Random banter

Life. It's hard but it is also fun, challenging, rewarding & it's going to be okay.

I haven't written in a while so here is life now...

I've found a part time job. I'm excited but absolutely terrified at the same time. Anxiety plagues me. The what ifs. I don't do well with uncertainty.

Sometimes I still feel very trapped by my anxiety. I feel trapped in my own head. It is hard to know you're psyching yourself out & have no idea how to stop it. It makes me feel broken. How did I get to be so fucked up?

I am my own worst enemy. I pretend like I'm so confident now that I've lost weight. I'm not. I still just see that girl. Unhappy with herself. Critical. Self-doubting. Unworthy. It makes me angry with myself. I've worked for this. Why can't I really be proud of myself?

I have a hard time being proud of myself. It feels like I cheated to lose weight because there were many days when I was too sick to eat & the weight fell off. Jeff worked for it. I was sick. That's the guilt I feel. It sucks...

We moved a week ago. I am happy here. I like our slowly coming together home. We are so close to everything we need. Our car has only left the driveway 4 or 5 times in a week. We've taken to walking everywhere. WHAT????  Who are we? I can't even process the fact that my lazy ass does that...on purpose...weird.

Three years...

Three years have passed since my life finally found some real meaning. Three years since I stopped being my own main priority. Three years of laughter & tears. Three years of extremely messed up sleep. Three years of unconditional, overwhelming love.

June 17, 2010 at 7:35pm, she came into the world. She has been the center of ours every since. 

I can't begin to express the ways she has changed my life. She is my mini-me - in looks but also because she's a chatterbox, stubborn, caring, short-tempered & has wacky memory. It is shocking to me that another human being can be so similar to me but she is most definitely her own person, too.

In the last year she has changed astronomically. She is so bright & inquisitive. She loves to sing songs & tell stories. She's often Dr. Katie, sometimes she's a cashier & we have to shop at her store.

She has grown 5 inches & gained 4lbs. My baby is now a little girl.

She is fiercely full of determination - ' I do it all by myself'. She is funny as heck & makes me laugh on a daily basis. She is polite (super proud of this), kind & thoughtful.

I love being her Mama & cannot believe that I've been loving her for three years.
It's so hard to believe that the 8lb 14.9oz bundle they put in my very numb from epidural arms is now the same girl that I can barely carry on my hip. 

Where has the time gone? All I can say for certain that some of it has been used for sticky kisses, squeezy hugs,puzzles, tickles, singing, dancing, tubby times, bedtime routines, playing together & all of it has been used for being in love.

Happy Birthday, Katie Lou. You are our sunshine.

So far

So far, I've lost 73lbs on my good days but at least 70lbs on my bad days. That is more than 2 times what Katie weighs. Insane!

I spent the last 30 days prior to today doing a 30 day squat challenge. I started at 50 squats, yesterday on day 30, I did 250 of them. I truly thought when I started, that it would be the exact same as everything else I've ever started - it would end with me quitting. I forgot one very important thing though; I'm not the same person, I had always been.

I had a chest cold for the last 11 days of my challenge. I almost quit when I had to do 190 squats for the day & just physically couldn't do them because I couldn't breathe & had a fever of 100.2,  I was devastated. It was day 23 & I knew that I couldn't give up. So, I rested that day & the next day when I was scheduled to rest, I did 190 squats.  They were done slow & steady, only 10-20 at a time, but they got done.
Quitting wasn't an option, I had to prove to myself that I could do it. I've more than proven it to myself. Now, I'm trying to figure out what my next challenge will be.

It's amazing what happens when you trust yourself & your body. When you start to get out of your own head & you tune out the I can't. You realize eventually that you, in all your imperfection, can do it. Your body wants to move, stretch & be strengthened.  It hurts a lot, in ways I didn't know I could hurt, but I hurt every day anyhow so why not let it be a good hurt? Seriously, as a morbidly obese(no point in sugar coating it) woman, my body was my enemy.  My back ached, my knees, ankles & feet would hurt randomly. So, what's wrong with some muscles that ache when I stand up because I did a ridiculous amount of good for my body? I see things so differently now. I see my body as being capable & strong. I can, have & will continue to use it better.

This picture is my before October 6, 2012 & after May 14, 2013. 73lbs gone. I'm wearing the exact same clothes, the pants now fall off when tied...

My Mom

She was the first storyteller I ever knew. She was the first person to tell me I could be & do anything. She taught me how to sing songs & love books. Later, she scolded me for not applying myself, for making poor decisions when it came to some friends. She taught me the rush of a great bargain, she taught me that caring about others matters & that women can be strong.

She has had a rollercoaster of a year & a bit.

