My cankles, my business.

The women in my family are generally average height or on the shorter side, I'm not. They have average size feet, I do not. They all, no matter how big or small the body, have skinny or average legs, I absolutely do not.

My legs are the only thing on my body that I'm absolutely ashamed of & I can't seem to do anything to fix the problem. I've always had 'big' legs or so I was told. Once around 15 or 16, overheard a cousin ask my mother where I got my big legs since they all had skinny legs. I have never forgotten it. I didn't like wearing shorts or skirts in high school because I thought I had fat legs.  Then I gained weight, so much weight packed onto my body & my legs just expanded to the point of no return, I guess. I began retaining fluid in my legs, I've said it before but I had so much fluid in my legs that if I cut myself while shaving, clear liquid came out instead of blood - it would leak for hours, soaking the cuff of my sock.

Right at this moment, I'm 110lbs lighter than I was when my legs did that. I expected to lose weight & get my legs back to 'normal' or at least my normal. I thought I'd have ankles again...crazy me! Still no sign of ankles but I'm the cankle queen. I spent every summer from 2004-2012 wearing jeans all summer long because I couldn't bear the thought of people judging me - 'look at that fat girl with the fat legs', 'check out the cankles on her'- the judgment I assumed would be thrown my way. I couldn't do it, I couldn't risk it. I lived in fear of what people thought of me. Last summer was the first time I wore capris most of the summer, it was hard to do but I did it. I still worry about what people will think though, the judgment that I still assume is being thrown at me. Why do I even care? It's because a cousin once asked my mother where I got my big legs - obviously strangers are judging me if a family member took notice.

This summer I want to take Katie swimming. She at almost four years old, has NEVER been swimming & I feel like I'm seriously failing her because of it. I just don't know how I'm going to put my body in a bathing suit, even! I know I can wear shorts but even that is a huge step for a woman who two summers ago wore jeans most of the summer. In one moment I'll think, 'no big deal, just do it, who cares what anyone thinks', then reality kicks in & I start to realize that I care what people think. I need to stop doing that. No one else's opinion of me really matters, I know that on a cerebral level but emotion takes over & I get self conscious.

I have to get over this. I just have to, it's holding me back & there isn't anything I can do about it. I've lost weight, my legs only get a bit smaller when the weight comes off. My legs are just that, legs, they aren't my worth as a human. It's time I stop letting them define me, so that's what I'm going to do right now. My legs no longer define me. These are my legs, you may see them at a local beach this summer, I apologize if the whiteness of them blinds you, it's been a while since they've seen sunshine.

One year bucket list.

Lately, I'm realizing that my body is much more capable than I originally thought.  With that in mind I've made a bucket list of things that I want to do in the next year. September 16, 2014 I will have done the next ten things.

1. Run a 5k
2. Get my license
3. Successfully return to work
4. Lose 70lbs.
5. Eat in a restaurant with my family
6. Go swimming after 10 yrs
7. Ride a bike after 20 yrs
8. Workout in a real gym
9. Go out dancing
10. Be confident & happy

I can feel a shift bubbling under the surface for me.

I can see myself getting better. My anxiety won't run my life forever. I'm going to get the help I need & I will get better.

Also, I ran this week. For the first time since being forced in school, I ran voluntarily, of my own accord. It still blows my mind. Who the heck do I think I am making this body run? Hot damn it hurts but feels absolutely exhilarating! I will readily admit that when I was at my fattest, I would refer to runners as 'crazy bastard runners'. I thought it was insane to want to run...ugh! Why would you even want to? Now, I want to! I want the chance to prove to Katie that you can never give up on yourself. Even when things look & feel grim, you can do anything!

We watched 'The Little Engine that could' yesterday & it's such a simple message. If you think you can, you will - if you think you can't, you won't. Well, I really feel like I can do this. That surprises me.

One year. Let's go! I think I can...

Random banter

Life. It's hard but it is also fun, challenging, rewarding & it's going to be okay.

I haven't written in a while so here is life now...

I've found a part time job. I'm excited but absolutely terrified at the same time. Anxiety plagues me. The what ifs. I don't do well with uncertainty.

Sometimes I still feel very trapped by my anxiety. I feel trapped in my own head. It is hard to know you're psyching yourself out & have no idea how to stop it. It makes me feel broken. How did I get to be so fucked up?

I am my own worst enemy. I pretend like I'm so confident now that I've lost weight. I'm not. I still just see that girl. Unhappy with herself. Critical. Self-doubting. Unworthy. It makes me angry with myself. I've worked for this. Why can't I really be proud of myself?

