Two weeks ago I stepped outside my comfort zone - way outside. I sent Facebook inbox messages to two moms that I know a bit, inviting each of them over with their daughters for a play date with Katie & I. One mom replied that she'd love to, the other mom (who was online a lot that day & I know saw the message) didn't even bother to reply.
I set up & had a wonderful play date with the mother who did reply but for two weeks the mother who didn't reply has been on my mind. A constant barrage of unanswered & often irrational questions & thoughts. Why didn't she reply? What about me doesn't she like? Am I always going to cost Katie friends? I'm definitely going to be the reason she doesn't have friends. Why can't I just be like everyone else? Poor Katie, why does she have to have such a weird mother? I wish I was just normal.
I, honestly, expect to be the reason she doesn't have certain friends in her lifetime.
I am not your average person, most definitely not your average Miramichier & I know that. I tend to think outside the box more than most people. I try hard not to judge people on their outer shell, because all too often it really is just a shell & once you crack it, there's so much beauty. I believe passionately in equality & justice. I get fired up over injustice & judgment. I'm a hippie, I know people have their ideas about what a hippie is, but in my soul, that's just who I am. I wear bright clothes, I talk too loudly, I swear too much, I don't believe in god but I believe it's your right to if you so choose, I think all love is equal, babies need love not parents of both genders, I am pro-choice & that doesn't mean I'm pro-abortion, Climate change is happening, SCIENCE MATTERS, marijuana shouldn't be illegal & Americans need better gun control.
There are people in my life that I have plenty of reasons to hate but there is no single person that I actually hate. Not one. I believe to hate is to actually wish ill for another person or to be happy if something unfortunate were to happen to them, I don't have anyone in my life like that. I can't hold hate in my heart. That's not saying that there aren't people I dislike a lot, people I never want to be around EVER but I don't hate them.
For two weeks, these have been the thoughts in my head, I've been reviewing what I believe, am I too vocal about it, should I tone down who I am, maybe I should talk less about being atheist or maybe anyone who doesn't like me for who I am can kiss my ass?? Yeah, we're going to go with the latter. That was the grand conclusion of my two weeks of soul searching.
I like who I am, I like the person I'm becoming, I like the lessons I'm teaching my daughter & the person she's becoming as a result. So what if I don't believe in god - I believe in right & wrong, I'm pro-choice - you don't have to choose to have an abortion, I'm 100% for gay rights - chances are someone you love is gay & you just don't know it, legalizing marijuana - people are going to buy & smoke it either way but only one is good for the economy. I like making up silly songs about everything I do, I like dancing randomly in public & not caring at all, I like not being so wrapped up in what other people think because their opinions of me do not matter.
Hindsight has shown me that the mom who didn't reply did me a huge favour, I went from feeling really terrible about myself for not being accepted by her to realizing that it's okay because I truly like who I am & the values I have.
She's still on my Facebook & may very well see this after I share it but I don't care either way. Hopefully she'll realize that basic etiquette can go a long way.
Showing posts with label spirituality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spirituality. Show all posts
Monday, June 2, 2014
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Random happiness
I have a million and one thoughts running through my mind. I am abundantly happy, I am terrified, I am excited, I am sad, I am grateful. I am so very, very grateful.
I am actually writing without editing today. I'm just writing the words that come into my head without stopping to over think it all. Except just now, I stopped to scratch my elbow, but that doesn't count. Ok, back to me writing without thinking.
In, like, no time at all, we are moving to Miramichi. MIRAMICHI!!! What in the name of Tallulah is going on in the Universe that actually is bringing me back to Miramichi?! I never even thought until a year ago that it was remotely possible. It is, however, very possible, and it is happening!
Jeff got a job at the payroll center that is bringing us home. Home. I'm not sure why, but for many years I was defiant that Miramichi was really home anymore. We've been in Moncton for 8 years, after about 3, I considered it home. I knew we would start a family here, assumed we would raise said family here, but we'd visit Miramichi. That was what we wanted. Then for some reason it changed.
A little over a year ago, my Mom started telling me about how to apply for the payroll jobs. As I used to often do, I gave her a 'yeah, ok, we'll do it' and of course, we wouldn't. She was on me for weeks before we applied. I'm so grateful for her persistence.
That night, after we applied, I told Jeff that one of us was going to get on for certain & the other would stay home with Katie. For over a year, with every email he received telling him about the next step in the process, I knew that we were moving home. I knew it more than I have ever known anything. I didn't waiver for a moment. When talking to my Mom, I'd say don't worry, we'll be living home then. I'm sure everyone was terrified of what would happen to my mental state if he hadn't gotten the job, but I wasn't worried because I KNEW he was going to get it.
I used 'The Secret' and the absolute amazing power of positive thought. Jeff & I both spent time individually & unknowingly to the other on Monday focusing on feeling like we live in Miramichi. If you feel it, if you're grateful to the Universe, if you envision it, you can make anything happen. The Universe will present the opportunities to you, you just have to be alert enough to make them work for you.
I probably sound like a crazy person right now, but I don't even care. I know that positive thought works, it brought 2 huge changes to our lives. Katie & this job/move.
