He Fights

Dark clouds circle

Like they always have

She feels the storm

It's in the air

It's in her soul

She could let it come

Let it swallow her

Let herself drown in it

Instead she'll swim

against the current

of the storm brought

flood waters

She sees that never again

will she be alone

He fights with her

Beside her & for her

Their life is worth it

She loves him for

fighting for her

but more because

he made her

fight for herself

Out of Control

I feel like things are out of my control. I don't want to go back to work. Plain & simple. I don't mind working Saturdays, because Katie is home with her Daddy. I do not want to pay someone else to spend their day with my child. PAY SOMEONE?! What? I understand that it's a profession, but the idea of needing to pay someone to spend their day with my wonderful girl, just seems asinine. I want to stay home & spend my days with her. I want to teach her things, and be the one she looks at with excitement when she has learned something new. I want to be the one she gives middle of the day hugs to. The one she snuggles with after her morning nap. How will I be able to go to work every single day, and deal with the ache in my heart from not being with her?

I know mothers go back to work every day. They leave their babies with competent people who care for & love their children, but I just don't know how I'm going to do it. It's swallowing me up. I feel panic set in as I even think about looking for a daycare. There's not going to be anyone good enough, that's just the bottom line. I am her Mama, she needs me & frankly, I need her.

Also, I just feel like my life is out of my control. Financially, we're just barely keeping our head above water, thanks to my amazing hubby being grossly underpaid at the job he held for 5 years, and my being on Maternity Leave since last May. It's overwhelming. I feel like some days it's swallowing me up. I get lost in the frustration & hopelessness. On my stronger days I feel like good things are just around the corner for us. I hope I'm right.

Then there's my weight. I am utterly disgusted with myself. I know that this is something within my control. I get that. I get that I am responsible for this body. I get that I have eaten my way to this. I have complete grasp of that. What I'm having a really hard time with, is the why. I don't understand why I can't get control of it. Why do I chose the chocolate bar over an apple? I know the pros & cons of both, why as an intelligent adult do I continue to make the wrong choice?

Food has been my 'friend' when I had no one else. It has been there through every up & down of my life. Every lonely depressed day I spent as a kid pretending that I wasn't picked on in school, another cookie...sure...why not? Every fight with my Mom, I wanted to eat because I just felt like I was never going to be enough anyhow. I guess I still feel that way.

I seclude myself and eat, because what if people don't like me? I talk a lot, I can be loud, I'm fat, why would anyone ever like me? I guess in my head, I'll always be the fat kid who got picked on in math class. So, for me, it's just easier to stay home & eat...I don't know how to change that.

Sunday Rambling

I feel the need to write, but I don't have a topic or anything at all spinning around in my head, except that my fingers need to be clicking & clacking on the keyboard right now. I need to write.

It's Sunday morning. I'm home alone with Katie, this is a first. Jeff is gone to get training for his new job that starts a week from tomorrow. I'm, no, we're hoping that this job opens up doors for us. That it makes life easier for us. We both fully expect him to have to work harder & sacrifice a bit more, but for now that's how it has to be.

Yesterday, I worked my third Saturday. I'm working on Saturdays to help us out financially as well. I don't mind being there really, and it gives Katie some one on one Daddy time. I wish I could only work Saturdays from now on, but the days are ticking away until I'm back full time.

I sent Jeff a job posting in Fredericton last night. I want him to apply, I don't know why, but I feel like a change is needed. I feel like things in Moncton aren't going to get better, I don't know why I feel that but I really do. I feel like our life here is stagnant. Something needs to change.

I know we have a lot of responsibility now with being parents, but that doesn't mean life should be dull. I feel like it should be the very opposite. I don't want Katie to have a boring life, where she's afraid to try new things, or where she wants to stay in all the time doing nothing. I want to shake life up. Grab it by the horns, and just have fun.

