Stay-at-Home-Mom, I guess?

I love being a mom. This is an indisputable fact, anyone who knows me or simply sees me with Katie would know this, however being a stay-at-home Mom(SAHM) has been a challenge. I have without a doubt very often taken for granted the ability to stay home with our sweet girl.

I have had many days in the last month & a bit where I crave being among co-workers, laughing & talking about something other than Mickey Mouse, peanut butter sandwiches & poop. I long to be in the company of adults, having adult conversation but being at home, with 3 feet of attitude & a side of goofiness, isn't so darn bad.

When I was nearing the end of my maternity leave, I spent nights crying about the return to work. How could I possibly let anyone else look after my sweet child. How could I give up those hugs & kisses. I was almost inconsolable over the idea of going back to my job I loathed, to work 4 weeks & really only bring home pay for 2 because of the cost of daycare. I hated it all. I was so depressed.

Fast forward just under 2 years, I'm no longer depressed. I no longer have a job I loathe, I'm doing what I longed to do. I guess it's just not exactly what I expected. I'm not exactly what I expected. I had grandiose visions of being some Pinterest crazy mom, who actually does that stuff. I thought I would bake with Katie, do fun crafts. I don't really do any of those things.  We read, sing, play & learn together. The TV is always on, it's not always watched but it is always on.  I know it takes away from my candidacy for Mom-of-the-Year, but it's the truth. I can say with confidence that Dora has taught Katie things I would never have thought to teach her.  Hello, counting to 5 in Spanish!?! I assure you, I had nothing to do with that! Yay, Dora!

In the last week I've been noticing all of the Mom's on my Facebook & Twitter. I think of them going to their day jobs, rushing around in the morning to get their kid(s) awake, fed, clean, out the door, possible daycare drop offs, then to work, spending the day doing what all moms do, multi-tasking, your brain never allowed to focus too long on anything without thinking about how your kid(s) are doing, then you have to make sure once again they're fed & clean, possible activities, maybe homework, and then hopefully bed.  I hated that! I hate the idea of it. It makes me antsy. I want to be home with Katie as much as I can, I think it's good for her & I know it's good for me.  I will though, make an effort to find a part-time job soon &send her to daycare a day or two a week. That will be great for both of us. I look forward to it.

I feel very grateful that I have been able to stay home when I physically & mentally needed it most. I believe firmly that the Universe knows what it's doing. I'll figure this career thing out eventually, until then I'm a stay-at-home-mom & proud of it!

I'm not that girl

Today, I was showing Katie my baby pictures, at the back of the album were these 4 pictures.  Prom 1996. It wasn't my prom, but that of my very platonic friend.  If you look closely, you'll notice something in all 4 photos, I have my arms covering my stomach.  Also, if you look closely, you'll notice I wasn't that big. I was about 175lbs, 5'8, a bit chubby at best.  I felt immediately saddened for that girl.  I remember being that girl. So very vividly.  She was so insecure. She felt so out of place & really thought no boy would ever love her.

As a teenager, I really didn't feel like I was ever good enough.  I didn't have any sense of style, I hung out in the band room (I love all my band friends, but we all know we weren't the 'cool' kids), I was flunking math, science and anything else that didn't interest me & I was fat.  Soooo incredibly fat!!! Except, I wasn't.

I wasn't fat.  I wasn't stupid.  I wasn't uncool.  The thing is, it has taken me until now to realize that.

I am at the beginning of what I believe to be the biggest change of my life.  Less than 2 weeks ago, Jeff & I started living a healthier life. We've been watching what we eat, he has been walking a lot, I go sometimes, and it feels really great.  Neither of us feel like we're giving up much.  It feels good to care about myself & my Katherine enough to do this. I fully believe I'm getting mentally stronger because of it, as well.

For someone who believes so strongly in the power of positive thought, I have been sucking in & blowing out a lot of negative energy the last little while. I guess I have been realizing lately that because I'm not by nature, a super happy-go-lucky person, I need to be more aware of the energy I put out. I want great things, so I have to put out great energy! Bottom line.

I wish the girl in those pictures knew then what I know now about life.  I know everyone says it, but when you have the first real moment where you realize what you've been through in your life & how proud you should be sometimes just for being here, breathing, living & loving.  My god....I wish I had of known then what I know now.

