The fear of food

I nag, bitch & whine a lot..so I accept a part of the responsibility for my not feeling well. Negative energy dwelling within me is partly to blame, but I don't know how to get out.

I am so very tired. It has been about 3 months since I've felt well. I am worn out.

When we finally figured out lactose intolerance was an issue, I was bummed out but was happy for a diagnosis. Now, I just have no idea what's wrong.

My NP has sent off a req for me to have blood work done for a milk allergy. She has also referred me to a general surgeon to have scopes done. Everything moves so slowly at our hospital & I just want to feel better now! 

I'm really irritable & pretty damn miserable to be around most of the time. I'm tired of being a bitch!

I, now, am deathly afraid of all things dairy.  To be honest, I'm afraid of most food. I'd sooner not eat than risk feeling the way I did last weekend & the one before that.

Food has become the enemy. I can't figure out what I'm supposed to eat. I really don't think there is any magic menu plan that is going to work all the time. I have IBS, it's very nature is to be predictably unpredictable, so I expect there to be bad days/weeks. I just want to be able to function.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. If I eat, I'm sick, if I don't eat, somehow, I'm sick. I am way too familiar with both washrooms in our house. I'm tired of living in the bathroom. I'm tired of saying to Katie umpteen times a day 'Mommy's going to the bathroom, come see me if you need anything'. I'm tired of Katie feeling like she needs to make me feel better. It breaks my heart.

I'm really glad though that through this all, I haven't slipped back into my depression, because all the usual triggers are there. Exhaustion, stress, not being able to control what's going on with my innards, but I'm pretty convinced that depression doesn't get to come back without a fight.

I want to be able to feel better through positivity. I want to be able to at least have a good mental attitude about all of this but I'm so deep in the negativity that I really don't feel like it's going to get better or easier. That bothers me...I try to not focus on the negative as being the absolute only option but here I am, doing just that...I wish I could figure out how to change that

Mixed bag of emotions

Today has been an emotional one.

Katie was in full on cranky, challenging, terrible twos this morning. We battled a lot. I felt like a failure of a Mommy all morning. I didn't realize how much I would need patience as a mother nor did I realize how little patience I have. Many tears were shed this morning between Katie & I.  Thankfully nap time fixed that.

Then, someone I consider myself to be friendly with & who is a friend of my brother's was sentenced to a year + 15 days in jail. I am heartbroken for him & his family. It's a very controversial issue and  people throw opinions around & that infuriates me. Regardless, I am so sad for him, I worry about what will happen to him in jail. I can't see how this will help anything or how he's supposed to 'get better' while being locked up, but at the same time I've said all along that we should leave the decisions up to the courts. It's one of those times where everything is black & white...I think there was some grey...

Also, today, my parents are on their way to Moncton for the night. Tomorrow my Dad will meet his new Doctor & I assume discuss treatment. I am so worried, not about the treatment but my parents. They both are very obviously stressed out over this. I see it in them, so until his appointment however far off in the future when he gets the all clear of cancer, I will worry about them.

But to end on a positive note, I feel human again!  I'm cautiously optimistic about this pill combination.  I was able to go to the dance portion of Jeff's work Christmas party on Saturday. It was great. I danced so much! It was awesome! So for that, I am very grateful.  So, thank you, Universe.

Pity Party for One

Today, despite all logic, I'm having a pity party for one.

This is going to be a whiny, self-indulgent blog entry; consider yourself warned.

I am so tired of being sick.  I've been positive thinking my ass off & it's not working. I'm pissed off at the Univserse right now. Really effing pissed off!

I got through depression for fuck sake, I wanted to kill myself at one point & I got through it, I have been fighting anxiety with everything I have and will continue to do so....Give me a break!!!! I can't leave the house because my IBS is so bad.  I've had to cancel Doctor's appointments because my IBS is too bad to go & wait.  I'm really tired of it.

I can deal with a lot of things, I have dealt with a lot of things, but this...it just doesn't make any sense. I have been eating better in the last two months than I probably have in the last 10 years, and now I'm sick?! It doesn't make sense!!!

I'm angry and I am going crazy in the house.  I'm snappy, cranky & I imagine pretty unpleasant to live with lately.  I am just fed up!

I'm tired of feeling so lethargic. My house is a mess & I have no energy to clean it. It takes everything I have just to feed & look after Katie most days lately.  I just want to feel good again, so I can start exercising like I had planned on doing a few weeks ago but haven't felt well since. GAH!

Ok...I'm done whining now....back to positive thinking & all that hippie dippy bullshit I preach....

The unknown..

