Once an atheist, always an atheist? Maybe not...

For many years now I've identified myself as an Atheist because I don't believe in the bible, Jesus or religion. It was something that was hard to admit to myself & then even harder to admit to family. My parents were heartbroken, as if I failed them or they failed me, when it wasn't about any of that at all - I just couldn't pretend anymore.

I've never been one of those atheist who would tell someone they are wrong for believing in any of it but just that I don't believe in it. I've always been one to think, if it brings you peace & doesn't harm or hinder anyone else, believe in monkeys for all I care; whereas I know so many people automatically assume all atheist hate people who believe & think they're idiots for it.  I can't say that I understand how people can believe in a book written according to disciples thousands of years ago when a game of telephone with 15 people can't get a message across a room correctly or that I can understand people who say they do things that are hateful in the name of God but I by no means assume every Christian to be the same.

I don't really know when I stopped believing in Jesus, maybe I always had doubts but my young mind wouldn't go there because we went to church as kids, Sunday school, I was confirmed, the whole nine yards & I felt like I had to believe in it all. I think I wanted to really believe in it all but eventually my lack of faith in the unseen & my lack of feeling connected lead me to my current truths about religion.

I've been thinking about god lately though & my beliefs; I think I'm more Agnostic than Atheist because although I do not for one second believe in Jesus, I truly do believe there is something bigger than all of us.

There is a force in this world, some just call it the Universe, directing the ebbs & flows of our lives, the energy we put in & give out, it comes back to us. I believe in that with everything I am & all that I have. I believe if you work hard enough & believe in something with enough positive energy, good things will come to you. I believe we control our destiny with the way we think & the energy we put out into the world. If we hold on to negative feelings & energy they will fester in unimaginable ways. That's partly why I'm so glad that I'm not one to hold grudges, they're bad for your health & mental well-being but also because you can't have a positive life & be a negative person.

Being pregnant with our second child is what made me start to question my beliefs again. How could I think there isn't something bigger than us when I was told by so many Doctors that I'd have a hard time getting pregnant & I'm going to have a second child? I have to believe that this is part of a bigger plan, that this baby, much like it's big sister, came to us because I felt like it was something I wanted. Neither of our children were planned but they both happened around times when I spent an inordinate amount of free time looking at baby clothes, baby names & seeing myself holding newborns. I can understand how kooky that all sounds but it's my truth. I knew that this baby was going to happen because of the way it's sister happened. There was no real reason for me to be able to get pregnant the first time & plenty of mothers struggle the second time, but my body did what I didn't think it could do, twice. If that's not something bigger than all of us, I don't know what is but I'm not comfortable calling that something god or Jesus.

I don't know what I'll tell Katie when she starts encountering people who believe in god openly because she knows nothing about god or religion at this point in her life. I'm okay with that because I want her to grow to learn things that interest her & feel right for her, I don't want religious guilt to hang over her if she doesn't believe what she's being taught. I want her to question things & know that whatever she chooses to believe in whether it be Jesus, Allah, Buddha or nothing at all, I'm okay with it & her decisions as long as she's a good person. I don't believe morals need to be attached to religion, because there are so many religious people who are very immoral & hypocritical. I want her to know that right & wrong are all that matter in life, the spiritual being she believes in doesn't change right & wrong. I want her to believe in love, kindness & acceptance.

I really feel like allowing myself to feel a connection to the Universe & accepting that I do believe in something bigger than all of us gives me a peace of mind that I've been missing. So, peace & love once again reign supreme in my life. Thank you, Universe for all you have given me.

She'll never have friends with a weird mom like me.

Two weeks ago I stepped outside my comfort zone - way outside. I sent Facebook inbox messages to two moms that I know a bit, inviting each of them over with their daughters for a play date with Katie & I. One mom replied that she'd love to, the other mom (who was online a lot that day & I know saw the message) didn't even bother to reply.

I set up & had a wonderful play date with the mother who did reply but for two weeks the mother who didn't reply has been on my mind. A constant barrage of unanswered & often irrational questions & thoughts. Why didn't she reply? What about me doesn't she like? Am I always going to cost Katie friends? I'm definitely going to be the reason she doesn't have friends. Why can't I just be like everyone else? Poor Katie, why does she have to have such a weird mother? I wish I was just normal.

I, honestly, expect to be the reason she doesn't have certain friends in her lifetime.

I am not your average person, most definitely not your average Miramichier & I know that. I tend to think outside the box more than most people. I try hard not to judge people on their outer shell, because all too often it really is just a shell & once you crack it, there's so much beauty. I believe passionately in equality & justice. I get fired up over injustice & judgment. I'm a hippie, I know people have their ideas about what a hippie is, but in my soul, that's just who I am. I wear bright clothes, I talk too loudly, I swear too much, I don't believe in god but I believe it's your right to if you so choose, I think all love is equal, babies need love not parents of both genders, I am pro-choice & that doesn't mean I'm pro-abortion, Climate change is happening, SCIENCE MATTERS, marijuana shouldn't be illegal & Americans need better gun control.

There are people in my life that I have plenty of reasons to hate but there is no single person that I actually hate. Not one. I believe to hate is to actually wish ill for another person or to be happy if something unfortunate were to happen to them, I don't have anyone in my life like that. I can't hold hate in my heart. That's not saying that there aren't people I dislike a lot, people I never want to be around EVER but I don't hate them.

For two weeks, these have been the thoughts in my head, I've been reviewing what I believe, am I too vocal about it, should I tone down who I am, maybe I should talk less about being atheist or maybe anyone who doesn't like me for who I am can kiss my ass?? Yeah, we're going to go with the latter. That was the grand conclusion of my two weeks of soul searching.

I like who I am, I like the person I'm becoming, I like the lessons I'm teaching my daughter & the person she's becoming as a result. So what if I don't believe in god - I believe in right & wrong, I'm pro-choice - you don't have to choose to have an abortion, I'm 100%  for gay rights - chances are someone you love is gay & you just don't know it, legalizing marijuana - people are going to buy & smoke it either way but only one is good for the economy. I like making up silly songs about everything I do, I like dancing randomly in public & not caring at all, I like not being so wrapped up in what other people think because their opinions of me do not matter.

Hindsight has shown me that the mom who didn't reply did me a huge favour, I went from feeling really terrible about myself for not being accepted by her to realizing that it's okay because I truly like who I am & the values I have.

She's still on my Facebook & may very well see this after I share it but I don't care either way. Hopefully she'll realize that basic etiquette can go a long way.

Spirituality

I think a person Spirituality is something that can't be argued or debated, it's something very personal and with that said here I go.

Spirituality is something so very foreign to me. I feel as if there is so much more to life. I feel like I'm missing something. I don't have a 'God' to pray to -or do I? I flip flop a lot.

I want to believe, to have 'faith' in the unknown, the uncertain, but it just isn't a part of my character to do so. I question things, challenge them, rationalize them. There is no rationality to 'God'. This almighty being or spirit or whatever, that sees all, hears all & has the power to do whatever he chooses, yet he chooses to do nothing.

Floods, fired, famine, genocide, climate change, rampant diseases, poverty and so many other issues go unresolved without help from 'God'.

I get so frustrated with the uncertainty I feel. I'd really like to be able to resolve my feelings one way or another. Maybe there is a 'God' somewhere who believes in my ability to find him one day, and I just have to sift through all the junk clouding my head first....who knows??