I think I would've taken the right things much more seriously. I would not have been such a self-conscious follower, because really, look at me; I have blue hair, I am not a follower. I thought I needed approval from people then that now, I wouldn't be upset if they never spoke to me again because I am stronger than I ever knew I could be.

I spent a lot of years feeling weak & unimportant.  I really thought that every person I ever encountered would think of me as a hateful bitch. Now, I cannot even fathom how many years of my life I spent believing that. I didn't think anyone would like me. Even when I had friends, mostly through work, I never really let anyone in, because I didn't believe they would ever really like me if they knew me. I'm a hateful bitch. Except, I'm not.

I'm not any of the things that my really vicious internal dialogue has been telling me for as long as I can even remember. It's funny the things you remember from your childhood; at the forefront of my brain is one time when I was at a friend's place & her older brother made fun of me by saying I had 'gummy lips'.  I remember thinking it was such a horrible thing, it stuck with me, until recently when I've realized that women pay money for lips like these! Mine were free!  Buh-Bye silly voice in my head!

I'm beginning to feel this fire inside me, I feel strong & confident. The old voices telling me how fat my legs are, how embarrassed I should be for showing them in public, the ones telling me how much people won't like me at first sight because I have foolish hair or because I'm a hateful bitch, they're going away.

I'm not that girl anymore, I'm twice as old now as I was then. I'm glad that even though it has taken way too long, the sadness & fears that she held are becoming less and less mine. It feels good to love yourself.  Who knew?

I like Garth, he likes Elvis....

Yesterday, he sent me a facebook message asking me to read over a letter of appeal based on his settlement amount for the class action Mirapex law suit.  I read over it & it brought back memories of a time when I thought I was going to lose him.  I thought his life would end because I knew he was spiraling out of control but I didn't realize it was his medication, I was & am 800kms away, so I had no idea at the time what he was up against.

My best friend, my friendship soul mate, my one person who is more real with me sometimes than even Jeff is because he doesn't have to live with me, my Robbie.

For those of you who don't know 'my' Robbie, we have been close since we met, best friends for most of it. I was 15, he was 17 when we first met.  I fell madly in teenage love with this wacky, loud, impulsive, attention drawing, Elvis loving teenage boy.  I saw beneath the layers of  'look at me' somehow or other, and I knew that we were meant to be...I thought then that I was meant to fall in love with him, he was going to become a famous singer, we were going to live in a mansion on a hill. Oh, the mind of a smitten 15 year old! In reality, we were meant to be the absolute best of friends.  We were meant to be there for each other no matter what terrifying shit life was going to throw at us.  We were meant to have such a bond that 7 years of not seeing each other meant nothing, and in 2 seconds we were back to being us.

Robbie was diagnosed with early onset Parkinson's Disease when he was 27 or 28, he's now 35 & has had to deal with more than any person should.  It's bad enough to find out at such a young age that your brain & body are fighting against what you want to be able to do, but then to end up taking a drug that is supposed to help you & ends up doing anything but.

Mirapex caused Robbie to become a person he isn't, it made him compulsive, it made him lie, it made him someone I didn't want to be friends with because I didn't know what was really happening.  He pawned all of his musical equipment to use for drugs & sex, anyone who knows Robbie Tucker, knows that this is NOT  him.  This is not the person he has ever been. He cheated on his partner, he would wander late at night looking for hook ups, he thought claiming he could raise 1 million dollars for the Parkinson's Society of Canada was a rational amount.  He was clearly, not in his right mind.  It was unnerving & terrifying. How he survived that period of time is beyond me.

Fast forward to today, Robbie is amazing.  He is down right inspiring.  He took charge of his life, he got a new neurologist, when his Mirapex prescribing one told him that he simply was bi-polar & needed more meds, instead of taking him seriously with his concerns.  He is deeply into yoga, clean eating & is amazing in the kitchen. He is now The Healthy Bitch, and makes lots of different healthy snacks that he sells at the yoga studio he attends. He volunteers at a food kitchen, he bikes anywhere that he can, he loves life in a way I don't think he ever has.