I'm overwhelmed.
For at least three weeks my IBS has been out of control. Worse than I can ever remember. It was bad enough for me to go to the Doctor, who technically is a LPN, but she is better than any certified Doctor I've ever seen.
Two weeks ago she suggested I try probiotics & gave me a prescription to take at bedtime, ordered bloodwork & the oh-so-pleasant stool samples. Awesome. Except I'm still sick.
My bloodwork was only scheduled for next Thursday. This is asinine, in my opinion, I'm sick now. So back to my LPN I went today. She gave me 2 new RX's to take with the current one & sent me to the hospital as a walk-in to get everything done. 6 viles of blood & a paper bag full of sample collecting 'goodies' later, and I'm home.
I know IBS isn't cancer, I know it isn't life threatening, but something it is, is life altering.
A lot of people don't even know what IBS is, but to those who it affects, either personally or as a loved one, they know that this is a rotten, terrible, often embarrassing & painful 'syndrome' to have.
I'm focusing on the positive though, I have a medical professional who is really working with me to get me better & I'm so grateful for that.
I'm also overwhelmed because my father was diagnosed last week with prostate cancer.  Early stages for the most part & I really don't think for even 2 seconds that this is it for him. It's just that hearing the words 'your father has prostate cancer', to know that my Daddy, the man who means more to me than almost anyone...has cancer...it pisses me off.
I guess I'm sad too, I'm sad that my Dad has to go through all of this. I'm sad that my Mom will stress & worry herself sick over this. I'm sad that in a time when a new life is soon coming into our family, we have to deal with this.
I just want to scream Fuck you, cancer! Fuck. you. Leave my Daddy alone!
I wish it was that easy to make it go away, but at least they caught it fairly early & my Dad will get better.
The unknown is what scares me, I don't know what to expect. Both with my IBS & with my Dad's treatment. I'm not a fan of the unknown. Just like when I was growing up, I wasn't late for curfew, I didn't know what would happen if I was, but I wasn't about to find out...the damn unknown.
I love how writing this all down & releasing it from my head makes me feel a little less crazy.  Also, writing it down has allowed me to find some positives. I am going to get my IBS under control, my Dad will soon be cancer free & our family will be able to be happy together & celebrate my brother's son who will join us in a little over a month.
It will get better. I just know it.

Anxiety & Fear

Anxiety & fear are major parts of my life. I, honestly, don't remember there ever being a time in my life when I wasn't abnormally afraid of something. Anxiety has always been there as well. It's just the last year, however, that it has become a very serious issue. Fear has probably been the strongest guiding force in the course of my life.

As I said, I have been afraid for as long as I can remember....I don't know why, but I have been.  I remember hating to walk from the bus stop to my house, when I was in elementary, because I was always afraid someone would be following me. It was, at most, a five minute walk.  I have always been afraid of the dark, being outside after dark, & being home alone, especially after dark. Sickeningly terrified.

I can remember once when I was in grade 10, my parents had gone out, ironically to the house I currently live in, to visit my cousin & her husband.  I stayed home because I wanted to talk to my boyfriend on the phone. This meant, however, that I would essentially quarantine myself into my parent's bedroom.  That was what I always did. If I had to be home alone, I stayed upstairs. The doors locked downstairs. Anyhow, I was home alone, and I heard a car pull into the driveway & loud banging on the door. I thought I was going to die from how loudly my heart was racing.  They banged again.  No one ever banged on our door like that.  I peeked out the blinds & saw that a car had backed into our driveway, and as I peeked the person banging happened to come off the stairs & notice me. The car left.  I told my boyfriend that I had to call my Dad to come home, then I called him back.  That was 17 years ago. I remember the panic & fear like it was ten minutes ago.

I know some people get a weird rush from being mildly frightened. Scary movies, roller coasters & whatnot. I think these people are out of their minds!  I need to have Jeff mute the TV & tell me when it's okay to look again when a commercial for a scary movie comes on. I am thirty-three & those are real, honest to goodness, frightening things for me.

When I turned 16, I was not only uninterested in driving, but adamant that I was in no rush to drive. I was afraid. I felt like I couldn't do it.  I'm clumsy, a klutz & sometimes I have the attention span of a toddler. I couldn't drive. I just knew it. So, the idea of driving became my enemy.  Despite, the offers & ribbings by family members to both let them teach me to tormenting me for not just doing it.  'Just do it! Its easy!' they'd say.  I didn't WANT to do it.  No thank you, kindly leave me alone. I felt that way until two days ago.

Two or three weeks ago, I ran out of Cymbalta. I had two choices; call the clinic, get an appointment & get a refill, or go cold turkey. I knew deep down that I didn't want to take these pills anymore.  I knew as well, that it could be risky to not take them but I would never let myself even begin to slide into the depression that I have felt at my lowest.  If need be, I will take pills for the rest of my life to avoid that state of not being, but I wanted to try.

I have had a few low days, a few panicky days, but overall, I actually feel better. I felt like I was hiding behind my medication & disorders.  It's okay if I'm sad, snappy & withdrawn, I'm depressed. It's okay if I lay around & begin to gain a startling resemblance to Jabba the Hutt, I'm depressed. I'm allowed to be afraid & never try anything new, I have anxiety AND I'm depressed!! Double Golden ticket out!

I'm tired of being afraid of the 'what ifs' of life.  I am thirty-three, which I hope is still young enough to begin to get a real life, but old enough to have learned from my past.

I have a lot of silly fears & phobias. One of them being eating in restaurants.  This ties into my ibs, I mean what would happen IF my stomach were to get sick while I was in public?? At a restaurant!! I'm fairly certain axis would collide, right? Wrong. So very wrong.

This weekend, I decided to take baby steps toward controlling my future. Small steps that will have a huge overall impact on my family.  I decided to let go of my fear of driving.  Just let it go. I have collectively spent about 3-4hrs driving in the last two days.  Yesterday, I also decided to surprise Jeff & tackle my fear of eating in restaurants.  My end destination of my driving yesterday was Boston Pizza.  It was really great incredible to let go. Today, I drove all over the place, just out & about for 2 hours.  I loved it.

I can't even really describe how proud I am of myself.  I'm not one for tooting my own horn, but when I think about the walls I broke down for myself this weekend, it brings tears to my eyes.

Baby steps....