Precious Girl

As the big day draws nearer, I find I'm spending more time daydreaming about our girl. What will she look like, will she have hair, will she have my nose or my ears, maybe she'll have long eyelashes like both her Daddy & I. I picture her in my head & wonder if she is anything like I expect her to be, or if she'll look completely different and surprise me. I'm expecting a baby with big dark eyes & a head full of dark hair, but who knows, maybe she'll have red hair & blue eyes, it's not impossible with our genes.

I also spend a lot of time wondering about how I'll be as a first time mother. Will I have the patience I need, the ability to know how to soothe her & take care of her?? It's all so overwhelming & wonderfully exciting.

I'm now 9 months pregnant, 36 wks....so any day now our girl could show up. I'm so looking forward to just laying my eyes on her & knowing that she's ours. She is our daughter, our new purpose in life will be to ensure her happiness & safety, and I cannot wait for this journey to begin.

Right now I'm sitting in my chair with my feet up as the Doctor instructed, I have our balcony door open, Muffin is laying by the door, my little princess is moving around in my tummy, and the tears of pure happiness are streaming down my face. I don't know what I did in life to deserve such happiness, but I am grateful for it.

Many people have asked me if I'm afraid of giving birth, and maybe I'm naive to say no, but I'm not afraid of the act of giving birth at all really. I'm more afraid of raising a child, of being responsible for someone other than myself, of being her everything for the first years of her precious life, but somehow, I know I'm capable of doing a good job of it. I don't know what makes me believe that I can do this & do it well, but I just know that I can.

Less than 4 weeks until my due date....I can't wait to meet you precious girl....your Mama loves you!

Lots of changes

It has been almost 9 mths since I've written anything on my blog at all, and I think it's definitely time for an update.

My life has changed so much & will soon change so much more.

We found out on Tuesday October 6, 2009, our 3rd wedding anniversary, that we are going to be parents. It was & still is the most shocking & overwhelming news I have ever heard in my life. I knew that I was extremely tired but thought it was just that my B12 was low, so I had blood work done. My Dr's office called me a few days later & asked me to come in that day. I was sure there was something seriously wrong with me, but instead my Dr told me that I'm pregnant. What a shock that was for both Jeff & I.

It's incredibly hard to believe that October 6th was almost 6 months ago and that we soon will have a beautiful baby girl.

Another change for us is that we have to move out of the apartment we've called home for almost 5 years. We live in an adult only building, so we are being forced out. At first I was really upset about it, as was Jeff, but the more we go through our things & look around our apartment, we can't wait to move.

A new home, with a new baby seems right. This home was ours as childless couple, but our new apartment will be our first family home. It's nicer, bigger & feels like it will be a perfect fit for our little family.

Pregnancy is something that I honestly never thought I'd have the joy of experiencing. I had resigned myself to the fact that it was going to be Jeff & I, with Muffin, forever. I was really okay with that to be honest, only because I wouldn't let myself think about what I was missing. I didn't think my body 'worked', so I didn't think this joy would fall upon us. I have never been so happy to be wrong about something in my life. Pregnancy so far, for me, has been relatively easy. Sure, I'm tired, my back aches every now & again, and I had a bout or two of nausea if I let myself get too hungry, but I didn't have a moment of morning sickness that so many woman experience, I haven't had any blood pressure issues, and I had my glucose test 2 wks ago & haven't heard back from the Dr's office, so I'm feeling pretty good about that.

I have 8wks of work left, including this upcoming week, and I have 10 weeks & 6 days until our due date. Time is flying by, but I'm trying my best to absorb all the little moments. I'm doing a half assed job of keeping a journal for our princess, but I figure I'll continue on with it after she's born anyhow, so it's not just for my pregnancy, it's going to be about her childhood.

I'm really happy with my life right now. I am married to a wonderful, compassionate, caring, funny man, who makes me feel like I can do & be anything in this life of mine. He reassures me that I am going to be a good mother when I display such fervent doubt in my abilities. He reminds me that I am my own person who will make my own decisions on how to mother our daughter, and that I am not what I think I am, or who I think I'll turn out to be. I love him so fiercely & am so innately proud that he is not only a part of my life, but my partner in life. He is going to be such an amazing father. He displays such a genuine protective & loving nature that there is no way for him to fail at his new upcoming job.

The countdown is on....34 days until we move....76 days until our due date....I can't wait for the next part of our lives to begin!!

