Endless Ocean

Swallowing me whole
Like a tidal wave
Overwhelming, unpredictable
Fighting as hard as I can
Some days my hands feel tied
An unfair fight
Floating life raft in the middle of the ocean.
Isolated & Hopeless
Screaming for help
No one to hear my cries
So here I float in an endless ocean
Hoping one day to wash ashore

Tuesday Thoughts

It's amazing how you can think you've got a handle on something only to realize you are completely oblivious. I have absolutely no control over my weight right now. Instead of losing or maintaining, I'm gaining!!  I just want to eat everything!! It's emotional eating, I know that, but that doesn't make it any easier to control.

I've been going to speak with a therapist for 4-5 months & it has been eye opening. I've told her things about myself that I've told no one else, things I don't even like to think about & she doesn't judge me. I'm discovering things about myself that I had absolutely no idea existed within me. The different things that my anxiety is a disguise for. It's amazing how a person's mind can play tricks.

I'm having a really hard time lately with feeling like my life is stagnant. I am a full-time Mom who feels like that's all she is. I don't feel like I have anything for me in life. I'm lonely. Very lonely. I am not the type of person who easily makes friends. Self-doubt stops me.

I have one person I'd actually be able to make plans with in the city & in a month she's moving. So, I need to figure out how to stop being so afraid of letting people in because I'm too social to be this antisocial.

I turned 35 yesterday. My life is not even slightly what I had imagined it would be at this age. I am having a harder time with it than I imagined I would. I'm a lot closer to 40 now. In five years anything can happen. 30-35 were proof of that. 30-35 were some of the best & but definitely held the worst days of my life. In the next five years, I hope to get control of my life & begin to really live again. Life has to get better because I won't allow it to get worse again & right now, stagnant isn't working either. 

It's up to me to fix this, I just don't know how to trust people. There are things that I'm very open about but that's only one side of me. I don't know how to let new people really in. I miss having friends....

Angry

It's days like today that I truly wished that I believed in god...I wish I had someone to pray to to take away these feelings. I wish I found some solace in something..it's just non-stop noise.

I'm angry all the time. It's exhausting being angry & I don't know how to fix it. I'm tired of being a bitch to Katie & Jeff. I'm tired of hating myself because of the outbursts & internal rage. Why the fuck am I so angry?

I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, I want to thrash, throw & punch things. I want to cry & just let it all out but I don't think I'd ever be able to stop.

I have tried focusing on the things I have to be grateful for but that isn't working. I'm trying to be positive but most days there is just so much anger under the surface that the positivity is nothing but a farce & monumental waste of time.

I wonder sometimes if I just wish I believed in god so I would have someone else to be angry with; someone to blame for my being this way. I can't possibly be responsible for this, I can't possibly have brought this on with my energy & thoughts or have I? I'm not sure anymore.

Most days I just want to give up, runaway from life & stop caring. I'm not sure how to do this again; depression, I don't know how to deal with it all. I, honestly, have never felt so alone. My mom told me that she has felt this way & went to work because she had no choice, she did what she had to for us to live...I don't have that fight in me, I guess. Jeff listens to me but, really, what is he going to do? My best friend has a full plate of her own. Also, let's be honest, who wants to listen to a depressed chick all the time? I feel alone.

Every single day home with Katie, every single day, I wonder what the hell I'm doing. She deserves so much more than I can give her; more patience, more love, more attention, more fun, just more & I will never be that person. I'm broken & she deserves more. She deserves the world, instead she gets a crazy mother who has a very short fuse...lucky kid.

Everyone has battles, many greater than mine, I get that, I know that my life could be much worse but chemical imbalance doesn't listen to logic...bummer...

Dementors, bridges & dreaming out loud

Depression sneaks up when you are focusing on other things. It sucks the happy out of you like the Dementors in Harry Potter. This creepy dark faceless thing that just gets you.

I'm trying so hard to run from it but my legs are tired. I scared myself again this week with uncomfortable thoughts that were just that, thoughts. I know myself well enough to know I want to live a long life & I know when I'm really down that I'll get through it.

I've seen a psychiatrist & psychologist, I see them both again this week. I'm going to get mentally healthy so that my mind is ready for the healthy body I'm already working on.

