My cankles, my business.

The women in my family are generally average height or on the shorter side, I'm not. They have average size feet, I do not. They all, no matter how big or small the body, have skinny or average legs, I absolutely do not.

My legs are the only thing on my body that I'm absolutely ashamed of & I can't seem to do anything to fix the problem. I've always had 'big' legs or so I was told. Once around 15 or 16, overheard a cousin ask my mother where I got my big legs since they all had skinny legs. I have never forgotten it. I didn't like wearing shorts or skirts in high school because I thought I had fat legs.  Then I gained weight, so much weight packed onto my body & my legs just expanded to the point of no return, I guess. I began retaining fluid in my legs, I've said it before but I had so much fluid in my legs that if I cut myself while shaving, clear liquid came out instead of blood - it would leak for hours, soaking the cuff of my sock.

Right at this moment, I'm 110lbs lighter than I was when my legs did that. I expected to lose weight & get my legs back to 'normal' or at least my normal. I thought I'd have ankles again...crazy me! Still no sign of ankles but I'm the cankle queen. I spent every summer from 2004-2012 wearing jeans all summer long because I couldn't bear the thought of people judging me - 'look at that fat girl with the fat legs', 'check out the cankles on her'- the judgment I assumed would be thrown my way. I couldn't do it, I couldn't risk it. I lived in fear of what people thought of me. Last summer was the first time I wore capris most of the summer, it was hard to do but I did it. I still worry about what people will think though, the judgment that I still assume is being thrown at me. Why do I even care? It's because a cousin once asked my mother where I got my big legs - obviously strangers are judging me if a family member took notice.

This summer I want to take Katie swimming. She at almost four years old, has NEVER been swimming & I feel like I'm seriously failing her because of it. I just don't know how I'm going to put my body in a bathing suit, even! I know I can wear shorts but even that is a huge step for a woman who two summers ago wore jeans most of the summer. In one moment I'll think, 'no big deal, just do it, who cares what anyone thinks', then reality kicks in & I start to realize that I care what people think. I need to stop doing that. No one else's opinion of me really matters, I know that on a cerebral level but emotion takes over & I get self conscious.

I have to get over this. I just have to, it's holding me back & there isn't anything I can do about it. I've lost weight, my legs only get a bit smaller when the weight comes off. My legs are just that, legs, they aren't my worth as a human. It's time I stop letting them define me, so that's what I'm going to do right now. My legs no longer define me. These are my legs, you may see them at a local beach this summer, I apologize if the whiteness of them blinds you, it's been a while since they've seen sunshine.