I have a hard time being proud of myself. It feels like I cheated to lose weight because there were many days when I was too sick to eat & the weight fell off. Jeff worked for it. I was sick. That's the guilt I feel. It sucks...

We moved a week ago. I am happy here. I like our slowly coming together home. We are so close to everything we need. Our car has only left the driveway 4 or 5 times in a week. We've taken to walking everywhere. WHAT????  Who are we? I can't even process the fact that my lazy ass does that...on purpose...weird.

So far

So far, I've lost 73lbs on my good days but at least 70lbs on my bad days. That is more than 2 times what Katie weighs. Insane!

I spent the last 30 days prior to today doing a 30 day squat challenge. I started at 50 squats, yesterday on day 30, I did 250 of them. I truly thought when I started, that it would be the exact same as everything else I've ever started - it would end with me quitting. I forgot one very important thing though; I'm not the same person, I had always been.

I had a chest cold for the last 11 days of my challenge. I almost quit when I had to do 190 squats for the day & just physically couldn't do them because I couldn't breathe & had a fever of 100.2,  I was devastated. It was day 23 & I knew that I couldn't give up. So, I rested that day & the next day when I was scheduled to rest, I did 190 squats.  They were done slow & steady, only 10-20 at a time, but they got done.
Quitting wasn't an option, I had to prove to myself that I could do it. I've more than proven it to myself. Now, I'm trying to figure out what my next challenge will be.

It's amazing what happens when you trust yourself & your body. When you start to get out of your own head & you tune out the I can't. You realize eventually that you, in all your imperfection, can do it. Your body wants to move, stretch & be strengthened.  It hurts a lot, in ways I didn't know I could hurt, but I hurt every day anyhow so why not let it be a good hurt? Seriously, as a morbidly obese(no point in sugar coating it) woman, my body was my enemy.  My back ached, my knees, ankles & feet would hurt randomly. So, what's wrong with some muscles that ache when I stand up because I did a ridiculous amount of good for my body? I see things so differently now. I see my body as being capable & strong. I can, have & will continue to use it better.

This picture is my before October 6, 2012 & after May 14, 2013. 73lbs gone. I'm wearing the exact same clothes, the pants now fall off when tied...

Sloth-like

Losing weight is something I never saw myself doing again. I was so big, I didn't think it was possible to get healthy again. I'm glad I was wrong.

I'm doing it now. Jeff & I are doing it together but at the same time we're doing it very independently. He has his battle, I have mine, but we're there for each other.

We keep each other in line but try not to be hawk eyeing each other. He works out a lot more & harder than I do. I am sloth-like in my laziness some days. No joke, if I didn't have to move, I often wouldn't. Even though I'm lazy I move because my body needs it & it does feel good to give it that fuel. It is a challenge for me but I'm working at it.

Tonight though, after Katie went to bed, we both worked out in the living room. We did it because our bodies deserve it. Do I hurt, friggin right I do! It feels great to know I earned it!

I'm promising myself that I'll workout in some way every day, even if it's only 20 minutes. It's 20 I didn't spend sloth-like....

Avoidance

As a fat person, I often don't really look at myself. I mean, really, straight into my own eyes, look at myself. The kind of looking at myself that would make me see my faults & have to acknowledge them. Yeah, that. I don't do it. Do you? I wonder if I'm alone in this or if it's just human nature. Stop looking at what you don't want to see. Avoidance! Let it reign supreme! It does in my world most of the time or it did...

Jeff & I have been on this lifestyle change journey for about 4.5 months, the people we've become already is surprising to me so I cannot imagine what's ahead for us. Since the end of September we've lost a combined total of more than 100lbs. That is insane! I wish I could say it's 50/50ish, but it's 60/40ish. I'm not ashamed of that though, how could I be! I've lost 42lbs so far, Jeff has lost 61lbs. I look healthier but holy cow, he looks like a different person.

We were looking at our wedding pictures yesterday with Katie since she loves to look at them. Neither of us could even remember looking remotely like that. When we started losing weight 4.5 months ago, we were already both a lot smaller than we were 6 years ago. Jeff had to be 100lbs heavier then than he his now, without a doubt, I know I was at least 80lbs heavier but we didn't see it. Avoidance.

It makes me sad when I think about how much of my life I've wasted being fat. No, morbidly obese. Let's call a spade a spade. I don't know why I didn't love myself enough to care. I can remember all too well, not being able to find shirts long enough to really cover my belly the way it should be covered. I remember having to squeeze into the largest size pants at Penningtons & they were tight. I can remember looking at myself in the mirror & wondering who that girl was looking back at me.  The moon face partially from a year of prednisone, partially from non-stop McDonald's & Burger King. Deep fried whatever at 2am after we got home from work. I didn't wear make-up anymore because I didn't see the point, I couldn't look nice no matter what. I was the queen of the ratty ponytail, oversized Pooh hoodie & jeans. I just didn't care about myself at all. I was avoiding the work I knew it would take.

