The Right People.

I just saw this on Facebook & it summed up perfectly how I've been feeling the last few weeks. I miss my Right People, I don't have many of them around anymore. Why are Montreal & Calgary so far away?

On a regular basis I am with other mothers - they're a great bunch of women who outside of our children I have nothing in common with. I'm not like the other playgroup moms, I know that, I feel it, it hangs over me like a surprisingly heavy curtain. It's my reminder that although we get along when we are together for the sake of our children, I'm not ever going to be one of them. None of these women would ever do anything to make me feel out of place & I don't want it to ever seem like they have but I'm a realist, I'm not naive to my surroundings.

I guess part of being the very liberal, tattooed, Atheist, hippie mom who says fuck a lot is accepting that you aren't always going to easily find your 'Right People'. Some days that is a much easier pill to swallow than others.

I don't know how to find people who are like me, I mean, honestly I don't think a lot of people are actually like me, I'm a bit of a one off. People who love me just get me, they not only know but expect me to be passionate, loud, quirky, goofy, stubborn, potty-mouthed, loving, compassionate combined with a slew of other equally wonderful & potentially loathsome characteristics.

I miss the comfort of just laying my honest truth on someone & knowing they aren't going to judge me no matter what I say. I miss laughing so hard (over the simplest thing) that my face hurts, my stomach is cramped & we've both snort laughed. I miss being out & about with a friend who I can give that sideways 'did you see/hear/smell that' look to & then see how long we can hold in the laughter when we get on the same page. Truthfully, I miss being the presence of a friend who can tell me that I'm being an unreasonable asshole & know that it's coming from a place of love.

You may learn in school that Canada is 9.9 million sq. kms or simply that it's the second largest in the world but you can't understand the greatness of that until your Right People are spread out along those kilometers. 

Believe me when I say, Canada is a huge country & I miss my Right People. 

Emotional Dam.....

I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm tired. I'm scared.

I'm really just fed up with people I love having to go through such hardships. I'm tired of it. I'm angry that people who don't deserve to go through things just keep getting slammed with bigger things. I'm scared that I could lose people I love. I'm so very sad that they have to deal with more.

Cancer. Everyone knows someone who has had it or who has a close family member affected by it. Everyone. That is so messed up. How is it still so rampant? I just want it to go away & leave my loved ones alone.

I try so hard to stay positive for the people around me who have their doubts & fears, I try but inside I'm so scared.  I'm scared I won't be able to be strong for the people who need me. I'm scared I'll crack in front of the people affected. I'm scared that treatment won't work & I just....I just can't deal with that....

I've been holding it all back but today the emotional dam is cracking & I don't know how much longer it'll hold up. I feel like crying won't solve anything here though & I don't know if I can stop myself once I start.

I'm so angry. I want to yell, swear, punch & throw things but that won't solve anything. My loved ones will still have Cancer & I can't do anything to help them. I hate that, I like to fix problems for people I love & there is absolutely nothing I can do for them.


And the emotional dam just busted wide open...I just cried so hard that no sound was even coming out...this shatters my heart & I'm no where near as strong as I'm pretending to be but I'll build a new dam. I'll keep a brave face & I'll fake positivity because it's what I do. It'll all be alright because in the end things always work out or some other bullshit I'll try to serve up later....

Old 'friend'

I'm scared of you old 'friend'
I've felt you lurking in the shadows
Waiting to catch me off guard

Today, my guard was down
I didn't know it though
Life can surprise you, old 'friend'

I feel you wrapping your arms around me
It makes me uneasy & unsettled
You are unwanted & unexpected

The tears flow like the Nile
Fast & free
Nature letting them do what they must

I'm scared of you old 'friend'
Please leave me be

I've worked too hard to set you free
I've worked too hard to let you win
But I don't know if I can do it again

I don't know how to to fight it off
This overwhelming feeling that I can't do it
I don't know how to do it again

The future so uncertain
The unknown, my biggest fear

Go away, old 'friend', go away....

I'm not that girl

Today, I was showing Katie my baby pictures, at the back of the album were these 4 pictures.  Prom 1996. It wasn't my prom, but that of my very platonic friend.  If you look closely, you'll notice something in all 4 photos, I have my arms covering my stomach.  Also, if you look closely, you'll notice I wasn't that big. I was about 175lbs, 5'8, a bit chubby at best.  I felt immediately saddened for that girl.  I remember being that girl. So very vividly.  She was so insecure. She felt so out of place & really thought no boy would ever love her.

