fighting

I have been off work since Saturday January 28th.  That was the day I realized I was too tired to fight through it all.  Then the next day, I decided the same thing, then again on Monday.  I knew I needed time.  I feel like I have been fighting my depression with one hand tied behind my back.  Going to work, being a Mom, Wife & finding time to allow myself to decompress, they weren't meshing well together.  I totally understand that there are many many parents who are much busier than I am, but for me & for my capabilities, it was too much.

I returned to work full-time at the end of May 2011. I had only addressed my postpartum depression a month earlier with my Dr. Everything was a constant battle.  My new manager seemed to enjoy making me feel like I was always on the cusp of losing my job.  The daycare we found for Katie left us feeling uncertain about our choice. I was stressed out 24/7.  My manager was a complete bully.  One day she loved you, the next you were on the shit list. I was jerked around so much, and made feel like I wasn't dependable because of my family commitments.

October 17th, I started a new job. This was going to be the moment I could breathe & feel happy again.  I thought this job was going to be the cure-all.  I was wrong.  It really has nothing to do with the job or the company, both are amazing, but they can't fix me.

I'm currently off work until March 5th.  I've been keeping my girl home with me as much as I can.  She makes me feel better.  Her spirit & wonder make me smile. I need that as much as I can get it.

On the form my Dr. filled out for my work, he wrote the word 'Agoraphobia' & it took my breathe away.  I'm anxious & uncomfortable to go outside of my apartment.  I have a panic attack at the thought of going out. I used to get cabin fever if I was inside for 2 days in a row.  Until yesterday I had been inside for a week & was in no rush to get out. I've promised myself that I will force myself out in the next few days.

I feel really indifferent lately.  Not really sad, not really happy, not really anything.  When I look in the mirror, I don't think I look like myself. I'm this sullen woman with sad eyes.

I need to fight this.  I am so determined to win.

Positive thoughts, positive energy, I'm fighting with all that I have.

I am

I am broken.

Just at this moment, well about 3 minutes ago, those 3 words came out of my mouth.  I wasn't speaking to anyone, I'm alone right now.  Katie is napping & the cat is in another room.

I am broken.

The reality of that has been settling in with me the last week.  Depression has been gripping me harder than I'd like to admit.  Panic attacks come on when they want.  I am broken & I am tired.

I will, however, do everything I can to work on repairing whatever needs to be repaired within me.

I am broken
but
I am a mother
I am a wife
I am a daughter
I am a sister
I am a fighter.

It Gets Better

3 months ago my life was different than it is now.  I was in a dark place that kept getting darker.  I felt hopeless with my job.  I felt like my boss was bullying me, like I had no control over my situation, like it would never get better.  I felt trapped.  I used to wake up feeling incredibly sick, I would take bathroom breaks at work to lock myself in a stall & cry.  I was ready to ask my doctor to give me stronger anti-depressants.  Then, I took control by forcing myself to focus on the possibilities & using every ounce of positive energy I had in me for making things better.

I applied for jobs, knowing that I would absolutely find the right job for me.  The job that is going to help my family have less stress.  Then randomly out of the blue, I got an email.  An email, from a company I had actually applied with months earlier.Within 4 days of said email, I had a new job that started 4 days after I was hired.

I am so incredibly grateful for this change.  I needed it more than I even realized.

That being said, in the last 2 months, I've been experiencing panic attacks.  I've had them in the past but they were never this bad.  I know without a doubt that I can & will get through this.  Right now, however, it still sucks.  My Dr gave me anti-anxiety meds to take up to twice a day, I did that once & I was high as a kite.  I couldn't function, so now I'm only taking them when needed.  That seems to work for me, so I'll continue taking them that way.  Hopefully, before too long, I won't need them anymore.

My new schedule at work has been trying, but it also has a silver lining.  I work 4-12, Thurs-Mon.  I rarely get to see Jeff, which is so hard, but we're managing. Katie & I get 2 full days off together on my days off now, as well as most of the day on Saturday & Sunday. Three days a week, I only get to see her for an hour in the morning.  Those are the days that I dread.  She's changing so much that I don't want to miss any time with her, but Mama needs to work.

