She'll never have friends with a weird mom like me.

Two weeks ago I stepped outside my comfort zone - way outside. I sent Facebook inbox messages to two moms that I know a bit, inviting each of them over with their daughters for a play date with Katie & I. One mom replied that she'd love to, the other mom (who was online a lot that day & I know saw the message) didn't even bother to reply.

I set up & had a wonderful play date with the mother who did reply but for two weeks the mother who didn't reply has been on my mind. A constant barrage of unanswered & often irrational questions & thoughts. Why didn't she reply? What about me doesn't she like? Am I always going to cost Katie friends? I'm definitely going to be the reason she doesn't have friends. Why can't I just be like everyone else? Poor Katie, why does she have to have such a weird mother? I wish I was just normal.

I, honestly, expect to be the reason she doesn't have certain friends in her lifetime.

I am not your average person, most definitely not your average Miramichier & I know that. I tend to think outside the box more than most people. I try hard not to judge people on their outer shell, because all too often it really is just a shell & once you crack it, there's so much beauty. I believe passionately in equality & justice. I get fired up over injustice & judgment. I'm a hippie, I know people have their ideas about what a hippie is, but in my soul, that's just who I am. I wear bright clothes, I talk too loudly, I swear too much, I don't believe in god but I believe it's your right to if you so choose, I think all love is equal, babies need love not parents of both genders, I am pro-choice & that doesn't mean I'm pro-abortion, Climate change is happening, SCIENCE MATTERS, marijuana shouldn't be illegal & Americans need better gun control.

There are people in my life that I have plenty of reasons to hate but there is no single person that I actually hate. Not one. I believe to hate is to actually wish ill for another person or to be happy if something unfortunate were to happen to them, I don't have anyone in my life like that. I can't hold hate in my heart. That's not saying that there aren't people I dislike a lot, people I never want to be around EVER but I don't hate them.

For two weeks, these have been the thoughts in my head, I've been reviewing what I believe, am I too vocal about it, should I tone down who I am, maybe I should talk less about being atheist or maybe anyone who doesn't like me for who I am can kiss my ass?? Yeah, we're going to go with the latter. That was the grand conclusion of my two weeks of soul searching.

I like who I am, I like the person I'm becoming, I like the lessons I'm teaching my daughter & the person she's becoming as a result. So what if I don't believe in god - I believe in right & wrong, I'm pro-choice - you don't have to choose to have an abortion, I'm 100%  for gay rights - chances are someone you love is gay & you just don't know it, legalizing marijuana - people are going to buy & smoke it either way but only one is good for the economy. I like making up silly songs about everything I do, I like dancing randomly in public & not caring at all, I like not being so wrapped up in what other people think because their opinions of me do not matter.

Hindsight has shown me that the mom who didn't reply did me a huge favour, I went from feeling really terrible about myself for not being accepted by her to realizing that it's okay because I truly like who I am & the values I have.

She's still on my Facebook & may very well see this after I share it but I don't care either way. Hopefully she'll realize that basic etiquette can go a long way.

Stay-at-Home-Mom, I guess?

I love being a mom. This is an indisputable fact, anyone who knows me or simply sees me with Katie would know this, however being a stay-at-home Mom(SAHM) has been a challenge. I have without a doubt very often taken for granted the ability to stay home with our sweet girl.

I have had many days in the last month & a bit where I crave being among co-workers, laughing & talking about something other than Mickey Mouse, peanut butter sandwiches & poop. I long to be in the company of adults, having adult conversation but being at home, with 3 feet of attitude & a side of goofiness, isn't so darn bad.

When I was nearing the end of my maternity leave, I spent nights crying about the return to work. How could I possibly let anyone else look after my sweet child. How could I give up those hugs & kisses. I was almost inconsolable over the idea of going back to my job I loathed, to work 4 weeks & really only bring home pay for 2 because of the cost of daycare. I hated it all. I was so depressed.