I wish I could find the will power & mentally have it 'click' for us to get healthy. I am tired of being fat. I really am, but I just can't seem to get it to click. I want to be healthy, for me, for Jeff but most of all for Katie. I want her to be able to follow my lead. I want her to know that eating healthy & exercising is what we need to do for our bodies, but how will she ever believe me when I chow down on chips & chocolate & drink pop...oh..but it's diet...like that matters.

I want to be better than I am. I want to have a better job, a real job actually. I want to be better at saving money, any would be a good start. I want to stop being a potty mouth. I want to be healthy & active.

I'm so full of excuses for everything. It's sometimes exhausting being such a procrastinator. I'm the Queen of 'yeah, I'll do it in a minute'. I need to stop that, and just do whatever it is I'm 'postponing'.

I think the thing that bugs me the most is that I'm all talk, no action. I never follow through, ever. That's kind of depressing, but today it's going to get a bit better. I have company coming over this week. My apartment needs to be cleaned, and I'm going to go above & beyond today. This apartment will be shining when I'm done. Maybe tomorrow, I'll make another decision that I otherwise wouldn't. Baby steps.

Being Paula

Lately I've been thinking about who I see myself as, and who I think I can become. I've been off work for 9 months, and I've loved every single minute of it. I don't know if it's simply because I'm lazy or what, but being off work is the greatest thing ever!! I mean, I work, every single day I'm Mama, but I get to work with my favourite person, so even my bad days are guaranteed a moment of pure happy.

The idea of going back to work terrifies & sickens me. Just typing those words now has brought tears to my eyes. Leaving my girl, my dooders, my tootsie, my baby...my baby...every single day with someone else, it tears at my heart. I feel like in that moment everything changes. I'm no longer the person she spends most of her time with. Who ever we choose to care for our girl gets to spend all that time with her. The time where I get the best giggles, smiles & snuggles. I miss her already.

I've been trying to figure out ways for me not to have to return to work, but that's not an option for us unfortunately. We, like so many others, are a 2 income family. It makes me so jealous of the people who get to be home with their babes. I'm going to stay positive though, and hope that some day we'll find a way.

I'm trying to figure out if I want to go back to my job or if I want to go a different route. I'm not sure what the right choice is. My job has some great perks, but it has some major faults as well. I, sometimes, think about going back to school. I'd love that so much! I'd love to find a 'real' job. I work in a dying industry now, so I feel like the clock is ticking on my job.

There are days too, where I think about writing. I'd love to find a way to free myself enough to write, really, honestly & truly write. I feel deep down that that day will come for me. I am meant to write, it's a part of my soul, my essence, this is something I know for sure.

I guess, in all this thinking I've been doing, I'm realizing that I'm starting to morph into 'Katie's Mama', and I feel less like 'Paula'. I'm losing that weird hippie chick. I'm no longer current on news, or music, or anything.

I plan to spend some time over my next 3 months off, and try to focus on still being the weird hippie chick. The girl Jeff fell in love with. The girl I'm in love with.

so many changes

Here we are 8 days into a new year, I can't believe how much has changed in the last 365 days.

The amount of love in our home has multiplied exponentially & immeasurably. One word says it all for me 'Katie'. I am so incredibly in love with her. She is this little spunky ball of fire. She's so curious, clever & determined. I am in awe. If she wants it, she will do or have it. Seriously, there is no happier moment in my day than when while getting her hair rinsed in the tub she starts kicking & splashing so much that the entire bathroom is water splattered. I love it! Or her amazement with our cell phones, it's compulsive, frustrating & adorable. She is my favourite person, plain & simple.

Then there is the love between this amazing man & I. He has held me so many times over the last year as we heard a first heartbeat, waited for a first cry, after we heard a first laugh, as I've cried and after I've laughed. He has nursed me back to health a few too many times over the last year. He has tended to my absolute every single need. He is beyond amazing to me. I'm so lucky to have him. More than that, WE are lucky to have him.

Watching them together makes me feel like nothing can touch us. That is pure love & nothing else matters. Seeing how caring he is with our baby girl is so endearing.