I can't believe this is really happening. I mean, I knew it would, but now it's real. I am so overwhelmed. I miss my family so much. I realized about 4 months ago how much I really wanted to move back to Miramichi. I realized that I needed my family. I'm not as independent as I've pretended to be for the last 7 years. I need my family.
Now that Katie is a bit older, I want my parents to be involved in her life. I want her to be able to go to the store with Grampy. I want her to be able to bake cookies with Grammy. I want those things for myself too, I miss spending time with my parents. I miss my aunts & cousins. I miss family.
I'm so excited! I feel like a big change like this could be exactly what we needed to shake things up.
It's time for me to stop writing & go clean something. So little time & such an insane amount to do!! It's going to be so worth it!!
I am actually writing without editing today. I'm just writing the words that come into my head without stopping to over think it all. Except just now, I stopped to scratch my elbow, but that doesn't count. Ok, back to me writing without thinking.
In, like, no time at all, we are moving to Miramichi. MIRAMICHI!!! What in the name of Tallulah is going on in the Universe that actually is bringing me back to Miramichi?! I never even thought until a year ago that it was remotely possible. It is, however, very possible, and it is happening!
Jeff got a job at the payroll center that is bringing us home. Home. I'm not sure why, but for many years I was defiant that Miramichi was really home anymore. We've been in Moncton for 8 years, after about 3, I considered it home. I knew we would start a family here, assumed we would raise said family here, but we'd visit Miramichi. That was what we wanted. Then for some reason it changed.
A little over a year ago, my Mom started telling me about how to apply for the payroll jobs. As I used to often do, I gave her a 'yeah, ok, we'll do it' and of course, we wouldn't. She was on me for weeks before we applied. I'm so grateful for her persistence.
That night, after we applied, I told Jeff that one of us was going to get on for certain & the other would stay home with Katie. For over a year, with every email he received telling him about the next step in the process, I knew that we were moving home. I knew it more than I have ever known anything. I didn't waiver for a moment. When talking to my Mom, I'd say don't worry, we'll be living home then. I'm sure everyone was terrified of what would happen to my mental state if he hadn't gotten the job, but I wasn't worried because I KNEW he was going to get it.
I used 'The Secret' and the absolute amazing power of positive thought. Jeff & I both spent time individually & unknowingly to the other on Monday focusing on feeling like we live in Miramichi. If you feel it, if you're grateful to the Universe, if you envision it, you can make anything happen. The Universe will present the opportunities to you, you just have to be alert enough to make them work for you.
I probably sound like a crazy person right now, but I don't even care. I know that positive thought works, it brought 2 huge changes to our lives. Katie & this job/move.
I can't believe this is really happening. I mean, I knew it would, but now it's real. I am so overwhelmed. I miss my family so much. I realized about 4 months ago how much I really wanted to move back to Miramichi. I realized that I needed my family. I'm not as independent as I've pretended to be for the last 7 years. I need my family.
Now that Katie is a bit older, I want my parents to be involved in her life. I want her to be able to go to the store with Grampy. I want her to be able to bake cookies with Grammy. I want those things for myself too, I miss spending time with my parents. I miss my aunts & cousins. I miss family.
I'm so excited! I feel like a big change like this could be exactly what we needed to shake things up.
It's time for me to stop writing & go clean something. So little time & such an insane amount to do!! It's going to be so worth it!!
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Spirituality
I think a person Spirituality is something that can't be argued or debated, it's something very personal and with that said here I go.
Spirituality is something so very foreign to me. I feel as if there is so much more to life. I feel like I'm missing something. I don't have a 'God' to pray to -or do I? I flip flop a lot.
I want to believe, to have 'faith' in the unknown, the uncertain, but it just isn't a part of my character to do so. I question things, challenge them, rationalize them. There is no rationality to 'God'. This almighty being or spirit or whatever, that sees all, hears all & has the power to do whatever he chooses, yet he chooses to do nothing.
Floods, fired, famine, genocide, climate change, rampant diseases, poverty and so many other issues go unresolved without help from 'God'.
I get so frustrated with the uncertainty I feel. I'd really like to be able to resolve my feelings one way or another. Maybe there is a 'God' somewhere who believes in my ability to find him one day, and I just have to sift through all the junk clouding my head first....who knows??
Spirituality is something so very foreign to me. I feel as if there is so much more to life. I feel like I'm missing something. I don't have a 'God' to pray to -or do I? I flip flop a lot.
I want to believe, to have 'faith' in the unknown, the uncertain, but it just isn't a part of my character to do so. I question things, challenge them, rationalize them. There is no rationality to 'God'. This almighty being or spirit or whatever, that sees all, hears all & has the power to do whatever he chooses, yet he chooses to do nothing.
Floods, fired, famine, genocide, climate change, rampant diseases, poverty and so many other issues go unresolved without help from 'God'.
I get so frustrated with the uncertainty I feel. I'd really like to be able to resolve my feelings one way or another. Maybe there is a 'God' somewhere who believes in my ability to find him one day, and I just have to sift through all the junk clouding my head first....who knows??
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