She is the unwavering proof that mothering doesn't stop when they leave the nest.

She makes me want to scream & pull my hair out. She, also, makes me want to hug & protect her.

She is my rock when everything else is crumbling. She may not say what I want to hear, but she's always honest. There's no sugar coating to make me feel better. There's truth, an ear to rant or cry to & she's always there.

She gives until she has nothing left to give. She worries. Oh my, does she worry, but she is usually bang on. Despite all my attempts to hippie dippy things up with my positive thoughts, she's usually right.

I love her for who she is, as she is. Qualities & flaws, both of which I have many.

She brought me into this world...and from what I was always told....she can take me out...

Mom, I love you.

You are stronger in my eyes than you'll ever see yourself. You are the center of our family & I'm so glad that you're my Mom.

Happy Mother's day. 

Bummer

Sometimes, I feel like the words are stuck inside of me trying to get out but I can't figure out how to lay them in the right order. I feel like a bricklayer, I know the usual pattern to get the job done, but sometimes I can't do it. Sometimes, I have too many thoughts to be able to lay them out coherently.  I'm trying rather unsuccessfully to do that now.

Panic has set in - 3 days until I start work. This means only 3 more days of mid-day snuggles & sticky kisses. Only 3 more days of hearing her giddy laughter over something silly Mickey did.

The whole thing is bittersweet.

I thrive on routine. I function best when I know what to expect, although I love to be challenged. Right now, I have no idea what to expect. It's freaking me out.

Why am I already expecting the worst? I expect it to be awful. I guess because I know the job & it is awful. I know some people who still work there that I think are mean just for the sake of being mean, and I don't really want to deal with them again.


Everything is changing & I'm just plain scared. I'm sad, too. I know that change can be a very good thing. Change can be a fantastic thing, I just don't know how this change possibly can be anything but awful with only one exception.


Katie started daycare this week. She's loves it & that makes me so happy! I'm not meant to be a SAHM, I realized that as the year & a bit that I've been home with her went on. She needs to have fun & be wild like the 2yr old she is. I'm kinda boring & cranky. She asks the kids at daycare to play with her now, instead of me & it's great! She has kids to play with now!!  That makes it worthwhile.


I hate that this job is so very much everything I hate about jobs. It is minimum wage, it's a call center, it's a job I've had before & hated, it's a cess pool of negativity & I'm afraid to get sucked under. Although, I'm doing a pretty good job being super negative on my own right now..


I'd just like to crawl in a hole & stay there until a good job appears, money is flowing a bit more & all this anxiousness & irritability inside me is gone. Seems highly unlikely to happen, though....bummer.

Kiss my...

I was told today essentially that my wallowing in self-pity & not bettering my chances at a good career through a  university education are the reason things aren't exactly as I want them on life.

It really pissed me off & hurt me.

I have always realized that my life is as it is because of the decisions I've made in life.

Sometimes, though you make decisions that suck for the short term but the long term benefits are what matter.

Miramichi is a prime example of that. Right now, it sucks hard core! Long term, life will be good. So, my complaining about not finding a job wouldn't be resolved by moving to another town to find work, as suggested.

I removed this person from my Facebook after an argument that also was very much differing points of views but I felt it got personal. I then received an inbox message where she ranted on about my life decisions holding me back. I had a lengthy reply typed up, I was about to hit send when I realized it was pointless. I deleted my reply & let this person know that what they think of me doesn't matter & they could kiss my ever shrinking ass. Send.

I have never had a time when I really didn't care what another person thought of me. I wouldn't want anyone to stay mad at me, so I generally apologize immediately. Today, it's different. I'm me. Take it or leave it. I whine, bitch & moan but I also thank the Universe daily for the gifts I have. I know who I am better than anyone else & I'm ok with her.

Sloth-like

Losing weight is something I never saw myself doing again. I was so big, I didn't think it was possible to get healthy again. I'm glad I was wrong.

I'm doing it now. Jeff & I are doing it together but at the same time we're doing it very independently. He has his battle, I have mine, but we're there for each other.

We keep each other in line but try not to be hawk eyeing each other. He works out a lot more & harder than I do. I am sloth-like in my laziness some days. No joke, if I didn't have to move, I often wouldn't. Even though I'm lazy I move because my body needs it & it does feel good to give it that fuel. It is a challenge for me but I'm working at it.

Tonight though, after Katie went to bed, we both worked out in the living room. We did it because our bodies deserve it. Do I hurt, friggin right I do! It feels great to know I earned it!

I'm promising myself that I'll workout in some way every day, even if it's only 20 minutes. It's 20 I didn't spend sloth-like....