I, like most people, am a lover of music. I don't really have a single genre of music that makes me feel the most at ease or happy, I love different things for different moods.
I love to dance, so pop music with a great beat & catchy repetitive easy lyrics appeal to me. So many pop songs have a great memory attached to them for me, whether the songs are great or not is definitely up for debate however. I'm not someone who would ever argue that pop music is an art form by any means. I just like how much it makes me want to move & for me that's what it is good for. I think it's unfortunate though, in this day & age, anyone who can sing slightly in tune & has a pretty face can become a pop singer with finely tuned background tracks & digital effects.
I, also, will own up to loving country music. Not so much any newer artists, but 90's country has a place in my heart forever. I love me some Garth Brooks!! Be still my heart! I know, I know...I should be hanging my head in shame for that statement, but I can't help it. Garth Brooks is my favourite singer and he has been since I was 14. I grew up loving all things 90's country, because of my adoration of Garth, so I have a lot of memories tied to it. Right or wrong, it is what it is.
My real joy in music is finding a new to me artist who isn't widely popular. I'm a real sucker for the singer/songwriter types. I love Shawn Mullins, Amos Lee, Serena Ryder and now Ray LaMontagne. People the average person may not be listening to. I love hearing a great singer tell a story in the form of a song. It brings me pure unadulterated joy. One of my favourite songs is by Shawn Mullins, "Twin Rocks, Oregon", when I hear it I more often than not close my eyes & sing along off key at the top of my lungs. It brings me a sense of happy that cannot even be explained.
I don't know how I'd get through my life without music. It has helped me to get through so many things. As someone who loves to write, I usually have to have music playing while I do so. The silence is daunting & non-inspiring, whereas music opens my heart & soul, it allows the words to flow, the feelings to come to the surface & the reality of my emotions to be expressed.
Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. ~Berthold Auerbach
Friday, August 27, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Fear
Fear is a terrible thing. I know everyone has some sort of fear in their lives, but I'm fairly certain that I am afraid of more things than the average person. I tend to be a bit irrational when it comes to being afraid.
I am afraid first & foremost of sharks. The idea of sharks sends a bit of a shiver up my spine. I don't watch anything, including commercials with sharks. They terrify me, and this is where I get irrational, I'm also afraid of cruise ships because in part of my fear of sharks. I have this extremely hypothetical & extremely unlikely scenario in my head that if I were to ever be on a cruise ship it could sink, and maybe there wouldn't be enough life boats and I'd then be in the water surrounded by sharks. I know logically that if these things were to actually happen, then it's really just my time to go, but I figure if I avoid cruise ships altogether it lessens my chances.
I'm afraid of driving, therefore I do not drive. This is a fear that angers me. I am an intelligent, capable woman; so why am I afraid of doing something that most people do?
I'm also afraid of the dark. The blinds on my windows are closed at night, I don't go outside by myself, I'm absolutely a big baby about it all.
I don't do scary movies & don't even think about getting me to sit through a preview for one. I close my eyes, cover my ears & Jeff tells me when it's over. Yes, I know, very mature.
I'm afraid to trust most people now too, I'm afraid to let myself be vulnerable & make new friends. I've had too many people in my life let me down, more than my fair share if you ask me. So, now I have acquaintances & a very very few real friends. This is the fear that saddens me the most & has the biggest effect on me.
My mind is my biggest enemy when it comes to fear, as it is with everyone, but in the midst of being afraid I actually think, 'there's nothing to be afraid of, it's all in your head', then I continue to be afraid.
I hope I don't pass these things on to my daughter, it isn't fun to be so afraid of everything & know that you really have no reason to feel that way. If she has fear in her life I want it to be of real things, not silly hypothetical situations & things she can very easily accomplish if she slowed her mind down a bit.
"The key to change is to let go of fear" - Roseanne Cash
I hope it's not too late for actual change
I am afraid first & foremost of sharks. The idea of sharks sends a bit of a shiver up my spine. I don't watch anything, including commercials with sharks. They terrify me, and this is where I get irrational, I'm also afraid of cruise ships because in part of my fear of sharks. I have this extremely hypothetical & extremely unlikely scenario in my head that if I were to ever be on a cruise ship it could sink, and maybe there wouldn't be enough life boats and I'd then be in the water surrounded by sharks. I know logically that if these things were to actually happen, then it's really just my time to go, but I figure if I avoid cruise ships altogether it lessens my chances.