Fast forward just under 2 years, I'm no longer depressed. I no longer have a job I loathe, I'm doing what I longed to do. I guess it's just not exactly what I expected. I'm not exactly what I expected. I had grandiose visions of being some Pinterest crazy mom, who actually does that stuff. I thought I would bake with Katie, do fun crafts. I don't really do any of those things.  We read, sing, play & learn together. The TV is always on, it's not always watched but it is always on.  I know it takes away from my candidacy for Mom-of-the-Year, but it's the truth. I can say with confidence that Dora has taught Katie things I would never have thought to teach her.  Hello, counting to 5 in Spanish!?! I assure you, I had nothing to do with that! Yay, Dora!

In the last week I've been noticing all of the Mom's on my Facebook & Twitter. I think of them going to their day jobs, rushing around in the morning to get their kid(s) awake, fed, clean, out the door, possible daycare drop offs, then to work, spending the day doing what all moms do, multi-tasking, your brain never allowed to focus too long on anything without thinking about how your kid(s) are doing, then you have to make sure once again they're fed & clean, possible activities, maybe homework, and then hopefully bed.  I hated that! I hate the idea of it. It makes me antsy. I want to be home with Katie as much as I can, I think it's good for her & I know it's good for me.  I will though, make an effort to find a part-time job soon &send her to daycare a day or two a week. That will be great for both of us. I look forward to it.

I feel very grateful that I have been able to stay home when I physically & mentally needed it most. I believe firmly that the Universe knows what it's doing. I'll figure this career thing out eventually, until then I'm a stay-at-home-mom & proud of it!

My Mom

I speak like her, quickly & quite a bit. I fly off the handle like she did. I cry like her. I have a soft heart like her. I am strong like her. I am so proud of her. More so, I am so proud to come from her.

My mother...if you know Velna, you know all of the above is true about her, two fold if you know me as well. She & I, we are so alike in more ways than either of us even realize.  I am really just so proud to be her daughter.

It wasn't long ago that you wouldn't have heard those words from me.  Not because I didn't love my Mom, but because I didn't understand.  I didn't get it.  I didn't see her as a person, she was just my Mom.  This woman I rammed heads with for how many ever years. I see her for so much more now.

We spent a lot time battling each other.  She wanted so much for me.  She saw things in me that I didn't see.  She saw me throwing away my life by not trying in school.  Little did I understand then, and really until recently, that she was angry with me because she loved me so damn much. I get it now. Hindsight....

She has always loved me the best way she knew how.  She has always worried about me. She has always been proud of me...all things that I've really come to realize since moving home.  I can't believe I ever doubted any of those things.  I was so wrapped up in my own anger, depression & anxiety.

In case you don't know my Mom, she's a really great person.  She loves with her whole heart, she's determined (our polite way of saying stubborn), she would honestly give her family the shirt off her back if we even hinted at needed it, she loves to sing, dance & laugh,. She loves her children so much, but there is nothing in comparison to the love she shows Katie.

My Mom, is the best Grammy!! Holy cow, she's awesome!! She loves little Katie Lou with every fiber of her being.  That little girl knows that Grammy loves her, she knows Grammy thinks she's smart, beautiful & funny. She loves her Grammy so much in return.  They are such a gift to each other.

I am so glad that we moved home.  It has allowed my Mom & I to heal our relationship.  It has allowed us to  love each other openly.  It has allowed us to become much more what we have both always wanted. Mostly, it has allowed me to realize what a gift I have in my Mom.

Mom, I love you.  I love you, I love you, I love you.  Thank you for always loving me & I get it now.

More than Enough

She dances around me all day long. Her soft brown locks joyfully bouncing with her every move. She amazes me.  I, often, sit and watch her. Observe her playful ways.  The expressions she makes when her favourite character of the moment does something silly or scary. The slight eye covering when she's a bit fearful of what is coming next. She is mine for sure.  She is his for sure, as well.  Such an amazing little combination of character traits and flaws too.

She counts to twelve regularly now, she once counted backwards from 5, and finished it with an exuberant 'BLASTOFF!'. She teaches me how to be silly again.  I run around my home pretending to be someone who enjoys running,  just to hear her squeals of delight, her little happy shrieks & 'MAMA! waiiit!'. She knows her colours, but more often than not will confuse pink & purple. My little love bug.

