasy to think that I'll be without them.  I'm so used to talking to at least one, if not both of them daily. It'll be weird to not be able to do that.

Then there's the whole issue that my Daddy is going to Moncton for radiation. I had been putting this out of my mind. I don't like thinking about the reality of it. 

It still makes me angry that he has to deal with that at all.  I worry about him, too.

This whole situation stinks.

Fuck you, cancer.

He's a Daddy!!

There are times in your life when you experience pure joy for someone else. Today is one of those days for me. Today, my big brother, Scott became a Daddy. The happiness I feel for him is not able to be properly summed up in words. I feel deep down joy for him. I'm so grateful to the Universe, God, whomever brought this baby boy to him & his wife. Thank you.

For those of you unaware, the Coles notes version of my relationship with my brother is that he is 10.5yrs older than me, he was very much my protector growing up, we've very much become each other's protectors, he is my friend & I love him so damn much. So, today I am over-the-moon with happiness!

Truthfully, I didn't think I'd ever see this day. As he is well aware, my brother is not a spring chicken full of youth but he is full of love. I am eager to watch him experience all those silly happy firsts that come with having a baby. I can't wait for phone calls to tell me what the baby has learned now. I can't wait to watch Scott learn all the little quirks that only his son has. The challenges, the laughs, the happiness & the love that come from caring for a child are all so worth experiencing & I love that he will get to really experience them now, as a father not just as an older brother watching his naive younger sister grow up.

I cannot wait to lay my eyes on the little man. I cannot wait to hold him & tell him how much his Aunt Paula loves him. I will also tell him at some point that in about 15 yrs if he's been out having too much fun & afraid to call his Mom & Dad, to give his Uncle Jeff & I a call...lol..I know his Dad can be a hard ass...he is still my big brother after all...

Baby Boy, you have just joined the world but you are so very loved. Your Mommy & Daddy have been waiting for you, and so have the rest of us. Can't wait to meet you!

I'm not that girl

Today, I was showing Katie my baby pictures, at the back of the album were these 4 pictures.  Prom 1996. It wasn't my prom, but that of my very platonic friend.  If you look closely, you'll notice something in all 4 photos, I have my arms covering my stomach.  Also, if you look closely, you'll notice I wasn't that big. I was about 175lbs, 5'8, a bit chubby at best.  I felt immediately saddened for that girl.  I remember being that girl. So very vividly.  She was so insecure. She felt so out of place & really thought no boy would ever love her.

As a teenager, I really didn't feel like I was ever good enough.  I didn't have any sense of style, I hung out in the band room (I love all my band friends, but we all know we weren't the 'cool' kids), I was flunking math, science and anything else that didn't interest me & I was fat.  Soooo incredibly fat!!! Except, I wasn't.

I wasn't fat.  I wasn't stupid.  I wasn't uncool.  The thing is, it has taken me until now to realize that.

I am at the beginning of what I believe to be the biggest change of my life.  Less than 2 weeks ago, Jeff & I started living a healthier life. We've been watching what we eat, he has been walking a lot, I go sometimes, and it feels really great.  Neither of us feel like we're giving up much.  It feels good to care about myself & my Katherine enough to do this. I fully believe I'm getting mentally stronger because of it, as well.

For someone who believes so strongly in the power of positive thought, I have been sucking in & blowing out a lot of negative energy the last little while. I guess I have been realizing lately that because I'm not by nature, a super happy-go-lucky person, I need to be more aware of the energy I put out. I want great things, so I have to put out great energy! Bottom line.

I wish the girl in those pictures knew then what I know now about life.  I know everyone says it, but when you have the first real moment where you realize what you've been through in your life & how proud you should be sometimes just for being here, breathing, living & loving.  My god....I wish I had of known then what I know now.

I think I would've taken the right things much more seriously. I would not have been such a self-conscious follower, because really, look at me; I have blue hair, I am not a follower. I thought I needed approval from people then that now, I wouldn't be upset if they never spoke to me again because I am stronger than I ever knew I could be.