My Daddy

Maybe it's rain falling outside my window, the chill in the air or the exhaustion from a trying week, but I feel like writing about something tonight. I don't have a topic just yet, but I have a feeling one will come to me as long as I just keep writing.

I'm listening to so many songs tonight that seem to remind me of someone or someplace. A moment frozen in time by a melody. I'm emotional this evening, rather melancholic truth be told which is why I think the music is affecting me so.

Right now the song my Dad & I dance to at my wedding is playing. 'I loved her first' by Heartland, it brings a smile to my face, a tear to my eye & a flutter in my tummy. I remember the very first time I heard the song, it was about a month or so before the wedding, and I cried from beginning to end and knew that this was it. I love my father so much, I can't even explain.

I remember so much about him on my wedding day that it's ridiculous. I can remember waking up way too early and hearing him downstairs, so I went down to chat with him, and he told me to lay on the couch & nap so I wouldn't be tired. I remember him dropping me at my Aunt's & going to the dry cleaners to get my dress for me & dropping it off. I remember seeing him come down the stairs at my Aunt's in his tux, I had my hair & make-up all done, and my veil was in my hair, we looked at each other, smiled & I said Daddy, you look so good!! We hugged, I cried. I remember him trying to make me laugh just before we walked down the aisle, because he told me if I cried he may cry.

I have 2 favourite Dad on my wedding day memories though, one was when he & Mom came out of the church, he hugged me then he said to Jeff "C'mere Son, I'm gonna do to you what I do to all my sons", he then proceeded to give Jeff a kiss on the cheek and hugged him, everyone 'awwed' and my brother said "You've never done that to me!" and we laughed. The other memory was in fact my dance with him, the song started and he said to me 'I told your brother when you were up there, I remember when she was just a little girl, and she'd say to me, daddy pick me up, daddy let's play, daddy can I come with you, daddy let's go for a drive...now you're all grown up & not a little girl anymore'. I hugged him so tight and told him 'Daddy, I'll always be your little girl.'

My Dad is such a smart man, but I don't think he has ever believed that about himself. He wasn't really a book smart guy, but he just knows stuff. He has an extreme admiration for all things WWII, John Wayne & ducks. He loves quietly but deeply. He is extremely funny once he feels comfortable around you, but until then you might think he's rather serious. He is one of the softest rocks in the world, but he is just that, he's so soft when it comes to his family, but he undoubtedly is our rock.

I love him & I thank God that I have him.

Reality Check

Today I walked home from work, as I do most days, and I had a moments of pure & honest gratitude. One of those moment where in your head & heart you just are floored by the realization that you have so much to be grateful for. As most of you know the weather has been sweltering hot, not ideal by any means for a walk home from work even one that is just over 10 minutes as mine is. Well, I crossed the street like usual today & then for some reason stopped and turned around only to see this poor woman who was crossing as well but not nearly with the ease I had. It took her a dangerously long time to cross, the light turned green just as she stepped onto the sidewalk. In that moment I thought, be grateful for your ability to walk regardless of this heat. I then carried on with my walk home with a new sense of happiness & I thanked the Universe.

I guess sometimes it takes a reality check to put my gratitude back in line. I'm going to try & thank the Universe more for the day to day things that I take for granted. Although, I'm pretty sure the Universe is aware of my gratitude for being able to walk with ease now myself. It's something that I cannot believe I take for granted even though I absolutely know that I do. You'd think that someone who just couldn't have walked home from work 3 years ago would stop moaning about it so much. In fact, we used to work what..like 2 blocks from work & the walk would take me the better part of 20 minutes if I could do it at all, but today I walked 7 blocks in 11 minutes. Time to shut up about not wanting to do it and complaining that its too hot & just be grateful to be able to do it.

Thank you for the wake up call, Universe. I got the message loud & clear!

Growing up

I don't know if this happens to everyone or not, but I'm realizing that I've finally grown up. That's an ironic statement for a 30 year old to make, but it's so true.

The last two weeks of my life have been unlike any before them. It's like something finally clicked in my head that said, it's time to grow up little girl & change your life for the better. I feel like I can win the race now, I'm starting out at the back of the pack, but I know that eventually I will win.

I AM going to lose more weight, it's no longer if I lose 20lbs, it's now when. I am going to win this battle if it kills me, because frankly, not winning it is going to kill me too. What do I have to lose?? I can only gain from this. I'm tired of being the fat girl in the room, I'm tired of paying more for clothes, I'm tired of feeling like everyone is looking at me with scrutiny, I'm just plain tired. Carrying all this weight around is hard on your body and I feel it, but I will beat this.

