I refuse to fix it this time

My heart & head have been hurting for a while - when someone you love isn't who you thought they were, it can take a while to reconcile the truth from the illusion. That's what I've been trying to do.

When someone you love doesn't care enough about you or others you love to be truthful, respectful & sensible. You have to eventually stop allowing that person into your space.

It's so hard to do, you can't shut off love, especially when it's family. My anger & disappointment don't cancel out my love or my wishing things could be different but for my self respect, I have to walk away.

Problems that aren't mine for years have taken over my life when this person needed me. Countless hours on the telephone, in person & online listening to the horror stories of how this person was being treated so poorly but wanted their partner to take them back. I consoled, I bitched, I gave my unfiltered opinions, I defended this person, but for what?  I'm so very angry.

I don't know when I've ever before been so deeply hurt. I don't know how to deal with the pain I feel or how to deal with the absence of this person in my life. I'm so incredibly pained by the lack of concern for others being shown by this person. People who have loved & supported them have just been shut out while this person makes possible life altering decisions for someone who would toss them away like a piece of useless trash.

I just can't reconcile the whole thing & it's taking over my spare quiet moments when I have time to think. It's making me spontaneously cry when I least expect it. It's making me angry.

I just know that I deserve better from this person. So very much better & I won't accept less ever again. I'm not a doormat, I'm not someone to use when needed & then ignore when 'life is good', I'm not here just for this person, I expect them to be here for me when needed too. That hasn't happened in a very, very long time.

So, as much love as I feel, the hurt & anger are taking over & I'm not sure how repairable that is. I'm done letting anyone, even family treat me like I'm only important when they need me.

I guess what I'm saying is that I refuse to fix it this time.

She'll never have friends with a weird mom like me.

Two weeks ago I stepped outside my comfort zone - way outside. I sent Facebook inbox messages to two moms that I know a bit, inviting each of them over with their daughters for a play date with Katie & I. One mom replied that she'd love to, the other mom (who was online a lot that day & I know saw the message) didn't even bother to reply.

I set up & had a wonderful play date with the mother who did reply but for two weeks the mother who didn't reply has been on my mind. A constant barrage of unanswered & often irrational questions & thoughts. Why didn't she reply? What about me doesn't she like? Am I always going to cost Katie friends? I'm definitely going to be the reason she doesn't have friends. Why can't I just be like everyone else? Poor Katie, why does she have to have such a weird mother? I wish I was just normal.

I, honestly, expect to be the reason she doesn't have certain friends in her lifetime.

I am not your average person, most definitely not your average Miramichier & I know that. I tend to think outside the box more than most people. I try hard not to judge people on their outer shell, because all too often it really is just a shell & once you crack it, there's so much beauty. I believe passionately in equality & justice. I get fired up over injustice & judgment. I'm a hippie, I know people have their ideas about what a hippie is, but in my soul, that's just who I am. I wear bright clothes, I talk too loudly, I swear too much, I don't believe in god but I believe it's your right to if you so choose, I think all love is equal, babies need love not parents of both genders, I am pro-choice & that doesn't mean I'm pro-abortion, Climate change is happening, SCIENCE MATTERS, marijuana shouldn't be illegal & Americans need better gun control.

There are people in my life that I have plenty of reasons to hate but there is no single person that I actually hate. Not one. I believe to hate is to actually wish ill for another person or to be happy if something unfortunate were to happen to them, I don't have anyone in my life like that. I can't hold hate in my heart. That's not saying that there aren't people I dislike a lot, people I never want to be around EVER but I don't hate them.

For two weeks, these have been the thoughts in my head, I've been reviewing what I believe, am I too vocal about it, should I tone down who I am, maybe I should talk less about being atheist or maybe anyone who doesn't like me for who I am can kiss my ass?? Yeah, we're going to go with the latter. That was the grand conclusion of my two weeks of soul searching.