I'm afraid of driving, therefore I do not drive. This is a fear that angers me. I am an intelligent, capable woman; so why am I afraid of doing something that most people do?
I'm also afraid of the dark. The blinds on my windows are closed at night, I don't go outside by myself, I'm absolutely a big baby about it all.
I don't do scary movies & don't even think about getting me to sit through a preview for one. I close my eyes, cover my ears & Jeff tells me when it's over. Yes, I know, very mature.
I'm afraid to trust most people now too, I'm afraid to let myself be vulnerable & make new friends. I've had too many people in my life let me down, more than my fair share if you ask me. So, now I have acquaintances & a very very few real friends. This is the fear that saddens me the most & has the biggest effect on me.
My mind is my biggest enemy when it comes to fear, as it is with everyone, but in the midst of being afraid I actually think, 'there's nothing to be afraid of, it's all in your head', then I continue to be afraid.
I hope I don't pass these things on to my daughter, it isn't fun to be so afraid of everything & know that you really have no reason to feel that way. If she has fear in her life I want it to be of real things, not silly hypothetical situations & things she can very easily accomplish if she slowed her mind down a bit.
"The key to change is to let go of fear" - Roseanne Cash
I hope it's not too late for actual change
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
There are things in life of which I am certain, one is that a Mother's love is deeper & more intense than any other emotion ever. Words don't even do it justice. I have felt love & protectiveness that I didn't know was possible since having Katie. I miss her on weekends when Jeff gets up with her overnight & seeing her face in the morning is the happiest part of my day.
Something else I know for sure is that being a Mother is something that no one can ever prepare you for. You can read every book available, you can talk to other Mothers, you can take prenatal courses, none of it 'really' matters. When your child cries from hunger, fear or tiredness; books, other mothers & courses aren't going to help you. You learn as you go, you learn what works for you & your child. Also, nothing and no one can ever in a million years prepare you for the sleep deprivation. Everyone tells you -get your rest now, you'll need it- they mean it. I had no idea how little sleep I would actually be living on for the first weeks & months of Katie's life. Even still now she doesn't sleep through the night, so I'm tired most days. It's a huge adjustment, and other than the never ending responsibility of being a parent, its the biggest adjustment for me so far.
I realized today with an unwavering certainty that up to this point, I'm doing a good job at being Katie's Mama. I'm not one to boast or brag, and I don't even take compliments well, but I know deep down that I'm doing a good job. She is happy, she is healthy & she is loved, what more could my beautiful baby girl need??
As I'm writing this, I'm intermittently flipping to facebook to read the wonderful comments left by our friends & family for our first family pictures. It makes me so happy to finally have 'family' pictures. I never thought we'd have a child, so little things like pictures of us with her lifts my spirits & warms my heart.
Life is so good...
Something else I know for sure is that being a Mother is something that no one can ever prepare you for. You can read every book available, you can talk to other Mothers, you can take prenatal courses, none of it 'really' matters. When your child cries from hunger, fear or tiredness; books, other mothers & courses aren't going to help you. You learn as you go, you learn what works for you & your child. Also, nothing and no one can ever in a million years prepare you for the sleep deprivation. Everyone tells you -get your rest now, you'll need it- they mean it. I had no idea how little sleep I would actually be living on for the first weeks & months of Katie's life. Even still now she doesn't sleep through the night, so I'm tired most days. It's a huge adjustment, and other than the never ending responsibility of being a parent, its the biggest adjustment for me so far.
I realized today with an unwavering certainty that up to this point, I'm doing a good job at being Katie's Mama. I'm not one to boast or brag, and I don't even take compliments well, but I know deep down that I'm doing a good job. She is happy, she is healthy & she is loved, what more could my beautiful baby girl need??
As I'm writing this, I'm intermittently flipping to facebook to read the wonderful comments left by our friends & family for our first family pictures. It makes me so happy to finally have 'family' pictures. I never thought we'd have a child, so little things like pictures of us with her lifts my spirits & warms my heart.