I can't ever go back to being that person. It's not fair to do that to anyone in my life but most importantly it's horrible to do it to myself. I refuse to be a poor role model for Katie when it comes to nutrition. I may not end up being a health nut but I can guarantee you that my child will know how to prepare a healthy meal & that treats are just that.

I really feel so much better about myself these days. I look myself in the eyes from time to time when I'm feeling brave. I've never felt brave before...

This was what we looked like on October 6, 2006...never again

Clarity

Sometimes, I have moments of clarity in my life.
Knowing whole heartedly for a year that we would be moving home, because I had a moment of clarity. I put it out into the Universe. I set it free. I held up my end of the bargain. I believed. The Universe seemed to know I wasn't ready to work.  So, Jeff got the job that brought us back to Miramichi.
Well, anyhow...I've been having these moments of clarity lately. I need to lose weight. I'm terrified of the idea of not losing weight. I know that, I, like most other obese people, make promises to lose weight & get better all the time. I know that I'm just a cliche at this point, but I guess what I'm doing right now is asking you all for help. I feel like now is my time to do this for myself.
I need direction. I need common sense help. I need motivation.
I have a friend who says she has to lose an average adult male, and well, very sadly, so do I.
The truth hurts, but I have faith that it can be changed!
I get by with a little help from my friends

Revelations

This week has brought upon me, many realizations & revelations.  The greatest of these is how at peace my soul is now.  My heart is happy.  I feel at ease.  I feel so loved. I'm home.

I'm 33 years old.  I'm a Stay-at-home Mom, right now, to incredible, amazing, funny, sweet, inquisitive, spunky, almost 2, Katie Lou.  I'm wife to such an incredible man. Katie & I are so lucky to have Jeff. He loves us like a real man should. He's proud of his family & we're proud of him.  I have parents who really would give us the shirts off their backs if we even suggested that we needed them.  They love the 3 of us so fiercely that I can't even begin to explain to them how thankful we are.  I appreciate my parents so much more after being home this last month, than I ever have in all my 33 years.  

I have a brother who is my best friend.  He really is.  There are 10.5 years between Scott & I, yet, we're equal in our relationship.  We went from protective big brother, to being protective of each other. I love that we both know that if one of us needs the other, there is no time of day that we aren't there for one another. We also call each other on our shit. If I'm being an idiot, he tells me, if he's being stupid, I tell him.  It has to be that way to be in an adult sibling relationship. No matter what though, after being angry or upset with each other, we always, always know that we love each other.  He's my best friend.

I also just realized this week, how much I love & need my Mom.  I don't have the words to tell her when I talk to her.  So, I know she will read this at some point. Mom, I love you.  I love our time together. I love watching you with Katie. I love you. I love you. I love you.  PS...I'm sorry I'm so bitchy sometimes, it's a work in progress for me too....

I feel inner strength in Miramichi that I have been lacking for quite some time.  I feel like I can fight my anxiety here.  I feel anxious most times I go out still, but the difference here is that I still go out. I didn't do that in Moncton, but here, at home, I feel like I have more support. I mean, I got my permit. I still haven't driven, but just having the piece of plastic in my wallet is a huge leap for me.

I feel more confident now that we've returned to Miramichi as well.  I do my hair, put on make-up, try to accessorize so that I can look good when I'm out. With that said, I have a new if you don't like me, don't look at me, attitude! I've decided that my tree trunk legs & flabby arms are mine to accept & love.  I need to embrace my body as it is, and realize that I'm really okay as I am.  I plan to wear capris, tank tops, skirts & I'm even planning on getting brave & buying a bathing suit.  I'm going to make the conscious decision to not care what other people think about me.

I'm going to be outside this summer.  I'm going to be active, sweaty & happy.  I'm going to run around with our Katie. I'm going to dig in the dirt with her. I'm going to enjoy our time together.

I'm happy to feel so happy.  I'm happy to be able to realize the wonderful opportunities that are being given to us.  I'm just so grateful. 

Gratitude

Gratitude.

One word sums up much of what I've been feeling lately.

I whined & complained when life was serving us plenty of things that made each day so difficult that getting up in the morning became a chore.  So, now that I have so much happiness & goodness in my life, I want to shout from the rooftops how grateful I am.

Just thinking about how lucky we are brings tears to my eyes.  Happy tears.  They flow so much more now than the tears of frustration & sadness.

