This carousel spins round 'n round
My head spins too
The horses go up & down
Like the ebb & flow of my emotions
Hanging on tightly to the reins
For fear of falling
If I fall...
I just can't
Hanging on tighter still
Refusing to fall
How long does this carousel spin
Because I'm done with this fear
I loosen my grip
Knowing if I fall, he's there to catch me.
And that makes all the difference.
Life. It's hard but it is also fun, challenging, rewarding & it's going to be okay.
I haven't written in a while so here is life now...
I've found a part time job. I'm excited but absolutely terrified at the same time. Anxiety plagues me. The what ifs. I don't do well with uncertainty.
Sometimes I still feel very trapped by my anxiety. I feel trapped in my own head. It is hard to know you're psyching yourself out & have no idea how to stop it. It makes me feel broken. How did I get to be so fucked up?
I am my own worst enemy. I pretend like I'm so confident now that I've lost weight. I'm not. I still just see that girl. Unhappy with herself. Critical. Self-doubting. Unworthy. It makes me angry with myself. I've worked for this. Why can't I really be proud of myself?
I have a hard time being proud of myself. It feels like I cheated to lose weight because there were many days when I was too sick to eat & the weight fell off. Jeff worked for it. I was sick. That's the guilt I feel. It sucks...
We moved a week ago. I am happy here. I like our slowly coming together home. We are so close to everything we need. Our car has only left the driveway 4 or 5 times in a week. We've taken to walking everywhere. WHAT???? Who are we? I can't even process the fact that my lazy ass does that...on purpose...weird.