I spent a lot of years feeling weak & unimportant.  I really thought that every person I ever encountered would think of me as a hateful bitch. Now, I cannot even fathom how many years of my life I spent believing that. I didn't think anyone would like me. Even when I had friends, mostly through work, I never really let anyone in, because I didn't believe they would ever really like me if they knew me. I'm a hateful bitch. Except, I'm not.

I'm not any of the things that my really vicious internal dialogue has been telling me for as long as I can even remember. It's funny the things you remember from your childhood; at the forefront of my brain is one time when I was at a friend's place & her older brother made fun of me by saying I had 'gummy lips'.  I remember thinking it was such a horrible thing, it stuck with me, until recently when I've realized that women pay money for lips like these! Mine were free!  Buh-Bye silly voice in my head!

I'm beginning to feel this fire inside me, I feel strong & confident. The old voices telling me how fat my legs are, how embarrassed I should be for showing them in public, the ones telling me how much people won't like me at first sight because I have foolish hair or because I'm a hateful bitch, they're going away.

I'm not that girl anymore, I'm twice as old now as I was then. I'm glad that even though it has taken way too long, the sadness & fears that she held are becoming less and less mine. It feels good to love yourself.  Who knew?

I like Garth, he likes Elvis....

Yesterday, he sent me a facebook message asking me to read over a letter of appeal based on his settlement amount for the class action Mirapex law suit.  I read over it & it brought back memories of a time when I thought I was going to lose him.  I thought his life would end because I knew he was spiraling out of control but I didn't realize it was his medication, I was & am 800kms away, so I had no idea at the time what he was up against.

My best friend, my friendship soul mate, my one person who is more real with me sometimes than even Jeff is because he doesn't have to live with me, my Robbie.

For those of you who don't know 'my' Robbie, we have been close since we met, best friends for most of it. I was 15, he was 17 when we first met.  I fell madly in teenage love with this wacky, loud, impulsive, attention drawing, Elvis loving teenage boy.  I saw beneath the layers of  'look at me' somehow or other, and I knew that we were meant to be...I thought then that I was meant to fall in love with him, he was going to become a famous singer, we were going to live in a mansion on a hill. Oh, the mind of a smitten 15 year old! In reality, we were meant to be the absolute best of friends.  We were meant to be there for each other no matter what terrifying shit life was going to throw at us.  We were meant to have such a bond that 7 years of not seeing each other meant nothing, and in 2 seconds we were back to being us.

Robbie was diagnosed with early onset Parkinson's Disease when he was 27 or 28, he's now 35 & has had to deal with more than any person should.  It's bad enough to find out at such a young age that your brain & body are fighting against what you want to be able to do, but then to end up taking a drug that is supposed to help you & ends up doing anything but.

Mirapex caused Robbie to become a person he isn't, it made him compulsive, it made him lie, it made him someone I didn't want to be friends with because I didn't know what was really happening.  He pawned all of his musical equipment to use for drugs & sex, anyone who knows Robbie Tucker, knows that this is NOT  him.  This is not the person he has ever been. He cheated on his partner, he would wander late at night looking for hook ups, he thought claiming he could raise 1 million dollars for the Parkinson's Society of Canada was a rational amount.  He was clearly, not in his right mind.  It was unnerving & terrifying. How he survived that period of time is beyond me.

Fast forward to today, Robbie is amazing.  He is down right inspiring.  He took charge of his life, he got a new neurologist, when his Mirapex prescribing one told him that he simply was bi-polar & needed more meds, instead of taking him seriously with his concerns.  He is deeply into yoga, clean eating & is amazing in the kitchen. He is now The Healthy Bitch, and makes lots of different healthy snacks that he sells at the yoga studio he attends. He volunteers at a food kitchen, he bikes anywhere that he can, he loves life in a way I don't think he ever has.

He amazes me, he challenges me, he makes me feel guilty for being such a lazy schmuck who has a body that works just fine but doesn't get used ever.  He makes me want to be a healthy bitch too!

