She'll never have friends with a weird mom like me.

Two weeks ago I stepped outside my comfort zone - way outside. I sent Facebook inbox messages to two moms that I know a bit, inviting each of them over with their daughters for a play date with Katie & I. One mom replied that she'd love to, the other mom (who was online a lot that day & I know saw the message) didn't even bother to reply.

I set up & had a wonderful play date with the mother who did reply but for two weeks the mother who didn't reply has been on my mind. A constant barrage of unanswered & often irrational questions & thoughts. Why didn't she reply? What about me doesn't she like? Am I always going to cost Katie friends? I'm definitely going to be the reason she doesn't have friends. Why can't I just be like everyone else? Poor Katie, why does she have to have such a weird mother? I wish I was just normal.

I, honestly, expect to be the reason she doesn't have certain friends in her lifetime.

I am not your average person, most definitely not your average Miramichier & I know that. I tend to think outside the box more than most people. I try hard not to judge people on their outer shell, because all too often it really is just a shell & once you crack it, there's so much beauty. I believe passionately in equality & justice. I get fired up over injustice & judgment. I'm a hippie, I know people have their ideas about what a hippie is, but in my soul, that's just who I am. I wear bright clothes, I talk too loudly, I swear too much, I don't believe in god but I believe it's your right to if you so choose, I think all love is equal, babies need love not parents of both genders, I am pro-choice & that doesn't mean I'm pro-abortion, Climate change is happening, SCIENCE MATTERS, marijuana shouldn't be illegal & Americans need better gun control.

There are people in my life that I have plenty of reasons to hate but there is no single person that I actually hate. Not one. I believe to hate is to actually wish ill for another person or to be happy if something unfortunate were to happen to them, I don't have anyone in my life like that. I can't hold hate in my heart. That's not saying that there aren't people I dislike a lot, people I never want to be around EVER but I don't hate them.

For two weeks, these have been the thoughts in my head, I've been reviewing what I believe, am I too vocal about it, should I tone down who I am, maybe I should talk less about being atheist or maybe anyone who doesn't like me for who I am can kiss my ass?? Yeah, we're going to go with the latter. That was the grand conclusion of my two weeks of soul searching.

I like who I am, I like the person I'm becoming, I like the lessons I'm teaching my daughter & the person she's becoming as a result. So what if I don't believe in god - I believe in right & wrong, I'm pro-choice - you don't have to choose to have an abortion, I'm 100%  for gay rights - chances are someone you love is gay & you just don't know it, legalizing marijuana - people are going to buy & smoke it either way but only one is good for the economy. I like making up silly songs about everything I do, I like dancing randomly in public & not caring at all, I like not being so wrapped up in what other people think because their opinions of me do not matter.

Hindsight has shown me that the mom who didn't reply did me a huge favour, I went from feeling really terrible about myself for not being accepted by her to realizing that it's okay because I truly like who I am & the values I have.

She's still on my Facebook & may very well see this after I share it but I don't care either way. Hopefully she'll realize that basic etiquette can go a long way.

Stay-at-Home-Mom, I guess?

I love being a mom. This is an indisputable fact, anyone who knows me or simply sees me with Katie would know this, however being a stay-at-home Mom(SAHM) has been a challenge. I have without a doubt very often taken for granted the ability to stay home with our sweet girl.

I have had many days in the last month & a bit where I crave being among co-workers, laughing & talking about something other than Mickey Mouse, peanut butter sandwiches & poop. I long to be in the company of adults, having adult conversation but being at home, with 3 feet of attitude & a side of goofiness, isn't so darn bad.

When I was nearing the end of my maternity leave, I spent nights crying about the return to work. How could I possibly let anyone else look after my sweet child. How could I give up those hugs & kisses. I was almost inconsolable over the idea of going back to my job I loathed, to work 4 weeks & really only bring home pay for 2 because of the cost of daycare. I hated it all. I was so depressed.