Life is so good...
Thursday, August 5, 2010
poems
I love writing, it's a part of who I am, it allows me to get whatever I'm feeling off my chest. I used to write a lot of poems, which is something I haven't done in a very,very long time. So, I thought I'd post some of my old poems here on my blog in hopes of getting my creative juices flowing again.
I wrote the first two about my dearest & oldest friend, Robbie, who in his late 20's was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. He's one of the strongest people I know.
Knows Me
I wrote the first two about my dearest & oldest friend, Robbie, who in his late 20's was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. He's one of the strongest people I know.
Knows Me
Friends come and go in life
Few stay with you forever
I am among the lucky
With my forever friend
Another soul in this world
Knowing me inside and out
Music man, sing your song
Loudly, boldly
Free and wild
I love the music man
His music heart
His music soul
He sees in me things others don’t
I like his version better
He knows my moods
He knows my tones
He knows me
Knows me
Knows me
And
Loves me still
Free
Loving this life
Singing, dancing
Free
The songwriter
Writes
Composes
Loves
His soul soars
Free again
At home
His happy tones
Make my day
Brighten my world
Give me hope
Knowing he’s back
Challenges me
To be better
To strive for more
The songwriter
Was silent but
That’s no longer so
Loving this life
Singing, Dancing
Free
Free
Free
These two are rather self explanatory...I wrote them at a bad point in my life
Angry
Sitting, staring at a blank ‘page’
Wondering if words will flow from my fingers
Like tears down my face
So much hurt inside
Angry with the world
But more with myself
Bad choices
Wrong turns
To err is human…
But how much is too much…
Angry
So angry
Feeling like everything is beyond me
Beyond my control
Beyond my thoughts
Beyond my might
Wanting to change it
Wanting to be happy
I spend so much time wanting
Wanting
Wanting & being angry
So Angry….
Sadness
Sadness once a familiar friend
Now most days it can’t get in
Can’t break through,
My wall of happiness
Today…..
I left the gate open
In walked my familiar friend
Sit, stay, have a snack
I welcomed him in
Embraced him
Felt safe with him
Very soon he and I will dance
Round and round
To a melancholic tune
Then as he should
He’ll leave me again
Until then I remember
My dance with my familiar friend
This one is pretty long, and is just basically about how I see the world...
Peace & Love
Anger surrounds me
Frustration too so clear
Indifference, Indifference
Drowning in Indifference
Why don’t they care?
Shouldn’t they care?
I do, I do
Will you care with me?
Friend come with me
Hold my hand
We’ll walk through a field
Look at the beauty around us
Friend come with me
Hold my hand
We’ll walk through a field
Look at what we’re doing
I don’t know what to do
How do I make them see
This world is ours
We destroy it
We desert it
We abandon it
Fix yourself Mother Earth
Mother Nature….
Fight your wars
While we create our own
Peace big brother
Peace my mother
Peace little sister
Peace my father….
Peace, Peace,
Is there such a thing
Peace, Peace,
I’m scared it doesn’t exist
Indifference, Indifference
Drowning in Indifference
Don’t you care?
Come care with me…
Won’t you come and care with me?
Break down the walls
FIGHT FIGHT!!!
Fight for peace…
Fight with words
Fight with attitudes
Fight with ideas
Throw down your guns
Throw out your arms….
Love big brother
Love my Mother
Love little sister
Love my father
Peace and love
Oh peace and love
Idealistic but true
It can happen if we make it
It can happen if we allow it
Peace and love
Peace and love
My true ideals
Peace and love…
So that's it for now.....I think I after reading through a bunch of my poems I've found some inspiration to write again....
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Precious Girl
As the big day draws nearer, I find I'm spending more time daydreaming about our girl. What will she look like, will she have hair, will she have my nose or my ears, maybe she'll have long eyelashes like both her Daddy & I. I picture her in my head & wonder if she is anything like I expect her to be, or if she'll look completely different and surprise me. I'm expecting a baby with big dark eyes & a head full of dark hair, but who knows, maybe she'll have red hair & blue eyes, it's not impossible with our genes.