As a teenager, I really didn't feel like I was ever good enough.  I didn't have any sense of style, I hung out in the band room (I love all my band friends, but we all know we weren't the 'cool' kids), I was flunking math, science and anything else that didn't interest me & I was fat.  Soooo incredibly fat!!! Except, I wasn't.

I wasn't fat.  I wasn't stupid.  I wasn't uncool.  The thing is, it has taken me until now to realize that.

I am at the beginning of what I believe to be the biggest change of my life.  Less than 2 weeks ago, Jeff & I started living a healthier life. We've been watching what we eat, he has been walking a lot, I go sometimes, and it feels really great.  Neither of us feel like we're giving up much.  It feels good to care about myself & my Katherine enough to do this. I fully believe I'm getting mentally stronger because of it, as well.

For someone who believes so strongly in the power of positive thought, I have been sucking in & blowing out a lot of negative energy the last little while. I guess I have been realizing lately that because I'm not by nature, a super happy-go-lucky person, I need to be more aware of the energy I put out. I want great things, so I have to put out great energy! Bottom line.

I wish the girl in those pictures knew then what I know now about life.  I know everyone says it, but when you have the first real moment where you realize what you've been through in your life & how proud you should be sometimes just for being here, breathing, living & loving.  My god....I wish I had of known then what I know now.

I think I would've taken the right things much more seriously. I would not have been such a self-conscious follower, because really, look at me; I have blue hair, I am not a follower. I thought I needed approval from people then that now, I wouldn't be upset if they never spoke to me again because I am stronger than I ever knew I could be.

I spent a lot of years feeling weak & unimportant.  I really thought that every person I ever encountered would think of me as a hateful bitch. Now, I cannot even fathom how many years of my life I spent believing that. I didn't think anyone would like me. Even when I had friends, mostly through work, I never really let anyone in, because I didn't believe they would ever really like me if they knew me. I'm a hateful bitch. Except, I'm not.

I'm not any of the things that my really vicious internal dialogue has been telling me for as long as I can even remember. It's funny the things you remember from your childhood; at the forefront of my brain is one time when I was at a friend's place & her older brother made fun of me by saying I had 'gummy lips'.  I remember thinking it was such a horrible thing, it stuck with me, until recently when I've realized that women pay money for lips like these! Mine were free!  Buh-Bye silly voice in my head!

I'm beginning to feel this fire inside me, I feel strong & confident. The old voices telling me how fat my legs are, how embarrassed I should be for showing them in public, the ones telling me how much people won't like me at first sight because I have foolish hair or because I'm a hateful bitch, they're going away.

I'm not that girl anymore, I'm twice as old now as I was then. I'm glad that even though it has taken way too long, the sadness & fears that she held are becoming less and less mine. It feels good to love yourself.  Who knew?

Fear

Fear is a terrible thing. I know everyone has some sort of fear in their lives, but I'm fairly certain that I am afraid of more things than the average person. I tend to be a bit irrational when it comes to being afraid.

I am afraid first & foremost of sharks. The idea of sharks sends a bit of a shiver up my spine. I don't watch anything, including commercials with sharks. They terrify me, and this is where I get irrational, I'm also afraid of cruise ships because in part of my fear of sharks. I have this extremely hypothetical & extremely unlikely scenario in my head that if I were to ever be on a cruise ship it could sink, and maybe there wouldn't be enough life boats and I'd then be in the water surrounded by sharks. I know logically that if these things were to actually happen, then it's really just my time to go, but I figure if I avoid cruise ships altogether it lessens my chances.

I'm afraid of driving, therefore I do not drive. This is a fear that angers me. I am an intelligent, capable woman; so why am I afraid of doing something that most people do?

I'm also afraid of the dark. The blinds on my windows are closed at night, I don't go outside by myself, I'm absolutely a big baby about it all.

I don't do scary movies & don't even think about getting me to sit through a preview for one. I close my eyes, cover my ears & Jeff tells me when it's over. Yes, I know, very mature.

I'm afraid to trust most people now too, I'm afraid to let myself be vulnerable & make new friends. I've had too many people in my life let me down, more than my fair share if you ask me. So, now I have acquaintances & a very very few real friends. This is the fear that saddens me the most & has the biggest effect on me.

My mind is my biggest enemy when it comes to fear, as it is with everyone, but in the midst of being afraid I actually think, 'there's nothing to be afraid of, it's all in your head', then I continue to be afraid.

I hope I don't pass these things on to my daughter, it isn't fun to be so afraid of everything & know that you really have no reason to feel that way. If she has fear in her life I want it to be of real things, not silly hypothetical situations & things she can very easily accomplish if she slowed her mind down a bit.


"The key to change is to let go of fear" - Roseanne Cash

I hope it's not too late for actual change