Despite all the crap, I know that it gets better & it is going to get better soon.  I feel it.  For now, I'm focusing on the things I can change, making the best of the moments that are mine & just putting my head down so I can plow through the tough days.

It gets better, Paula.  It gets better.

Green with Envy

You know, I think I'd be happier if I stopped wanting someone else's life. Wait, I love the people in my life, and wouldn't trade them, but materialistically I want other people's lives.

I spend so much time focusing on the things that we don't have, the things I want, the things we can't afford. I joke about being broke, and pretend I don't care.

I care, I care a lot. I know that we're doing the best we can with what we have. We could definitely do better, but I think we're doing fairly well. I just wish there was more to go around. I'm sure a lot of people do though.

It's weird when you become a parent how things change for you. The wants I have now are rarely for myself. I mean obviously some are, but mostly it's things I want for our girl. She never goes without, and by all means has more than enough but I still wish there was more.

As my previous entry stated...change is in the air...we'll see where it takes us

Change?

I feel tense lately. I'm not sleeping well. I'm moody & unpredictable. I'm stressed out & I have no idea why.

Today at work, it was busy. Really, really, busy. In the midst of the insanity, I got a ridiculously bad headache, and my words got a bit confused. It felt the same as the only other time that I've had a migraine, but I immediately popped some tylenol & put on my glasses, quickly I felt better. A little while later I felt like I might have a panic attack of sorts. I felt very anxious, in fact right now while typing this & recalling how I felt, I feel the same way. I feel like someone is squeezing my throat. Ok, I need to shake it off.

Wow, that was intense. Anyhow...I don't know what's going on with me. It's driving me crazy though.

I know that I need to look after myself better. I need to get exercise, some, at least...if not for me then for my little Katie Lou...my little lou lou bear...she deserves the best Mama she can have. I don't know why I can't force myself to understand that I need to change. I mean, I know it, obviously I know it, but why don't I feel like I'm enough to deserve it? Why can't I figure out a way to do this?

I feel like there's a big change coming in my life, our life soon...Something good is going to happen for us soon, maybe this is it? Maybe, getting our health back is the change...maybe, it's time for us to make it the change....

BNI

Rarely do I pat myself on the back. I'm not one to brag or promote myself at all, but hot damn I'm good at my job. I can do more things than any other regular agent in there, I'm trained in a multitude of tasks that most others can't do, and I'm proud of myself.

I, actually, really enjoy my job most days. I love that I have responsibilities beyond that of a Customer Care agent. I love that my boss came to me yesterday because she needs help in another branch of our department & asked me to help them out. I love that she knows that I'm capable of these things. I've only been back about 6 weeks & already I'm back fully in the swing of things from when I left.

I feel good about my job lately. I feel like I'm actually good at something other than being a Mom. My new (post-maternity leave) boss really seems to recognize people's strong points more. I appreciate that about her.

I get to laugh every day with a wide variety of people. We have people from early 20's to mid 60's and we manage to laugh together. It's fantastic.

I'm ok right now with my job. This makes me happy.

Worthless

I've been really down the last few days. I've tried to ignore it but the sadness is bigger & stronger than I am.

My head feels very tired. So many things spinning around. I'm trying really hard to decipher what's real from what is just my depression taking over. The line between the two is very slight & that sometimes makes it harder to think clearly.

I am so grateful for Katie, she's really the only reason I get up every day. She's the reason I haven't randomly quit my job, she's the reason I'm still alive. I, literally, owe my life to her.

I'm sitting in the lunchroom at work before my shift starts & it is taking everything in my power not to go into the bathroom & cry my face off. The sadness is gripping my every breathe, thought & movement, today. It's hard to function like this.

It's embarrassing to say this & really mean it but I feel worthless. I feel like no one likes me & why would they? I'm a bitch. Plain & simple.

My internal dialogue is extremely mean & degrading. I wish I could shut it up. I wish I felt worthy of anything good. I wish I wasn't me.

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