I have 2 amazing parents.  I have loved them always but now appreciate them so much more than I ever have in my life.  They are such incredible grandparents to sweet Katie Lou. She loves her Grammy & Poppy SO much! It fills up my happy meter when I see them do stuff with her. To see the pure, genuine happiness she brings them is a gift to me.  To hear the honest, uncontrolled laughter that she brings out of them. Grateful.

To be surrounded by family again, is amazing.  I had become so detached. I had forgotten how much I love my extended family.  Seeing family, having them finally meet Katie, it's amazing.  They are going to get to know our little Dood.  This is not something I expected to have for her. In my opinion, this is a huge gift for her.  I cannot imagine growing up away from my extended family.  I have so many cousins, not really knowing them is an absurd thought for me.

I also am getting my head around losing weight for real.  Every day I try to something better than the day before. I'm starting to come to terms with the reality of me being 33, morbidly obese, family history of heart problems & I have an almost 2yr old.  I have to change, for Katie, for Jeff & for myself.

It's still odd to me that a dying city where youth leave because of the lack of opportunity is, in fact, the greatest opportunity that my little family has been given.

The Universe leads you if you listen.  If you're grateful, positive & do the work, the Universe listens.  So, for all I've been given, the absolute hardest days when we couldn't afford a loaf of bread, to the most cherished gift I've been given in Katie, I'm grateful for everything.

Thank you, Universe.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Gratitude.

Change?

I feel tense lately. I'm not sleeping well. I'm moody & unpredictable. I'm stressed out & I have no idea why.

Today at work, it was busy. Really, really, busy. In the midst of the insanity, I got a ridiculously bad headache, and my words got a bit confused. It felt the same as the only other time that I've had a migraine, but I immediately popped some tylenol & put on my glasses, quickly I felt better. A little while later I felt like I might have a panic attack of sorts. I felt very anxious, in fact right now while typing this & recalling how I felt, I feel the same way. I feel like someone is squeezing my throat. Ok, I need to shake it off.

Wow, that was intense. Anyhow...I don't know what's going on with me. It's driving me crazy though.

I know that I need to look after myself better. I need to get exercise, some, at least...if not for me then for my little Katie Lou...my little lou lou bear...she deserves the best Mama she can have. I don't know why I can't force myself to understand that I need to change. I mean, I know it, obviously I know it, but why don't I feel like I'm enough to deserve it? Why can't I figure out a way to do this?

I feel like there's a big change coming in my life, our life soon...Something good is going to happen for us soon, maybe this is it? Maybe, getting our health back is the change...maybe, it's time for us to make it the change....

Out of Control

I feel like things are out of my control. I don't want to go back to work. Plain & simple. I don't mind working Saturdays, because Katie is home with her Daddy. I do not want to pay someone else to spend their day with my child. PAY SOMEONE?! What? I understand that it's a profession, but the idea of needing to pay someone to spend their day with my wonderful girl, just seems asinine. I want to stay home & spend my days with her. I want to teach her things, and be the one she looks at with excitement when she has learned something new. I want to be the one she gives middle of the day hugs to. The one she snuggles with after her morning nap. How will I be able to go to work every single day, and deal with the ache in my heart from not being with her?

I know mothers go back to work every day. They leave their babies with competent people who care for & love their children, but I just don't know how I'm going to do it. It's swallowing me up. I feel panic set in as I even think about looking for a daycare. There's not going to be anyone good enough, that's just the bottom line. I am her Mama, she needs me & frankly, I need her.

Also, I just feel like my life is out of my control. Financially, we're just barely keeping our head above water, thanks to my amazing hubby being grossly underpaid at the job he held for 5 years, and my being on Maternity Leave since last May. It's overwhelming. I feel like some days it's swallowing me up. I get lost in the frustration & hopelessness. On my stronger days I feel like good things are just around the corner for us. I hope I'm right.

Then there's my weight. I am utterly disgusted with myself. I know that this is something within my control. I get that. I get that I am responsible for this body. I get that I have eaten my way to this. I have complete grasp of that. What I'm having a really hard time with, is the why. I don't understand why I can't get control of it. Why do I chose the chocolate bar over an apple? I know the pros & cons of both, why as an intelligent adult do I continue to make the wrong choice?

Food has been my 'friend' when I had no one else. It has been there through every up & down of my life. Every lonely depressed day I spent as a kid pretending that I wasn't picked on in school, another cookie...sure...why not? Every fight with my Mom, I wanted to eat because I just felt like I was never going to be enough anyhow. I guess I still feel that way.

