Trying my best

October 6, 2015 Jeff & I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary at the hospital by welcoming our son into the world.

It has been a wild 17 weeks to say the least. I had forgotten how much sleep deprivation hurts. You get to the point where you are so tired that you're nauseous but still you trudge along because you have no choice.

I fought a hard battle with postpartum depression & anxiety after I had Katie. I wanted to believe I could avoid that this time, but I was wrong.

Currently, I'm in the midst of postpartum depression, my anxiety has been flaring up & I hate it. 

This time I knew the signs & symptoms though, I knew how bad it could get if I tried to pretend I'm not feeling this way and also, this time I refuse go down without a fight.

There are many days when I just want to shut the world out. I don't want to talk on the phone or text anyone, but I tell myself at least texting is quiet.. There are days when my anxiety kicks me so hard that I'm short fused & snippy with Katie for just being a 5 yr old, but when I realize I'm wrong I apologize to her & we snuggle. There are days when the thought of leaving the house makes me uneasy, so I try to get dressed & go.

Having two kids has been a huge adjustment, especially since they both want to be on me a lot of the time. I miss personal space. I miss the quiet. I miss feeling like I've got a grip on thing.

I'll beat this depression again, I have confidence that will happen. Right now though - I'm just trying my best.

Catch me.

This carousel spins round 'n round
My head spins too

The horses go up & down
Like the ebb & flow of my emotions

Hanging on tightly to the reins
For fear of falling

If I fall...
I just can't

Hanging on tighter still
Refusing to fall

How long does this carousel spin
Because I'm done with this fear

I loosen my grip
Knowing if I fall, he's there to catch me.

And that makes all the difference.

Doubt. Fear. A bun in the oven.

A lot has changed in the two months since I last blogged.

My sister-in-law has caused extreme amounts of havoc in the lives of my family members. I truly believe she needs psychiatric help but she'd say that I'm the crazy one. I've removed myself from the situation. I'm done dealing with her & him too. It hurts too much & it's too much stress. Not my zoo, not my animals. I have bigger fish to fry.

We found out a week & a half ago that we're having a baby.

Uh...yeah.

I was done having babies. One & done. That was my motto. I have the most amazing child, I never expected to have any children so I was overjoyed at being a mom to only her.

Then, Boom! Pregnant.

I knew almost immediately. I told Jeff that I was pregnant before it was even humanly possible. Chemistry hadn't taken over yet, how did I know? I still don't understand it but I knew & had to wait two weeks for a test to tell me what I already knew for sure.

We told everyone the day we found out, which was probably crazy but I spent so much time being afraid when I was pregnant with Katie & I want to try to relax this time.

I'm scared to death though. I didn't think I'd be so scared since I know how to raise a child to at least 4.5 but I'm almost more afraid.

How do moms with multiple children do it? I'm so afraid to fail Katie while being Mama to a newborn, especially since Katie holds my whole heart right now. She alone is my entire world, nothing & no one matter more. I don't know how I'm going to be able to share myself with another child & let Katie still be Katie.

Anxiety & doubt have been following me around like classroom bullies. I'm too old. I don't have the patience for two kids. What if my postpartum depression comes back? How am I going to cope with sleep deprivation & having another child who needs me? How am I going to provide two children with everything they deserve? I'm going to end up screwing this up. What if this baby doesn't sleep just like Katie didn't. I am SO worried about so many things.

Postpartum is on my mind a lot. Few things in my life have been scarier than that period of time. It changed me forever, some ways that have yet to be 'repaired' & although I'm hyper aware, I was last time too. I didn't know what I was feeling to be postpartum depression. I hope if it comes back I'll be better prepared to tackle it with a vengeance.

Last time, I told myself & everyone around me that I'd make sure to tell someone if I felt depressed. It took hysterical crying & hyperventilating on my living room floor while contemplating downing a bottle of dilaudid to get me to see that I needed help.

The fact that I wasn't afraid of dying but couldn't take the pills because Katie would be alone crying for too long before her father came home made me see that I needed help. That still scares me. I was so close to doing something very stupid & so very unlike me because of a chemical imbalance caused by childbirth.

Now, I'm going to have another child....