I like who I am, I like the person I'm becoming, I like the lessons I'm teaching my daughter & the person she's becoming as a result. So what if I don't believe in god - I believe in right & wrong, I'm pro-choice - you don't have to choose to have an abortion, I'm 100%  for gay rights - chances are someone you love is gay & you just don't know it, legalizing marijuana - people are going to buy & smoke it either way but only one is good for the economy. I like making up silly songs about everything I do, I like dancing randomly in public & not caring at all, I like not being so wrapped up in what other people think because their opinions of me do not matter.

Hindsight has shown me that the mom who didn't reply did me a huge favour, I went from feeling really terrible about myself for not being accepted by her to realizing that it's okay because I truly like who I am & the values I have.

She's still on my Facebook & may very well see this after I share it but I don't care either way. Hopefully she'll realize that basic etiquette can go a long way.

My Mom

I speak like her, quickly & quite a bit. I fly off the handle like she did. I cry like her. I have a soft heart like her. I am strong like her. I am so proud of her. More so, I am so proud to come from her.

My mother...if you know Velna, you know all of the above is true about her, two fold if you know me as well. She & I, we are so alike in more ways than either of us even realize.  I am really just so proud to be her daughter.

It wasn't long ago that you wouldn't have heard those words from me.  Not because I didn't love my Mom, but because I didn't understand.  I didn't get it.  I didn't see her as a person, she was just my Mom.  This woman I rammed heads with for how many ever years. I see her for so much more now.

We spent a lot time battling each other.  She wanted so much for me.  She saw things in me that I didn't see.  She saw me throwing away my life by not trying in school.  Little did I understand then, and really until recently, that she was angry with me because she loved me so damn much. I get it now. Hindsight....

She has always loved me the best way she knew how.  She has always worried about me. She has always been proud of me...all things that I've really come to realize since moving home.  I can't believe I ever doubted any of those things.  I was so wrapped up in my own anger, depression & anxiety.

In case you don't know my Mom, she's a really great person.  She loves with her whole heart, she's determined (our polite way of saying stubborn), she would honestly give her family the shirt off her back if we even hinted at needed it, she loves to sing, dance & laugh,. She loves her children so much, but there is nothing in comparison to the love she shows Katie.

My Mom, is the best Grammy!! Holy cow, she's awesome!! She loves little Katie Lou with every fiber of her being.  That little girl knows that Grammy loves her, she knows Grammy thinks she's smart, beautiful & funny. She loves her Grammy so much in return.  They are such a gift to each other.

I am so glad that we moved home.  It has allowed my Mom & I to heal our relationship.  It has allowed us to  love each other openly.  It has allowed us to become much more what we have both always wanted. Mostly, it has allowed me to realize what a gift I have in my Mom.

Mom, I love you.  I love you, I love you, I love you.  Thank you for always loving me & I get it now.

I'm not that girl

Today, I was showing Katie my baby pictures, at the back of the album were these 4 pictures.  Prom 1996. It wasn't my prom, but that of my very platonic friend.  If you look closely, you'll notice something in all 4 photos, I have my arms covering my stomach.  Also, if you look closely, you'll notice I wasn't that big. I was about 175lbs, 5'8, a bit chubby at best.  I felt immediately saddened for that girl.  I remember being that girl. So very vividly.  She was so insecure. She felt so out of place & really thought no boy would ever love her.

As a teenager, I really didn't feel like I was ever good enough.  I didn't have any sense of style, I hung out in the band room (I love all my band friends, but we all know we weren't the 'cool' kids), I was flunking math, science and anything else that didn't interest me & I was fat.  Soooo incredibly fat!!! Except, I wasn't.

I wasn't fat.  I wasn't stupid.  I wasn't uncool.  The thing is, it has taken me until now to realize that.

