A Year Without Her

A year.  October 3, 2015.

How can it be a year already? How has it been over a year since I've hugged her or told her I love her?

I miss her laugh. I miss her voice. I miss her tight hugs & kisses on my cheek.

I wonder some days if it'll ever get easier or if I'll be able to think about her without my heart breaking.

I've had my hands full this past year so I haven't had time to dwell in my sadness & grief but there are times when it stops me in my tracks. I hope some day that goes away & I just remember happier days with her.

I wish that when I think of her that I could see her as she was before cancer, before tubes & oxygen but that's what is in the fore front of my mind & I hate that. I want to remember her happy & healthy, full of spunkiness, love & laughter. That's who she really was.

I know she's with me when I need her, I've felt her with me. I hope every day that my boy has some of her qualities - that somehow there's truth to someone has to leave this world to make room for new life. That maybe just maybe the new life inherits some of the goodness from the person who left.  It sounds crazy, I know, but it gives me something to hold on to. I need that right now.

I look forward to the day when an unexpected picture of her or mention of her name doesn't put a lump in my throat.  For now though, I let the tears flow when they need to because she was too important not to just let myself feel that emptiness when it hits me.

I, also, look forward to the day when I have some closure.  It all happened so quickly at the end, I was too pregnant to anyone to think it was safe for me to be there. Then I had a baby & couldn't be at the funeral, that still just hurts my heart.  It makes it hard to feel real. I had no formal goodbye. Hopefully one day I can reconcile that with myself.

Absence

Absence makes the heart grow fonder - or does it?

Absence sometimes allows for time for personal reflection that doesn't allow for fondness. It brings ups things you had forgotten or shoved aside as it being just the way 'x' is. Why though? Why does 'x' get to treat you differently than you'd expect others to treat you?

I've had a significant amount of absence in the last 3.5 yrs by someone I never ever in my life expected to be absent. Someone who if you'd have told me 5 years ago wouldn't speak to me off & on for most of 3.5 yrs, I would've wagered everything I had on you being wrong. It was unfathomable to me & it truly still is that this person is 100% not a part of my life or the lives of my children.

I'm not at all claiming to be without blame, I know I'm not perfect or even close but the pain this person has caused me, it tears me up more than I admit to anyone. I just don't get how shutting down communication fixes anything.

I spent my entire life doing what I could for this person. I don't know how so many years of tirelessly trying to make someone else's life better is immediately forgotten. I don't get that. All of the love, the laughs, the memories, most days I wish I could just erase it all because it wouldn't hurt so much.

When people talk to me about this person I just want to scream that I don't care & don't want to know. I don't want this person to know about my life either because they made a choice to not be a part of it. Instead, I just listen, smile & make polite comments.

It really is funny how you can give up so much for other people only to have them treat you like you no longer matter.

You can expect it from some people but not usually your family.

My heart hurts, I miss what I thought I had & I'm heartbroken for what I really can't see us ever having again.

Treading water

Imagine you're speeding along the highway, you think you see an animal run out in front of you; you slam on the breaks, your heart is racing, you can't catch your breath & your passengers don't understand why you stopped so abruptly. You look up, there is no animal, no one else sees or saw an animal. It was all in your head. That is how anxiety feels for me.

The last few weeks have been hard anxiety wise. It feels like it's getting  progressively worse again but it also feels like I'm more aware of what's happening. What's happening is that agoraphobia is a very real, very persistent part of my life. There are so many days I want to stay in the house & I'm so glad I don't actually have to leave for anything. Now, though, I'm beginning to have a hard time again leaving the house even when I want to. I've been without that feeling for so long, it's disappointing to have it come back without warning.

Panic disorder & anxiety can really trick your brain into thinking you're weak. That you have all these unknown things to be afraid of. Your conscious mind can fight all it wants, you can say out loud that you're fine & there's nothing to be afraid of, but anxiety doesn't care about those things.

Sometimes, for me, it can just be too many people & too much noise in a room. Sometimes, it can be that I'm trying to get the kids out the door & there are too many little things to do. Sometimes, it hits me & I have no idea why but it can flatten me.

People all too often assume that a panic attack is a person breathing into a paper bag. While that may be true for some, it isn't true for everyone all of the time. I've had a few severe attacks that caused me to be unable to breathe but that's the least of my problems when I have an attack. When anxiety shakes me up I may be weepy, I may experience rage, I may feel my heart race, I may get a cold flash followed by a hot flash which instantly covers my body in sweat, my hands may tremble, my stomach will most definitely twist & turn - so many things happening at once.

I hate it all & I wish I knew how to stop it. It feels like I should have a grip on this by now. I'm tired of revisiting this issue. I'm tired of depression, too. I'm tired of my brain not doing what it should.

It doesn't matter to me that I know more people on antidepressants & antianxiety medication than not. It matters to me that I can't fix me.  I want to feel strong & capable, I had that for what felt like a fleeting second but it's gone now. I feel like most days I'm just staying afloat. You can't see my tired legs treading water, you just see that my head is still above the water because anything else means anxiety wins, I won't allow that to happen. I will fight hard even when I don't want to. I feel like I'm failing more than winning these days but I know I'm fighting. That's all I can do - tread water with everything I have & keep my head above water. 

It's like Dory says 'Just keep swimming'.

Trying my best

October 6, 2015 Jeff & I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary at the hospital by welcoming our son into the world.

It has been a wild 17 weeks to say the least. I had forgotten how much sleep deprivation hurts. You get to the point where you are so tired that you're nauseous but still you trudge along because you have no choice.

I fought a hard battle with postpartum depression & anxiety after I had Katie. I wanted to believe I could avoid that this time, but I was wrong.

Currently, I'm in the midst of postpartum depression, my anxiety has been flaring up & I hate it. 

