Dementors, bridges & dreaming out loud

Depression sneaks up when you are focusing on other things. It sucks the happy out of you like the Dementors in Harry Potter. This creepy dark faceless thing that just gets you.

I'm trying so hard to run from it but my legs are tired. I scared myself again this week with uncomfortable thoughts that were just that, thoughts. I know myself well enough to know I want to live a long life & I know when I'm really down that I'll get through it.

I've seen a psychiatrist & psychologist, I see them both again this week. I'm going to get mentally healthy so that my mind is ready for the healthy body I'm already working on.

I walked four miles on Thursday. I walked across the Morrissey bridge. The closed to vehicles & pedestrians Morrissey bridge. It was terrifying at best, my heart raced with every step & with every unintenional glance down at the rushing water. I walked so much farther that day that I knew I could. Every time I push myself & succeed l am amazed. I realize it is time for more.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about what it is I want to do. What's my passion? Do I even have a passion anymore? I don't dream anymore. I don't have any dreams with the exception of a happy life for Katie. It has me thinking, what do I love?

Well, I love food. I love the idea of dairy-free food, gluten-free, vegan. I don't know exactly but it feels as if at some point in my life I will be making a living from food. I really have no idea if it's feasible or if I'm just dreaming out loud, but it feels great to dream.

The Dementors won't get to suck all the happy...I'm fighting. I'm dreaming. I'm getting healthy..slow & steady...

One year bucket list.

Lately, I'm realizing that my body is much more capable than I originally thought.  With that in mind I've made a bucket list of things that I want to do in the next year. September 16, 2014 I will have done the next ten things.

1. Run a 5k
2. Get my license
3. Successfully return to work
4. Lose 70lbs.
5. Eat in a restaurant with my family
6. Go swimming after 10 yrs
7. Ride a bike after 20 yrs
8. Workout in a real gym
9. Go out dancing
10. Be confident & happy

I can feel a shift bubbling under the surface for me.

I can see myself getting better. My anxiety won't run my life forever. I'm going to get the help I need & I will get better.

Also, I ran this week. For the first time since being forced in school, I ran voluntarily, of my own accord. It still blows my mind. Who the heck do I think I am making this body run? Hot damn it hurts but feels absolutely exhilarating! I will readily admit that when I was at my fattest, I would refer to runners as 'crazy bastard runners'. I thought it was insane to want to run...ugh! Why would you even want to? Now, I want to! I want the chance to prove to Katie that you can never give up on yourself. Even when things look & feel grim, you can do anything!

We watched 'The Little Engine that could' yesterday & it's such a simple message. If you think you can, you will - if you think you can't, you won't. Well, I really feel like I can do this. That surprises me.

One year. Let's go! I think I can...

Optimistic & Grateful

I am constantly amazed by the good at the core of people.

Last week I opened up about my major struggles with anxiety & instead of being shunned, I've been embraced. I appreciate the care & concern so much more than words can say.

To know that I'm not alone. I'm not the only person that I know who has felt completely crazy. Really, truly crazy not crazy of the sleep deprived & a bit delirious type - more crazy of the bat shit variety.  I know of other people like me now, that helps.

Today I took the first step in healing my life. This is an illness. I need to heal, I don't need to fix it. I'm not broken, I'm ill.

I'm going to get better. I feel cautiously optimistic & very grateful.

I quit...again

I quit.

I'm tired of quitting but I didn't see any other option.

Monday, I didn't fall down the stairs accidentally. I did fall down the stairs but it wasn't an accident. I felt nothing but sheer panic at the idea of going to work. It was a split second decision and I made the wrong one. In that moment, I figured I'd hurt myself enough to not have to work or to no longer be a bother to Jeff & my family. Win/win... Ugh...so irrational..

This morning I got up feeling mildly anxious, it quickly progressed though. I knew I couldn't fight it. I had to tell the truth about Monday. I started with Jeff.

I called my boss & was trying to figure out a way to tell him about my anxiety & have him understand that I'm not just being an asshole. I don't think he bought it so...

I can only get into a psychiatrist on the 18th of September.  That feels like it's forever away but it's a date at least. I'll talk to my NP on Wednesday about needing meds.

People try to be helpful - push through it, just do it, shake it off, think positive thoughts. I wish that was the solution. I try to think positive thoughts but the negative ones are so much louder.

I feel broken. I feel very alone. Jeff tries so hard but he doesn't understand. I feel so much guilt over the life he has because of me. He didn't ask to be married to someone with mental illness. It's very hard on him, too.  He's always in my corner though, even when he doesn't have the words to fix it for me.