Robbie, makes me more proud that he'll ever know.  I went from being a teenager in  puppy love to a best friend who loves him so deeply & unconditionally, I cannot imagine my life without Robbie Tucker. He isn't just my friend, he is absolutely my family.

As I was saying when I started this entry, yesterday Robbie asked me to look over his letter of appeal on the settlement offered to him. I won't get into exact specifics but to be offered less than a thousand dollars for the damage done to his life makes me angry.  His life could have been lost because of the side effects of this medication, and the amount offered to him is like a slap in the face.  I, truly hope that Robbie & all others who have had to deal with the insurmountable financial & personal loss are compensated properly, however that may be.

Robbie Tucker, I am so incredible proud to even know you, I can't imagine how I got so lucky to be your best friend for life.  You are such an inspiring, strong & innovative human being.  I look forward to watching us as we grow old & get more bitter with life & each other! I look forward to watching you kick Parkinson's ass & never giving in, because we both know that you are the ABSOLUTE most stubborn person ever!

Peener loves you Toilet man!! Go laugh in the face of poop or Parkinson's or something......

This was Christmas formal 1994, I was 15, he was 17.

Four days.

Four days. Four days.

I'm nervous. I'm anxious. I'm worried. I'm sad.  I'm a normal amount of all of those things.  That's a first in a long time. In four days, I return to work. In four days, I test myself. In four days, life returns to 'normal'. In four days, I will realize that I'm strong & capable. 

I haven't worked since January 27th.  I will have been off exactly 40 days when I return to work.  40 amazing, life changing days.  

When I went on leave, I was so inexplicably not myself.  I listened to Violin by Amos Lee repeatedly like it was my anthem. It felt as if that song came from my soul.  I wanted to be saved. I wanted someone to rescue me from my sadness.Then, 3 people did. My Jeff, My Katie & Myself. Together, the 3 of us can do anything.  

I am so incredibly lucky. I am so incredibly grateful to the Universe for both of them. The love they give me every single day, well, it's nothing short of life saving.  

I feel as if I am so much stronger than I ever realized that I am.  I am capable. I am emotional. I am fierce. I can really do anything that I need to do. I'm feeling rather amazing the last few days.  I've turned into some messed up, domesticated crazy lady.  It's a great feeling!

So, in four days.  I'm hoping this great feeling follows me to work.  I'm hoping it reassures me that I can do anything.  I know it's going to be so hard.  I'm going to miss Katie & Jeff so much, but I know that I can get through it.  I'm stronger than I realize.  I need to keep repeating that. I don't need to be saved anymore.  I've saved myself.

Free

Loving this life

Singing, Dancing

Free

The songwriter

Writes

Composes

Loves

His soul soars

Free again

At home

His happy tones

Make my day

Brighten my world

Give me hope

Knowing he's back

Challenges me

To be better

To strive for more

The songwriter was silent

but

That's no longer so

Loving this life

Singing, Dancing

Free

Free

Free

* I wrote this poem about my best friend Robbie, who at 27 was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. He has suffered a lot while trying to get himself on the right medication to be functional again. I'm so proud of him every single day.

Sunday Rambling

I feel the need to write, but I don't have a topic or anything at all spinning around in my head, except that my fingers need to be clicking & clacking on the keyboard right now. I need to write.

It's Sunday morning. I'm home alone with Katie, this is a first. Jeff is gone to get training for his new job that starts a week from tomorrow. I'm, no, we're hoping that this job opens up doors for us. That it makes life easier for us. We both fully expect him to have to work harder & sacrifice a bit more, but for now that's how it has to be.

Yesterday, I worked my third Saturday. I'm working on Saturdays to help us out financially as well. I don't mind being there really, and it gives Katie some one on one Daddy time. I wish I could only work Saturdays from now on, but the days are ticking away until I'm back full time.

I sent Jeff a job posting in Fredericton last night. I want him to apply, I don't know why, but I feel like a change is needed. I feel like things in Moncton aren't going to get better, I don't know why I feel that but I really do. I feel like our life here is stagnant. Something needs to change.