This time I knew the signs & symptoms though, I knew how bad it could get if I tried to pretend I'm not feeling this way and also, this time I refuse go down without a fight.

There are many days when I just want to shut the world out. I don't want to talk on the phone or text anyone, but I tell myself at least texting is quiet.. There are days when my anxiety kicks me so hard that I'm short fused & snippy with Katie for just being a 5 yr old, but when I realize I'm wrong I apologize to her & we snuggle. There are days when the thought of leaving the house makes me uneasy, so I try to get dressed & go.

Having two kids has been a huge adjustment, especially since they both want to be on me a lot of the time. I miss personal space. I miss the quiet. I miss feeling like I've got a grip on thing.

I'll beat this depression again, I have confidence that will happen. Right now though - I'm just trying my best.

A month of missing you

A month... 30ish days.

I've thought about her a lot & also, not at all. Those are my two gears for grieving while being a mom to a newborn.

I allow my grief to consume me for a very short spurt, then I shut it off. It's the only way I know how to deal with it. I don't have the time to be as sad as I really want to allow myself to be. I don't have time for grief - I have a 4 week old son & a 5.5 yr old spitfire little girl to look after.

Sometimes she comes into my thoughts & I can't imagine that this is anything more than a bad dream. It doesn't feel real to me. I have no closure.

No one knows how hard it was for me to be in the hospital with my brand new baby while my family was saying their final goodbyes to her. I wanted to be there to say goodbye, to tell her I love her, to tell anyone who was there how special she was.

It just doesn't feel real to me because I was so removed from everything while experiencing such joy from Jamie's birth. It was the hardest most bittersweet week, I wanted so badly to be in two places at once.

How can it be a month already? It feels like it was just yesterday that I opened my door, saw Scott there...and knew.  Wasn't it just yesterday?

I think about her laugh a lot. I don't ever want to forget it. It was one of a kind, like her.

I look forward to the day when it hurts a bit less but until then, I'll use my two gears. Time to turn it off for now but I love you, Aunt Donna.

Catch me.

This carousel spins round 'n round
My head spins too

The horses go up & down
Like the ebb & flow of my emotions

Hanging on tightly to the reins
For fear of falling

If I fall...
I just can't

Hanging on tighter still
Refusing to fall

How long does this carousel spin
Because I'm done with this fear

I loosen my grip
Knowing if I fall, he's there to catch me.

And that makes all the difference.

Lucky to have had her....

I consider myself to be very lucky in some parts of life, one of them is that I was raised in a family with a village mentality. I didn't grow up with just my parents loving me the way parents do, I was lucky enough to have three Aunts who I was/am very close with - my Mom's sisters Jackie & Beulah, (who we all call Aunt Boo) & also, my Dad's sister Donna.

These three women have loved me unconditionally & I don't know where I'd be in life without their love. Sadly, however, I've lost two of them; my Aunt Jackie passed away when I was 20 weeks pregnant with Katie & my Aunt Donna passed away two days ago, while I'm 38 weeks pregnant.

Losing someone you love that much is hard, but losing them while carrying a child you know they would've given the same amount of love to is even harder.

My Aunt Donna was told a year ago that she had about three months to live, so I knew that the chances of her meeting my son were slim, but she fought so hard & made it so long that I had hope. In fact the night before she died I told Jeff that I was so excited that she had lived long enough to meet our boy, since we're having him this week. I felt such relief knowing that she'd at least get to meet him once but I was wrong & my heart is so broken over it.

She was the best person I've ever known, the kindest, warmest, most loving person. She could fill any space with her love just by walking into a room. She always tried to find the best in people even when others couldn't. She treated everyone she met with kindness & she was so appreciative of the people in her life.

I've never known love like the love she gave me, it was more than unconditional, it was all encompassing, it filled your soul, your heart, your mind. It made you feel like you were the only person that mattered to her in that moment.

She is the only person who would tell me that I'm beautiful even when I looked my absolute worst & I knew without a doubt that she meant it. She saw things in me so many times that I didn't see in myself. She often loved me more than I loved myself & always made sure I knew how much she loved me.

Knowing this day was coming, I've tried to prepare myself many times, but there's just no way to prepare yourself to lose a part of your foundation. She was more than just an Aunt, she was MY Aunt, she was the biggest, brightest light, the deepest love, the loudest laugh, she was a part of my heart. She meant so much to so many people who now feel broken because she's gone.

I don't know how to reconcile the fact that I'll never get another one of her amazing hugs, I'll never have her grab my face & kiss me again - how is that possible? I want it all to just be a really bad dream.

My father told me once that his grandmother told him that people need to leave this world in order to make room for others. I've tried so hard to find solace in that since this week I've not only lost part of my heart but a new part of it will be born. Maybe she was making room for my boy to come into the world, I hope somehow he has a heart like hers - strong & full of unconditional love for others.

She was an incredibly strong woman too. She lost my Uncle Harvey 18 years ago & instead of falling apart, she became fiercely independent. She got her license in her early 50's, then not too long after drove from New Brunswick to Ontario, because she was, in my opinion, fearless & absolutely tough as nails. It was a trip she took many times after as well. I'll always be in awe of that.

I know her love will always be with me & I'm grateful she's no longer in pain, but there is a gaping hole in my heart that will take a very long time to heal. People like her don't come along every day, so I consider myself to be extremely lucky to not only have known her to to have been her niece.

I hope she's happy where ever she is now & I hope she knows that no one could have asked for her to be any better of a person than she was, because I think she was the best & so many others agree.

I'll love & miss her forever but I know she'd be so upset with me for crying over her being gone, so I'll try my best to just remember her happy days & to remember that her love hasn't ended just because she isn't with us physically.  Believe me...I'll always know how lucky I was to have her.