So, back I go to the drawing board & long days home with the Dood. Another guilt trip, she loves daycare more than being home with me. Ugh....

Last-ditch effort

You come to a point in your life when you realize you are only in control of your actions & not the action or reaction of anyone else.

I've done all I can at this point to fix a situation that breaks my heart.

I'm a forgiver, that is my nature. Chances are you will have to do me wrong many times before I write you off completely, then maybe a time or two after that. I don't forget, however. I'm not sure the person on the other end of this situation realizes that. I've forgiven a lot of wrongs. I've given a lot of myself, my time, my love, my compassion, I've been broken-hearted for this person more times than I can count.

I'm always there.

Except this time. I wasn't able to be there. I wasn't able to do what was asked of me. I had said I would when put on the spot, then backed out when I realized I couldn't do it without causing myself more stress than I could handle.

What this person probably doesn't realize & possibly doesn't care about, but depression & anxiety have been major factors in my life the last two months. I couldn't do what was asked of me because of it.

Anxiety is my arch-nemesis. It is with me during every breathe, whisper & thought. It is slowly ramping back up, but I'm fighting it this time. I feel anxious & still do a lot of things because I have to but the extras don't happen much because I'm too anxious.

I feel as if my life will forever be altered because of it but I start counseling in two weeks. There is hope.

I will never forget this period of time. I've pushed people away by being unable to be social, unable to function like a 'normal' person. I love the idea of going out with my bff for a drink, a coffee or even just a drive but how many times have I cancelled because of anxiety? More than I can count - that's how many.

Now, it has caused me to make a decision for myself that hurt someone I love a lot.

Someone who is very different from me & who sees & feels things in a different way than I do. I'm trying to process that. I'm trying to allow myself to understand how anyone could be this upset for as long as it has been. Knowing the fragility of life & how easily people can be taken from you. I just can't understand that part....but that's maybe because I forgive too easily. I'm softer. My heart feels things differently. My heart is completely broken. I'm sorry for the hurt I've caused but I'm not sorry for doing what I needed to for me. I can't be sorry for that.

I'm not looking for sympathy but just a bit of understanding....

Random banter

Life. It's hard but it is also fun, challenging, rewarding & it's going to be okay.

I haven't written in a while so here is life now...

I've found a part time job. I'm excited but absolutely terrified at the same time. Anxiety plagues me. The what ifs. I don't do well with uncertainty.

Sometimes I still feel very trapped by my anxiety. I feel trapped in my own head. It is hard to know you're psyching yourself out & have no idea how to stop it. It makes me feel broken. How did I get to be so fucked up?

I am my own worst enemy. I pretend like I'm so confident now that I've lost weight. I'm not. I still just see that girl. Unhappy with herself. Critical. Self-doubting. Unworthy. It makes me angry with myself. I've worked for this. Why can't I really be proud of myself?

I have a hard time being proud of myself. It feels like I cheated to lose weight because there were many days when I was too sick to eat & the weight fell off. Jeff worked for it. I was sick. That's the guilt I feel. It sucks...

We moved a week ago. I am happy here. I like our slowly coming together home. We are so close to everything we need. Our car has only left the driveway 4 or 5 times in a week. We've taken to walking everywhere. WHAT????  Who are we? I can't even process the fact that my lazy ass does that...on purpose...weird.

Three years...

Three years have passed since my life finally found some real meaning. Three years since I stopped being my own main priority. Three years of laughter & tears. Three years of extremely messed up sleep. Three years of unconditional, overwhelming love.

June 17, 2010 at 7:35pm, she came into the world. She has been the center of ours every since. 

I can't begin to express the ways she has changed my life. She is my mini-me - in looks but also because she's a chatterbox, stubborn, caring, short-tempered & has wacky memory. It is shocking to me that another human being can be so similar to me but she is most definitely her own person, too.

In the last year she has changed astronomically. She is so bright & inquisitive. She loves to sing songs & tell stories. She's often Dr. Katie, sometimes she's a cashier & we have to shop at her store.

She has grown 5 inches & gained 4lbs. My baby is now a little girl.

She is fiercely full of determination - ' I do it all by myself'. She is funny as heck & makes me laugh on a daily basis. She is polite (super proud of this), kind & thoughtful.

I love being her Mama & cannot believe that I've been loving her for three years.
It's so hard to believe that the 8lb 14.9oz bundle they put in my very numb from epidural arms is now the same girl that I can barely carry on my hip. 

Where has the time gone? All I can say for certain that some of it has been used for sticky kisses, squeezy hugs,puzzles, tickles, singing, dancing, tubby times, bedtime routines, playing together & all of it has been used for being in love.

Happy Birthday, Katie Lou. You are our sunshine.