fighting

I have been off work since Saturday January 28th.  That was the day I realized I was too tired to fight through it all.  Then the next day, I decided the same thing, then again on Monday.  I knew I needed time.  I feel like I have been fighting my depression with one hand tied behind my back.  Going to work, being a Mom, Wife & finding time to allow myself to decompress, they weren't meshing well together.  I totally understand that there are many many parents who are much busier than I am, but for me & for my capabilities, it was too much.

I returned to work full-time at the end of May 2011. I had only addressed my postpartum depression a month earlier with my Dr. Everything was a constant battle.  My new manager seemed to enjoy making me feel like I was always on the cusp of losing my job.  The daycare we found for Katie left us feeling uncertain about our choice. I was stressed out 24/7.  My manager was a complete bully.  One day she loved you, the next you were on the shit list. I was jerked around so much, and made feel like I wasn't dependable because of my family commitments.

October 17th, I started a new job. This was going to be the moment I could breathe & feel happy again.  I thought this job was going to be the cure-all.  I was wrong.  It really has nothing to do with the job or the company, both are amazing, but they can't fix me.

I'm currently off work until March 5th.  I've been keeping my girl home with me as much as I can.  She makes me feel better.  Her spirit & wonder make me smile. I need that as much as I can get it.

On the form my Dr. filled out for my work, he wrote the word 'Agoraphobia' & it took my breathe away.  I'm anxious & uncomfortable to go outside of my apartment.  I have a panic attack at the thought of going out. I used to get cabin fever if I was inside for 2 days in a row.  Until yesterday I had been inside for a week & was in no rush to get out. I've promised myself that I will force myself out in the next few days.

I feel really indifferent lately.  Not really sad, not really happy, not really anything.  When I look in the mirror, I don't think I look like myself. I'm this sullen woman with sad eyes.

I need to fight this.  I am so determined to win.

Positive thoughts, positive energy, I'm fighting with all that I have.

First post

This is my first post on my new blog, the first post is a daunting one for certain. I feel the need for this to be a deep inspirational post, but I don't really think I have that in me right now.

So with that said, I'll talk about the only thing that is in the forefront of my mind and has been since last night. I am extremely proud of myself right now. Three years ago I was at my highest weight, I hated the way I looked, I could barely move, walking was excruciatingly painful on my back and hips. I couldn't figure out how I was going to manage to lose weight that I had gained while being sick with graves disease and taking steroids for over a year to fix it. My legs retained so much fluid that if I cut myself while shaving clear liquid came out and not blood, and the cut would leak for hours and hours. I hated everything to do with myself. I didn't wear makeup anymore, always had my hair in a ponytail & dressed like a slob all because I just didn't feel like anything I did made a difference in how I looked.

Well, fast forward 3 years, to July 18, 2009....last night I stepped on the scale to a major victory, I officially have at least 70 lbs off now. The reason I say at least is because I am pretty sure that I weighed more before I actually started losing than I did the one & only time I remember being weighed during the whole Graves fiasco....

I don't know how I lost the weight for sure, but I do know that ironically enough working in retail was the beginning of me saving myself. I had to stand all day long, I had to move and walk, I had to force myself to do those things even if they hurt, and they did hurt. Standing all day long with that much weight on my body was brutal. The lower half of my body ached every day, but I had to make a living somehow. We also stopped eating take-out 3 times a week or so. We now have a once a week rule that keeps us from binging even though once a week is still probably too much. We had a bout of time where we stopped drinking pop too, which was hard to do but we both felt better.

There has been a lot of things that have contributed to my weight loss, but regardless of what they were and still are, I'm just so happy that I'm beginning to see in the mirror the girl that I was before Graves.

I have to add that I have not done this alone by any means. Jeff has been there with me every single step, and he himself has lost at least 50lbs. I looked at our engagement pictures last night & I barely recognize those 2 people, because I never saw us that way & neither did he.



Here are pictures of us in May 06 & Dec 08.....we've both lost more weight since the Dec pic but it's the most recent one I have....