She'll never have friends with a weird mom like me.

Two weeks ago I stepped outside my comfort zone - way outside. I sent Facebook inbox messages to two moms that I know a bit, inviting each of them over with their daughters for a play date with Katie & I. One mom replied that she'd love to, the other mom (who was online a lot that day & I know saw the message) didn't even bother to reply.

I set up & had a wonderful play date with the mother who did reply but for two weeks the mother who didn't reply has been on my mind. A constant barrage of unanswered & often irrational questions & thoughts. Why didn't she reply? What about me doesn't she like? Am I always going to cost Katie friends? I'm definitely going to be the reason she doesn't have friends. Why can't I just be like everyone else? Poor Katie, why does she have to have such a weird mother? I wish I was just normal.

I, honestly, expect to be the reason she doesn't have certain friends in her lifetime.

I am not your average person, most definitely not your average Miramichier & I know that. I tend to think outside the box more than most people. I try hard not to judge people on their outer shell, because all too often it really is just a shell & once you crack it, there's so much beauty. I believe passionately in equality & justice. I get fired up over injustice & judgment. I'm a hippie, I know people have their ideas about what a hippie is, but in my soul, that's just who I am. I wear bright clothes, I talk too loudly, I swear too much, I don't believe in god but I believe it's your right to if you so choose, I think all love is equal, babies need love not parents of both genders, I am pro-choice & that doesn't mean I'm pro-abortion, Climate change is happening, SCIENCE MATTERS, marijuana shouldn't be illegal & Americans need better gun control.

There are people in my life that I have plenty of reasons to hate but there is no single person that I actually hate. Not one. I believe to hate is to actually wish ill for another person or to be happy if something unfortunate were to happen to them, I don't have anyone in my life like that. I can't hold hate in my heart. That's not saying that there aren't people I dislike a lot, people I never want to be around EVER but I don't hate them.

For two weeks, these have been the thoughts in my head, I've been reviewing what I believe, am I too vocal about it, should I tone down who I am, maybe I should talk less about being atheist or maybe anyone who doesn't like me for who I am can kiss my ass?? Yeah, we're going to go with the latter. That was the grand conclusion of my two weeks of soul searching.

I like who I am, I like the person I'm becoming, I like the lessons I'm teaching my daughter & the person she's becoming as a result. So what if I don't believe in god - I believe in right & wrong, I'm pro-choice - you don't have to choose to have an abortion, I'm 100%  for gay rights - chances are someone you love is gay & you just don't know it, legalizing marijuana - people are going to buy & smoke it either way but only one is good for the economy. I like making up silly songs about everything I do, I like dancing randomly in public & not caring at all, I like not being so wrapped up in what other people think because their opinions of me do not matter.

Hindsight has shown me that the mom who didn't reply did me a huge favour, I went from feeling really terrible about myself for not being accepted by her to realizing that it's okay because I truly like who I am & the values I have.

She's still on my Facebook & may very well see this after I share it but I don't care either way. Hopefully she'll realize that basic etiquette can go a long way.

So far

So far, I've lost 73lbs on my good days but at least 70lbs on my bad days. That is more than 2 times what Katie weighs. Insane!

I spent the last 30 days prior to today doing a 30 day squat challenge. I started at 50 squats, yesterday on day 30, I did 250 of them. I truly thought when I started, that it would be the exact same as everything else I've ever started - it would end with me quitting. I forgot one very important thing though; I'm not the same person, I had always been.

I had a chest cold for the last 11 days of my challenge. I almost quit when I had to do 190 squats for the day & just physically couldn't do them because I couldn't breathe & had a fever of 100.2,  I was devastated. It was day 23 & I knew that I couldn't give up. So, I rested that day & the next day when I was scheduled to rest, I did 190 squats.  They were done slow & steady, only 10-20 at a time, but they got done.
Quitting wasn't an option, I had to prove to myself that I could do it. I've more than proven it to myself. Now, I'm trying to figure out what my next challenge will be.

It's amazing what happens when you trust yourself & your body. When you start to get out of your own head & you tune out the I can't. You realize eventually that you, in all your imperfection, can do it. Your body wants to move, stretch & be strengthened.  It hurts a lot, in ways I didn't know I could hurt, but I hurt every day anyhow so why not let it be a good hurt? Seriously, as a morbidly obese(no point in sugar coating it) woman, my body was my enemy.  My back ached, my knees, ankles & feet would hurt randomly. So, what's wrong with some muscles that ache when I stand up because I did a ridiculous amount of good for my body? I see things so differently now. I see my body as being capable & strong. I can, have & will continue to use it better.

This picture is my before October 6, 2012 & after May 14, 2013. 73lbs gone. I'm wearing the exact same clothes, the pants now fall off when tied...