I also spend a lot of time wondering about how I'll be as a first time mother. Will I have the patience I need, the ability to know how to soothe her & take care of her?? It's all so overwhelming & wonderfully exciting.
I'm now 9 months pregnant, 36 wks....so any day now our girl could show up. I'm so looking forward to just laying my eyes on her & knowing that she's ours. She is our daughter, our new purpose in life will be to ensure her happiness & safety, and I cannot wait for this journey to begin.
Right now I'm sitting in my chair with my feet up as the Doctor instructed, I have our balcony door open, Muffin is laying by the door, my little princess is moving around in my tummy, and the tears of pure happiness are streaming down my face. I don't know what I did in life to deserve such happiness, but I am grateful for it.
Many people have asked me if I'm afraid of giving birth, and maybe I'm naive to say no, but I'm not afraid of the act of giving birth at all really. I'm more afraid of raising a child, of being responsible for someone other than myself, of being her everything for the first years of her precious life, but somehow, I know I'm capable of doing a good job of it. I don't know what makes me believe that I can do this & do it well, but I just know that I can.
Less than 4 weeks until my due date....I can't wait to meet you precious girl....your Mama loves you!
I also spend a lot of time wondering about how I'll be as a first time mother. Will I have the patience I need, the ability to know how to soothe her & take care of her?? It's all so overwhelming & wonderfully exciting.
I'm now 9 months pregnant, 36 wks....so any day now our girl could show up. I'm so looking forward to just laying my eyes on her & knowing that she's ours. She is our daughter, our new purpose in life will be to ensure her happiness & safety, and I cannot wait for this journey to begin.
Right now I'm sitting in my chair with my feet up as the Doctor instructed, I have our balcony door open, Muffin is laying by the door, my little princess is moving around in my tummy, and the tears of pure happiness are streaming down my face. I don't know what I did in life to deserve such happiness, but I am grateful for it.
Many people have asked me if I'm afraid of giving birth, and maybe I'm naive to say no, but I'm not afraid of the act of giving birth at all really. I'm more afraid of raising a child, of being responsible for someone other than myself, of being her everything for the first years of her precious life, but somehow, I know I'm capable of doing a good job of it. I don't know what makes me believe that I can do this & do it well, but I just know that I can.
Less than 4 weeks until my due date....I can't wait to meet you precious girl....your Mama loves you!
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Lots of changes
It has been almost 9 mths since I've written anything on my blog at all, and I think it's definitely time for an update.
My life has changed so much & will soon change so much more.
We found out on Tuesday October 6, 2009, our 3rd wedding anniversary, that we are going to be parents. It was & still is the most shocking & overwhelming news I have ever heard in my life. I knew that I was extremely tired but thought it was just that my B12 was low, so I had blood work done. My Dr's office called me a few days later & asked me to come in that day. I was sure there was something seriously wrong with me, but instead my Dr told me that I'm pregnant. What a shock that was for both Jeff & I.
It's incredibly hard to believe that October 6th was almost 6 months ago and that we soon will have a beautiful baby girl.
Another change for us is that we have to move out of the apartment we've called home for almost 5 years. We live in an adult only building, so we are being forced out. At first I was really upset about it, as was Jeff, but the more we go through our things & look around our apartment, we can't wait to move.
A new home, with a new baby seems right. This home was ours as childless couple, but our new apartment will be our first family home. It's nicer, bigger & feels like it will be a perfect fit for our little family.
Pregnancy is something that I honestly never thought I'd have the joy of experiencing. I had resigned myself to the fact that it was going to be Jeff & I, with Muffin, forever. I was really okay with that to be honest, only because I wouldn't let myself think about what I was missing. I didn't think my body 'worked', so I didn't think this joy would fall upon us. I have never been so happy to be wrong about something in my life. Pregnancy so far, for me, has been relatively easy. Sure, I'm tired, my back aches every now & again, and I had a bout or two of nausea if I let myself get too hungry, but I didn't have a moment of morning sickness that so many woman experience, I haven't had any blood pressure issues, and I had my glucose test 2 wks ago & haven't heard back from the Dr's office, so I'm feeling pretty good about that.
