It Gets Better

3 months ago my life was different than it is now.  I was in a dark place that kept getting darker.  I felt hopeless with my job.  I felt like my boss was bullying me, like I had no control over my situation, like it would never get better.  I felt trapped.  I used to wake up feeling incredibly sick, I would take bathroom breaks at work to lock myself in a stall & cry.  I was ready to ask my doctor to give me stronger anti-depressants.  Then, I took control by forcing myself to focus on the possibilities & using every ounce of positive energy I had in me for making things better.

I applied for jobs, knowing that I would absolutely find the right job for me.  The job that is going to help my family have less stress.  Then randomly out of the blue, I got an email.  An email, from a company I had actually applied with months earlier.Within 4 days of said email, I had a new job that started 4 days after I was hired.

I am so incredibly grateful for this change.  I needed it more than I even realized.

That being said, in the last 2 months, I've been experiencing panic attacks.  I've had them in the past but they were never this bad.  I know without a doubt that I can & will get through this.  Right now, however, it still sucks.  My Dr gave me anti-anxiety meds to take up to twice a day, I did that once & I was high as a kite.  I couldn't function, so now I'm only taking them when needed.  That seems to work for me, so I'll continue taking them that way.  Hopefully, before too long, I won't need them anymore.

My new schedule at work has been trying, but it also has a silver lining.  I work 4-12, Thurs-Mon.  I rarely get to see Jeff, which is so hard, but we're managing. Katie & I get 2 full days off together on my days off now, as well as most of the day on Saturday & Sunday. Three days a week, I only get to see her for an hour in the morning.  Those are the days that I dread.  She's changing so much that I don't want to miss any time with her, but Mama needs to work.

Despite all the crap, I know that it gets better & it is going to get better soon.  I feel it.  For now, I'm focusing on the things I can change, making the best of the moments that are mine & just putting my head down so I can plow through the tough days.

It gets better, Paula.  It gets better.

Green with Envy

You know, I think I'd be happier if I stopped wanting someone else's life. Wait, I love the people in my life, and wouldn't trade them, but materialistically I want other people's lives.

I spend so much time focusing on the things that we don't have, the things I want, the things we can't afford. I joke about being broke, and pretend I don't care.

I care, I care a lot. I know that we're doing the best we can with what we have. We could definitely do better, but I think we're doing fairly well. I just wish there was more to go around. I'm sure a lot of people do though.

It's weird when you become a parent how things change for you. The wants I have now are rarely for myself. I mean obviously some are, but mostly it's things I want for our girl. She never goes without, and by all means has more than enough but I still wish there was more.

As my previous entry stated...change is in the air...we'll see where it takes us

Change?

I feel tense lately. I'm not sleeping well. I'm moody & unpredictable. I'm stressed out & I have no idea why.

Today at work, it was busy. Really, really, busy. In the midst of the insanity, I got a ridiculously bad headache, and my words got a bit confused. It felt the same as the only other time that I've had a migraine, but I immediately popped some tylenol & put on my glasses, quickly I felt better. A little while later I felt like I might have a panic attack of sorts. I felt very anxious, in fact right now while typing this & recalling how I felt, I feel the same way. I feel like someone is squeezing my throat. Ok, I need to shake it off.

Wow, that was intense. Anyhow...I don't know what's going on with me. It's driving me crazy though.

I know that I need to look after myself better. I need to get exercise, some, at least...if not for me then for my little Katie Lou...my little lou lou bear...she deserves the best Mama she can have. I don't know why I can't force myself to understand that I need to change. I mean, I know it, obviously I know it, but why don't I feel like I'm enough to deserve it? Why can't I figure out a way to do this?

I feel like there's a big change coming in my life, our life soon...Something good is going to happen for us soon, maybe this is it? Maybe, getting our health back is the change...maybe, it's time for us to make it the change....

BNI

Rarely do I pat myself on the back. I'm not one to brag or promote myself at all, but hot damn I'm good at my job. I can do more things than any other regular agent in there, I'm trained in a multitude of tasks that most others can't do, and I'm proud of myself.