I've come to realize that I don't need a lot of things anymore. I have all I need in my life with this amazing man & our little spunky ball of fire.

grey clouds

I'm a new mom, and along with being a new mom I was an overwhelmed mom who was & still is suffering from mild postpartum depression. For the last few weeks I've had a grey cloud over my head everywhere I went. I mean I felt happiness & loved my girl with all her smiles, giggles & accomplishments, but there was a grey cloud that made it hard to be deep down happy.

More than a few times in the last few weeks I have felt like I was going crazy, but didn't talk about it. I felt like I was a terrible mother just going through the motions of looking after Katie's needs but that I wasn't soaking up the moments. I was filling in the time but I wasn't present at all. I didn't feel in all honesty like I was doing that great of a job with her. Here she is, this BEAUTIFUL & AMAZING child , but the grey cloud dominated my thoughts. It was a dark place. Darker than anyone knew I was in, which I'm angry at myself for because I promised everyone I'd talk to them if this happened.

The thoughts that go through the mind of a woman suffering postpartum depression are surprising & scary, also, when they are your own thoughts they are embarrassing & shameful. You don't want to talk to anyone for fear of people thinking you are a horrible human being, a terrible, unfit mother who doesn't deserve such a precious gem of a child. I don't plan on talking about the thoughts that I have had, but they scared me & often I had to remind myself how strong I am & that I will get through the moment. Reminding myself of that giggling girl was often the only thing that got me through them. I am so grateful for her.

Yesterday I had the lowest day I have had yet. The little grey cloud was huge. I spent 3/4 of the day crying. I thought many times that Katie might be off better without me, without this crazy woman as her mother. I thought she'd be better off without me around to screw up her precious life. I thought Jeff would be better off without me around to screw up his life, like everyone & everything would be better without me. Then reality hit me, I looked at this little bundle of mine, this rosy cheeked, bright eyed treasure, this gift I never thought I'd have & realized that I was wrong. She needs me, she loves me, Jeff loves me & needs me. I also realized that I am a good Mom. I love Katie with all that I am & all that I have. She is my world & for the rest of my life she will know that.

I'm happy to say today the grey cloud has lifted...blue skies are all I see...I'm not expecting blue skies everyday, but I also don't ever expect total cloud cover either.

I'm back....and I have to say it feels good because I really missed me.

Respect

Why do some people think that respect is something that is automatic? I don't understand that whatsoever. There are people in my life & the lives of my family members that are some of the most disrespectful & unrespectable people I have ever met.

I don't tolerate this very well. I am angry at the lack of respect shown to a certain member of my family, one I love very much. The person showing them this disrespect, in my opinion, is not a good person at the core of their being. I think they are petty, sad & pitiful. More than hating this person, I feel extreme pity toward them . It must be sad & hard to live a life where you are so inherently unhappy that you can be so disrespectful of other people. A life where people only pretend to like you but when you aren't around they talk about the immense amount of faults you have & how you need to get help for them.

I am angry at the disrespect this person has shown me in my journey with them. I have given more chances than ever earned or deserved but I am now done. There are no more chances... after the 10th or 11th I tend to wear out.

I don't think I have it in me to play fake nice anymore and honestly, I have no reason to play fake nice. What's the point of it? Let's pretend to like each other because we have a person in common? No, I don't think so...not anymore. You don't like me, I'm very much aware of this, and I know you know that I don't like you, so let's not pretend anymore.

I also don't understand how people think they are better or smarter than someone else only because they have a University education. As far as I'm concerned, you can go to University for 15 years, it doesn't make you any smarter or better than joe blow who has worked his whole life. So, throwing that in someone's face only proves that you have no idea of how the real world works. Life experience, common sense & how you treat others counts for one hell of a lot more than a University diploma on the wall.

In case it isn't quite clear, I'm angry & I'm hurt for this family member, they deserve better than this. I just wish they really realized it & would walk away. My heart breaks for the life they could have without this person....a life of drama free happiness....what a concept!