I have 8wks of work left, including this upcoming week, and I have 10 weeks & 6 days until our due date. Time is flying by, but I'm trying my best to absorb all the little moments. I'm doing a half assed job of keeping a journal for our princess, but I figure I'll continue on with it after she's born anyhow, so it's not just for my pregnancy, it's going to be about her childhood.
I'm really happy with my life right now. I am married to a wonderful, compassionate, caring, funny man, who makes me feel like I can do & be anything in this life of mine. He reassures me that I am going to be a good mother when I display such fervent doubt in my abilities. He reminds me that I am my own person who will make my own decisions on how to mother our daughter, and that I am not what I think I am, or who I think I'll turn out to be. I love him so fiercely & am so innately proud that he is not only a part of my life, but my partner in life. He is going to be such an amazing father. He displays such a genuine protective & loving nature that there is no way for him to fail at his new upcoming job.
The countdown is on....34 days until we move....76 days until our due date....I can't wait for the next part of our lives to begin!!
My life has changed so much & will soon change so much more.
We found out on Tuesday October 6, 2009, our 3rd wedding anniversary, that we are going to be parents. It was & still is the most shocking & overwhelming news I have ever heard in my life. I knew that I was extremely tired but thought it was just that my B12 was low, so I had blood work done. My Dr's office called me a few days later & asked me to come in that day. I was sure there was something seriously wrong with me, but instead my Dr told me that I'm pregnant. What a shock that was for both Jeff & I.
It's incredibly hard to believe that October 6th was almost 6 months ago and that we soon will have a beautiful baby girl.
Another change for us is that we have to move out of the apartment we've called home for almost 5 years. We live in an adult only building, so we are being forced out. At first I was really upset about it, as was Jeff, but the more we go through our things & look around our apartment, we can't wait to move.
A new home, with a new baby seems right. This home was ours as childless couple, but our new apartment will be our first family home. It's nicer, bigger & feels like it will be a perfect fit for our little family.
Pregnancy is something that I honestly never thought I'd have the joy of experiencing. I had resigned myself to the fact that it was going to be Jeff & I, with Muffin, forever. I was really okay with that to be honest, only because I wouldn't let myself think about what I was missing. I didn't think my body 'worked', so I didn't think this joy would fall upon us. I have never been so happy to be wrong about something in my life. Pregnancy so far, for me, has been relatively easy. Sure, I'm tired, my back aches every now & again, and I had a bout or two of nausea if I let myself get too hungry, but I didn't have a moment of morning sickness that so many woman experience, I haven't had any blood pressure issues, and I had my glucose test 2 wks ago & haven't heard back from the Dr's office, so I'm feeling pretty good about that.
I have 8wks of work left, including this upcoming week, and I have 10 weeks & 6 days until our due date. Time is flying by, but I'm trying my best to absorb all the little moments. I'm doing a half assed job of keeping a journal for our princess, but I figure I'll continue on with it after she's born anyhow, so it's not just for my pregnancy, it's going to be about her childhood.
I'm really happy with my life right now. I am married to a wonderful, compassionate, caring, funny man, who makes me feel like I can do & be anything in this life of mine. He reassures me that I am going to be a good mother when I display such fervent doubt in my abilities. He reminds me that I am my own person who will make my own decisions on how to mother our daughter, and that I am not what I think I am, or who I think I'll turn out to be. I love him so fiercely & am so innately proud that he is not only a part of my life, but my partner in life. He is going to be such an amazing father. He displays such a genuine protective & loving nature that there is no way for him to fail at his new upcoming job.
The countdown is on....34 days until we move....76 days until our due date....I can't wait for the next part of our lives to begin!!
Saturday, August 29, 2009
My Daddy
Maybe it's rain falling outside my window, the chill in the air or the exhaustion from a trying week, but I feel like writing about something tonight. I don't have a topic just yet, but I have a feeling one will come to me as long as I just keep writing.
I'm listening to so many songs tonight that seem to remind me of someone or someplace. A moment frozen in time by a melody. I'm emotional this evening, rather melancholic truth be told which is why I think the music is affecting me so.
