Worthless

I've been really down the last few days. I've tried to ignore it but the sadness is bigger & stronger than I am.

My head feels very tired. So many things spinning around. I'm trying really hard to decipher what's real from what is just my depression taking over. The line between the two is very slight & that sometimes makes it harder to think clearly.

I am so grateful for Katie, she's really the only reason I get up every day. She's the reason I haven't randomly quit my job, she's the reason I'm still alive. I, literally, owe my life to her.

I'm sitting in the lunchroom at work before my shift starts & it is taking everything in my power not to go into the bathroom & cry my face off. The sadness is gripping my every breathe, thought & movement, today. It's hard to function like this.

It's embarrassing to say this & really mean it but I feel worthless. I feel like no one likes me & why would they? I'm a bitch. Plain & simple.

My internal dialogue is extremely mean & degrading. I wish I could shut it up. I wish I felt worthy of anything good. I wish I wasn't me.

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Dark Days

I have dark days still, I don't know how to fight them off completely. I'm ok with that though, because I appreciate happy moments more now too. I feel real joy in my heart & soul when our beautiful daughter laughs, climbs, babbles, learns, teaches & breathes...the grey clouds have lifted from me when I'm in those moments.

Sometimes, I get stuck in my own head though. In the quiet moments at work, or when I can't sleep at night. I over analyze everything in our life & twist it into a 'woe is me' situation.

I have a good life, a great life in many ways, but we have a lot of worries too, same as a lot of people. I wish I could focus more on the good & great parts, but I dwell on the negative regardless of my knowledge that it will only bring more negativity.

I am a believer in the power of energy. We're all just generating energy in this world, and it makes me sad when I realize the energy I am putting out...I know I'm better than that & capable of better.

As I'm typing this I'm listening to music, and Mumford & Sons 'Timshel' came on and I heard the following lyrics.

And you are the mother
The mother of your baby child
The one to whom you gave life
And you have your choices
And these are what make man great
His ladder to the stars

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand
Hold your hand

I had to stop writing, close my eyes and soak it up. Sometimes I feel like I'm not enough. I can't possibly be responsible for this beautiful child. I'm surely going to mess her up. Messing up is what I do, but I actually believe I'm going to do alright with this one. I'm a good Mama. I'm very defensive when people question things because I feel criticized, and I know that I'm doing things the way I want to do them. I'm doing them the way my husband & I have decided is best for our child. That feels good. It feels independent, and I don't often feel that way.

So the dark moments sometimes still take over in little ways, but I'm trying to be proud of how far I've come lately. Being back to work, is in some ways much harder than I expected, and in others much easier. Being a mom to a toddler is an adjustment, but I love it.

I feel like I've been broken for a very very long time, and I'm trying to slowly get back to being deep down inside happy.

Free

Loving this life

Singing, Dancing

Free

The songwriter

Writes

Composes

Loves

His soul soars

Free again

At home

His happy tones

Make my day

Brighten my world

Give me hope

Knowing he's back

Challenges me

To be better

To strive for more

The songwriter was silent

but

That's no longer so

Loving this life

Singing, Dancing

Free

Free

Free

* I wrote this poem about my best friend Robbie, who at 27 was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. He has suffered a lot while trying to get himself on the right medication to be functional again. I'm so proud of him every single day.

Angry

Sitting, staring at a blank 'page'

Wondering if the words will flow from my fingers

Like tears down my face

So much hurt inside

Angry with the world

but more with myself

Bad choices

Wrong turns

To err is human

but how much is too much

Angry

So angry

Feeling like everything is beyond me

Beyond my control

Beyond my thoughts

Beyond my control

Wanting to change it

Wanting to be happy

I spend so much time wanting

Wanting

Wanting & being angry

So angry

Those were the days

I remember the days

Lost in conversation with you

Sitting side by side

Only inches between us

Trying to keep it from others

hush hush

Knowing they'd all figure it out eventually

Darkness turning to light

Birds singing their songs

Sun rises and cool breezes

Those were the days my love

Those were the days

I miss them at times

The carefree fun

Discovering the unknown about each other

When times were simpler

Today life is different

More complete

More fulfilling

There's no wonder about love

It's a given now

So safe, so secure

My Forever Love

He Fights

Dark clouds circle

Like they always have

She feels the storm

It's in the air

It's in her soul

She could let it come

Let it swallow her

Let herself drown in it

Instead she'll swim

against the current

of the storm brought

flood waters

She sees that never again

will she be alone

He fights with her

Beside her & for her

Their life is worth it

She loves him for

fighting for her

but more because

he made her

fight for herself

Out of Control

I feel like things are out of my control. I don't want to go back to work. Plain & simple. I don't mind working Saturdays, because Katie is home with her Daddy. I do not want to pay someone else to spend their day with my child. PAY SOMEONE?! What? I understand that it's a profession, but the idea of needing to pay someone to spend their day with my wonderful girl, just seems asinine. I want to stay home & spend my days with her. I want to teach her things, and be the one she looks at with excitement when she has learned something new. I want to be the one she gives middle of the day hugs to. The one she snuggles with after her morning nap. How will I be able to go to work every single day, and deal with the ache in my heart from not being with her?

I know mothers go back to work every day. They leave their babies with competent people who care for & love their children, but I just don't know how I'm going to do it. It's swallowing me up. I feel panic set in as I even think about looking for a daycare. There's not going to be anyone good enough, that's just the bottom line. I am her Mama, she needs me & frankly, I need her.

Also, I just feel like my life is out of my control. Financially, we're just barely keeping our head above water, thanks to my amazing hubby being grossly underpaid at the job he held for 5 years, and my being on Maternity Leave since last May. It's overwhelming. I feel like some days it's swallowing me up. I get lost in the frustration & hopelessness. On my stronger days I feel like good things are just around the corner for us. I hope I'm right.

Then there's my weight. I am utterly disgusted with myself. I know that this is something within my control. I get that. I get that I am responsible for this body. I get that I have eaten my way to this. I have complete grasp of that. What I'm having a really hard time with, is the why. I don't understand why I can't get control of it. Why do I chose the chocolate bar over an apple? I know the pros & cons of both, why as an intelligent adult do I continue to make the wrong choice?

Food has been my 'friend' when I had no one else. It has been there through every up & down of my life. Every lonely depressed day I spent as a kid pretending that I wasn't picked on in school, another cookie...sure...why not? Every fight with my Mom, I wanted to eat because I just felt like I was never going to be enough anyhow. I guess I still feel that way.

I seclude myself and eat, because what if people don't like me? I talk a lot, I can be loud, I'm fat, why would anyone ever like me? I guess in my head, I'll always be the fat kid who got picked on in math class. So, for me, it's just easier to stay home & eat...I don't know how to change that.