Treading water

Imagine you're speeding along the highway, you think you see an animal run out in front of you; you slam on the breaks, your heart is racing, you can't catch your breath & your passengers don't understand why you stopped so abruptly. You look up, there is no animal, no one else sees or saw an animal. It was all in your head. That is how anxiety feels for me.

The last few weeks have been hard anxiety wise. It feels like it's getting  progressively worse again but it also feels like I'm more aware of what's happening. What's happening is that agoraphobia is a very real, very persistent part of my life. There are so many days I want to stay in the house & I'm so glad I don't actually have to leave for anything. Now, though, I'm beginning to have a hard time again leaving the house even when I want to. I've been without that feeling for so long, it's disappointing to have it come back without warning.

Panic disorder & anxiety can really trick your brain into thinking you're weak. That you have all these unknown things to be afraid of. Your conscious mind can fight all it wants, you can say out loud that you're fine & there's nothing to be afraid of, but anxiety doesn't care about those things.

Sometimes, for me, it can just be too many people & too much noise in a room. Sometimes, it can be that I'm trying to get the kids out the door & there are too many little things to do. Sometimes, it hits me & I have no idea why but it can flatten me.

People all too often assume that a panic attack is a person breathing into a paper bag. While that may be true for some, it isn't true for everyone all of the time. I've had a few severe attacks that caused me to be unable to breathe but that's the least of my problems when I have an attack. When anxiety shakes me up I may be weepy, I may experience rage, I may feel my heart race, I may get a cold flash followed by a hot flash which instantly covers my body in sweat, my hands may tremble, my stomach will most definitely twist & turn - so many things happening at once.

I hate it all & I wish I knew how to stop it. It feels like I should have a grip on this by now. I'm tired of revisiting this issue. I'm tired of depression, too. I'm tired of my brain not doing what it should.

It doesn't matter to me that I know more people on antidepressants & antianxiety medication than not. It matters to me that I can't fix me.  I want to feel strong & capable, I had that for what felt like a fleeting second but it's gone now. I feel like most days I'm just staying afloat. You can't see my tired legs treading water, you just see that my head is still above the water because anything else means anxiety wins, I won't allow that to happen. I will fight hard even when I don't want to. I feel like I'm failing more than winning these days but I know I'm fighting. That's all I can do - tread water with everything I have & keep my head above water. 

It's like Dory says 'Just keep swimming'.

The Right People.

I just saw this on Facebook & it summed up perfectly how I've been feeling the last few weeks. I miss my Right People, I don't have many of them around anymore. Why are Montreal & Calgary so far away?

On a regular basis I am with other mothers - they're a great bunch of women who outside of our children I have nothing in common with. I'm not like the other playgroup moms, I know that, I feel it, it hangs over me like a surprisingly heavy curtain. It's my reminder that although we get along when we are together for the sake of our children, I'm not ever going to be one of them. None of these women would ever do anything to make me feel out of place & I don't want it to ever seem like they have but I'm a realist, I'm not naive to my surroundings.

I guess part of being the very liberal, tattooed, Atheist, hippie mom who says fuck a lot is accepting that you aren't always going to easily find your 'Right People'. Some days that is a much easier pill to swallow than others.

I don't know how to find people who are like me, I mean, honestly I don't think a lot of people are actually like me, I'm a bit of a one off. People who love me just get me, they not only know but expect me to be passionate, loud, quirky, goofy, stubborn, potty-mouthed, loving, compassionate combined with a slew of other equally wonderful & potentially loathsome characteristics.

I miss the comfort of just laying my honest truth on someone & knowing they aren't going to judge me no matter what I say. I miss laughing so hard (over the simplest thing) that my face hurts, my stomach is cramped & we've both snort laughed. I miss being out & about with a friend who I can give that sideways 'did you see/hear/smell that' look to & then see how long we can hold in the laughter when we get on the same page. Truthfully, I miss being the presence of a friend who can tell me that I'm being an unreasonable asshole & know that it's coming from a place of love.

You may learn in school that Canada is 9.9 million sq. kms or simply that it's the second largest in the world but you can't understand the greatness of that until your Right People are spread out along those kilometers. 

Believe me when I say, Canada is a huge country & I miss my Right People. 

Freedom in a dye bottle

You may not have noticed but my hair is wild. I am currently sporting a pinkish red faux hawk. My father loves to tease me & call me Big Boy from the fast food chain, my mother is seemingly traumatized & I have a feeling my brother still thinks I'm a closet lesbian.

What's the deal with the crazy hair is what some may ask; Please, let me tell you.

My hair is a symbol of freedom for me. It's liberation from my biggest fear - social anxiety.

My social anxiety is largely based on the fact that I expect people to always be talking about me behind my back. I expect them all to be whispering about what a hateful bitch I am, how fat I am, how weird I am, how I don't think the same things they do, I don't believe in the same things most people do, I'm a weirdo. I just expect people to talk about me & never in a good way.

Naturally a pink faux hawk would be the best way to give people something to talk about if they so choose to.

The greatest thing I've discovered is that I'm really okay with it even if they are talking poorly about me. It isn't a reflection on who I am as a person, it's a reflection of who they are.

I'm tired of always worrying & being afraid. I'm tired of living in fear of judgment from other people. I'm tired of not living life because I may not be what other people expect or want me to be.

Letting go of fear is going to be my theme for 2015, I'm just starting a bit early. This ridiculous hair that even I think is a bit silly makes me smile. It's fun, it isn't hurting anyone else, it doesn't make me a bad person, it doesn't make me any less intelligent, capable or loving, it is just hair. I do not now, nor do I ever plan to again care what people think of my hair.  There so many bigger fish to fry in my life.


Besides...Katie likes it that she has a fun mom...