She has such a soft, kind heart. I worry for her. I used to be like that.  If we cough, she needs to know we're ok, no matter what room we're in. If she knows someone is sad, sick or has just a simple headache, she will mention it more times than you can ever count. She mentions it with pure concern though, and I worry about her.

She really is such a wonderful little ray of sunshine. Grammy sings her that song, along with many others. She loves it, she loves her. It is such an amazing gift to be able to watch my mother & daughter embrace like they do. Grammy crouches down, Katie runs for her, they connect, my heart swells. Every single time. She loves her Poppy too. Oh, so much!  She loves to take him by the hand & drag him around to show him things. Silly Poppy!!  It's just such a gift, there is no other word.

If I had nothing else to be thankful for in my life, she would be enough.  She is always more than enough & I plan to make sure she always knows that.  Our gift from the Universe, so smart, sweet & beautiful.  Always, sweet Katherine, you will be more than enough.

Done. Deal.

Today, I had to fight with my mind to do what I wanted to do physically. My 'little' cousin got married in Moncton, I live about an hour & a half away.  Logically, easy peasy, lemon squeezy! In my mind, holy sweet mother of god, I can't possibly do this! IMPOSSIBLE! My heart raced most of the day today. I had few calm moments internally but that doesn't matter now, because I DID IT!!!

I told my Mom, I'm feeling anxious today, she said, so am I, then we walked in together. She gives me more strength than I let on.

I sat among my family and also, a bunch of strangers & watched my cousin get married. I cried tears of happiness for him(shocking, I know). I was there. That means a lot to me.

I, also, went to the crowded, hot, sticky mall. I miss Champlain Place, but today, like so many others when we lived in Moncton, caused me to feel antsy & unsettled. I did it though...

I'm finding strength in myself that I didn't know I had.  It's surprising....it is also hard to process, because I'm realizing that I've allowed myself to become a victim of my depression & anxiety. I let them 'be' Paula.  Who are you? I'm depressed & anxious.  My realization is that I'm not depression & anxiety. I'm just not & it won't win. Done. Deal.

Anxiety & Fear

Anxiety & fear are major parts of my life. I, honestly, don't remember there ever being a time in my life when I wasn't abnormally afraid of something. Anxiety has always been there as well. It's just the last year, however, that it has become a very serious issue. Fear has probably been the strongest guiding force in the course of my life.

As I said, I have been afraid for as long as I can remember....I don't know why, but I have been.  I remember hating to walk from the bus stop to my house, when I was in elementary, because I was always afraid someone would be following me. It was, at most, a five minute walk.  I have always been afraid of the dark, being outside after dark, & being home alone, especially after dark. Sickeningly terrified.

I can remember once when I was in grade 10, my parents had gone out, ironically to the house I currently live in, to visit my cousin & her husband.  I stayed home because I wanted to talk to my boyfriend on the phone. This meant, however, that I would essentially quarantine myself into my parent's bedroom.  That was what I always did. If I had to be home alone, I stayed upstairs. The doors locked downstairs. Anyhow, I was home alone, and I heard a car pull into the driveway & loud banging on the door. I thought I was going to die from how loudly my heart was racing.  They banged again.  No one ever banged on our door like that.  I peeked out the blinds & saw that a car had backed into our driveway, and as I peeked the person banging happened to come off the stairs & notice me. The car left.  I told my boyfriend that I had to call my Dad to come home, then I called him back.  That was 17 years ago. I remember the panic & fear like it was ten minutes ago.

I know some people get a weird rush from being mildly frightened. Scary movies, roller coasters & whatnot. I think these people are out of their minds!  I need to have Jeff mute the TV & tell me when it's okay to look again when a commercial for a scary movie comes on. I am thirty-three & those are real, honest to goodness, frightening things for me.

When I turned 16, I was not only uninterested in driving, but adamant that I was in no rush to drive. I was afraid. I felt like I couldn't do it.  I'm clumsy, a klutz & sometimes I have the attention span of a toddler. I couldn't drive. I just knew it. So, the idea of driving became my enemy.  Despite, the offers & ribbings by family members to both let them teach me to tormenting me for not just doing it.  'Just do it! Its easy!' they'd say.  I didn't WANT to do it.  No thank you, kindly leave me alone. I felt that way until two days ago.