I walked four miles on Thursday. I walked across the Morrissey bridge. The closed to vehicles & pedestrians Morrissey bridge. It was terrifying at best, my heart raced with every step & with every unintenional glance down at the rushing water. I walked so much farther that day that I knew I could. Every time I push myself & succeed l am amazed. I realize it is time for more.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about what it is I want to do. What's my passion? Do I even have a passion anymore? I don't dream anymore. I don't have any dreams with the exception of a happy life for Katie. It has me thinking, what do I love?

Well, I love food. I love the idea of dairy-free food, gluten-free, vegan. I don't know exactly but it feels as if at some point in my life I will be making a living from food. I really have no idea if it's feasible or if I'm just dreaming out loud, but it feels great to dream.

The Dementors won't get to suck all the happy...I'm fighting. I'm dreaming. I'm getting healthy..slow & steady...

One year bucket list.

Lately, I'm realizing that my body is much more capable than I originally thought.  With that in mind I've made a bucket list of things that I want to do in the next year. September 16, 2014 I will have done the next ten things.

1. Run a 5k
2. Get my license
3. Successfully return to work
4. Lose 70lbs.
5. Eat in a restaurant with my family
6. Go swimming after 10 yrs
7. Ride a bike after 20 yrs
8. Workout in a real gym
9. Go out dancing
10. Be confident & happy

I can feel a shift bubbling under the surface for me.

I can see myself getting better. My anxiety won't run my life forever. I'm going to get the help I need & I will get better.

Also, I ran this week. For the first time since being forced in school, I ran voluntarily, of my own accord. It still blows my mind. Who the heck do I think I am making this body run? Hot damn it hurts but feels absolutely exhilarating! I will readily admit that when I was at my fattest, I would refer to runners as 'crazy bastard runners'. I thought it was insane to want to run...ugh! Why would you even want to? Now, I want to! I want the chance to prove to Katie that you can never give up on yourself. Even when things look & feel grim, you can do anything!

We watched 'The Little Engine that could' yesterday & it's such a simple message. If you think you can, you will - if you think you can't, you won't. Well, I really feel like I can do this. That surprises me.

One year. Let's go! I think I can...

Optimistic & Grateful

I am constantly amazed by the good at the core of people.

Last week I opened up about my major struggles with anxiety & instead of being shunned, I've been embraced. I appreciate the care & concern so much more than words can say.

To know that I'm not alone. I'm not the only person that I know who has felt completely crazy. Really, truly crazy not crazy of the sleep deprived & a bit delirious type - more crazy of the bat shit variety.  I know of other people like me now, that helps.

Today I took the first step in healing my life. This is an illness. I need to heal, I don't need to fix it. I'm not broken, I'm ill.

I'm going to get better. I feel cautiously optimistic & very grateful.

I quit...again

I quit.

I'm tired of quitting but I didn't see any other option.

Monday, I didn't fall down the stairs accidentally. I did fall down the stairs but it wasn't an accident. I felt nothing but sheer panic at the idea of going to work. It was a split second decision and I made the wrong one. In that moment, I figured I'd hurt myself enough to not have to work or to no longer be a bother to Jeff & my family. Win/win... Ugh...so irrational..

This morning I got up feeling mildly anxious, it quickly progressed though. I knew I couldn't fight it. I had to tell the truth about Monday. I started with Jeff.

I called my boss & was trying to figure out a way to tell him about my anxiety & have him understand that I'm not just being an asshole. I don't think he bought it so...

I can only get into a psychiatrist on the 18th of September.  That feels like it's forever away but it's a date at least. I'll talk to my NP on Wednesday about needing meds.

People try to be helpful - push through it, just do it, shake it off, think positive thoughts. I wish that was the solution. I try to think positive thoughts but the negative ones are so much louder.

I feel broken. I feel very alone. Jeff tries so hard but he doesn't understand. I feel so much guilt over the life he has because of me. He didn't ask to be married to someone with mental illness. It's very hard on him, too.  He's always in my corner though, even when he doesn't have the words to fix it for me.

So, back I go to the drawing board & long days home with the Dood. Another guilt trip, she loves daycare more than being home with me. Ugh....