I am at the beginning of what I believe to be the biggest change of my life.  Less than 2 weeks ago, Jeff & I started living a healthier life. We've been watching what we eat, he has been walking a lot, I go sometimes, and it feels really great.  Neither of us feel like we're giving up much.  It feels good to care about myself & my Katherine enough to do this. I fully believe I'm getting mentally stronger because of it, as well.

For someone who believes so strongly in the power of positive thought, I have been sucking in & blowing out a lot of negative energy the last little while. I guess I have been realizing lately that because I'm not by nature, a super happy-go-lucky person, I need to be more aware of the energy I put out. I want great things, so I have to put out great energy! Bottom line.

I wish the girl in those pictures knew then what I know now about life.  I know everyone says it, but when you have the first real moment where you realize what you've been through in your life & how proud you should be sometimes just for being here, breathing, living & loving.  My god....I wish I had of known then what I know now.

I think I would've taken the right things much more seriously. I would not have been such a self-conscious follower, because really, look at me; I have blue hair, I am not a follower. I thought I needed approval from people then that now, I wouldn't be upset if they never spoke to me again because I am stronger than I ever knew I could be.

I spent a lot of years feeling weak & unimportant.  I really thought that every person I ever encountered would think of me as a hateful bitch. Now, I cannot even fathom how many years of my life I spent believing that. I didn't think anyone would like me. Even when I had friends, mostly through work, I never really let anyone in, because I didn't believe they would ever really like me if they knew me. I'm a hateful bitch. Except, I'm not.

I'm not any of the things that my really vicious internal dialogue has been telling me for as long as I can even remember. It's funny the things you remember from your childhood; at the forefront of my brain is one time when I was at a friend's place & her older brother made fun of me by saying I had 'gummy lips'.  I remember thinking it was such a horrible thing, it stuck with me, until recently when I've realized that women pay money for lips like these! Mine were free!  Buh-Bye silly voice in my head!

I'm beginning to feel this fire inside me, I feel strong & confident. The old voices telling me how fat my legs are, how embarrassed I should be for showing them in public, the ones telling me how much people won't like me at first sight because I have foolish hair or because I'm a hateful bitch, they're going away.

I'm not that girl anymore, I'm twice as old now as I was then. I'm glad that even though it has taken way too long, the sadness & fears that she held are becoming less and less mine. It feels good to love yourself.  Who knew?

I like Garth, he likes Elvis....

Yesterday, he sent me a facebook message asking me to read over a letter of appeal based on his settlement amount for the class action Mirapex law suit.  I read over it & it brought back memories of a time when I thought I was going to lose him.  I thought his life would end because I knew he was spiraling out of control but I didn't realize it was his medication, I was & am 800kms away, so I had no idea at the time what he was up against.

My best friend, my friendship soul mate, my one person who is more real with me sometimes than even Jeff is because he doesn't have to live with me, my Robbie.

For those of you who don't know 'my' Robbie, we have been close since we met, best friends for most of it. I was 15, he was 17 when we first met.  I fell madly in teenage love with this wacky, loud, impulsive, attention drawing, Elvis loving teenage boy.  I saw beneath the layers of  'look at me' somehow or other, and I knew that we were meant to be...I thought then that I was meant to fall in love with him, he was going to become a famous singer, we were going to live in a mansion on a hill. Oh, the mind of a smitten 15 year old! In reality, we were meant to be the absolute best of friends.  We were meant to be there for each other no matter what terrifying shit life was going to throw at us.  We were meant to have such a bond that 7 years of not seeing each other meant nothing, and in 2 seconds we were back to being us.

Robbie was diagnosed with early onset Parkinson's Disease when he was 27 or 28, he's now 35 & has had to deal with more than any person should.  It's bad enough to find out at such a young age that your brain & body are fighting against what you want to be able to do, but then to end up taking a drug that is supposed to help you & ends up doing anything but.