Two or three weeks ago, I ran out of Cymbalta. I had two choices; call the clinic, get an appointment & get a refill, or go cold turkey. I knew deep down that I didn't want to take these pills anymore.  I knew as well, that it could be risky to not take them but I would never let myself even begin to slide into the depression that I have felt at my lowest.  If need be, I will take pills for the rest of my life to avoid that state of not being, but I wanted to try.

I have had a few low days, a few panicky days, but overall, I actually feel better. I felt like I was hiding behind my medication & disorders.  It's okay if I'm sad, snappy & withdrawn, I'm depressed. It's okay if I lay around & begin to gain a startling resemblance to Jabba the Hutt, I'm depressed. I'm allowed to be afraid & never try anything new, I have anxiety AND I'm depressed!! Double Golden ticket out!

I'm tired of being afraid of the 'what ifs' of life.  I am thirty-three, which I hope is still young enough to begin to get a real life, but old enough to have learned from my past.

I have a lot of silly fears & phobias. One of them being eating in restaurants.  This ties into my ibs, I mean what would happen IF my stomach were to get sick while I was in public?? At a restaurant!! I'm fairly certain axis would collide, right? Wrong. So very wrong.

This weekend, I decided to take baby steps toward controlling my future. Small steps that will have a huge overall impact on my family.  I decided to let go of my fear of driving.  Just let it go. I have collectively spent about 3-4hrs driving in the last two days.  Yesterday, I also decided to surprise Jeff & tackle my fear of eating in restaurants.  My end destination of my driving yesterday was Boston Pizza.  It was really great incredible to let go. Today, I drove all over the place, just out & about for 2 hours.  I loved it.

I can't even really describe how proud I am of myself.  I'm not one for tooting my own horn, but when I think about the walls I broke down for myself this weekend, it brings tears to my eyes.

Baby steps....

Revelations

This week has brought upon me, many realizations & revelations.  The greatest of these is how at peace my soul is now.  My heart is happy.  I feel at ease.  I feel so loved. I'm home.

I'm 33 years old.  I'm a Stay-at-home Mom, right now, to incredible, amazing, funny, sweet, inquisitive, spunky, almost 2, Katie Lou.  I'm wife to such an incredible man. Katie & I are so lucky to have Jeff. He loves us like a real man should. He's proud of his family & we're proud of him.  I have parents who really would give us the shirts off their backs if we even suggested that we needed them.  They love the 3 of us so fiercely that I can't even begin to explain to them how thankful we are.  I appreciate my parents so much more after being home this last month, than I ever have in all my 33 years.  

I have a brother who is my best friend.  He really is.  There are 10.5 years between Scott & I, yet, we're equal in our relationship.  We went from protective big brother, to being protective of each other. I love that we both know that if one of us needs the other, there is no time of day that we aren't there for one another. We also call each other on our shit. If I'm being an idiot, he tells me, if he's being stupid, I tell him.  It has to be that way to be in an adult sibling relationship. No matter what though, after being angry or upset with each other, we always, always know that we love each other.  He's my best friend.

I also just realized this week, how much I love & need my Mom.  I don't have the words to tell her when I talk to her.  So, I know she will read this at some point. Mom, I love you.  I love our time together. I love watching you with Katie. I love you. I love you. I love you.  PS...I'm sorry I'm so bitchy sometimes, it's a work in progress for me too....

I feel inner strength in Miramichi that I have been lacking for quite some time.  I feel like I can fight my anxiety here.  I feel anxious most times I go out still, but the difference here is that I still go out. I didn't do that in Moncton, but here, at home, I feel like I have more support. I mean, I got my permit. I still haven't driven, but just having the piece of plastic in my wallet is a huge leap for me.