I, actually, really enjoy my job most days. I love that I have responsibilities beyond that of a Customer Care agent. I love that my boss came to me yesterday because she needs help in another branch of our department & asked me to help them out. I love that she knows that I'm capable of these things. I've only been back about 6 weeks & already I'm back fully in the swing of things from when I left.

I feel good about my job lately. I feel like I'm actually good at something other than being a Mom. My new (post-maternity leave) boss really seems to recognize people's strong points more. I appreciate that about her.

I get to laugh every day with a wide variety of people. We have people from early 20's to mid 60's and we manage to laugh together. It's fantastic.

I'm ok right now with my job. This makes me happy.

Worthless

I've been really down the last few days. I've tried to ignore it but the sadness is bigger & stronger than I am.

My head feels very tired. So many things spinning around. I'm trying really hard to decipher what's real from what is just my depression taking over. The line between the two is very slight & that sometimes makes it harder to think clearly.

I am so grateful for Katie, she's really the only reason I get up every day. She's the reason I haven't randomly quit my job, she's the reason I'm still alive. I, literally, owe my life to her.

I'm sitting in the lunchroom at work before my shift starts & it is taking everything in my power not to go into the bathroom & cry my face off. The sadness is gripping my every breathe, thought & movement, today. It's hard to function like this.

It's embarrassing to say this & really mean it but I feel worthless. I feel like no one likes me & why would they? I'm a bitch. Plain & simple.

My internal dialogue is extremely mean & degrading. I wish I could shut it up. I wish I felt worthy of anything good. I wish I wasn't me.

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Dark Days

I have dark days still, I don't know how to fight them off completely. I'm ok with that though, because I appreciate happy moments more now too. I feel real joy in my heart & soul when our beautiful daughter laughs, climbs, babbles, learns, teaches & breathes...the grey clouds have lifted from me when I'm in those moments.

Sometimes, I get stuck in my own head though. In the quiet moments at work, or when I can't sleep at night. I over analyze everything in our life & twist it into a 'woe is me' situation.

I have a good life, a great life in many ways, but we have a lot of worries too, same as a lot of people. I wish I could focus more on the good & great parts, but I dwell on the negative regardless of my knowledge that it will only bring more negativity.

I am a believer in the power of energy. We're all just generating energy in this world, and it makes me sad when I realize the energy I am putting out...I know I'm better than that & capable of better.

As I'm typing this I'm listening to music, and Mumford & Sons 'Timshel' came on and I heard the following lyrics.

And you are the mother
The mother of your baby child
The one to whom you gave life
And you have your choices
And these are what make man great
His ladder to the stars

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand
Hold your hand

I had to stop writing, close my eyes and soak it up. Sometimes I feel like I'm not enough. I can't possibly be responsible for this beautiful child. I'm surely going to mess her up. Messing up is what I do, but I actually believe I'm going to do alright with this one. I'm a good Mama. I'm very defensive when people question things because I feel criticized, and I know that I'm doing things the way I want to do them. I'm doing them the way my husband & I have decided is best for our child. That feels good. It feels independent, and I don't often feel that way.

So the dark moments sometimes still take over in little ways, but I'm trying to be proud of how far I've come lately. Being back to work, is in some ways much harder than I expected, and in others much easier. Being a mom to a toddler is an adjustment, but I love it.

I feel like I've been broken for a very very long time, and I'm trying to slowly get back to being deep down inside happy.

Free

Loving this life

Singing, Dancing

Free

The songwriter

Writes

Composes

Loves

His soul soars

Free again

At home

His happy tones

Make my day

Brighten my world

Give me hope

Knowing he's back

Challenges me

To be better

To strive for more

The songwriter was silent

but

That's no longer so

Loving this life

Singing, Dancing

Free

Free

Free

* I wrote this poem about my best friend Robbie, who at 27 was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. He has suffered a lot while trying to get himself on the right medication to be functional again. I'm so proud of him every single day.