Out of Control

I feel like things are out of my control. I don't want to go back to work. Plain & simple. I don't mind working Saturdays, because Katie is home with her Daddy. I do not want to pay someone else to spend their day with my child. PAY SOMEONE?! What? I understand that it's a profession, but the idea of needing to pay someone to spend their day with my wonderful girl, just seems asinine. I want to stay home & spend my days with her. I want to teach her things, and be the one she looks at with excitement when she has learned something new. I want to be the one she gives middle of the day hugs to. The one she snuggles with after her morning nap. How will I be able to go to work every single day, and deal with the ache in my heart from not being with her?

I know mothers go back to work every day. They leave their babies with competent people who care for & love their children, but I just don't know how I'm going to do it. It's swallowing me up. I feel panic set in as I even think about looking for a daycare. There's not going to be anyone good enough, that's just the bottom line. I am her Mama, she needs me & frankly, I need her.

Also, I just feel like my life is out of my control. Financially, we're just barely keeping our head above water, thanks to my amazing hubby being grossly underpaid at the job he held for 5 years, and my being on Maternity Leave since last May. It's overwhelming. I feel like some days it's swallowing me up. I get lost in the frustration & hopelessness. On my stronger days I feel like good things are just around the corner for us. I hope I'm right.

Then there's my weight. I am utterly disgusted with myself. I know that this is something within my control. I get that. I get that I am responsible for this body. I get that I have eaten my way to this. I have complete grasp of that. What I'm having a really hard time with, is the why. I don't understand why I can't get control of it. Why do I chose the chocolate bar over an apple? I know the pros & cons of both, why as an intelligent adult do I continue to make the wrong choice?

Food has been my 'friend' when I had no one else. It has been there through every up & down of my life. Every lonely depressed day I spent as a kid pretending that I wasn't picked on in school, another cookie...sure...why not? Every fight with my Mom, I wanted to eat because I just felt like I was never going to be enough anyhow. I guess I still feel that way.

I seclude myself and eat, because what if people don't like me? I talk a lot, I can be loud, I'm fat, why would anyone ever like me? I guess in my head, I'll always be the fat kid who got picked on in math class. So, for me, it's just easier to stay home & eat...I don't know how to change that.