Anxiety & fear are major parts of my life. I, honestly, don't remember there ever being a time in my life when I wasn't abnormally afraid of something. Anxiety has always been there as well. It's just the last year, however, that it has become a very serious issue. Fear has probably been the strongest guiding force in the course of my life.
As I said, I have been afraid for as long as I can remember....I don't know why, but I have been. I remember hating to walk from the bus stop to my house, when I was in elementary, because I was always afraid someone would be following me. It was, at most, a five minute walk. I have always been afraid of the dark, being outside after dark, & being home alone, especially after dark. Sickeningly terrified.
I can remember once when I was in grade 10, my parents had gone out, ironically to the house I currently live in, to visit my cousin & her husband. I stayed home because I wanted to talk to my boyfriend on the phone. This meant, however, that I would essentially quarantine myself into my parent's bedroom. That was what I always did. If I had to be home alone, I stayed upstairs. The doors locked downstairs. Anyhow, I was home alone, and I heard a car pull into the driveway & loud banging on the door. I thought I was going to die from how loudly my heart was racing. They banged again. No one ever banged on our door like that. I peeked out the blinds & saw that a car had backed into our driveway, and as I peeked the person banging happened to come off the stairs & notice me. The car left. I told my boyfriend that I had to call my Dad to come home, then I called him back. That was 17 years ago. I remember the panic & fear like it was ten minutes ago.
I know some people get a weird rush from being mildly frightened. Scary movies, roller coasters & whatnot. I think these people are out of their minds! I need to have Jeff mute the TV & tell me when it's okay to look again when a commercial for a scary movie comes on. I am thirty-three & those are real, honest to goodness, frightening things for me.
When I turned 16, I was not only uninterested in driving, but adamant that I was in no rush to drive. I was afraid. I felt like I couldn't do it. I'm clumsy, a klutz & sometimes I have the attention span of a toddler. I couldn't drive. I just knew it. So, the idea of driving became my enemy. Despite, the offers & ribbings by family members to both let them teach me to tormenting me for not just doing it. 'Just do it! Its easy!' they'd say. I didn't WANT to do it. No thank you, kindly leave me alone. I felt that way until two days ago.
Two or three weeks ago, I ran out of
Cymbalta. I had two choices; call the clinic, get an appointment & get a refill, or go cold turkey. I knew deep down that I didn't want to take these pills anymore. I knew as well, that it could be risky to not take them but I would never let myself even begin to slide into the depression that I have felt at my lowest. If need be, I will take pills for the rest of my life to avoid that state of not being, but I wanted to try.
I have had a few low days, a few panicky days, but overall, I actually feel better. I felt like I was hiding behind my medication & disorders. It's okay if I'm sad, snappy & withdrawn, I'm depressed. It's okay if I lay around & begin to gain a startling resemblance to Jabba the Hutt, I'm depressed. I'm allowed to be afraid & never try anything new, I have anxiety AND I'm depressed!! Double Golden ticket out!
I'm tired of being afraid of the 'what ifs' of life. I am thirty-three, which I hope is still young enough to begin to get a real life, but old enough to have learned from my past.
I have a lot of silly fears & phobias. One of them being eating in restaurants. This ties into my
ibs, I mean what would happen IF my stomach were to get sick while I was in public?? At a restaurant!! I'm fairly certain axis would collide, right? Wrong. So very wrong.
This weekend, I decided to take baby steps toward controlling my future. Small steps that will have a huge overall impact on my family. I decided to let go of my fear of driving. Just let it go. I have collectively spent about 3-4hrs driving in the last two days. Yesterday, I also decided to surprise Jeff & tackle my fear of eating in restaurants. My end destination of my driving yesterday was Boston Pizza. It was really great incredible to let go. Today, I drove all over the place, just out & about for 2 hours. I loved it.
I can't even really describe how proud I am of myself. I'm not one for tooting my own horn, but when I think about the walls I broke down for myself this weekend, it brings tears to my eyes.
Baby steps....
