Trying my best

October 6, 2015 Jeff & I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary at the hospital by welcoming our son into the world.

It has been a wild 17 weeks to say the least. I had forgotten how much sleep deprivation hurts. You get to the point where you are so tired that you're nauseous but still you trudge along because you have no choice.

I fought a hard battle with postpartum depression & anxiety after I had Katie. I wanted to believe I could avoid that this time, but I was wrong.

Currently, I'm in the midst of postpartum depression, my anxiety has been flaring up & I hate it. 

This time I knew the signs & symptoms though, I knew how bad it could get if I tried to pretend I'm not feeling this way and also, this time I refuse go down without a fight.

There are many days when I just want to shut the world out. I don't want to talk on the phone or text anyone, but I tell myself at least texting is quiet.. There are days when my anxiety kicks me so hard that I'm short fused & snippy with Katie for just being a 5 yr old, but when I realize I'm wrong I apologize to her & we snuggle. There are days when the thought of leaving the house makes me uneasy, so I try to get dressed & go.

Having two kids has been a huge adjustment, especially since they both want to be on me a lot of the time. I miss personal space. I miss the quiet. I miss feeling like I've got a grip on thing.

I'll beat this depression again, I have confidence that will happen. Right now though - I'm just trying my best.

Catch me.

This carousel spins round 'n round
My head spins too

The horses go up & down
Like the ebb & flow of my emotions

Hanging on tightly to the reins
For fear of falling

If I fall...
I just can't

Hanging on tighter still
Refusing to fall

How long does this carousel spin
Because I'm done with this fear

I loosen my grip
Knowing if I fall, he's there to catch me.

And that makes all the difference.

There are things in life of which I am certain, one is that a Mother's love is deeper & more intense than any other emotion ever. Words don't even do it justice. I have felt love & protectiveness that I didn't know was possible since having Katie. I miss her on weekends when Jeff gets up with her overnight & seeing her face in the morning is the happiest part of my day.

Something else I know for sure is that being a Mother is something that no one can ever prepare you for. You can read every book available, you can talk to other Mothers, you can take prenatal courses, none of it 'really' matters. When your child cries from hunger, fear or tiredness; books, other mothers & courses aren't going to help you. You learn as you go, you learn what works for you & your child. Also, nothing and no one can ever in a million years prepare you for the sleep deprivation. Everyone tells you -get your rest now, you'll need it- they mean it. I had no idea how little sleep I would actually be living on for the first weeks & months of Katie's life. Even still now she doesn't sleep through the night, so I'm tired most days. It's a huge adjustment, and other than the never ending responsibility of being a parent, its the biggest adjustment for me so far.

I realized today with an unwavering certainty that up to this point, I'm doing a good job at being Katie's Mama. I'm not one to boast or brag, and I don't even take compliments well, but I know deep down that I'm doing a good job. She is happy, she is healthy & she is loved, what more could my beautiful baby girl need??

As I'm writing this, I'm intermittently flipping to facebook to read the wonderful comments left by our friends & family for our first family pictures. It makes me so happy to finally have 'family' pictures. I never thought we'd have a child, so little things like pictures of us with her lifts my spirits & warms my heart.

Life is so good...

Precious Girl

As the big day draws nearer, I find I'm spending more time daydreaming about our girl. What will she look like, will she have hair, will she have my nose or my ears, maybe she'll have long eyelashes like both her Daddy & I. I picture her in my head & wonder if she is anything like I expect her to be, or if she'll look completely different and surprise me. I'm expecting a baby with big dark eyes & a head full of dark hair, but who knows, maybe she'll have red hair & blue eyes, it's not impossible with our genes.

I also spend a lot of time wondering about how I'll be as a first time mother. Will I have the patience I need, the ability to know how to soothe her & take care of her?? It's all so overwhelming & wonderfully exciting.

I'm now 9 months pregnant, 36 wks....so any day now our girl could show up. I'm so looking forward to just laying my eyes on her & knowing that she's ours. She is our daughter, our new purpose in life will be to ensure her happiness & safety, and I cannot wait for this journey to begin.

Right now I'm sitting in my chair with my feet up as the Doctor instructed, I have our balcony door open, Muffin is laying by the door, my little princess is moving around in my tummy, and the tears of pure happiness are streaming down my face. I don't know what I did in life to deserve such happiness, but I am grateful for it.

Many people have asked me if I'm afraid of giving birth, and maybe I'm naive to say no, but I'm not afraid of the act of giving birth at all really. I'm more afraid of raising a child, of being responsible for someone other than myself, of being her everything for the first years of her precious life, but somehow, I know I'm capable of doing a good job of it. I don't know what makes me believe that I can do this & do it well, but I just know that I can.

Less than 4 weeks until my due date....I can't wait to meet you precious girl....your Mama loves you!