The Right People.

I just saw this on Facebook & it summed up perfectly how I've been feeling the last few weeks. I miss my Right People, I don't have many of them around anymore. Why are Montreal & Calgary so far away?

On a regular basis I am with other mothers - they're a great bunch of women who outside of our children I have nothing in common with. I'm not like the other playgroup moms, I know that, I feel it, it hangs over me like a surprisingly heavy curtain. It's my reminder that although we get along when we are together for the sake of our children, I'm not ever going to be one of them. None of these women would ever do anything to make me feel out of place & I don't want it to ever seem like they have but I'm a realist, I'm not naive to my surroundings.

I guess part of being the very liberal, tattooed, Atheist, hippie mom who says fuck a lot is accepting that you aren't always going to easily find your 'Right People'. Some days that is a much easier pill to swallow than others.

I don't know how to find people who are like me, I mean, honestly I don't think a lot of people are actually like me, I'm a bit of a one off. People who love me just get me, they not only know but expect me to be passionate, loud, quirky, goofy, stubborn, potty-mouthed, loving, compassionate combined with a slew of other equally wonderful & potentially loathsome characteristics.

I miss the comfort of just laying my honest truth on someone & knowing they aren't going to judge me no matter what I say. I miss laughing so hard (over the simplest thing) that my face hurts, my stomach is cramped & we've both snort laughed. I miss being out & about with a friend who I can give that sideways 'did you see/hear/smell that' look to & then see how long we can hold in the laughter when we get on the same page. Truthfully, I miss being the presence of a friend who can tell me that I'm being an unreasonable asshole & know that it's coming from a place of love.

You may learn in school that Canada is 9.9 million sq. kms or simply that it's the second largest in the world but you can't understand the greatness of that until your Right People are spread out along those kilometers. 

Believe me when I say, Canada is a huge country & I miss my Right People. 

One year bucket list.

Lately, I'm realizing that my body is much more capable than I originally thought.  With that in mind I've made a bucket list of things that I want to do in the next year. September 16, 2014 I will have done the next ten things.

1. Run a 5k
2. Get my license
3. Successfully return to work
4. Lose 70lbs.
5. Eat in a restaurant with my family
6. Go swimming after 10 yrs
7. Ride a bike after 20 yrs
8. Workout in a real gym
9. Go out dancing
10. Be confident & happy

I can feel a shift bubbling under the surface for me.

I can see myself getting better. My anxiety won't run my life forever. I'm going to get the help I need & I will get better.

Also, I ran this week. For the first time since being forced in school, I ran voluntarily, of my own accord. It still blows my mind. Who the heck do I think I am making this body run? Hot damn it hurts but feels absolutely exhilarating! I will readily admit that when I was at my fattest, I would refer to runners as 'crazy bastard runners'. I thought it was insane to want to run...ugh! Why would you even want to? Now, I want to! I want the chance to prove to Katie that you can never give up on yourself. Even when things look & feel grim, you can do anything!

We watched 'The Little Engine that could' yesterday & it's such a simple message. If you think you can, you will - if you think you can't, you won't. Well, I really feel like I can do this. That surprises me.

One year. Let's go! I think I can...

Optimistic & Grateful

I am constantly amazed by the good at the core of people.

Last week I opened up about my major struggles with anxiety & instead of being shunned, I've been embraced. I appreciate the care & concern so much more than words can say.

To know that I'm not alone. I'm not the only person that I know who has felt completely crazy. Really, truly crazy not crazy of the sleep deprived & a bit delirious type - more crazy of the bat shit variety.  I know of other people like me now, that helps.

Today I took the first step in healing my life. This is an illness. I need to heal, I don't need to fix it. I'm not broken, I'm ill.

I'm going to get better. I feel cautiously optimistic & very grateful.

2012

2012.

What a year. Wow.

I can say with all certainty that one year ago, I had absolutely no idea how different my life could be. I had no idea that I was about to have the absolute hardest,literally mind-fucking year. I also had no idea how strong I could be. I didn't realize how lucky I was. I didn't see the real value in living close to my family. So much has changed. I have changed.

I started 2012 very broken. Major depression & agoraphobia with anxiety were taking over. There was no happy. I hated my job. I worked 4-12, I saw Katie only in the morning before she went to daycare most days. I felt like I was smothering. Then we got the most amazing news.

He got the job. The job I prayed to the Universe for. The job I knew was his & I knew I needed to go home. I needed my family. They saved me. We all did it together.

It wasn't easy. I had a long haul until I felt human again. I have never felt so much love from my Mom as I have in the 8 months since being home. It wasn't that she wasn't always giving it, I was finally ready to accept it. I got it...I understand her in a way I never have. 
I've been fighting anxiety hard for just over a year, I'm a lot better now than this time last year. I'm so thankful for that. I'm not sure I'll ever be without it, but I'm getting better at coping with it.

Katie has been the most amazing reason to be happy. She has come alive since we moved home. Having her Grammy & Poppy nearby...there is nothing better. She is so full of love, so full of curiosity. She's my mile-a-minute talker, who is quite often very well understood. Loves to sing & dance. She's stubborn as a mule though, she gets that from her father.

Life has been very abstract & much like tiedye. All over the place, sort of ugly to look at but kind of appealing too.

2012. I'm ok with you. Thanks for the lessons.

The unknown..

