Music

I, like most people, am a lover of music. I don't really have a single genre of music that makes me feel the most at ease or happy, I love different things for different moods.

I love to dance, so pop music with a great beat & catchy repetitive easy lyrics appeal to me. So many pop songs have a great memory attached to them for me, whether the songs are great or not is definitely up for debate however. I'm not someone who would ever argue that pop music is an art form by any means. I just like how much it makes me want to move & for me that's what it is good for. I think it's unfortunate though, in this day & age, anyone who can sing slightly in tune & has a pretty face can become a pop singer with finely tuned background tracks & digital effects.

I, also, will own up to loving country music. Not so much any newer artists, but 90's country has a place in my heart forever. I love me some Garth Brooks!! Be still my heart! I know, I know...I should be hanging my head in shame for that statement, but I can't help it. Garth Brooks is my favourite singer and he has been since I was 14. I grew up loving all things 90's country, because of my adoration of Garth, so I have a lot of memories tied to it. Right or wrong, it is what it is.

My real joy in music is finding a new to me artist who isn't widely popular. I'm a real sucker for the singer/songwriter types. I love Shawn Mullins, Amos Lee, Serena Ryder and now Ray LaMontagne. People the average person may not be listening to. I love hearing a great singer tell a story in the form of a song. It brings me pure unadulterated joy. One of my favourite songs is by Shawn Mullins, "Twin Rocks, Oregon", when I hear it I more often than not close my eyes & sing along off key at the top of my lungs. It brings me a sense of happy that cannot even be explained.

I don't know how I'd get through my life without music. It has helped me to get through so many things. As someone who loves to write, I usually have to have music playing while I do so. The silence is daunting & non-inspiring, whereas music opens my heart & soul, it allows the words to flow, the feelings to come to the surface & the reality of my emotions to be expressed.

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. ~Berthold Auerbach

Fear

Fear is a terrible thing. I know everyone has some sort of fear in their lives, but I'm fairly certain that I am afraid of more things than the average person. I tend to be a bit irrational when it comes to being afraid.

I am afraid first & foremost of sharks. The idea of sharks sends a bit of a shiver up my spine. I don't watch anything, including commercials with sharks. They terrify me, and this is where I get irrational, I'm also afraid of cruise ships because in part of my fear of sharks. I have this extremely hypothetical & extremely unlikely scenario in my head that if I were to ever be on a cruise ship it could sink, and maybe there wouldn't be enough life boats and I'd then be in the water surrounded by sharks. I know logically that if these things were to actually happen, then it's really just my time to go, but I figure if I avoid cruise ships altogether it lessens my chances.

I'm afraid of driving, therefore I do not drive. This is a fear that angers me. I am an intelligent, capable woman; so why am I afraid of doing something that most people do?

I'm also afraid of the dark. The blinds on my windows are closed at night, I don't go outside by myself, I'm absolutely a big baby about it all.

I don't do scary movies & don't even think about getting me to sit through a preview for one. I close my eyes, cover my ears & Jeff tells me when it's over. Yes, I know, very mature.

I'm afraid to trust most people now too, I'm afraid to let myself be vulnerable & make new friends. I've had too many people in my life let me down, more than my fair share if you ask me. So, now I have acquaintances & a very very few real friends. This is the fear that saddens me the most & has the biggest effect on me.

My mind is my biggest enemy when it comes to fear, as it is with everyone, but in the midst of being afraid I actually think, 'there's nothing to be afraid of, it's all in your head', then I continue to be afraid.

I hope I don't pass these things on to my daughter, it isn't fun to be so afraid of everything & know that you really have no reason to feel that way. If she has fear in her life I want it to be of real things, not silly hypothetical situations & things she can very easily accomplish if she slowed her mind down a bit.


"The key to change is to let go of fear" - Roseanne Cash

I hope it's not too late for actual change

There are things in life of which I am certain, one is that a Mother's love is deeper & more intense than any other emotion ever. Words don't even do it justice. I have felt love & protectiveness that I didn't know was possible since having Katie. I miss her on weekends when Jeff gets up with her overnight & seeing her face in the morning is the happiest part of my day.

