Once an atheist, always an atheist? Maybe not...

For many years now I've identified myself as an Atheist because I don't believe in the bible, Jesus or religion. It was something that was hard to admit to myself & then even harder to admit to family. My parents were heartbroken, as if I failed them or they failed me, when it wasn't about any of that at all - I just couldn't pretend anymore.

I've never been one of those atheist who would tell someone they are wrong for believing in any of it but just that I don't believe in it. I've always been one to think, if it brings you peace & doesn't harm or hinder anyone else, believe in monkeys for all I care; whereas I know so many people automatically assume all atheist hate people who believe & think they're idiots for it.  I can't say that I understand how people can believe in a book written according to disciples thousands of years ago when a game of telephone with 15 people can't get a message across a room correctly or that I can understand people who say they do things that are hateful in the name of God but I by no means assume every Christian to be the same.

I don't really know when I stopped believing in Jesus, maybe I always had doubts but my young mind wouldn't go there because we went to church as kids, Sunday school, I was confirmed, the whole nine yards & I felt like I had to believe in it all. I think I wanted to really believe in it all but eventually my lack of faith in the unseen & my lack of feeling connected lead me to my current truths about religion.

I've been thinking about god lately though & my beliefs; I think I'm more Agnostic than Atheist because although I do not for one second believe in Jesus, I truly do believe there is something bigger than all of us.

There is a force in this world, some just call it the Universe, directing the ebbs & flows of our lives, the energy we put in & give out, it comes back to us. I believe in that with everything I am & all that I have. I believe if you work hard enough & believe in something with enough positive energy, good things will come to you. I believe we control our destiny with the way we think & the energy we put out into the world. If we hold on to negative feelings & energy they will fester in unimaginable ways. That's partly why I'm so glad that I'm not one to hold grudges, they're bad for your health & mental well-being but also because you can't have a positive life & be a negative person.

Being pregnant with our second child is what made me start to question my beliefs again. How could I think there isn't something bigger than us when I was told by so many Doctors that I'd have a hard time getting pregnant & I'm going to have a second child? I have to believe that this is part of a bigger plan, that this baby, much like it's big sister, came to us because I felt like it was something I wanted. Neither of our children were planned but they both happened around times when I spent an inordinate amount of free time looking at baby clothes, baby names & seeing myself holding newborns. I can understand how kooky that all sounds but it's my truth. I knew that this baby was going to happen because of the way it's sister happened. There was no real reason for me to be able to get pregnant the first time & plenty of mothers struggle the second time, but my body did what I didn't think it could do, twice. If that's not something bigger than all of us, I don't know what is but I'm not comfortable calling that something god or Jesus.

I don't know what I'll tell Katie when she starts encountering people who believe in god openly because she knows nothing about god or religion at this point in her life. I'm okay with that because I want her to grow to learn things that interest her & feel right for her, I don't want religious guilt to hang over her if she doesn't believe what she's being taught. I want her to question things & know that whatever she chooses to believe in whether it be Jesus, Allah, Buddha or nothing at all, I'm okay with it & her decisions as long as she's a good person. I don't believe morals need to be attached to religion, because there are so many religious people who are very immoral & hypocritical. I want her to know that right & wrong are all that matter in life, the spiritual being she believes in doesn't change right & wrong. I want her to believe in love, kindness & acceptance.

I really feel like allowing myself to feel a connection to the Universe & accepting that I do believe in something bigger than all of us gives me a peace of mind that I've been missing. So, peace & love once again reign supreme in my life. Thank you, Universe for all you have given me.

Doubt. Fear. A bun in the oven.

A lot has changed in the two months since I last blogged.

My sister-in-law has caused extreme amounts of havoc in the lives of my family members. I truly believe she needs psychiatric help but she'd say that I'm the crazy one. I've removed myself from the situation. I'm done dealing with her & him too. It hurts too much & it's too much stress. Not my zoo, not my animals. I have bigger fish to fry.

We found out a week & a half ago that we're having a baby.

Uh...yeah.

I was done having babies. One & done. That was my motto. I have the most amazing child, I never expected to have any children so I was overjoyed at being a mom to only her.

Then, Boom! Pregnant.

I knew almost immediately. I told Jeff that I was pregnant before it was even humanly possible. Chemistry hadn't taken over yet, how did I know? I still don't understand it but I knew & had to wait two weeks for a test to tell me what I already knew for sure.

We told everyone the day we found out, which was probably crazy but I spent so much time being afraid when I was pregnant with Katie & I want to try to relax this time.

I'm scared to death though. I didn't think I'd be so scared since I know how to raise a child to at least 4.5 but I'm almost more afraid.

How do moms with multiple children do it? I'm so afraid to fail Katie while being Mama to a newborn, especially since Katie holds my whole heart right now. She alone is my entire world, nothing & no one matter more. I don't know how I'm going to be able to share myself with another child & let Katie still be Katie.

Anxiety & doubt have been following me around like classroom bullies. I'm too old. I don't have the patience for two kids. What if my postpartum depression comes back? How am I going to cope with sleep deprivation & having another child who needs me? How am I going to provide two children with everything they deserve? I'm going to end up screwing this up. What if this baby doesn't sleep just like Katie didn't. I am SO worried about so many things.

Postpartum is on my mind a lot. Few things in my life have been scarier than that period of time. It changed me forever, some ways that have yet to be 'repaired' & although I'm hyper aware, I was last time too. I didn't know what I was feeling to be postpartum depression. I hope if it comes back I'll be better prepared to tackle it with a vengeance.

Last time, I told myself & everyone around me that I'd make sure to tell someone if I felt depressed. It took hysterical crying & hyperventilating on my living room floor while contemplating downing a bottle of dilaudid to get me to see that I needed help.

The fact that I wasn't afraid of dying but couldn't take the pills because Katie would be alone crying for too long before her father came home made me see that I needed help. That still scares me. I was so close to doing something very stupid & so very unlike me because of a chemical imbalance caused by childbirth.

Now, I'm going to have another child....