I'm overwhelmed.
For at least three weeks my IBS has been out of control. Worse than I can ever remember. It was bad enough for me to go to the Doctor, who technically is a LPN, but she is better than any certified Doctor I've ever seen.
Two weeks ago she suggested I try probiotics & gave me a prescription to take at bedtime, ordered bloodwork & the oh-so-pleasant stool samples. Awesome. Except I'm still sick.
My bloodwork was only scheduled for next Thursday. This is asinine, in my opinion, I'm sick now. So back to my LPN I went today. She gave me 2 new RX's to take with the current one & sent me to the hospital as a walk-in to get everything done. 6 viles of blood & a paper bag full of sample collecting 'goodies' later, and I'm home.
I know IBS isn't cancer, I know it isn't life threatening, but something it is, is life altering.
A lot of people don't even know what IBS is, but to those who it affects, either personally or as a loved one, they know that this is a rotten, terrible, often embarrassing & painful 'syndrome' to have.
I'm focusing on the positive though, I have a medical professional who is really working with me to get me better & I'm so grateful for that.
I'm also overwhelmed because my father was diagnosed last week with prostate cancer.  Early stages for the most part & I really don't think for even 2 seconds that this is it for him. It's just that hearing the words 'your father has prostate cancer', to know that my Daddy, the man who means more to me than almost anyone...has cancer...it pisses me off.
I guess I'm sad too, I'm sad that my Dad has to go through all of this. I'm sad that my Mom will stress & worry herself sick over this. I'm sad that in a time when a new life is soon coming into our family, we have to deal with this.
I just want to scream Fuck you, cancer! Fuck. you. Leave my Daddy alone!
I wish it was that easy to make it go away, but at least they caught it fairly early & my Dad will get better.
The unknown is what scares me, I don't know what to expect. Both with my IBS & with my Dad's treatment. I'm not a fan of the unknown. Just like when I was growing up, I wasn't late for curfew, I didn't know what would happen if I was, but I wasn't about to find out...the damn unknown.
I love how writing this all down & releasing it from my head makes me feel a little less crazy.  Also, writing it down has allowed me to find some positives. I am going to get my IBS under control, my Dad will soon be cancer free & our family will be able to be happy together & celebrate my brother's son who will join us in a little over a month.
It will get better. I just know it.

I'm not that girl

Today, I was showing Katie my baby pictures, at the back of the album were these 4 pictures.  Prom 1996. It wasn't my prom, but that of my very platonic friend.  If you look closely, you'll notice something in all 4 photos, I have my arms covering my stomach.  Also, if you look closely, you'll notice I wasn't that big. I was about 175lbs, 5'8, a bit chubby at best.  I felt immediately saddened for that girl.  I remember being that girl. So very vividly.  She was so insecure. She felt so out of place & really thought no boy would ever love her.

As a teenager, I really didn't feel like I was ever good enough.  I didn't have any sense of style, I hung out in the band room (I love all my band friends, but we all know we weren't the 'cool' kids), I was flunking math, science and anything else that didn't interest me & I was fat.  Soooo incredibly fat!!! Except, I wasn't.

I wasn't fat.  I wasn't stupid.  I wasn't uncool.  The thing is, it has taken me until now to realize that.

I am at the beginning of what I believe to be the biggest change of my life.  Less than 2 weeks ago, Jeff & I started living a healthier life. We've been watching what we eat, he has been walking a lot, I go sometimes, and it feels really great.  Neither of us feel like we're giving up much.  It feels good to care about myself & my Katherine enough to do this. I fully believe I'm getting mentally stronger because of it, as well.

For someone who believes so strongly in the power of positive thought, I have been sucking in & blowing out a lot of negative energy the last little while. I guess I have been realizing lately that because I'm not by nature, a super happy-go-lucky person, I need to be more aware of the energy I put out. I want great things, so I have to put out great energy! Bottom line.

I wish the girl in those pictures knew then what I know now about life.  I know everyone says it, but when you have the first real moment where you realize what you've been through in your life & how proud you should be sometimes just for being here, breathing, living & loving.  My god....I wish I had of known then what I know now.

I think I would've taken the right things much more seriously. I would not have been such a self-conscious follower, because really, look at me; I have blue hair, I am not a follower. I thought I needed approval from people then that now, I wouldn't be upset if they never spoke to me again because I am stronger than I ever knew I could be.

I spent a lot of years feeling weak & unimportant.  I really thought that every person I ever encountered would think of me as a hateful bitch. Now, I cannot even fathom how many years of my life I spent believing that. I didn't think anyone would like me. Even when I had friends, mostly through work, I never really let anyone in, because I didn't believe they would ever really like me if they knew me. I'm a hateful bitch. Except, I'm not.

I'm not any of the things that my really vicious internal dialogue has been telling me for as long as I can even remember. It's funny the things you remember from your childhood; at the forefront of my brain is one time when I was at a friend's place & her older brother made fun of me by saying I had 'gummy lips'.  I remember thinking it was such a horrible thing, it stuck with me, until recently when I've realized that women pay money for lips like these! Mine were free!  Buh-Bye silly voice in my head!

I'm beginning to feel this fire inside me, I feel strong & confident. The old voices telling me how fat my legs are, how embarrassed I should be for showing them in public, the ones telling me how much people won't like me at first sight because I have foolish hair or because I'm a hateful bitch, they're going away.

I'm not that girl anymore, I'm twice as old now as I was then. I'm glad that even though it has taken way too long, the sadness & fears that she held are becoming less and less mine. It feels good to love yourself.  Who knew?

Shadows

Anxiety runs through my veins
Integral part of my being

Can I exist without it
Will I ever exist without it
Fear in my heart
Gripping my soul

Untruths
Making them right
Mending the tears

Anxiety
Never ending
Persistent
Unexpected
Unwanted

Shadows dancing
In the moonlight of my soul

Let them be free

Emerge from the shadows

Let them be

Healing
Commences