Old 'friend'

I'm scared of you old 'friend'
I've felt you lurking in the shadows
Waiting to catch me off guard

Today, my guard was down
I didn't know it though
Life can surprise you, old 'friend'

I feel you wrapping your arms around me
It makes me uneasy & unsettled
You are unwanted & unexpected

The tears flow like the Nile
Fast & free
Nature letting them do what they must

I'm scared of you old 'friend'
Please leave me be

I've worked too hard to set you free
I've worked too hard to let you win
But I don't know if I can do it again

I don't know how to to fight it off
This overwhelming feeling that I can't do it
I don't know how to do it again

The future so uncertain
The unknown, my biggest fear

Go away, old 'friend', go away....

Dark Days

I have dark days still, I don't know how to fight them off completely. I'm ok with that though, because I appreciate happy moments more now too. I feel real joy in my heart & soul when our beautiful daughter laughs, climbs, babbles, learns, teaches & breathes...the grey clouds have lifted from me when I'm in those moments.

Sometimes, I get stuck in my own head though. In the quiet moments at work, or when I can't sleep at night. I over analyze everything in our life & twist it into a 'woe is me' situation.

I have a good life, a great life in many ways, but we have a lot of worries too, same as a lot of people. I wish I could focus more on the good & great parts, but I dwell on the negative regardless of my knowledge that it will only bring more negativity.

I am a believer in the power of energy. We're all just generating energy in this world, and it makes me sad when I realize the energy I am putting out...I know I'm better than that & capable of better.

As I'm typing this I'm listening to music, and Mumford & Sons 'Timshel' came on and I heard the following lyrics.

And you are the mother
The mother of your baby child
The one to whom you gave life
And you have your choices
And these are what make man great
His ladder to the stars

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand
Hold your hand

I had to stop writing, close my eyes and soak it up. Sometimes I feel like I'm not enough. I can't possibly be responsible for this beautiful child. I'm surely going to mess her up. Messing up is what I do, but I actually believe I'm going to do alright with this one. I'm a good Mama. I'm very defensive when people question things because I feel criticized, and I know that I'm doing things the way I want to do them. I'm doing them the way my husband & I have decided is best for our child. That feels good. It feels independent, and I don't often feel that way.

So the dark moments sometimes still take over in little ways, but I'm trying to be proud of how far I've come lately. Being back to work, is in some ways much harder than I expected, and in others much easier. Being a mom to a toddler is an adjustment, but I love it.

I feel like I've been broken for a very very long time, and I'm trying to slowly get back to being deep down inside happy.