Right now the song my Dad & I dance to at my wedding is playing. 'I loved her first' by Heartland, it brings a smile to my face, a tear to my eye & a flutter in my tummy. I remember the very first time I heard the song, it was about a month or so before the wedding, and I cried from beginning to end and knew that this was it. I love my father so much, I can't even explain.
I remember so much about him on my wedding day that it's ridiculous. I can remember waking up way too early and hearing him downstairs, so I went down to chat with him, and he told me to lay on the couch & nap so I wouldn't be tired. I remember him dropping me at my Aunt's & going to the dry cleaners to get my dress for me & dropping it off. I remember seeing him come down the stairs at my Aunt's in his tux, I had my hair & make-up all done, and my veil was in my hair, we looked at each other, smiled & I said Daddy, you look so good!! We hugged, I cried. I remember him trying to make me laugh just before we walked down the aisle, because he told me if I cried he may cry.
I have 2 favourite Dad on my wedding day memories though, one was when he & Mom came out of the church, he hugged me then he said to Jeff "C'mere Son, I'm gonna do to you what I do to all my sons", he then proceeded to give Jeff a kiss on the cheek and hugged him, everyone 'awwed' and my brother said "You've never done that to me!" and we laughed. The other memory was in fact my dance with him, the song started and he said to me 'I told your brother when you were up there, I remember when she was just a little girl, and she'd say to me, daddy pick me up, daddy let's play, daddy can I come with you, daddy let's go for a drive...now you're all grown up & not a little girl anymore'. I hugged him so tight and told him 'Daddy, I'll always be your little girl.'
My Dad is such a smart man, but I don't think he has ever believed that about himself. He wasn't really a book smart guy, but he just knows stuff. He has an extreme admiration for all things WWII, John Wayne & ducks. He loves quietly but deeply. He is extremely funny once he feels comfortable around you, but until then you might think he's rather serious. He is one of the softest rocks in the world, but he is just that, he's so soft when it comes to his family, but he undoubtedly is our rock.
I love him & I thank God that I have him.
I'm listening to so many songs tonight that seem to remind me of someone or someplace. A moment frozen in time by a melody. I'm emotional this evening, rather melancholic truth be told which is why I think the music is affecting me so.
Right now the song my Dad & I dance to at my wedding is playing. 'I loved her first' by Heartland, it brings a smile to my face, a tear to my eye & a flutter in my tummy. I remember the very first time I heard the song, it was about a month or so before the wedding, and I cried from beginning to end and knew that this was it. I love my father so much, I can't even explain.
I remember so much about him on my wedding day that it's ridiculous. I can remember waking up way too early and hearing him downstairs, so I went down to chat with him, and he told me to lay on the couch & nap so I wouldn't be tired. I remember him dropping me at my Aunt's & going to the dry cleaners to get my dress for me & dropping it off. I remember seeing him come down the stairs at my Aunt's in his tux, I had my hair & make-up all done, and my veil was in my hair, we looked at each other, smiled & I said Daddy, you look so good!! We hugged, I cried. I remember him trying to make me laugh just before we walked down the aisle, because he told me if I cried he may cry.
I have 2 favourite Dad on my wedding day memories though, one was when he & Mom came out of the church, he hugged me then he said to Jeff "C'mere Son, I'm gonna do to you what I do to all my sons", he then proceeded to give Jeff a kiss on the cheek and hugged him, everyone 'awwed' and my brother said "You've never done that to me!" and we laughed. The other memory was in fact my dance with him, the song started and he said to me 'I told your brother when you were up there, I remember when she was just a little girl, and she'd say to me, daddy pick me up, daddy let's play, daddy can I come with you, daddy let's go for a drive...now you're all grown up & not a little girl anymore'. I hugged him so tight and told him 'Daddy, I'll always be your little girl.'
My Dad is such a smart man, but I don't think he has ever believed that about himself. He wasn't really a book smart guy, but he just knows stuff. He has an extreme admiration for all things WWII, John Wayne & ducks. He loves quietly but deeply. He is extremely funny once he feels comfortable around you, but until then you might think he's rather serious. He is one of the softest rocks in the world, but he is just that, he's so soft when it comes to his family, but he undoubtedly is our rock.
I love him & I thank God that I have him.
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