I feel more confident now that we've returned to Miramichi as well.  I do my hair, put on make-up, try to accessorize so that I can look good when I'm out. With that said, I have a new if you don't like me, don't look at me, attitude! I've decided that my tree trunk legs & flabby arms are mine to accept & love.  I need to embrace my body as it is, and realize that I'm really okay as I am.  I plan to wear capris, tank tops, skirts & I'm even planning on getting brave & buying a bathing suit.  I'm going to make the conscious decision to not care what other people think about me.

I'm going to be outside this summer.  I'm going to be active, sweaty & happy.  I'm going to run around with our Katie. I'm going to dig in the dirt with her. I'm going to enjoy our time together.

I'm happy to feel so happy.  I'm happy to be able to realize the wonderful opportunities that are being given to us.  I'm just so grateful. 

Gratitude

Gratitude.

One word sums up much of what I've been feeling lately.

I whined & complained when life was serving us plenty of things that made each day so difficult that getting up in the morning became a chore.  So, now that I have so much happiness & goodness in my life, I want to shout from the rooftops how grateful I am.

Just thinking about how lucky we are brings tears to my eyes.  Happy tears.  They flow so much more now than the tears of frustration & sadness.

I have 2 amazing parents.  I have loved them always but now appreciate them so much more than I ever have in my life.  They are such incredible grandparents to sweet Katie Lou. She loves her Grammy & Poppy SO much! It fills up my happy meter when I see them do stuff with her. To see the pure, genuine happiness she brings them is a gift to me.  To hear the honest, uncontrolled laughter that she brings out of them. Grateful.

To be surrounded by family again, is amazing.  I had become so detached. I had forgotten how much I love my extended family.  Seeing family, having them finally meet Katie, it's amazing.  They are going to get to know our little Dood.  This is not something I expected to have for her. In my opinion, this is a huge gift for her.  I cannot imagine growing up away from my extended family.  I have so many cousins, not really knowing them is an absurd thought for me.

I also am getting my head around losing weight for real.  Every day I try to something better than the day before. I'm starting to come to terms with the reality of me being 33, morbidly obese, family history of heart problems & I have an almost 2yr old.  I have to change, for Katie, for Jeff & for myself.

It's still odd to me that a dying city where youth leave because of the lack of opportunity is, in fact, the greatest opportunity that my little family has been given.

The Universe leads you if you listen.  If you're grateful, positive & do the work, the Universe listens.  So, for all I've been given, the absolute hardest days when we couldn't afford a loaf of bread, to the most cherished gift I've been given in Katie, I'm grateful for everything.

Thank you, Universe.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Gratitude.

Random happiness

I have a million and one thoughts running through my mind.  I am abundantly happy, I am terrified, I am excited,  I am sad, I am grateful. I am so very, very grateful.

I am actually writing without editing today.  I'm just writing the words that come into my head without stopping to over think it all. Except just now, I stopped to scratch my elbow, but that doesn't count.  Ok, back to me writing without thinking.

In, like, no time at all, we are moving to Miramichi.  MIRAMICHI!!! What in the name of Tallulah is going on in the Universe that actually is bringing me back to Miramichi?!  I never even thought until a year ago that it was remotely possible.  It is, however, very possible, and it is happening!

Jeff got a job at the payroll center that is bringing us home.  Home. I'm not sure why, but for many years I was defiant that Miramichi was really home anymore.  We've been in Moncton for 8 years, after about 3, I considered it home.  I knew we would start a family here, assumed we would raise said family here, but we'd visit Miramichi.   That was what we wanted.  Then for some reason it changed.

A little over a year ago, my Mom started telling me about how to apply for the payroll jobs.  As I used to often do, I gave her a 'yeah, ok, we'll do it' and of course, we wouldn't. She was on me for weeks before we applied.  I'm so grateful for her persistence.

That night, after we applied, I told Jeff that one of us was going to get on for certain & the other would stay home with Katie.  For over a year, with every email he received telling him about the next step in the process, I knew that we were moving home.  I knew it more than I have ever known anything.  I didn't waiver for a moment.  When talking to my Mom, I'd say don't worry, we'll be living home then.  I'm sure everyone was terrified of what would happen to my mental state if he hadn't gotten the job, but I wasn't worried because I KNEW he was going to get it.