Mirapex caused Robbie to become a person he isn't, it made him compulsive, it made him lie, it made him someone I didn't want to be friends with because I didn't know what was really happening.  He pawned all of his musical equipment to use for drugs & sex, anyone who knows Robbie Tucker, knows that this is NOT  him.  This is not the person he has ever been. He cheated on his partner, he would wander late at night looking for hook ups, he thought claiming he could raise 1 million dollars for the Parkinson's Society of Canada was a rational amount.  He was clearly, not in his right mind.  It was unnerving & terrifying. How he survived that period of time is beyond me.

Fast forward to today, Robbie is amazing.  He is down right inspiring.  He took charge of his life, he got a new neurologist, when his Mirapex prescribing one told him that he simply was bi-polar & needed more meds, instead of taking him seriously with his concerns.  He is deeply into yoga, clean eating & is amazing in the kitchen. He is now The Healthy Bitch, and makes lots of different healthy snacks that he sells at the yoga studio he attends. He volunteers at a food kitchen, he bikes anywhere that he can, he loves life in a way I don't think he ever has.

He amazes me, he challenges me, he makes me feel guilty for being such a lazy schmuck who has a body that works just fine but doesn't get used ever.  He makes me want to be a healthy bitch too!

Robbie, makes me more proud that he'll ever know.  I went from being a teenager in  puppy love to a best friend who loves him so deeply & unconditionally, I cannot imagine my life without Robbie Tucker. He isn't just my friend, he is absolutely my family.

As I was saying when I started this entry, yesterday Robbie asked me to look over his letter of appeal on the settlement offered to him. I won't get into exact specifics but to be offered less than a thousand dollars for the damage done to his life makes me angry.  His life could have been lost because of the side effects of this medication, and the amount offered to him is like a slap in the face.  I, truly hope that Robbie & all others who have had to deal with the insurmountable financial & personal loss are compensated properly, however that may be.

Robbie Tucker, I am so incredible proud to even know you, I can't imagine how I got so lucky to be your best friend for life.  You are such an inspiring, strong & innovative human being.  I look forward to watching us as we grow old & get more bitter with life & each other! I look forward to watching you kick Parkinson's ass & never giving in, because we both know that you are the ABSOLUTE most stubborn person ever!

Peener loves you Toilet man!! Go laugh in the face of poop or Parkinson's or something......

This was Christmas formal 1994, I was 15, he was 17.

Respect

Why do some people think that respect is something that is automatic? I don't understand that whatsoever. There are people in my life & the lives of my family members that are some of the most disrespectful & unrespectable people I have ever met.

I don't tolerate this very well. I am angry at the lack of respect shown to a certain member of my family, one I love very much. The person showing them this disrespect, in my opinion, is not a good person at the core of their being. I think they are petty, sad & pitiful. More than hating this person, I feel extreme pity toward them . It must be sad & hard to live a life where you are so inherently unhappy that you can be so disrespectful of other people. A life where people only pretend to like you but when you aren't around they talk about the immense amount of faults you have & how you need to get help for them.

I am angry at the disrespect this person has shown me in my journey with them. I have given more chances than ever earned or deserved but I am now done. There are no more chances... after the 10th or 11th I tend to wear out.

I don't think I have it in me to play fake nice anymore and honestly, I have no reason to play fake nice. What's the point of it? Let's pretend to like each other because we have a person in common? No, I don't think so...not anymore. You don't like me, I'm very much aware of this, and I know you know that I don't like you, so let's not pretend anymore.

I also don't understand how people think they are better or smarter than someone else only because they have a University education. As far as I'm concerned, you can go to University for 15 years, it doesn't make you any smarter or better than joe blow who has worked his whole life. So, throwing that in someone's face only proves that you have no idea of how the real world works. Life experience, common sense & how you treat others counts for one hell of a lot more than a University diploma on the wall.

In case it isn't quite clear, I'm angry & I'm hurt for this family member, they deserve better than this. I just wish they really realized it & would walk away. My heart breaks for the life they could have without this person....a life of drama free happiness....what a concept!