I also feel like a light has turned on about work. I am the first to admit that in the past I was a crappy, don't give a damn employee in regards to attendance. If I was tired, or felt a little icky, I'd call in sick. I didn't give a damn. Not now. I will go to work and chances are I feel fine within an hour or two of being there, because I get so wrapped up in work or chatting with the girls that I forget that I felt terrible to begin with.

I'm also now spending more time focusing on my marriage, and making it a good, happy marriage and not just sitting back and expecting it to happen because we're Jeff & Paula. You can lose track of each other quickly if you don't pay attention, you can also lose track of yourself, but that's no longer an option for us. I am so in love with a wonderful man who accepts me as I am, every fault, every asset, every stumble, every uprising, he is there holding my hand & my heart. I am so fortunate to have him in my corner.

I spend a lot more energy focusing on the positive. Although, some days it's incredibly hard and I falter, I realize I'm only human and we all have days where negativity sneaks in when we least expect it. I do the best I can, and when I realize that I'm being negative, I try to snap out of it.

Being thankful for what I do have has become an essential part of my 'growing up'. I have more than what I need to survive. I have plenty of luxuries that many would love to have, and I thank the Universe for them. I thank the Universe on a daily basis for things, whether it simply be the ability to walk with the ease that I once lacked or my cell phone. I thank the Universe because these things found their way to me.

I'm happier than I can remember being in a very long time. I feel like the Paula that I was, is beginning to coincide with the Paula that I've become, and I think that maybe...just maybe...I like her a lot.

Spirituality

I think a person Spirituality is something that can't be argued or debated, it's something very personal and with that said here I go.

Spirituality is something so very foreign to me. I feel as if there is so much more to life. I feel like I'm missing something. I don't have a 'God' to pray to -or do I? I flip flop a lot.

I want to believe, to have 'faith' in the unknown, the uncertain, but it just isn't a part of my character to do so. I question things, challenge them, rationalize them. There is no rationality to 'God'. This almighty being or spirit or whatever, that sees all, hears all & has the power to do whatever he chooses, yet he chooses to do nothing.

Floods, fired, famine, genocide, climate change, rampant diseases, poverty and so many other issues go unresolved without help from 'God'.

I get so frustrated with the uncertainty I feel. I'd really like to be able to resolve my feelings one way or another. Maybe there is a 'God' somewhere who believes in my ability to find him one day, and I just have to sift through all the junk clouding my head first....who knows??

First post

This is my first post on my new blog, the first post is a daunting one for certain. I feel the need for this to be a deep inspirational post, but I don't really think I have that in me right now.

So with that said, I'll talk about the only thing that is in the forefront of my mind and has been since last night. I am extremely proud of myself right now. Three years ago I was at my highest weight, I hated the way I looked, I could barely move, walking was excruciatingly painful on my back and hips. I couldn't figure out how I was going to manage to lose weight that I had gained while being sick with graves disease and taking steroids for over a year to fix it. My legs retained so much fluid that if I cut myself while shaving clear liquid came out and not blood, and the cut would leak for hours and hours. I hated everything to do with myself. I didn't wear makeup anymore, always had my hair in a ponytail & dressed like a slob all because I just didn't feel like anything I did made a difference in how I looked.

Well, fast forward 3 years, to July 18, 2009....last night I stepped on the scale to a major victory, I officially have at least 70 lbs off now. The reason I say at least is because I am pretty sure that I weighed more before I actually started losing than I did the one & only time I remember being weighed during the whole Graves fiasco....

I don't know how I lost the weight for sure, but I do know that ironically enough working in retail was the beginning of me saving myself. I had to stand all day long, I had to move and walk, I had to force myself to do those things even if they hurt, and they did hurt. Standing all day long with that much weight on my body was brutal. The lower half of my body ached every day, but I had to make a living somehow. We also stopped eating take-out 3 times a week or so. We now have a once a week rule that keeps us from binging even though once a week is still probably too much. We had a bout of time where we stopped drinking pop too, which was hard to do but we both felt better.

There has been a lot of things that have contributed to my weight loss, but regardless of what they were and still are, I'm just so happy that I'm beginning to see in the mirror the girl that I was before Graves.

I have to add that I have not done this alone by any means. Jeff has been there with me every single step, and he himself has lost at least 50lbs. I looked at our engagement pictures last night & I barely recognize those 2 people, because I never saw us that way & neither did he.



Here are pictures of us in May 06 & Dec 08.....we've both lost more weight since the Dec pic but it's the most recent one I have....