I used 'The Secret' and the absolute amazing power of positive thought.  Jeff & I both spent time individually & unknowingly to the other on Monday focusing on feeling like we live in Miramichi.  If you feel it, if you're grateful to the Universe, if you envision it, you can make anything happen.  The Universe will present the opportunities to you, you just have to be alert enough to make them work for you.

I probably sound like a crazy person right now, but I don't even care.  I know that positive thought works, it brought 2 huge changes to our lives.  Katie & this job/move.

I can't believe this is really happening.  I mean, I knew it would, but now it's real.  I am so overwhelmed.  I miss my family so much.  I realized about 4 months ago how much I really wanted to move back to Miramichi.  I realized that I needed my family. I'm not as independent as I've pretended to be for the last 7 years. I need my family.

Now that Katie is a bit older, I want my parents to be involved in her life.  I want her to be able to go to the store with Grampy.  I want her to be able to bake cookies with Grammy.  I want those things for myself too, I miss spending time with my parents.  I miss my aunts & cousins.  I miss family.

I'm so excited! I feel like a big change like this could be exactly what we needed to shake things up.

It's time for me to stop writing & go clean something.  So little time & such an insane amount to do!! It's going to be so worth it!!

Four days.

Four days. Four days.

I'm nervous. I'm anxious. I'm worried. I'm sad.  I'm a normal amount of all of those things.  That's a first in a long time. In four days, I return to work. In four days, I test myself. In four days, life returns to 'normal'. In four days, I will realize that I'm strong & capable. 

I haven't worked since January 27th.  I will have been off exactly 40 days when I return to work.  40 amazing, life changing days.  

When I went on leave, I was so inexplicably not myself.  I listened to Violin by Amos Lee repeatedly like it was my anthem. It felt as if that song came from my soul.  I wanted to be saved. I wanted someone to rescue me from my sadness.Then, 3 people did. My Jeff, My Katie & Myself. Together, the 3 of us can do anything.  

I am so incredibly lucky. I am so incredibly grateful to the Universe for both of them. The love they give me every single day, well, it's nothing short of life saving.  

I feel as if I am so much stronger than I ever realized that I am.  I am capable. I am emotional. I am fierce. I can really do anything that I need to do. I'm feeling rather amazing the last few days.  I've turned into some messed up, domesticated crazy lady.  It's a great feeling!

So, in four days.  I'm hoping this great feeling follows me to work.  I'm hoping it reassures me that I can do anything.  I know it's going to be so hard.  I'm going to miss Katie & Jeff so much, but I know that I can get through it.  I'm stronger than I realize.  I need to keep repeating that. I don't need to be saved anymore.  I've saved myself.

Reality Check

Today I walked home from work, as I do most days, and I had a moments of pure & honest gratitude. One of those moment where in your head & heart you just are floored by the realization that you have so much to be grateful for. As most of you know the weather has been sweltering hot, not ideal by any means for a walk home from work even one that is just over 10 minutes as mine is. Well, I crossed the street like usual today & then for some reason stopped and turned around only to see this poor woman who was crossing as well but not nearly with the ease I had. It took her a dangerously long time to cross, the light turned green just as she stepped onto the sidewalk. In that moment I thought, be grateful for your ability to walk regardless of this heat. I then carried on with my walk home with a new sense of happiness & I thanked the Universe.

I guess sometimes it takes a reality check to put my gratitude back in line. I'm going to try & thank the Universe more for the day to day things that I take for granted. Although, I'm pretty sure the Universe is aware of my gratitude for being able to walk with ease now myself. It's something that I cannot believe I take for granted even though I absolutely know that I do. You'd think that someone who just couldn't have walked home from work 3 years ago would stop moaning about it so much. In fact, we used to work what..like 2 blocks from work & the walk would take me the better part of 20 minutes if I could do it at all, but today I walked 7 blocks in 11 minutes. Time to shut up about not wanting to do it and complaining that its too hot & just be grateful to be able to do it.

Thank you for the wake up call, Universe. I got the message loud & clear!