The Right People.

I just saw this on Facebook & it summed up perfectly how I've been feeling the last few weeks. I miss my Right People, I don't have many of them around anymore. Why are Montreal & Calgary so far away?

On a regular basis I am with other mothers - they're a great bunch of women who outside of our children I have nothing in common with. I'm not like the other playgroup moms, I know that, I feel it, it hangs over me like a surprisingly heavy curtain. It's my reminder that although we get along when we are together for the sake of our children, I'm not ever going to be one of them. None of these women would ever do anything to make me feel out of place & I don't want it to ever seem like they have but I'm a realist, I'm not naive to my surroundings.

I guess part of being the very liberal, tattooed, Atheist, hippie mom who says fuck a lot is accepting that you aren't always going to easily find your 'Right People'. Some days that is a much easier pill to swallow than others.

I don't know how to find people who are like me, I mean, honestly I don't think a lot of people are actually like me, I'm a bit of a one off. People who love me just get me, they not only know but expect me to be passionate, loud, quirky, goofy, stubborn, potty-mouthed, loving, compassionate combined with a slew of other equally wonderful & potentially loathsome characteristics.

I miss the comfort of just laying my honest truth on someone & knowing they aren't going to judge me no matter what I say. I miss laughing so hard (over the simplest thing) that my face hurts, my stomach is cramped & we've both snort laughed. I miss being out & about with a friend who I can give that sideways 'did you see/hear/smell that' look to & then see how long we can hold in the laughter when we get on the same page. Truthfully, I miss being the presence of a friend who can tell me that I'm being an unreasonable asshole & know that it's coming from a place of love.

You may learn in school that Canada is 9.9 million sq. kms or simply that it's the second largest in the world but you can't understand the greatness of that until your Right People are spread out along those kilometers. 

Believe me when I say, Canada is a huge country & I miss my Right People. 

My cankles, my business.

The women in my family are generally average height or on the shorter side, I'm not. They have average size feet, I do not. They all, no matter how big or small the body, have skinny or average legs, I absolutely do not.

My legs are the only thing on my body that I'm absolutely ashamed of & I can't seem to do anything to fix the problem. I've always had 'big' legs or so I was told. Once around 15 or 16, overheard a cousin ask my mother where I got my big legs since they all had skinny legs. I have never forgotten it. I didn't like wearing shorts or skirts in high school because I thought I had fat legs.  Then I gained weight, so much weight packed onto my body & my legs just expanded to the point of no return, I guess. I began retaining fluid in my legs, I've said it before but I had so much fluid in my legs that if I cut myself while shaving, clear liquid came out instead of blood - it would leak for hours, soaking the cuff of my sock.

Right at this moment, I'm 110lbs lighter than I was when my legs did that. I expected to lose weight & get my legs back to 'normal' or at least my normal. I thought I'd have ankles again...crazy me! Still no sign of ankles but I'm the cankle queen. I spent every summer from 2004-2012 wearing jeans all summer long because I couldn't bear the thought of people judging me - 'look at that fat girl with the fat legs', 'check out the cankles on her'- the judgment I assumed would be thrown my way. I couldn't do it, I couldn't risk it. I lived in fear of what people thought of me. Last summer was the first time I wore capris most of the summer, it was hard to do but I did it. I still worry about what people will think though, the judgment that I still assume is being thrown at me. Why do I even care? It's because a cousin once asked my mother where I got my big legs - obviously strangers are judging me if a family member took notice.

This summer I want to take Katie swimming. She at almost four years old, has NEVER been swimming & I feel like I'm seriously failing her because of it. I just don't know how I'm going to put my body in a bathing suit, even! I know I can wear shorts but even that is a huge step for a woman who two summers ago wore jeans most of the summer. In one moment I'll think, 'no big deal, just do it, who cares what anyone thinks', then reality kicks in & I start to realize that I care what people think. I need to stop doing that. No one else's opinion of me really matters, I know that on a cerebral level but emotion takes over & I get self conscious.

I have to get over this. I just have to, it's holding me back & there isn't anything I can do about it. I've lost weight, my legs only get a bit smaller when the weight comes off. My legs are just that, legs, they aren't my worth as a human. It's time I stop letting them define me, so that's what I'm going to do right now. My legs no longer define me. These are my legs, you may see them at a local beach this summer, I apologize if the whiteness of them blinds you, it's been a while since they've seen sunshine.

Last-ditch effort

You come to a point in your life when you realize you are only in control of your actions & not the action or reaction of anyone else.

I've done all I can at this point to fix a situation that breaks my heart.

I'm a forgiver, that is my nature. Chances are you will have to do me wrong many times before I write you off completely, then maybe a time or two after that. I don't forget, however. I'm not sure the person on the other end of this situation realizes that. I've forgiven a lot of wrongs. I've given a lot of myself, my time, my love, my compassion, I've been broken-hearted for this person more times than I can count.

I'm always there.

Except this time. I wasn't able to be there. I wasn't able to do what was asked of me. I had said I would when put on the spot, then backed out when I realized I couldn't do it without causing myself more stress than I could handle.

What this person probably doesn't realize & possibly doesn't care about, but depression & anxiety have been major factors in my life the last two months. I couldn't do what was asked of me because of it.

Anxiety is my arch-nemesis. It is with me during every breathe, whisper & thought. It is slowly ramping back up, but I'm fighting it this time. I feel anxious & still do a lot of things because I have to but the extras don't happen much because I'm too anxious.

I feel as if my life will forever be altered because of it but I start counseling in two weeks. There is hope.

I will never forget this period of time. I've pushed people away by being unable to be social, unable to function like a 'normal' person. I love the idea of going out with my bff for a drink, a coffee or even just a drive but how many times have I cancelled because of anxiety? More than I can count - that's how many.

Now, it has caused me to make a decision for myself that hurt someone I love a lot.

Someone who is very different from me & who sees & feels things in a different way than I do. I'm trying to process that. I'm trying to allow myself to understand how anyone could be this upset for as long as it has been. Knowing the fragility of life & how easily people can be taken from you. I just can't understand that part....but that's maybe because I forgive too easily. I'm softer. My heart feels things differently. My heart is completely broken. I'm sorry for the hurt I've caused but I'm not sorry for doing what I needed to for me. I can't be sorry for that.

I'm not looking for sympathy but just a bit of understanding....