I seclude myself and eat, because what if people don't like me? I talk a lot, I can be loud, I'm fat, why would anyone ever like me? I guess in my head, I'll always be the fat kid who got picked on in math class. So, for me, it's just easier to stay home & eat...I don't know how to change that.

Sunday Rambling

I feel the need to write, but I don't have a topic or anything at all spinning around in my head, except that my fingers need to be clicking & clacking on the keyboard right now. I need to write.

It's Sunday morning. I'm home alone with Katie, this is a first. Jeff is gone to get training for his new job that starts a week from tomorrow. I'm, no, we're hoping that this job opens up doors for us. That it makes life easier for us. We both fully expect him to have to work harder & sacrifice a bit more, but for now that's how it has to be.

Yesterday, I worked my third Saturday. I'm working on Saturdays to help us out financially as well. I don't mind being there really, and it gives Katie some one on one Daddy time. I wish I could only work Saturdays from now on, but the days are ticking away until I'm back full time.

I sent Jeff a job posting in Fredericton last night. I want him to apply, I don't know why, but I feel like a change is needed. I feel like things in Moncton aren't going to get better, I don't know why I feel that but I really do. I feel like our life here is stagnant. Something needs to change.

I know we have a lot of responsibility now with being parents, but that doesn't mean life should be dull. I feel like it should be the very opposite. I don't want Katie to have a boring life, where she's afraid to try new things, or where she wants to stay in all the time doing nothing. I want to shake life up. Grab it by the horns, and just have fun.

I wish I could find the will power & mentally have it 'click' for us to get healthy. I am tired of being fat. I really am, but I just can't seem to get it to click. I want to be healthy, for me, for Jeff but most of all for Katie. I want her to be able to follow my lead. I want her to know that eating healthy & exercising is what we need to do for our bodies, but how will she ever believe me when I chow down on chips & chocolate & drink pop...oh..but it's diet...like that matters.

I want to be better than I am. I want to have a better job, a real job actually. I want to be better at saving money, any would be a good start. I want to stop being a potty mouth. I want to be healthy & active.

I'm so full of excuses for everything. It's sometimes exhausting being such a procrastinator. I'm the Queen of 'yeah, I'll do it in a minute'. I need to stop that, and just do whatever it is I'm 'postponing'.

I think the thing that bugs me the most is that I'm all talk, no action. I never follow through, ever. That's kind of depressing, but today it's going to get a bit better. I have company coming over this week. My apartment needs to be cleaned, and I'm going to go above & beyond today. This apartment will be shining when I'm done. Maybe tomorrow, I'll make another decision that I otherwise wouldn't. Baby steps.

First post

This is my first post on my new blog, the first post is a daunting one for certain. I feel the need for this to be a deep inspirational post, but I don't really think I have that in me right now.

So with that said, I'll talk about the only thing that is in the forefront of my mind and has been since last night. I am extremely proud of myself right now. Three years ago I was at my highest weight, I hated the way I looked, I could barely move, walking was excruciatingly painful on my back and hips. I couldn't figure out how I was going to manage to lose weight that I had gained while being sick with graves disease and taking steroids for over a year to fix it. My legs retained so much fluid that if I cut myself while shaving clear liquid came out and not blood, and the cut would leak for hours and hours. I hated everything to do with myself. I didn't wear makeup anymore, always had my hair in a ponytail & dressed like a slob all because I just didn't feel like anything I did made a difference in how I looked.

Well, fast forward 3 years, to July 18, 2009....last night I stepped on the scale to a major victory, I officially have at least 70 lbs off now. The reason I say at least is because I am pretty sure that I weighed more before I actually started losing than I did the one & only time I remember being weighed during the whole Graves fiasco....

I don't know how I lost the weight for sure, but I do know that ironically enough working in retail was the beginning of me saving myself. I had to stand all day long, I had to move and walk, I had to force myself to do those things even if they hurt, and they did hurt. Standing all day long with that much weight on my body was brutal. The lower half of my body ached every day, but I had to make a living somehow. We also stopped eating take-out 3 times a week or so. We now have a once a week rule that keeps us from binging even though once a week is still probably too much. We had a bout of time where we stopped drinking pop too, which was hard to do but we both felt better.

There has been a lot of things that have contributed to my weight loss, but regardless of what they were and still are, I'm just so happy that I'm beginning to see in the mirror the girl that I was before Graves.

I have to add that I have not done this alone by any means. Jeff has been there with me every single step, and he himself has lost at least 50lbs. I looked at our engagement pictures last night & I barely recognize those 2 people, because I never saw us that way & neither did he.



Here are pictures of us in May 06 & Dec 08.....we've both lost more weight since the Dec pic but it's the most recent one I have....