Fast forward just under 2 years, I'm no longer depressed. I no longer have a job I loathe, I'm doing what I longed to do. I guess it's just not exactly what I expected. I'm not exactly what I expected. I had grandiose visions of being some Pinterest crazy mom, who actually does that stuff. I thought I would bake with Katie, do fun crafts. I don't really do any of those things.  We read, sing, play & learn together. The TV is always on, it's not always watched but it is always on.  I know it takes away from my candidacy for Mom-of-the-Year, but it's the truth. I can say with confidence that Dora has taught Katie things I would never have thought to teach her.  Hello, counting to 5 in Spanish!?! I assure you, I had nothing to do with that! Yay, Dora!

In the last week I've been noticing all of the Mom's on my Facebook & Twitter. I think of them going to their day jobs, rushing around in the morning to get their kid(s) awake, fed, clean, out the door, possible daycare drop offs, then to work, spending the day doing what all moms do, multi-tasking, your brain never allowed to focus too long on anything without thinking about how your kid(s) are doing, then you have to make sure once again they're fed & clean, possible activities, maybe homework, and then hopefully bed.  I hated that! I hate the idea of it. It makes me antsy. I want to be home with Katie as much as I can, I think it's good for her & I know it's good for me.  I will though, make an effort to find a part-time job soon &send her to daycare a day or two a week. That will be great for both of us. I look forward to it.

I feel very grateful that I have been able to stay home when I physically & mentally needed it most. I believe firmly that the Universe knows what it's doing. I'll figure this career thing out eventually, until then I'm a stay-at-home-mom & proud of it!

More than Enough

She dances around me all day long. Her soft brown locks joyfully bouncing with her every move. She amazes me.  I, often, sit and watch her. Observe her playful ways.  The expressions she makes when her favourite character of the moment does something silly or scary. The slight eye covering when she's a bit fearful of what is coming next. She is mine for sure.  She is his for sure, as well.  Such an amazing little combination of character traits and flaws too.

She counts to twelve regularly now, she once counted backwards from 5, and finished it with an exuberant 'BLASTOFF!'. She teaches me how to be silly again.  I run around my home pretending to be someone who enjoys running,  just to hear her squeals of delight, her little happy shrieks & 'MAMA! waiiit!'. She knows her colours, but more often than not will confuse pink & purple. My little love bug.

She has such a soft, kind heart. I worry for her. I used to be like that.  If we cough, she needs to know we're ok, no matter what room we're in. If she knows someone is sad, sick or has just a simple headache, she will mention it more times than you can ever count. She mentions it with pure concern though, and I worry about her.

She really is such a wonderful little ray of sunshine. Grammy sings her that song, along with many others. She loves it, she loves her. It is such an amazing gift to be able to watch my mother & daughter embrace like they do. Grammy crouches down, Katie runs for her, they connect, my heart swells. Every single time. She loves her Poppy too. Oh, so much!  She loves to take him by the hand & drag him around to show him things. Silly Poppy!!  It's just such a gift, there is no other word.

If I had nothing else to be thankful for in my life, she would be enough.  She is always more than enough & I plan to make sure she always knows that.  Our gift from the Universe, so smart, sweet & beautiful.  Always, sweet Katherine, you will be more than enough.

Four days.

Four days. Four days.

I'm nervous. I'm anxious. I'm worried. I'm sad.  I'm a normal amount of all of those things.  That's a first in a long time. In four days, I return to work. In four days, I test myself. In four days, life returns to 'normal'. In four days, I will realize that I'm strong & capable. 

I haven't worked since January 27th.  I will have been off exactly 40 days when I return to work.  40 amazing, life changing days.  

When I went on leave, I was so inexplicably not myself.  I listened to Violin by Amos Lee repeatedly like it was my anthem. It felt as if that song came from my soul.  I wanted to be saved. I wanted someone to rescue me from my sadness.Then, 3 people did. My Jeff, My Katie & Myself. Together, the 3 of us can do anything.  