He amazes me, he challenges me, he makes me feel guilty for being such a lazy schmuck who has a body that works just fine but doesn't get used ever.  He makes me want to be a healthy bitch too!

Robbie, makes me more proud that he'll ever know.  I went from being a teenager in  puppy love to a best friend who loves him so deeply & unconditionally, I cannot imagine my life without Robbie Tucker. He isn't just my friend, he is absolutely my family.

As I was saying when I started this entry, yesterday Robbie asked me to look over his letter of appeal on the settlement offered to him. I won't get into exact specifics but to be offered less than a thousand dollars for the damage done to his life makes me angry.  His life could have been lost because of the side effects of this medication, and the amount offered to him is like a slap in the face.  I, truly hope that Robbie & all others who have had to deal with the insurmountable financial & personal loss are compensated properly, however that may be.

Robbie Tucker, I am so incredible proud to even know you, I can't imagine how I got so lucky to be your best friend for life.  You are such an inspiring, strong & innovative human being.  I look forward to watching us as we grow old & get more bitter with life & each other! I look forward to watching you kick Parkinson's ass & never giving in, because we both know that you are the ABSOLUTE most stubborn person ever!

Peener loves you Toilet man!! Go laugh in the face of poop or Parkinson's or something......

This was Christmas formal 1994, I was 15, he was 17.

Struggles & Pink Hair

Some days, I still struggle.  Some days, I still feel down. Some days, I feel unsettled. This week, I've been experiencing all of this.  I don't know why.  I just know that it will pass.  I just have to work hard to get myself out of it.  These feelings don't scare me anymore.  They used to shame me. I felt less than, because I have this amazing daughter, I mean really, she's a superstar, well, she's my superstar.  I have such a wonderful husband & father in my life.

Why was I falling apart? Why?

I found out why.  Everyone has a breaking point.  Everyone.  When you get to your breaking point, you start having panic attacks.  You see non-threatening things as being threatening.  Your 'fight or flight' instincts kick in, but because there is no threat, you have a panic attack.  Finding out this information has made me realize that I can & absolutely will get better.

I'm still anxious every single day.  Every single time we leave the apartment to go to an appointment, to get groceries, or simply to my parents' house, I get anxious. It feels so silly when you write it down.  My parents house.  The house that I grew up in, I lived there until I was 24, it was my home.  Why would I ever be anxious? What a wacky disorder to have.

Despite my anxiety, I am so much happier being my true self now.  I have pink hair.  I have (sorry mom & dad) mother fucking pink hair!!!! Can you stinking believe it?! SO fun!!! I spent so much time in my life worrying about what people would think of me.  Will they like me, they probably think I'm a bitch, I need to cover up my fat body because it may offend them, I need to look the role of a mom.  All things I've thought.  All things I still struggle with.

 My internal dialogue is pretty rough some days, but I know that it's wrong.  I'm not the person I expect other people to think I am.  Also, that's pretty bold of me, to think I know what people think.  Seriously, why do I think these people two flying frigs about me? Frig, I just realized how ridiculous it all is.  I'm a fat chick, who doesn't want to spend one more summer entirely in jeans.  Like it or lump it.  Also, you may see a variety of shades in my hair over the next few months, possibly an eyebrow piercing & a new tattoo.  Just saying that I'm working on doing the things that feel like me...it's pretty dang liberating to be frank.

Revelations

This week has brought upon me, many realizations & revelations.  The greatest of these is how at peace my soul is now.  My heart is happy.  I feel at ease.  I feel so loved. I'm home.

I'm 33 years old.  I'm a Stay-at-home Mom, right now, to incredible, amazing, funny, sweet, inquisitive, spunky, almost 2, Katie Lou.  I'm wife to such an incredible man. Katie & I are so lucky to have Jeff. He loves us like a real man should. He's proud of his family & we're proud of him.  I have parents who really would give us the shirts off their backs if we even suggested that we needed them.  They love the 3 of us so fiercely that I can't even begin to explain to them how thankful we are.  I appreciate my parents so much more after being home this last month, than I ever have in all my 33 years.  

