Being Paula

Lately I've been thinking about who I see myself as, and who I think I can become. I've been off work for 9 months, and I've loved every single minute of it. I don't know if it's simply because I'm lazy or what, but being off work is the greatest thing ever!! I mean, I work, every single day I'm Mama, but I get to work with my favourite person, so even my bad days are guaranteed a moment of pure happy.

The idea of going back to work terrifies & sickens me. Just typing those words now has brought tears to my eyes. Leaving my girl, my dooders, my tootsie, my baby...my baby...every single day with someone else, it tears at my heart. I feel like in that moment everything changes. I'm no longer the person she spends most of her time with. Who ever we choose to care for our girl gets to spend all that time with her. The time where I get the best giggles, smiles & snuggles. I miss her already.

I've been trying to figure out ways for me not to have to return to work, but that's not an option for us unfortunately. We, like so many others, are a 2 income family. It makes me so jealous of the people who get to be home with their babes. I'm going to stay positive though, and hope that some day we'll find a way.

I'm trying to figure out if I want to go back to my job or if I want to go a different route. I'm not sure what the right choice is. My job has some great perks, but it has some major faults as well. I, sometimes, think about going back to school. I'd love that so much! I'd love to find a 'real' job. I work in a dying industry now, so I feel like the clock is ticking on my job.

There are days too, where I think about writing. I'd love to find a way to free myself enough to write, really, honestly & truly write. I feel deep down that that day will come for me. I am meant to write, it's a part of my soul, my essence, this is something I know for sure.

I guess, in all this thinking I've been doing, I'm realizing that I'm starting to morph into 'Katie's Mama', and I feel less like 'Paula'. I'm losing that weird hippie chick. I'm no longer current on news, or music, or anything.

I plan to spend some time over my next 3 months off, and try to focus on still being the weird hippie chick. The girl Jeff fell in love with. The girl I'm in love with.

so many changes

Here we are 8 days into a new year, I can't believe how much has changed in the last 365 days.

The amount of love in our home has multiplied exponentially & immeasurably. One word says it all for me 'Katie'. I am so incredibly in love with her. She is this little spunky ball of fire. She's so curious, clever & determined. I am in awe. If she wants it, she will do or have it. Seriously, there is no happier moment in my day than when while getting her hair rinsed in the tub she starts kicking & splashing so much that the entire bathroom is water splattered. I love it! Or her amazement with our cell phones, it's compulsive, frustrating & adorable. She is my favourite person, plain & simple.

Then there is the love between this amazing man & I. He has held me so many times over the last year as we heard a first heartbeat, waited for a first cry, after we heard a first laugh, as I've cried and after I've laughed. He has nursed me back to health a few too many times over the last year. He has tended to my absolute every single need. He is beyond amazing to me. I'm so lucky to have him. More than that, WE are lucky to have him.

Watching them together makes me feel like nothing can touch us. That is pure love & nothing else matters. Seeing how caring he is with our baby girl is so endearing.

I've come to realize that I don't need a lot of things anymore. I have all I need in my life with this amazing man & our little spunky ball of fire.

grey clouds

I'm a new mom, and along with being a new mom I was an overwhelmed mom who was & still is suffering from mild postpartum depression. For the last few weeks I've had a grey cloud over my head everywhere I went. I mean I felt happiness & loved my girl with all her smiles, giggles & accomplishments, but there was a grey cloud that made it hard to be deep down happy.

More than a few times in the last few weeks I have felt like I was going crazy, but didn't talk about it. I felt like I was a terrible mother just going through the motions of looking after Katie's needs but that I wasn't soaking up the moments. I was filling in the time but I wasn't present at all. I didn't feel in all honesty like I was doing that great of a job with her. Here she is, this BEAUTIFUL & AMAZING child , but the grey cloud dominated my thoughts. It was a dark place. Darker than anyone knew I was in, which I'm angry at myself for because I promised everyone I'd talk to them if this happened.

The thoughts that go through the mind of a woman suffering postpartum depression are surprising & scary, also, when they are your own thoughts they are embarrassing & shameful. You don't want to talk to anyone for fear of people thinking you are a horrible human being, a terrible, unfit mother who doesn't deserve such a precious gem of a child. I don't plan on talking about the thoughts that I have had, but they scared me & often I had to remind myself how strong I am & that I will get through the moment. Reminding myself of that giggling girl was often the only thing that got me through them. I am so grateful for her.

Yesterday I had the lowest day I have had yet. The little grey cloud was huge. I spent 3/4 of the day crying. I thought many times that Katie might be off better without me, without this crazy woman as her mother. I thought she'd be better off without me around to screw up her precious life. I thought Jeff would be better off without me around to screw up his life, like everyone & everything would be better without me. Then reality hit me, I looked at this little bundle of mine, this rosy cheeked, bright eyed treasure, this gift I never thought I'd have & realized that I was wrong. She needs me, she loves me, Jeff loves me & needs me. I also realized that I am a good Mom. I love Katie with all that I am & all that I have. She is my world & for the rest of my life she will know that.

I'm happy to say today the grey cloud has lifted...blue skies are all I see...I'm not expecting blue skies everyday, but I also don't ever expect total cloud cover either.

I'm back....and I have to say it feels good because I really missed me.

Respect

Why do some people think that respect is something that is automatic? I don't understand that whatsoever. There are people in my life & the lives of my family members that are some of the most disrespectful & unrespectable people I have ever met.