I am so incredibly lucky. I am so incredibly grateful to the Universe for both of them. The love they give me every single day, well, it's nothing short of life saving.  

I feel as if I am so much stronger than I ever realized that I am.  I am capable. I am emotional. I am fierce. I can really do anything that I need to do. I'm feeling rather amazing the last few days.  I've turned into some messed up, domesticated crazy lady.  It's a great feeling!

So, in four days.  I'm hoping this great feeling follows me to work.  I'm hoping it reassures me that I can do anything.  I know it's going to be so hard.  I'm going to miss Katie & Jeff so much, but I know that I can get through it.  I'm stronger than I realize.  I need to keep repeating that. I don't need to be saved anymore.  I've saved myself.

There are things in life of which I am certain, one is that a Mother's love is deeper & more intense than any other emotion ever. Words don't even do it justice. I have felt love & protectiveness that I didn't know was possible since having Katie. I miss her on weekends when Jeff gets up with her overnight & seeing her face in the morning is the happiest part of my day.

Something else I know for sure is that being a Mother is something that no one can ever prepare you for. You can read every book available, you can talk to other Mothers, you can take prenatal courses, none of it 'really' matters. When your child cries from hunger, fear or tiredness; books, other mothers & courses aren't going to help you. You learn as you go, you learn what works for you & your child. Also, nothing and no one can ever in a million years prepare you for the sleep deprivation. Everyone tells you -get your rest now, you'll need it- they mean it. I had no idea how little sleep I would actually be living on for the first weeks & months of Katie's life. Even still now she doesn't sleep through the night, so I'm tired most days. It's a huge adjustment, and other than the never ending responsibility of being a parent, its the biggest adjustment for me so far.

I realized today with an unwavering certainty that up to this point, I'm doing a good job at being Katie's Mama. I'm not one to boast or brag, and I don't even take compliments well, but I know deep down that I'm doing a good job. She is happy, she is healthy & she is loved, what more could my beautiful baby girl need??

As I'm writing this, I'm intermittently flipping to facebook to read the wonderful comments left by our friends & family for our first family pictures. It makes me so happy to finally have 'family' pictures. I never thought we'd have a child, so little things like pictures of us with her lifts my spirits & warms my heart.

Life is so good...

Precious Girl

As the big day draws nearer, I find I'm spending more time daydreaming about our girl. What will she look like, will she have hair, will she have my nose or my ears, maybe she'll have long eyelashes like both her Daddy & I. I picture her in my head & wonder if she is anything like I expect her to be, or if she'll look completely different and surprise me. I'm expecting a baby with big dark eyes & a head full of dark hair, but who knows, maybe she'll have red hair & blue eyes, it's not impossible with our genes.

I also spend a lot of time wondering about how I'll be as a first time mother. Will I have the patience I need, the ability to know how to soothe her & take care of her?? It's all so overwhelming & wonderfully exciting.

I'm now 9 months pregnant, 36 wks....so any day now our girl could show up. I'm so looking forward to just laying my eyes on her & knowing that she's ours. She is our daughter, our new purpose in life will be to ensure her happiness & safety, and I cannot wait for this journey to begin.

Right now I'm sitting in my chair with my feet up as the Doctor instructed, I have our balcony door open, Muffin is laying by the door, my little princess is moving around in my tummy, and the tears of pure happiness are streaming down my face. I don't know what I did in life to deserve such happiness, but I am grateful for it.

Many people have asked me if I'm afraid of giving birth, and maybe I'm naive to say no, but I'm not afraid of the act of giving birth at all really. I'm more afraid of raising a child, of being responsible for someone other than myself, of being her everything for the first years of her precious life, but somehow, I know I'm capable of doing a good job of it. I don't know what makes me believe that I can do this & do it well, but I just know that I can.

Less than 4 weeks until my due date....I can't wait to meet you precious girl....your Mama loves you!