I know we have a lot of responsibility now with being parents, but that doesn't mean life should be dull. I feel like it should be the very opposite. I don't want Katie to have a boring life, where she's afraid to try new things, or where she wants to stay in all the time doing nothing. I want to shake life up. Grab it by the horns, and just have fun.

I wish I could find the will power & mentally have it 'click' for us to get healthy. I am tired of being fat. I really am, but I just can't seem to get it to click. I want to be healthy, for me, for Jeff but most of all for Katie. I want her to be able to follow my lead. I want her to know that eating healthy & exercising is what we need to do for our bodies, but how will she ever believe me when I chow down on chips & chocolate & drink pop...oh..but it's diet...like that matters.

I want to be better than I am. I want to have a better job, a real job actually. I want to be better at saving money, any would be a good start. I want to stop being a potty mouth. I want to be healthy & active.

I'm so full of excuses for everything. It's sometimes exhausting being such a procrastinator. I'm the Queen of 'yeah, I'll do it in a minute'. I need to stop that, and just do whatever it is I'm 'postponing'.

I think the thing that bugs me the most is that I'm all talk, no action. I never follow through, ever. That's kind of depressing, but today it's going to get a bit better. I have company coming over this week. My apartment needs to be cleaned, and I'm going to go above & beyond today. This apartment will be shining when I'm done. Maybe tomorrow, I'll make another decision that I otherwise wouldn't. Baby steps.

Pure Love

You came into my life

When I needed you most

I didn’t know I needed you

Or how much I really wanted you

Until you were there

Now there are no days without you

Happiness exudes

When you smile

My world is right

When I look into your eyes

My soul is complete

There is nothing but love

For you…pure love

My Daddy

Maybe it's rain falling outside my window, the chill in the air or the exhaustion from a trying week, but I feel like writing about something tonight. I don't have a topic just yet, but I have a feeling one will come to me as long as I just keep writing.

I'm listening to so many songs tonight that seem to remind me of someone or someplace. A moment frozen in time by a melody. I'm emotional this evening, rather melancholic truth be told which is why I think the music is affecting me so.

Right now the song my Dad & I dance to at my wedding is playing. 'I loved her first' by Heartland, it brings a smile to my face, a tear to my eye & a flutter in my tummy. I remember the very first time I heard the song, it was about a month or so before the wedding, and I cried from beginning to end and knew that this was it. I love my father so much, I can't even explain.

I remember so much about him on my wedding day that it's ridiculous. I can remember waking up way too early and hearing him downstairs, so I went down to chat with him, and he told me to lay on the couch & nap so I wouldn't be tired. I remember him dropping me at my Aunt's & going to the dry cleaners to get my dress for me & dropping it off. I remember seeing him come down the stairs at my Aunt's in his tux, I had my hair & make-up all done, and my veil was in my hair, we looked at each other, smiled & I said Daddy, you look so good!! We hugged, I cried. I remember him trying to make me laugh just before we walked down the aisle, because he told me if I cried he may cry.

I have 2 favourite Dad on my wedding day memories though, one was when he & Mom came out of the church, he hugged me then he said to Jeff "C'mere Son, I'm gonna do to you what I do to all my sons", he then proceeded to give Jeff a kiss on the cheek and hugged him, everyone 'awwed' and my brother said "You've never done that to me!" and we laughed. The other memory was in fact my dance with him, the song started and he said to me 'I told your brother when you were up there, I remember when she was just a little girl, and she'd say to me, daddy pick me up, daddy let's play, daddy can I come with you, daddy let's go for a drive...now you're all grown up & not a little girl anymore'. I hugged him so tight and told him 'Daddy, I'll always be your little girl.'

My Dad is such a smart man, but I don't think he has ever believed that about himself. He wasn't really a book smart guy, but he just knows stuff. He has an extreme admiration for all things WWII, John Wayne & ducks. He loves quietly but deeply. He is extremely funny once he feels comfortable around you, but until then you might think he's rather serious. He is one of the softest rocks in the world, but he is just that, he's so soft when it comes to his family, but he undoubtedly is our rock.

I love him & I thank God that I have him.