I don't tolerate this very well. I am angry at the lack of respect shown to a certain member of my family, one I love very much. The person showing them this disrespect, in my opinion, is not a good person at the core of their being. I think they are petty, sad & pitiful. More than hating this person, I feel extreme pity toward them . It must be sad & hard to live a life where you are so inherently unhappy that you can be so disrespectful of other people. A life where people only pretend to like you but when you aren't around they talk about the immense amount of faults you have & how you need to get help for them.

I am angry at the disrespect this person has shown me in my journey with them. I have given more chances than ever earned or deserved but I am now done. There are no more chances... after the 10th or 11th I tend to wear out.

I don't think I have it in me to play fake nice anymore and honestly, I have no reason to play fake nice. What's the point of it? Let's pretend to like each other because we have a person in common? No, I don't think so...not anymore. You don't like me, I'm very much aware of this, and I know you know that I don't like you, so let's not pretend anymore.

I also don't understand how people think they are better or smarter than someone else only because they have a University education. As far as I'm concerned, you can go to University for 15 years, it doesn't make you any smarter or better than joe blow who has worked his whole life. So, throwing that in someone's face only proves that you have no idea of how the real world works. Life experience, common sense & how you treat others counts for one hell of a lot more than a University diploma on the wall.

In case it isn't quite clear, I'm angry & I'm hurt for this family member, they deserve better than this. I just wish they really realized it & would walk away. My heart breaks for the life they could have without this person....a life of drama free happiness....what a concept!

Pure Love

You came into my life

When I needed you most

I didn’t know I needed you

Or how much I really wanted you

Until you were there

Now there are no days without you

Happiness exudes

When you smile

My world is right

When I look into your eyes

My soul is complete

There is nothing but love

For you…pure love

Music

I, like most people, am a lover of music. I don't really have a single genre of music that makes me feel the most at ease or happy, I love different things for different moods.

I love to dance, so pop music with a great beat & catchy repetitive easy lyrics appeal to me. So many pop songs have a great memory attached to them for me, whether the songs are great or not is definitely up for debate however. I'm not someone who would ever argue that pop music is an art form by any means. I just like how much it makes me want to move & for me that's what it is good for. I think it's unfortunate though, in this day & age, anyone who can sing slightly in tune & has a pretty face can become a pop singer with finely tuned background tracks & digital effects.

I, also, will own up to loving country music. Not so much any newer artists, but 90's country has a place in my heart forever. I love me some Garth Brooks!! Be still my heart! I know, I know...I should be hanging my head in shame for that statement, but I can't help it. Garth Brooks is my favourite singer and he has been since I was 14. I grew up loving all things 90's country, because of my adoration of Garth, so I have a lot of memories tied to it. Right or wrong, it is what it is.

My real joy in music is finding a new to me artist who isn't widely popular. I'm a real sucker for the singer/songwriter types. I love Shawn Mullins, Amos Lee, Serena Ryder and now Ray LaMontagne. People the average person may not be listening to. I love hearing a great singer tell a story in the form of a song. It brings me pure unadulterated joy. One of my favourite songs is by Shawn Mullins, "Twin Rocks, Oregon", when I hear it I more often than not close my eyes & sing along off key at the top of my lungs. It brings me a sense of happy that cannot even be explained.

I don't know how I'd get through my life without music. It has helped me to get through so many things. As someone who loves to write, I usually have to have music playing while I do so. The silence is daunting & non-inspiring, whereas music opens my heart & soul, it allows the words to flow, the feelings to come to the surface & the reality of my emotions to be expressed.

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. ~Berthold Auerbach

Fear

Fear is a terrible thing. I know everyone has some sort of fear in their lives, but I'm fairly certain that I am afraid of more things than the average person. I tend to be a bit irrational when it comes to being afraid.

I am afraid first & foremost of sharks. The idea of sharks sends a bit of a shiver up my spine. I don't watch anything, including commercials with sharks. They terrify me, and this is where I get irrational, I'm also afraid of cruise ships because in part of my fear of sharks. I have this extremely hypothetical & extremely unlikely scenario in my head that if I were to ever be on a cruise ship it could sink, and maybe there wouldn't be enough life boats and I'd then be in the water surrounded by sharks. I know logically that if these things were to actually happen, then it's really just my time to go, but I figure if I avoid cruise ships altogether it lessens my chances.

I'm afraid of driving, therefore I do not drive. This is a fear that angers me. I am an intelligent, capable woman; so why am I afraid of doing something that most people do?

I'm also afraid of the dark. The blinds on my windows are closed at night, I don't go outside by myself, I'm absolutely a big baby about it all.

I don't do scary movies & don't even think about getting me to sit through a preview for one. I close my eyes, cover my ears & Jeff tells me when it's over. Yes, I know, very mature.

I'm afraid to trust most people now too, I'm afraid to let myself be vulnerable & make new friends. I've had too many people in my life let me down, more than my fair share if you ask me. So, now I have acquaintances & a very very few real friends. This is the fear that saddens me the most & has the biggest effect on me.

My mind is my biggest enemy when it comes to fear, as it is with everyone, but in the midst of being afraid I actually think, 'there's nothing to be afraid of, it's all in your head', then I continue to be afraid.

I hope I don't pass these things on to my daughter, it isn't fun to be so afraid of everything & know that you really have no reason to feel that way. If she has fear in her life I want it to be of real things, not silly hypothetical situations & things she can very easily accomplish if she slowed her mind down a bit.


"The key to change is to let go of fear" - Roseanne Cash

I hope it's not too late for actual change