Something else I know for sure is that being a Mother is something that no one can ever prepare you for. You can read every book available, you can talk to other Mothers, you can take prenatal courses, none of it 'really' matters. When your child cries from hunger, fear or tiredness; books, other mothers & courses aren't going to help you. You learn as you go, you learn what works for you & your child. Also, nothing and no one can ever in a million years prepare you for the sleep deprivation. Everyone tells you -get your rest now, you'll need it- they mean it. I had no idea how little sleep I would actually be living on for the first weeks & months of Katie's life. Even still now she doesn't sleep through the night, so I'm tired most days. It's a huge adjustment, and other than the never ending responsibility of being a parent, its the biggest adjustment for me so far.

I realized today with an unwavering certainty that up to this point, I'm doing a good job at being Katie's Mama. I'm not one to boast or brag, and I don't even take compliments well, but I know deep down that I'm doing a good job. She is happy, she is healthy & she is loved, what more could my beautiful baby girl need??

As I'm writing this, I'm intermittently flipping to facebook to read the wonderful comments left by our friends & family for our first family pictures. It makes me so happy to finally have 'family' pictures. I never thought we'd have a child, so little things like pictures of us with her lifts my spirits & warms my heart.

Life is so good...

poems

I love writing, it's a part of who I am, it allows me to get whatever I'm feeling off my chest. I used to write a lot of poems, which is something I haven't done in a very,very long time. So, I thought I'd post some of my old poems here on my blog in hopes of getting my creative juices flowing again.

I wrote the first two about my dearest & oldest friend, Robbie, who in his late 20's was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. He's one of the strongest people I know.

Knows Me

Friends come and go in life

Few stay with you forever

I am among the lucky

With my forever friend

Another soul in this world

Knowing me inside and out

Music man, sing your song

Loudly, boldly

Free and wild

I love the music man

His music heart

His music soul

He sees in me things others don’t

I like his version better

He knows my moods

He knows my tones

He knows me

Knows me

Knows me

And

Loves me still

Free

Loving this life

Singing, dancing

Free

The songwriter

Writes

Composes

Loves

His soul soars

Free again

At home

His happy tones

Make my day

Brighten my world

Give me hope

Knowing he’s back

Challenges me

To be better

To strive for more

The songwriter

Was silent but

That’s no longer so

Loving this life

Singing, Dancing

Free

Free

Free

These two are rather self explanatory...I wrote them at a bad point in my life

Angry

Sitting, staring at a blank ‘page’

Wondering if words will flow from my fingers

Like tears down my face

So much hurt inside

Angry with the world

But more with myself

Bad choices

Wrong turns

To err is human…

But how much is too much…

Angry

So angry

Feeling like everything is beyond me

Beyond my control

Beyond my thoughts

Beyond my might

Wanting to change it

Wanting to be happy

I spend so much time wanting

Wanting

Wanting & being angry

So Angry….

Sadness

Sadness once a familiar friend

Now most days it can’t get in

Can’t break through,

My wall of happiness

Today…..

I left the gate open

In walked my familiar friend

Sit, stay, have a snack

I welcomed him in

Embraced him

Felt safe with him

Very soon he and I will dance

Round and round

To a melancholic tune

Then as he should

He’ll leave me again

Until then I remember

My dance with my familiar friend

This one is pretty long, and is just basically about how I see the world...

Peace & Love

Anger surrounds me
Frustration too so clear
Indifference, Indifference
Drowning in Indifference

Why don’t they care?
Shouldn’t they care?
I do, I do
Will you care with me?

Friend come with me
Hold my hand
We’ll walk through a field
Look at the beauty around us

Friend come with me
Hold my hand
We’ll walk through a field
Look at what we’re doing

I don’t know what to do
How do I make them see
This world is ours
We destroy it
We desert it
We abandon it

Fix yourself Mother Earth
Mother Nature….

Fight your wars
While we create our own
Peace big brother
Peace my mother
Peace little sister
Peace my father….

Peace, Peace,
Is there such a thing
Peace, Peace,
I’m scared it doesn’t exist

Indifference, Indifference
Drowning in Indifference

Don’t you care?
Come care with me…
Won’t you come and care with me?

Break down the walls
FIGHT FIGHT!!!
Fight for peace…
Fight with words
Fight with attitudes
Fight with ideas

Throw down your guns
Throw out your arms….
Love big brother
Love my Mother
Love little sister
Love my father

Peace and love
Oh peace and love

Idealistic but true
It can happen if we make it
It can happen if we allow it

Peace and love
Peace and love

My true ideals
Peace and love…

So that's it for now.....I think I after reading through a bunch of my poems I've found some inspiration to write again....