I have a brother who is my best friend.  He really is.  There are 10.5 years between Scott & I, yet, we're equal in our relationship.  We went from protective big brother, to being protective of each other. I love that we both know that if one of us needs the other, there is no time of day that we aren't there for one another. We also call each other on our shit. If I'm being an idiot, he tells me, if he's being stupid, I tell him.  It has to be that way to be in an adult sibling relationship. No matter what though, after being angry or upset with each other, we always, always know that we love each other.  He's my best friend.

I also just realized this week, how much I love & need my Mom.  I don't have the words to tell her when I talk to her.  So, I know she will read this at some point. Mom, I love you.  I love our time together. I love watching you with Katie. I love you. I love you. I love you.  PS...I'm sorry I'm so bitchy sometimes, it's a work in progress for me too....

I feel inner strength in Miramichi that I have been lacking for quite some time.  I feel like I can fight my anxiety here.  I feel anxious most times I go out still, but the difference here is that I still go out. I didn't do that in Moncton, but here, at home, I feel like I have more support. I mean, I got my permit. I still haven't driven, but just having the piece of plastic in my wallet is a huge leap for me.

I feel more confident now that we've returned to Miramichi as well.  I do my hair, put on make-up, try to accessorize so that I can look good when I'm out. With that said, I have a new if you don't like me, don't look at me, attitude! I've decided that my tree trunk legs & flabby arms are mine to accept & love.  I need to embrace my body as it is, and realize that I'm really okay as I am.  I plan to wear capris, tank tops, skirts & I'm even planning on getting brave & buying a bathing suit.  I'm going to make the conscious decision to not care what other people think about me.

I'm going to be outside this summer.  I'm going to be active, sweaty & happy.  I'm going to run around with our Katie. I'm going to dig in the dirt with her. I'm going to enjoy our time together.

I'm happy to feel so happy.  I'm happy to be able to realize the wonderful opportunities that are being given to us.  I'm just so grateful. 

Home

I haven't been feeling so hot the last two weeks.  My back was really bad for a little over a week, the move was stressful, I've been taking my pills at different times every day, I'm beyond exhausted all of the time.  Tomorrow I'm going to call the day clinic to get an appointment to get a refill on my pills & hopefully get some blood work done.  I think my B12 is probably just low, but we'll see, could just be all the stress of the last month finally catching up with me.

I like being home.  It feels right.  Although, I do forget almost on a daily basis that we aren't in Moncton anymore.  It's weird. I forget that we can't just run to Champlain Place on a whim because we're bored or that Second Cup is no longer an option for yummy lattes.  Those are the things I miss the most so far.  I made very few real friends in Moncton, I made a lot of acquaintances, and met a lot of great people. Very few real friends though.  So, I'm hoping Miramichi will be a way for me to get back to being the girl with friends who loves to have fun & do stuff.  Except now, I'm also a mother & wife.  I'm fairly certain that I'm a much improved version of the Paula who left Miramichi 8 years ago.

I feel more confident in who I am.  I have learned a lot about myself in the last 8 years.  The person I let myself become, the faults I had, the mistakes I made, some bigger than others, but each a lesson.  I, also,have learned how damn strong I am.  I have learned to be a great mother.  I have learned to be a better wife. I have learned to be a better & more free me.

I am perfectly fine with the person that I am.  I know the person I can become though, and that is who I am striving to become.

I am more shocked than I care to admit to make the next statement, but I truly believe Miramichi holds our chance at a great life.

Life is good.  I'm grateful. I'm so so lucky.  Life is good.

BNI

Rarely do I pat myself on the back. I'm not one to brag or promote myself at all, but hot damn I'm good at my job. I can do more things than any other regular agent in there, I'm trained in a multitude of tasks that most others can't do, and I'm proud of myself.

I, actually, really enjoy my job most days. I love that I have responsibilities beyond that of a Customer Care agent. I love that my boss came to me yesterday because she needs help in another branch of our department & asked me to help them out. I love that she knows that I'm capable of these things. I've only been back about 6 weeks & already I'm back fully in the swing of things from when I left.

I feel good about my job lately. I feel like I'm actually good at something other than being a Mom. My new (post-maternity leave) boss really seems to recognize people's strong points more. I appreciate that about her.

I get to laugh every day with a wide variety of people. We have people from early 20's to mid 60's and we manage to laugh together. It's fantastic.

I'm ok right now with my job. This makes me happy.